What I have chosen to do about my situation

Hello all. Although I've been a guest here for a few weeks, this is my first actual day with an account on here, and my first real post besides the introductory one. Great to be here!

For starters, being new and all, I guess I should input some background info as to my...romantic situation.

Well, I'm a 25-year-old man, straight in orientation, a virgin in every possible meaning of the word (except an olive oil, lol), never had a girlfriend, nor a good girl friend for that matter, and for a long time, I used to struggle with the perceived societal stigma that guys in my situation were losers, creeps, rapists, forever-alones, and what have you.

It used to be that every day was another internal lecture: "I'm 18 and haven't found someone yet! What's wrong with me?!" "I'm 19, 20, 21, 22 and haven't found someone yet! What's wrong with me?!" I thought my life was only going to get worse and worse the longer I went without someone (which in my mind was inevitable). I started believing that my childhood notions of true, innocent, unconditional love were all garbage; that men and women both were vapid, shallow monsters that were hard-wired to perceive only surface attraction (be that looks, money, power, whatever) by corporations, family and peer influences, and to an extent, their own egos. I thought that I would never have that which I, ultimately, truly desired. I felt lost, lonely, and bitterly uncared for.

Then, one day, a stray thought came out of right field and smacked me across the face. What if my attachment to finding "the one" and the bitterness and hopelessness that came with all of the supposed "odds" being against me were all products of my own mind?

I've heard people say things before such as, "we are our toughest critics" and "I love everybody but myself", and as heavily used as these statements are, I can't deny that, in my own life, this has been very true. The internal dialogue I had with myself before was very toxic; telling myself that I would never be good enough for a woman to want to be with me, talking myself down time after time when a pretty girl I wanted to talk with crossed my path while simultaneously berating myself for being such a...well...*word for kitty cat, let's just say* for not approaching her.

Part of the way I knew I had to change my way of thinking and uplift my self-esteem was that I needed to change my internal dialogue with myself. Easier said than done, I know. It certainly was for me. I had to start very small at first. Through all of the poisonous thoughts I would have about myself throughout the day, I would target one, tiny, good thing I had done, no matter how absurd it seemed. "Stavros, I'm proud of you for taking out the trash. You are a good person for doing so."

Yeah, I thought "herp, big flippin' deal!" too when I said it the first time. However, day after day, I did the same thing for other, bigger accomplishments. Was I nice to someone that day? Not faked, but just a smile and a "hi, how are you doing?" which is pretty hard to get out of me sometimes. That, I would thank myself for later, even if the person thought it was unnatural of me. After a hard workout, I would pat myself on the back for it as well, telling myself how I'll feel better for it tomorrow.

This internal dialogue shift even started helping me in times when I got angry or depressed, two states I can get into quite easily. Both were (and still can be) like a drug to me. Once either of them starts, it snowballs into more anger and depression. I started really asking myself, "Why am I so angry? It doesn't help me. It doesn't make anything better. Why am I allowing myself to get like this?" These are actually tough questions for me, and I find myself without a reason for being angry or depressed other than some stupid little thing somebody did or that I thought I messed up. These days, I can effectively stop myself from getting to a more agitated state, almost as if I've conditioned it into myself.

So, long story short, I had boosted my confidence, my self-esteem, and my general mood in a marginally simple way without the need for external support. In essence, I learned how to give myself validation, rather than rely on other people or material things to do the job for me.

The other part of the equation still alluded me, though. "This doesn't change my wife/girlfriend-less situation. Self-validation aside, my life would be enhanced by the presence of someone I can love completely. How can I obtain this?"

This brought me back to the original issue, about loving and validating myself. I had spent my whole life musing on the various qualities that my "dream girl" would have, physically, spiritually, her mannerisms, her demeanor, but when I thought about it, I had never once spent the time needed to cultivate those same characteristics (other than physical, well...getting into shape) inside of me. "No wonder I spent half of my life hating myself," I thought. My thoughts and actions in the past went against everything I find attractive in a person, friend or lover.

I knew at that moment that, instead of fruitlessly grasping for love in the hopes that somebody would save me from my loneliness, I had to figuratively BECOME that which I love about other people. I've always been a firm believer in "like attracts like", and I figured that if I exuded the qualities I find attractive in somebody, that when the right person comes along, I know that they will be the one for me, and I will be more prepared to approach them and not talk myself down if they like me back (or don't).

Since all of those things have transpired, I found that I am happier today, even as a 25-year-old virgin, and in better physical and mental shape than I've ever been in my life. Other peoples' sex and relationship lives no longer bum me out when they talk about them, and my own lack of experience in either arena is worthless as a weapon against me. Furthermore, while I haven't found that one special person yet, I get approached by the opposite sex a little more now that my outlook is better, and my confidence bolstered. I'm still on the socially awkward side since that has always been more my demeanor, lol, but even that doesn't bother me anymore.

