Been suffering extreme anxiety lately...

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el Jay

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Sorry if this is a long post, got a lot to rant about. Maybe I'll feel better after. Paragraphs are largely stand-alone, so feel free to skip any that sound boring or something.

Grandfather died in February, I had been living with him for 12 years. House is sold now and I need to be out by the 16th. Can't pass the income check for an apartment on my own, so need my mom to co-sign, but finding one has been slow-going. Might need to get a 2 bedroom w/ my dad to save some money each month (but not much). Just worried about getting it resolved in general. If the place I have in mind fails, do I have time to figure out somewhere else?

Got a job in the pharmacy at a CVS. Very worried about it. Lots of responsibility and crap, but for not much pay (only a little above minimum wage). Looking for other jobs that may pay the same (or a little worse) but are less effort and stress. I can do being social and outgoing, and I can do being extremely thorough and technically-minded, but not at the same time, which this job requires.

Thinking about my future, what will I do. One year left till I have a bachelor's degree, but what then? Hard to find any ideas or leads, can't ever find people who could direct me, mentor me, show me a way in life (not going to even hope for "the" way). Worried about how I'll support myself. Retail forever? Nothing invigorates me anymore, gets me really excited, drives me to research and explore father into it. I can't "dream" anymore. I have no real dreams, and haven't for years. Feels like all the bullying at school killed the fire that used to burn in my soul good and dead, and all that's left are a few embers I've struggled to stoke for the past decade.

Thought about pursuing writing as a career. I can write, and maybe I could make a living off of it. Don't need riches, just a moderately comfortable income. Found a forum for internet marketing where lots of people can give advice, and reception to my questions has been pretty favorable (was expecting disdain, criticism, and even insults, if not outright being ignored). But it still feels like I'm up against an impossible task. I know, "the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." But I've always had problems being unable to "see the trees for the forest," so to speak. I can never be comfortable on the path to something, always feel like I have to get it all done then and there, or I can never relax. It's paralyzing, and keeps me from ever doing stuff. From feeling like I can work towards something. All or nothing right away is the mindset, and it always results in nothing. Can't escape it no matter how hard I try.

Going to see my physician to get prescribed meds on the recommendation of my psychologist. He thinks an anti-depressant is the key, with depression from bullying causing the massive anxiety I live with (and have lived with for over a decade). I'm worried I may need anti-anxiety, not anti-depressants. Worried about the time that might be wasted if they don't work. My friend is hoping that getting the right meds might "unlock" the real me. Thinks that I could do amazing things if I wasn't burdened and dragged down by the anxiety, the fear, the lack of confidence. Maybe he's right. I'm scared he isn't right, though. (but what aren't I scared of, at this point?)

Then there's the loneliness. Speaking of friends, I don't really have any. Only one, and he lives an hour away and we don't see each other much anymore. Both will probably be too busy in the fall to get together much at all. Besides that? No one. No one to hang out with, to do stuff with. I haven't had that for years. Over a decade. Even back then, only one at a time. Haven't been too worried about being single lately, but I'm sure it'll creep back up as soon as other worries die down some.

(removed the Tara story and put it into a new thread more suited to it)



I don't know what my real point in typing this is. Maybe I'll feel better once I hit submit. Knowing that other humans will read it and understand my words, even if there's nothing they can say or do to help. Maybe I can spend the last few hours of my night relaxing instead of fighting anxiety over feeling like I need to be doing everything to "fix" my life tonight, right here and now. If only I could put my heart and soul into writing like I did with this post, I'd probably be set for life on a career.
 
Since you already work at CVS could you get into a training program to be a pharmacy tech?

That's a good career and it's an easy job to get anywhere just in case you want to move around the country.

Writing fiction is hard to make a living off of. But the best way to start out is to do a workshop online, something like Litreactor, they have one you can do for 9$ a month. They have some good fiction classes but they can be a bit expensive. Or try reading The Art of Dramatic Writing by Lagos Egri, and Stein on Writing by Sol Stein. Those two books are great for learning how to write good fiction.

Once you write some stories you like there are plenty of markets to submit to like on Ralan.com.

The self publishing route can be okay if you do it on Amazon but it's good to have a lot of practice first and submitting to editors is a good way to get discipline with writing.

Friends and external things won't help much if you don't feel good about yourself from the inside.

I feel bad about myself and end up alienating the friends I make and feeling alone even when I'm with people.

Exercising is one of the best ways to build confidence. I don't do it enough myself but when I do I notice a huge difference in my mood right away.
 
theglasscell said:
Since you already work at CVS could you get into a training program to be a pharmacy tech?

That's a good career and it's an easy job to get anywhere just in case you want to move around the country.

Well, pharmacy tech is my current job title. You probably mean Pharmacist, which is the one with all the training and schooling and stuff. I really don't want to be a pharmacist, and from what I've heard, there's no opportunity for advancement unless its to be a pharmacist. In fact, one review specifically mentioned there's no room for advancement for someone with a biology or chemistry degree (and I'm a bio major / chem minor). I'd rather be working in a supermarket, honestly.


Writing fiction is hard to make a living off of. But the best way to start out is to do a workshop online, something like Litreactor, they have one you can do for 9$ a month. They have some good fiction classes but they can be a bit expensive. Or try reading The Art of Dramatic Writing by Lagos Egri, and Stein on Writing by Sol Stein. Those two books are great for learning how to write good fiction.

Once you write some stories you like there are plenty of markets to submit to like on Ralan.com.

The self publishing route can be okay if you do it on Amazon but it's good to have a lot of practice first and submitting to editors is a good way to get discipline with writing.

I'm already somewhat experienced with writing in general. Written several video game walkthroughs/guides, worked on some game development projects (all failed, though) as a story writer and designer, and even worked at a small company that published a weekly journal about the petroleum industry as a technical writer.

I really don't know if I would want to go with a "work for self" route. I have difficulty writing things on my own, but do much better when working on projects assigned by others. It's something I'm sure will become clearer if I pursue it, but knowing that doesn't stop me from feeling like the weight of the entire potential career is on my shoulders right now, and needs to be resolved all at once.


Friends and external things won't help much if you don't feel good about yourself from the inside.

I feel bad about myself and end up alienating the friends I make and feeling alone even when I'm with people.
That's not how it is with me. I spend so much of my time alone (and much of that time lonely), when I'm with people I'm practically a different person. So, much of the fact I don't feel good about myself on the inside stems directly from a lack of friends in my life. A nasty little catch-22, but not for the reason you might think. That I'm so different when I'm with people creates a disconnect in my mind that makes it difficult for me to connect with people, to think they know anything about the "real" me.

But even then, I never meet people into the things I am. I know I could always go out, get a new hobby, and meet people that way, but it wouldn't change the fact I don't have (many) friends in the hobbies I already have. There would always be that part missing, the part I know so many other people (who are my friends themselves, but are often only online, not in person) actually have.
 

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