Feeling lonely after coming back to NY

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theglasscell

theglasscell

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I was on vacation this past week and spent the week with my ten year old son in Texas.

He is disabled because he has Down Syndrome so mentally he is more like 4 or five. We are really close but he moved to Texas five years ago because his mom won a relocation case in family court.

I enjoyed the visit but the whole time in my head I kept telling myself to make the most of it and made sure to hug him as much as possible and to make sure he had a lot of fun. Because I knew the time would go fast.

I flew back home last night and it was just so lonely in my apartment and seeing my son and ex-wife brings back so many memories of that time when I had a family. It's been 7 years now this August since my ex left and sued for custody and in that time she has a fiancee and got a great new career and seems really happy.

I don't begrudge her that but yesterday when I was on the plane I kind of realized that I have not really moved forward in seven years. I have a fine job and apartment and I should be grateful for that but I think besides the past year the majority of the six years since my marriage have been filled with drug addiction and me getting into trouble, plus severe depression.

I have four months clean now and the way I feel today makes me feel like just giving up and getting drunk, even though I know that would be bad. I just hate that memories from so many years ago can pop up in my head and seem like they just happened yesterday. I hate feeling stuck in the past and unable to move forward.
 
theglasscell said:
I was on vacation this past week and spent the week with my ten year old son in Texas.

He is disabled because he has Down Syndrome so mentally he is more like 4 or five. We are really close but he moved to Texas five years ago because his mom won a relocation case in family court.

I enjoyed the visit but the whole time in my head I kept telling myself to make the most of it and made sure to hug him as much as possible and to make sure he had a lot of fun. Because I knew the time would go fast.

I flew back home last night and it was just so lonely in my apartment and seeing my son and ex-wife brings back so many memories of that time when I had a family. It's been 7 years now this August since my ex left and sued for custody and in that time she has a fiancee and got a great new career and seems really happy.

I don't begrudge her that but yesterday when I was on the plane I kind of realized that I have not really moved forward in seven years. I have a fine job and apartment and I should be grateful for that but I think besides the past year the majority of the six years since my marriage have been filled with drug addiction and me getting into trouble, plus severe depression.

I have four months clean now and the way I feel today makes me feel like just giving up and getting drunk, even though I know that would be bad. I just hate that memories from so many years ago can pop up in my head and seem like they just happened yesterday. I hate feeling stuck in the past and unable to move forward.
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DON'T take a drink! It's hard. I know. It's very easy to drink your problems away until you wake up the next morning and they're still there, and most likely you feel like crap to boot.

Feeling like a pussy because you couldn't deal with your emotions and how they affect your life in general without help from the bottle affects your ability to love and respect yourself and others. Drinking your problems away will work temporarily, but in time, combined with the disgust you feel for yourself because you couldn't resist a swig from your "Best Friend" and more problems arising at such a fast pace you can't even believe it, will mess you up royal.

If you give in and drink your demons away, in time you will die. It's that simple. Should you be tempted to drink, contact me and maybe we can talk you through it. Addiction is an extremely powerful thing. You have no choice but fight it. If you try and run away, it will follow you wherever you go and eventually, when you get tired and can't run anymore and give up, you're a dead man.
 
You have done so well to keep off drugs and drink for four months and you should be feeling so proud of yourself. It is tragic that it didn't work out with your ex and that she and your son live so far awy from you. But at least you are in contact with them and are still part of your son's life. As he gets older, he might want to come and stay with you for holidays. Try to hold onto your feelings of love for your son when the longing for drugs or alcohol comes over you, and stay healthy both for his sake and for your own. He needs you-you're his dad, and noone can replace you in his life.
 
You're right. I mean parting from people is always sad and going back from vacation to your regular life can be sad sometimes.

My job can be lonely since I work the graveyard shift, and going from Texas to NYC is a huge difference. It's so peaceful and friendly there and here it's so frantic, it's not always easy to go back to.

I go to AA and have to speak at a meeting on Saturday night so I can share my story with other people. I'm sure I won't use again, it's just I remember how easy it can be to just drown out your feelings. The bad effects of alcohol in drugs are never worth going back to it, but I can still remember how good it feels to just down six beers real fast and start to feel on top of the world. It's not real happiness though, your brain just gets numbed and eventually you have to face the bad feelings.
 
Could you move to be nearer to your son? It sounds as though you like Texas. Could you find a job there and somewhere to live so that you could enjoy a quiter way of life and see your son more often?

I meant 'quieter.'
 
I would really like to it's just I can't seem to figure out how to right now.

I have been a janitor for so long in NYC and since it's in a big union I make more than most people with good degrees do. Close to 30 an hour plus benefits and overtime.

But it's unskilled labor so moving to Texas a similar job would be non union and pay minimum wage. I could possibly get by there on that though if I lived in a trailer park and lived somewhere outside the city.

I have thought about it a lot.

I was put on probation for a DUI right when my ex moved almost five years ago. In December my five year probation will be done and then I can go about getting a driver's license again.

So there is a lot I would give up here as far as job security and my apartment in a nice area but I would be able to be a bigger part of my son's life. It would be a huge risk obviously.

They have a ton of jobs for CDL drivers out there so I could possibly go to school for that, but my record my hold me back from a lot of jobs. That is mainly what I'm worried about. A felony can really screw you up in a competitive job market.

I mean I could get a job at Wal-Mart since they are all over Texas and really easy to get hired at, and possibly work my way up. I'm 33 so I guess I'm still young enough to start from scratch.

It's something I really have to think about.
 
Hi,

It is sad for normal people getting back from vacation, but leaving your son behind, must be heart breaking, just be kind to yourself. You really, really should be proud of what you have achieved in the last four months, that is a huge achievement. Your writing sounded so positive about your ideas about Texas, I would give it some serious thought :).
 
You enjoyed your time with your son, so of course you are going to feel down coming back home you are far apart. I think it's great you went to visit and made sure you made the best of every moment. You sound like a great carrying parent.

Don't let the sadness make you do something you are trying to break free of. Just look forward to the next visit, take the time to plan what you'll do.
 
You are lonely simply because you are away from your son. It is a natural human reaction, and you shouldn't be ashamed of it.
 
Thanks for all your nice comments.

You are right.

The important thing is that I enjoyed every day I had with my son and nothing messed it up.

I met this lady last night who isn't much older than me and her husband died of cancer recently. I can't imagine how she must feel, but it's obviously a terrible loss. It just reminds me that it's important to be grateful for whatever good things you have, things won't always be perfect or how you want them.
 

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