So, yes, tl;dr, don't just pursue the types of people that you find attractive, become that which you are attracted to by learning to validate and love yourself and taking whatever steps are necessary to achieve those goals. The steps will be different for each person, but I believe the fundamental process is the same.

Just my two cents on what I've chosen to do about it.

Sometimes its really nice to read something positive and about someone who has found a way out of a bad life long situation. I hope others can find some tips and tricks to help themselves when it comes to finding the significant other.

Usually what I notice is that when people come whining and are given advice to work on themselves first they only line up a lot of excuses as to why they can't or won't.

Waffle said:

Sometimes its really nice to read something positive and about someone who has found a way out of a bad life long situation. I hope others can find some tips and tricks to help themselves when it comes to finding the significant other.

Usually what I notice is that when people come whining and are given advice to work on themselves first they only line up a lot of excuses as to why they can't or won't.

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Thanks for the support.

Self-improvement is a tricky thing. There are many mental traps and blocks to weave around before it can actually be effective, but once those pitfalls have been avoided, the only way the momentum can go is forward.

I also had to come to the realization that I wasn't very pursuant of a relationship while lamenting my lack of it, which kind of kills it, in all reality.

I was actually a little afraid that I may have posted in the wrong forum, as there is also a "positivity" forum here too, and while I came to the conclusion that, for me personally, venting was useless as an improvement tool, I can relate that others might want a safe haven in which to share their pain without judgement.

However it can be done, I certainly encourage others to overcome one obstacle at a time until a larger push can be made.

It is great you were able to change your outlook so much, and also nice to see someone with such a positive attitude! Self-validation and positive reinforcement is difficult for me, but the fact that it helped you so much gives me hope.

Locke said:

It is great you were able to change your outlook so much, and also nice to see someone with such a positive attitude! Self-validation and positive reinforcement is difficult for me, but the fact that it helped you so much gives me hope.

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I have to admit, I'm much more positive now than I was not even a year ago. After years of self-assessment, and asking the right questions, the ones that were truly on my mind, pieces started falling into place one by one to make all of the aforementioned possible.

I think it's a good thing to have a few people on the forum who, even though they might still be lonely, have reached a stage where they're in a position to really assist others in problems that hit close to home for them. I want to be one of those people for someone who has reached their wits' end.

Thanks for the support!

Stavros said:

So, yes, tl;dr, don't just pursue the types of people that you find attractive, become that which you are attracted to by learning to validate and love yourself and taking whatever steps are necessary to achieve those goals. The steps will be different for each person, but I believe the fundamental process is the same.

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Exactly what I've been saying to others as well. If one wants to see changes and improvements made to their lives.. gotta start with yourself first.. mentally too. It's what I did for myself as well, so I can relate a lot here.

Awesome, Stavros. All the best.

ladyforsaken said:

Exactly what I've been saying to others as well. If one wants to see changes and improvements made to their lives.. gotta start with yourself first.. mentally too. It's what I did for myself as well, so I can relate a lot here.

Awesome, Stavros. All the best.

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Thanks a bunch.

A good friend of mine once gave me something to chew on for a long time, although I have heard it a few times before. He told me that he follows the mantra of "become the change you want to see in the world".

Well, there are a lot of things I wish the world would be like, or would be more like. I never used to picture myself when I thought of "the world". At the time, I was like a separate entity from that community; an outsider, mostly because of my low opinion of myself. Coming to the realization that I am indeed a part of "the world", and that my actions and thoughts have real-world consequences, helped me to see that while I might not be able to change other people or how they act, I have full control over the ways in which I react to situations and handle myself.

My current theory is that I will be able to eventually change somebody else in a positive way by remaining in a positive state, and role-modeling the behavior that I would want others to adopt.

Stavros said:

My current theory is that I will be able to eventually change somebody else in a positive way by remaining in a positive state, and role-modeling the behavior that I would want others to adopt.

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My sentiments exactly. You are just saying exactly what I believe in as well.

Well, although, I have given up on the "I will be able to...", it's more of a "I hope to..".

Sometimes I just think that the crappy and evil people out there are the ones who need to see more good. Who knows what could happen.

ladyforsaken said:

Well, although, I have given up on the "I will be able to...", it's more of a "I hope to..".

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As long as you maintain your personal integrity and interact with others in a way that you want to, and not in a way that anybody else tells you is the right way, I believe that it is inevitable that you will influence someone in your life for the better. It's not a matter of will it happen, it's a matter of when.

