I'm so sick of living the same day all the time.

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klatter

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I'm just so ******* tired of being lonely, tired of being afraid, tired of being lazy, I just want to get up and never lay down again. I'm tired of sleeping all day and feeling like I have zero energy left, I'm tired of thinking I'm gonna choke to death on my own vomit while out in public when it's really just acid reflux and I know I can control it. I'm tired of fearing I'm gonna end up stuck at home and agoraphobic all over again.

I mean, it's just so ******* weird, because I want to get out and I want to do anything, but I don't know what to do. I have some college debt from when I dropped out and I can't pay it right now, I'm not broke but I can't go around like I'm Bruce Wayne or something. I wanna get a job, and it's not me being a fancy idiot for not wanting to do real hard work (this is the usual McDonalds - construction stuff), it's me being realistic -- I'm lazy and I have zero experience and would much rather sit on a desk taking phone calls or typing stuff, or being a store clerk, I don't know. But because I'm unexperienced I'm negative about any of that honeysuckle so I just back myself out. Oh well, at least I'm not suicidal. I really want to live a little.

Should I go to therapy again? Sure, why not? If I could afford it I'd be there already. The only thing I have is music. And even with that, I'm being a lazy bum. There aren't many cultural/fun things to do in my town (I live in a South American country, one of the boring ones) and as a result, I only have a few friends here and most of my real friends live in different countries. I was planning to attend a screening of Psycho today at the only remaining art cinema in town and I'm not there, because even though I can watch a thousand movies on my own, I do not want to be there by myself.

I'm basically tired of being reminded how bright and creative I am because I keep disappointing everyone by being the complete opposite of that. I'm tired of being lonely even on the freaking internet, man. I used to be so much better. All I need is another push, because the yearning is there. Some days I just feel like screaming and running away. I'm tired of being tired. I need a change of scenery. I need to find my way.
 
It seems to me that you have lost your direction in life but do not worry things will get better.

Firstly, stop being so hard on yourself. I know you're feeling down but beating yourself about it won't help, you just need to use these strong emotios and turn them into dedication to change and be happy. Just by acknowledging that you're not happy with your life , you are bettering yourself. You can still apply for these jobs even if you have no experience and even try and get some but don't sit around because it is just making you feel depressed.

As far as therapy goes , there is this saying 'friends are cheaper than a therapist' so maybe you just need to talk to someone and express yourself. Already by writing down your feelings your doing a great job. Go to other events , join clubs etc. This will make you passionate and introduce you to new people. Even sport is good for the soul so do whatever you need to do.

Take care
 
Sometimes acid reflux is from the food you eat - or at least I found, with some people I know who have had it :) Have you tried anything to ease it? From what I know it cannot be very comfortable to always have it!

Music is my therapy lol :) I find getting rid of the low beat/downer songs, and adding in more catchy songs helped for me to be a little bit more motivated... Trust me, I'm an artsy person who also has a knack for knowledge and animals of all sorts. Am I doing something with it? No. >< Helps if there were people to give you a push, right? :)

Did you know where I live... Even at a mechanic's shop... If you have ZERO or very little experience but are willing to show up, work, and learn... You have a higher chance than some guy with 10 years of experience? I work in an electronics store. Did I know much? Oh heck no. Do I now? Not as much as other people, but I know enough to help out the customers, get the answers they want/need, and steer them in the right direction so that they are happy with their purchase.

If you beat just the people who are always calling in sick, "don't wanna be hheeeeeerrrree", and the nocall-noshows... You've got it made :)


I agree with Diamondintherough. You understand what's wrong currently, you know you are not happy, and you have acknowledged it. That's a great step quite a few people still need to make themselves!
 
diamondintherough said:
[...]express yourself. Already by writing down your feelings your doing a great job. Go to other events , join clubs etc. This will make you passionate and introduce you to new people.


Good advice!
 
Take heart. You really do have your whole life ahead of you. It just sounds like you are in a bit of rut and cycle. At this point, what you are DOING right now is not working for you. You know that. You know that you CAN do more than you are doing.
So, from today start acting "as if". Start behaving your way to success. I am not trying to give you canned answers but honest help. Get up and get moving. Go out and start pounding the pavement for jobs. You have some college background and no doubt have taken some useful classes. So, really go out there and just get started. And, realize that it is a place to START. Life is a journey. And, you may think you are taking a "dead end" job to get started. But, do not view it in that light. EVERY job has worth and value to society. And, ANY job is going to give you new skills in terms of dealing with people, efficiency, organization, etc. And, it is easier to find a job when you have a job, so you just need to START and then let that be a stepping stone. You don't know where your life will lead. You might meet someone on the job or hear about a great opportunity from a coworker, etc. But, if you aren't getting yourself out there, you will not find what you are looking for.
 
Yeah I get what you mean, Although I have no idea about the whole lonely thing.

I mean, you lot are the closest thing to a family I have, but I'm not here to feel sorry for myself as I chose this life.

There are periods of time where my days blur from one to the next and it can get pretty tedious, when I was younger I wondered if it would be that way till I got up one day and found myself to be old.

I'm happy to stand by and watch the world spin on like its going somewhere, when we all know, deep down, it isn't.
 

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