Friendship turned to beneficial relationship turned to actual relationship?

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labelsorlove3

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I need advice from anyone who has been in one type of relationship - and have it turn into another type of relationship.

So I'm 26 and the guy is 33. About 6 years ago I decided to join a dating site. I was 20 so I just went on a basic one where apparently most people just look for intimate- not actual relationships. I met a guy and we started talking. I enjoyed talking to him but he was very honest in what he wanted and it was nothing that I wanted so we eventually went our separate ways. I'd receive the occasional text or email but I wouldn't really call him a 'friend.'

Anyway, last May (2012) he started texting all the time- we decided to meet up and get dinner. I had a great time but we both agreed that although there was physical attraction- we just both want different things in life so it would be better just to be friends. So throughout summer we would get dinner once or twice a month which was nice because I don't have many friends in the area. As the end of summer approached we started hanging out more and more, dinner, movies, bars, whatever. He started paying for everything. I kept making sure we were still on the same page as I didn't want to date him. He said he knew- just friends.

Well one weekend the texting just turned flirty- and it led to him and I agreeing to be intimate once just to get it out of our systems. It made sense at the time because initially we had met on a dating site and we both are attracted to one another and I was hoping that once I got it out of my system maybe I could really just look at him as a friend. Well we were intimate once. Then one time turned into two times... then three... then four... and so forth.

Everytime we were intimate one of us would say we shouldn't be doing this- but we did. Then things got more awkward because he started coming to my house a lot (I live with my parents & sister). And it wasn't like coming over to watch a movie and leave- we had a bit too much to drink one night and he slept over and then literally every weekend since last September (with the exception of two) he has slept over Saturday night. We get dinner Mon Wed & Thurs... and hes over Saturday night- and all day Sunday. For the past year he's been to every family gathering, Christmas Eve, NYE, Christmas Day, Easter, Memorial Day, 4th of July, etc. He takes my 12 year old cousin and me to the movies- pays for everything. So its went from friendship, to friends with benefits, to a serious relationship without being a relationship. I'm not even sure what to call it anymore.

Last month we decided we should slow down and maybe start dating other people which we both agreed to. I figured that meant we should hang out less. As soon as I suggested this he acted like I was getting rid of him. I'm not trying to hurt his feelings but if I'm dating someone else I'm not going to let him sleep in my bed 4+ nights a week. He thinks that we don't have to cut down how often we see eachother- I think that we should just stop hanging out all together because it seems like things are just wayyyy too complicated.

Honestly I don't want things to change- right now with my new job I'm not in any rush to date- but I can't handle him dating girls and me being left at home when it gets more serious and I do see him less with nothing to do. Especially when I know its because he met someone he'd rather be with more. And the weird part is I'm not jealous of potential girls- I'm just jealous that I'm losing my best friend. Its like I know I have to back down and move on- but its hard doing so when I have very few friends to begin with. For the last year I've actually had someont to go and do things with - things that I enjoy doing.

So I know most of you probably won't read all of that (don't really blame you) but I'm just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and how they coped? I can just feel this will be ending soon and I am going to feel so alone so I'm trying to prepare myself.

Thanks for any input.
 
Yeah you're right I didn't read all that but I'm in a bit of a rush since I need to get to work but I really wanted to reply by skimming your post over. It sounds like you really like this guy especially if you aren't sure about him dating other girls. Seems to me like you need to make a choice, be with this guy or cut him loose so he can date other girls.
 
Let's see - you found someone who you get along with to the point where you are best friends, and you find each other physically attractive, and you've been intimate on numerous occassions; most people are lucky to find such a person. It seems like you're kind of pushing this guy away, but it isn't clear why (you don't need to share why), but what does he lack that you are looking for from a partner? If you have some compelling reason why you don't want the two of you to be together, then you should stop sleeping with him - but, honestly, when he finds another girl, you are going to lose your best friend to that girl (that would happen whether you were a girl or a guy). If you don't have a great reason to not be together, then you should be together.
 
theraab said:
Let's see - you found someone who you get along with to the point where you are best friends, and you find each other physically attractive, and you've been intimate on numerous occassions; most people are lucky to find such a person. It seems like you're kind of pushing this guy away, but it isn't clear why (you don't need to share why), but what does he lack that you are looking for from a partner? If you have some compelling reason why you don't want the two of you to be together, then you should stop sleeping with him - but, honestly, when he finds another girl, you are going to lose your best friend to that girl (that would happen whether you were a girl or a guy). If you don't have a great reason to not be together, then you should be together.

^^This.
 
I agree with theraab as well. I have been on his side of that kind of relationship before. I met a guy, we ended up hooking up once. Became friends, hooked up more, then he came over all the time, brought me stuff, and pretty much lived at my house for a solid month. But he was the one who never wanted it to turn into a serious relationship. We eventually drifted out of each others lives and haven't been in contact for a couple years. It was sad situation, since we got along so well and could always have a really good time together. It took me a while to get over that one, and it gave me a bit of a complex like no guy would actually want to have anything serious with me.

Just think of how he's feeling, and don't fight it. I'm in a super happy marriage now, and there's nothing better. If you can have that great relationship everyday, think I think you should.
 
I'll just say, if you two needed to get anything "out of your systems" then there must be something there to begin with, yeah? Like Raab said, if either of you don't have a valid reason not to be together, perhaps you should be. You both may have been expecting some thing to happen considering where you two met, but I'm guessing not like how it happened. And the best things happen when it's least expected, right?
 