Sure, many people will be resistant to it, or downright immune. Fundamentally, someone has to want to change their thinking or actions before anyone else can step in to help them with them. The payoff comes when that one person who needs support, love, and commitment comes along, and someone is there to give it to them with no pretenses or promise of reward. That, to me, would make all of the rejections, attacks, and resistance I suffer all worth the trouble.

It's good that you're no longer letting your inexperience define you...but...

You're on a self-improvement treadmill having bought into the idea that you need to become like a monk, then one day when you're clean enough, not possessive, needy, moody, (not able to be human?) a relationship will just happen.

IMO that's Bullshit. Men with the worst kinds of personalities can still have girlfriends because they initiate. They ask women out. Women do not ask men out.
Your'e a guy and want someone in your life? Then be prepared to experience a lot of rejection first.

rdor said:

It's good that you're no longer letting your inexperience define you...but...

You're on a self-improvement treadmill having bought into the idea that you need to become like a monk, then one day when you're clean enough, not possessive, needy, moody, (not able to be human?) a relationship will just happen.

IMO that's Bullshit. Men with the worst kinds of personalities can still have girlfriends because they initiate. They ask women out. Women do not ask men out.
Your'e a guy and want someone in your life? Then be prepared to experience a lot of rejection first.

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Oh, I do not doubt that there will be a lot more rejection to come for me. This is really just a fact of life, that not everybody will want to associate with me, nor will many women be attracted to me in any way. It certainly takes the work required to talk to someone you're interested in romantically, and, should they be interested back, building a relationship with them from the ground up, which requires both partners to participate or else it's doomed to failure. Never will I tell anybody that, by doing nothing at all, you can have anything you want. I have experienced, first-hand, what doing nothing does for my life. It begets nothing, frankly. I'm sorry if I implied that everything falls into place without hard work, because it certainly doesn't.

I usually consider myself to be what most societies think of as "feminine". I enjoy my more interpersonal, communicative hobbies, such as writing, reading (usually fellow amateur writers' stuff that I talk with them about), and for valuing the artistic and expressive sides of music over the technical/engineering sides. In most situations, I'm more emotionally inclined than rationally so, thinking about how something makes me feel before considering the facts. This also extends to the general rule of thumb for these societies that "men are the aggressors and women are more passive", as I am very non-action but all-thought/feeling when it comes to members of the opposite sex I find attractive.

Let's say, one day, I see and talk to a woman I'm attracted to. I never show romantic interest for them outwardly, and oftentimes I will subconsciously do whatever it takes to mask my feelings as general nicety or politeness, but in my head I'm thinking, "Wow...what a fantastic woman...". Understandably, they never realize it (or pretend not to if they somehow catch on), and go back to what they were doing before when the conversation or whatever is over. It is at this point that an illogical thought enters my head - "Didn't she see me dropping all of those hints that I liked her?! I wanted her to ask me out!"

It is in this way that I understand where you are coming from when you say "women do not ask men out", because, as a guy, I'm very much the same way with women, lol. Someone with incredible passivity might have the interest, but will usually not initiate. Now, I'm more inclined to believe that it depends on the individuals involved when it comes to who makes the first move, because both men and women tend to have some traditionally masculine and feminine traits within them, including the possibility of initiating some sort of romance. Some are just better at attempting to hide them than others.

As far as self-improvement goes, I believe that even with all of the help in the world and all of the relevant resources at our disposal, there will always be times when we, as humans, fall prey to our weaknesses, and even sometimes the weaknesses of others. I never expect to be completely free of suffering or worry, even when I have reached my highest ideals. In my opinion, the success that comes out of life is not to shed your humanity (thus the ability to feel misery or sadness, among everything else), but to embrace and respect your own suffering as a force that must be dealt with in a way that does no harm to others or yourself. Life, for me, is a continuous learning journey, and the only way we can ever truly learn is through some form of discomfort with our life situation. If I was content with my life as it was/is, there would be no desire to learn anything else, because why improve what is already, in my mind, a perfect existence?

The "monk" analogy, however, was very intuitive, as some of my friends delving into Buddhist teachings may have rubbed off on me a little bit, lol. I couldn't even call myself close to an acolyte for such a thing, though, since I don't know what the "tenants" to the different branches of Buddhism even are.

I think what you have done is amazing. All the best to you .

GraceBlossom said:

I think what you have done is amazing. All the best to you .

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Thank you. This is really only the beginning in this shift of mindset, as there are many times where I find myself performing old, bad habits. Like I said though, it's discovering how to deal with the problems that will ultimately determine how I handle the rest of my life.