Is it possible to self talk yourself into being positive?

I hear about this all the time, about how people have changed their whole lives by self talking themselves into believing in themselves.

Do you personally believe that anybody can do this?

Like, if someone is a bully victim, a rape victim, a child molestation victim, or some other kind of victim, can they talk themselves out of feeling hurt? Or does it go deeper than that? Is the mind changeable?

LeaningIntoTheMuse said:

I hear about this all the time, about how people have changed their whole lives by self talking themselves into believing in themselves.

Do you personally believe that anybody can do this?

Like, if someone is a bully victim, a rape victim, a child molestation victim, or some other kind of victim, can they talk themselves out of feeling hurt? Or does it go deeper than that? Is the mind changeable?

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As a bullying victim and a rape victim with PTSD, I could never simply talk myself out of the pain. There are things one can and should do to stop that hurt from consuming you, but it's a struggle (one you will not win every day) and I know for myself that positive self-talk alone would not be enough.

I twice tried that whole self-talk thing (once in my teens and once more recently) for long periods of time, and it didn't do boo for me. I won't say it's impossible, but I personally would doubt that many, if any, could change their entire outlook with only self-talk. Not in any lasting way, at least. I believe a positive attitude needs to be reinforced by positive experiences or it will not stick long-term.

But of course I can't speak for everyone.

I'm someone who has survived bullying.

Yeah, I have a hard time getting through it, too. I basically just live my life, expecting that things might not happen to me again. But I've learned that there are bad people in this world, and expecting everything to turn out the way you want it to just ends up with you hurt, angry, and disappointed.

I'm going to skip comment on things such as bullying or any form of abuse. It'd be insensitive and misplaced of me to say yes or no to the question of whether 'self-talk' can help with something that cuts so deep in someone. It might work for one person and not for another. Its a very subjective thing.
I do however believe that things such as cognitive behavioral therapy can be hugely beneficial in training yourself to change negative thought patterns. Again though, I think its something you have to be receptive to and prepared to believe it might help. Purely because it takes time to change long embedded negative thought patterns. Patience and an openness is a must for such things I believe.

Scotsman, actually cognitive behavior therapy helped bring me out of agoraphobia. It pretty much saved my life in my mid 20's.

I don't reveal this to my friends, but ones who I cut off contact with for a while, and then resumed contact three years later, have asked me what I did in those three/four years. I basically try to skip over this information, but I can't recommend therapy enough.

And it is possible to cope with mental scars, and even change complete behavior, with therapy. I was pretty much asking if it's possible to argue you can do it without therapy, or on your own, because I've heard that several times from family members, and I get tired of having to explain that you can't just do it on your own.

Edit: Whoops, this was in response to post #3 before you edited it.

It completely depends on your ability to handle what's happened. For some people self-talking helps them to deal with things so I wouldn't say this isn't possible.

I think positive self-talk is possible, and helpful at that. Talking yourself out of feeling or being hurt? I think it's possible, but I also think that people need to feel what they're feeling. I don't believe it's helpful to try and hide or minimized the hurt and damage just for the sake of being positive. It's okay for people to have their low moments.

9006 said:

It completely depends on your ability to handle what's happened. For some people self-talking helps them to deal with things so I wouldn't say this isn't possible.

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Agree with this.

I didn't think self-talk would help but that's what my therapist (back then) told me to do daily. I did it without much thought but then eventually I think it did help because I started believing in myself. I realise that I had to be open to try and see if it'll work cos before that, I wasn't open to it and it took awhile for me to see any improvements.

I don't know, just my experience.

I think it's different for everyone. For some, positive self talk helps. And for others, it simply doesn't.

For me, the self talk never helped. Being .. and feeling .. positive is more than just words. It's like a building. You need strong foundations. And for me, the positive self talk was like trying to build on sand without any foundations. It would all just crumble and fall down, mostly because the negative situation (loneliness) was .. and is .. still happening. Huh, I lost count of the number of therapists that got shitty at me because positive self talk didn't work for me.

But try it, if you want. You might find more benefit in it. Good luck!

No, I don't think it's possible to overcome deep problems by just thinking possitive.

It takes a slow learning/growing process. I thinik I'm doing that in therapy, slowly I'm knowing more and more about myself and why I'm like this.

Felix said:

No, I don't think it's possible to overcome deep problems by just thinking possitive.

It takes a slow learning/growing process. I thinik I'm doing that in therapy, slowly I'm knowing more and more about myself and why I'm like this.

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So you don't think some people are better at overcoming things than others?

Cognitive behavioral therapy, just like talking yourself into something negative, you can talk yourself into something positive. But you have to really want to believe those positive things or it won't work.

I think positive thinking, when it's checked by reason, can be helpful.

A cure, not necessarily. A healing balm to ease the burn... yes, I'd say so. At least for some people.

9006 said:

Felix said:

No, I don't think it's possible to overcome deep problems by just thinking possitive.

It takes a slow learning/growing process. I thinik I'm doing that in therapy, slowly I'm knowing more and more about myself and why I'm like this.