I was in that scenario about 15 years ago. Deep down, I knew that we weren't exactly right for each other. I knew we were great as best friends, and we had feelings for each other- but it wasn't exactly love. We started out in much the same way you did. We started out being really good friends, then having sex because there was mutual attraction, and then we moved in together. We still said we were just friends, and even tried to look for other people for deeper relationships. I'm going to skip a lot of the story because it's very personal... The important thing to know is.. Everybody was pushing us to get married because we were obviously a couple anyway, even though we weren't using titles. We finally did get married. Less than a year later, it over, and I haven't had contact with him in over ten years.

So don't focus on what is convenient for right now. Don't feel pressured to be with him because anybody else says it's the right thing to do. If you truly cannot see this being a positive move for your future, then let it go.
 
nerdygirl said:
I was in that scenario about 15 years ago. Deep down, I knew that we weren't exactly right for each other. I knew we were great as best friends, and we had feelings for each other- but it wasn't exactly love. We started out in much the same way you did. We started out being really good friends, then having sex because there was mutual attraction, and then we moved in together. We still said we were just friends, and even tried to look for other people for deeper relationships. I'm going to skip a lot of the story because it's very personal... The important thing to know is.. Everybody was pushing us to get married because we were obviously a couple anyway, even though we weren't using titles. We finally did get married. Less than a year later, it over, and I haven't had contact with him in over ten years.

So don't focus on what is convenient for right now. Don't feel pressured to be with him because anybody else says it's the right thing to do. If you truly cannot see this being a positive move for your future, then let it go.

I've appreciated all of the responses but yours was spot on. Reading yours just gave me insight to how mine would most likely end. He actually offered for me to move in when we first became friends and now I'm actually starting a new job Monday that's like 3 miles from his place so he reminded me again that I'm welcome to move in.

No one has pushed us for marriage yet but everyone says how cute our kids would be or they don't understand why we don't date. Its like everyone loves 'us.' I love us too and I'm definitely attached but I know its not butterflies in my stomach love- its I love you so much your the only person here for me love. Its like I'd be settling for someone that makes me happy but not what I really want in life. But at the same time I know when things change I'll be alone again so its hard looking long-term. I know it has to be done I'm just glad to hear that others have experienced something similar and came out okay.

Another thing that scares me is hes pretty against marriage/kids (he says he will probably eventually want to but hes 33 and has no interest still) so usually he will date girls for a year at the MOST and then be single- what if I'm still single and he comes back around? Then this would happen all over again. But being so shy its hard to turn him away because I like the comfort of having someone around.


theraab said:
Let's see - you found someone who you get along with to the point where you are best friends, and you find each other physically attractive, and you've been intimate on numerous occassions; most people are lucky to find such a person. It seems like you're kind of pushing this guy away, but it isn't clear why (you don't need to share why), but what does he lack that you are looking for from a partner? If you have some compelling reason why you don't want the two of you to be together, then you should stop sleeping with him - but, honestly, when he finds another girl, you are going to lose your best friend to that girl (that would happen whether you were a girl or a guy). If you don't have a great reason to not be together, then you should be together.

You also were spot on- I know we should stop sleeping together but I am terrified of losing him as a best friend. Most of my good friends are in their own relationships or live out of state now so I know if I lose him I'll be back on my own again. For a confident/social person it wouldn't be as bad but for me I have a hard time making friends.

The reason I can't see it working is because I see how he is in his past relationships- he cares for them immensely but as soon as the girl gets really attached he pushes them away. I'll admit right now I'm doing the pushing but its only because we have both talked about dating other people (mostly its me encouraging him as a friend) but he doesn't understand that when he does everything will change. I'll miss the sex, of course, but no more sleepovers either, or always having someone over on the weekend (the week isn't so bad with work). I want to be happy and I want him happy as well but its just hard after you've spent so much time with a friend and gotten so used to it.


VanillaCreme said:
I'll just say, if you two needed to get anything "out of your systems" then there must be something there to begin with, yeah? Like Raab said, if either of you don't have a valid reason not to be together, perhaps you should be. You both may have been expecting some thing to happen considering where you two met, but I'm guessing not like how it happened. And the best things happen when it's least expected, right?

I think getting it out of our systems was more sexual tension than anything. When it happened first was a while back and I thought it would smooth things out. Little did I know (he doesn't talk much about his personal life) that his dad died when he was 8 and his mom when he was 25. So he has a family but not like immediate family. I always wondered why a 33 year old 'friend' was so enthused to come to a girl who just graduated college and lives with her families house every Saturday night- especially when he has his own house and seems to be pretty well off (I would assume by all the crap he has). But I think the attachment has grown to not just me but my parents & sister who all love him more than me I'm pretty sure.

Its like I wish that I did have butterflies or that I would let myself because everything else about us just makes sense and feels right. But from the beginning we agreed no relationship and now we are here and discussing it could make things awkward- but so does not discussing it. And he thinks that if he dates or if I date things don't have to change much- but I know they will have to.
 
It is easy to become comfortable with the reliable presence of somebody like this. The thing you have to remember is that as long as you allow him to fill the void in your life, there's no room for somebody else. You said that his lack of interest in marriage and kids scares you. Is this only because he might try to pick up with you again, or is it that you would like marriage and kids for yourself? If you want those things, and he doesn't, then he's a pretty selfish guy to do that to you. Is that really somebody you want to be involved with on that level?
 
It's like anything else, take it a day at a time. I actually went through the whole thing, including the intimate portion. The intimate portion is always a nice little addition to any friendship as long as the feeling is mutual. Hell, my fiance and I were not meant to have a full blown relationship but 2 1/2 years later, we're still doing our thing. Let things evolve and see where it goes. He sounds like a great guy and I'd say go for it. It wouldn't hurt to give it a try. What could be a "for now" moment could eventually be a "forever" moment if everything goes well. And when I say evolve, that includes to where it eventually fizzles out if it gets to that point. Take it a day at a time and let nature determine your fate. And hopefully fate will steer you into a happy, content place.
 

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