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So you don't think some people are better at overcoming things than others?

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Yes, some are in fact better than others.

But what I mean is no one is gonna overcome anything by themselves by just thinking possitive. You're just gonna slip it under the rug. In some cases, people can overcome things by talking to their friends, a teacher, a relative; someone wise. I don't have that so I have no other option than going into therapy. You see it all the time here... people are dealing with a lot of negative emotions, they have trouble handlig those emotions by themselves and they start taking it out on others, last example is that guy retrospective-something...

Possivie thinking is good. Is just not enough to overcome something.

Many times we look at someone and he/she seems like it has it all together, sucessful, meantally healthy, smart... My dad is like that. He's also openly optimistic about life. That's the way my dad seems to others but if you knew him in his private life you'd know he's got little to none contact with his emotions. He can't connect to anyone, and he has violent outbursts.

That's the price of slipping it under the rug. He couldn't form a real bond with his sons, and he can't deal at all with his past.

We look at people all the time in the media, famuos and rich people that seem to have perfect lives and they seem strong, like they can overcome everything by themselves. But what's the price of that? Is that facade real? I have my doubts. Can you be trully possitive if you don't have any clue as to why you fresia up every relationship, if you don't know where that anger comes from or whatever your problem is? You're sugar coating your own honeysuckle, and guess what, it will start to smell bad at some point. So I say, deal with that honeysuckle first and then sugar coat all you want...

It annoys me a little... I'm actually done expressing my point, but I'd like to add that it annoys me becasue this is western thinking at it's worst. Everything fast, express, light-hearted. Superficial. I don't have time to deal with my own emotions, the only thing that makes me special as a human being so I'm just gonna burry them beneath a pile of optimism and hope for the best. If anything happens, that's why we have drugs, right?People don't even get achance to think that they need to stop for a while and think. They don't even get to think about that because the denial is automatic. I've been there myself... But guess what, the time of your human mind/emotins is much slower than what society's been making you believe. And if you have serious problems, most likely nothing is gonna be solved fast, and much less painless.

Please don't take this personally, these are just my toghts about this in general... I just think it's a shame that we're somehow lead to believe in false solutions and quick/simplistic/painless way outs. It's really sad when people don't deal with their problems and their past. They get stuck in life and are never trully happy. That's the way my parents are. They've done relatively well in life but to me it has become aparent that they carry this weight and it has held them back to have a more fulfilling life.

I know the opposite works. I can talk myself into suicide a million times a day. So I think it can work in the positive way but it's a lot more work.

It's so much easier to focus on what's wrong.

Felix said:

Possivie thinking is good. Is just not enough to overcome something.

Many times we look at someone and he/she seems like it has it all together, sucessful, meantally healthy, smart... My dad is like that. He's also openly optimistic about life. That's the way my dad seems to others but if you knew him in his private life you'd know he's got little to none contact with his emotions. He can't connect to anyone, and he has violent outbursts.

That's the price of slipping it under the rug. He couldn't form a real bond with his sons, and he can't deal at all with his past.

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Well, I think there's a very thin line between acting like things are okay, and actually believing they are. I don't think your dad does the latter. Sounds like that's a facade, and if that's the true case, he doesn't really think in positive terms.

Trying to think positive and making an attempt to dwell on more positive aspects of your life IS helpful, but it's not a "cure" for everyone.
How helpful it is really just depends on the person.

It probably depends on the person and how bad their situation is.

Each morning and each evening, I recite the serenity prayer, asking for the strength to face things which I cannot change. (mainly my looks)

Cucuboth said:

Being .. and feeling .. positive is more than just words. It's like a building. You need strong foundations.

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yes, that is really true, words are just words. But I think words are so powerful because they allow people to transform their experience, reframe the past and the present in a less painful way, and create a new narrative of what happened that brings about positive feelings instead of negative, for instance like seeing yourself as a kind of hero through a journey. I agree with Felix, this is dangerously close to slipping all the feelings under the rug, but in fact our view of life is mostly biased no matter what, so it makes sense to choose the version of what happened that is more useful for survival. It's really borderline, but I honestly believe you can avoid becoming psychotically positive by keeping in touch with your feelings.


Also, self talk can retrain the brain away from repeating old patterns, but what self help books and articles about affirmations don't say is how long it takes, some results can be seen after only years, Charles Whitfield in a book about adult children mentions that the (emotional) recovery from trauma takes 3 to 6 years and more to happen, I believe that, and that's why many people give up, because they expect fast results.

I think I am one of those people who managed to become positive through self talk, I guess it took just six years of therapy, and another eight years of constant work by myself, diaries, reading, exercises etc I called it "brainwashing".

I think the key to real change was that I just had enough of suffering so much every single day of my life. When the honeysuckle really hit the fan, and some new sources of negativity came up, I thought: I can't change what is happening, the only thing left for me to do is to change my attitude. Is it real? Is it a facade? I don't know.
As long as it makes my life and others' better, and I don't deny my feelings, I guess it's OK.
So, yes, I think that self-talk works, give or take a couple of years.