Altoids
Member
I've reached a dead end in my life, and I have no idea where things went wrong.
To put it simply, I'm a quiet, reserved, introverted individual with social skills that perhaps rival a rock. Despite that, I've made it through school, through college, with the hope that a great career would lie before me. I did what the teachers told me. I studied, did my homework, got good grades, did all that stuff, under the assumption that it would pay off. It did not. Why? Because they always taught me to be yourself. They teach you that it's OK to be who you are. I believed that. I believed that being a quiet, shy individual was OK, but it isn't. Not in the world we live in today. All that matters is social skill and how many friends you have. That's it. I know a guy who barely made it through high school who's now married, with a kid on the way, with a 60k salary, with no college education. Why? Because he's the best **** talker there is. He knew how to talk his way through the corporate ladder. That's all he needed to know. Me, I thought it would be my skills that carried me, but no. It's not what you know, it's who you know. Unfortunately I learned that too late.
So here I am now, eight years working in a grocery store, since my senior year of high school. Stocking shelves every ******* day. I can't even begin to describe what that is like, for someone like me, a creative individual who strives on using their imagination and artistic abilities. My job requires no use of my talent. None. It's the most brain-dead work there is. And on top of that, I got to listen to the same **** music. The same **** music for EIGHT years! Do you know what it's like to listen to the same songs thousands of times? Even when I'm not at work, those songs creep in my head. I lie in bed at night, they haunt me. Then again, back in the store. Same thing every day. And you know what I do when I'm not working? I'm sitting at home, in my room on the computer. It's like Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. That is what my life is like now. Not one aspect of my life has changed in eight years. I've been living exactly the same day since high school. I feel like a zombie. I feel like I don't even use my brain anymore. All my actions are autonomous. I'm just an empty shell at this point.
And that's just the beginning. As a result, I have no self-esteem. No confidence to do anything. Since forever, I always imagined what it would be like to have friends, or even a girlfriend...but I know with certainty that can't even happen now. I'm 25, working in a grocery. I don't even own my own car. I live at home. I'm EMBARASSED to be seen in that work uniform. I've had my college professors see me working there, only to never see them again. One in particular, I saw her from the corner of my eye. I didn't even look directly at her, but she gave this look of disgust...like I was some peasent, like those untouchables from India. Like I was a leaper or something. Like, if I have a low paying job, I shouldn't even be given the time of day.
To make things worse, my most grandeur failure to date was the book trilogy I was working on. This was something I was working on for ten years. I spent so much time developing the story, the characters, the entire concept. I mean, I can't even begin to describe all the work I put in to this. The cities, the planets, the people, the technology, basically a sci-fi epic. This was my DREAM since I was little, to tell this story. Every day while I was at work, I would work out the scenes in my head, converse with my characters, and during breaks, even write parts of the story on paper towels cause that was all I had to work with. I spent nearly 2000 hours writing the whole thing, revising, editing, designing the book cover, manually creating the e-book version. Couldn't get a publisher, so I say fine, I'll self publish. Tried advertising online wherever I could. In the end, I sold 2 copies and made about $5.
It was one of those things that doesn't hit you until much later. Once I realized my effort was in vain, I sort of felt nothing. I mean, I didn't even write it for the money. I wrote it because I wanted to tell the story. But just to know that I was unable to achieve nothing with my greatest effort just spelled out a hopeless future for me. I'd love to meet the guy who coined the phrase 'hard work pays off' and punch him square in the jaw for being such a ******* liar.
Meanwhile I don't even want to leave the house. I can't stand seeing happy people, happy couples. I can't even bare to look at an attractive women because all I can think is, boy, if I were a normal human being, I'd probably have a chance to hook up with her. So now, all I want to do is isolate myself because it hurts to much to view a functioning society. In a world where everything is sexualized, you feel pretty pathetic for being a virgin at such an old age. I mean, in just a few short years, the state of my life will be humorous enough to be the basis for a hollywood comedy (40 year old virgin).
So yeah, I've been applying for jobs in my field. No luck. And I feel a big part of the problem is that my only real employment is the grocery store. That's not going to look good to any employer. They'll think I'm a moron. So I'm messed. It's the end of the line for me.
I could keep venting forever. I could keep mentioning things, like how I hold seven-hour long conversations with myself at work. Or how I have a diary/journal that's 350,000 words long (essentially the length of the Lord of the Rings trilogy), due mostly impart by a failed romance in high school. That's a whole other sad, pathetic story right there. Failed romances probably go all the way back to 2nd grade for me. I invited a girl to my birthday, and she rips the invitation and throws it in the trash. What kind of 2nd grader does that?! I feel at times like I must be some kind of ogre or something. I freak people out when I call them by name, like my voice belongs to a monster or something. I don't know, I don't care. I'm going to stop.
Feel bad about cluttering the place with this. I figure you'd have to be pretty bored to read all of it. Don't really expect anyone to, but I have no one else to speak to. But if you did read it, thank you. It actually feels amazing for anyone to acknowledge my existence in a world where I'm pretty much invisible.
To put it simply, I'm a quiet, reserved, introverted individual with social skills that perhaps rival a rock. Despite that, I've made it through school, through college, with the hope that a great career would lie before me. I did what the teachers told me. I studied, did my homework, got good grades, did all that stuff, under the assumption that it would pay off. It did not. Why? Because they always taught me to be yourself. They teach you that it's OK to be who you are. I believed that. I believed that being a quiet, shy individual was OK, but it isn't. Not in the world we live in today. All that matters is social skill and how many friends you have. That's it. I know a guy who barely made it through high school who's now married, with a kid on the way, with a 60k salary, with no college education. Why? Because he's the best **** talker there is. He knew how to talk his way through the corporate ladder. That's all he needed to know. Me, I thought it would be my skills that carried me, but no. It's not what you know, it's who you know. Unfortunately I learned that too late.
So here I am now, eight years working in a grocery store, since my senior year of high school. Stocking shelves every ******* day. I can't even begin to describe what that is like, for someone like me, a creative individual who strives on using their imagination and artistic abilities. My job requires no use of my talent. None. It's the most brain-dead work there is. And on top of that, I got to listen to the same **** music. The same **** music for EIGHT years! Do you know what it's like to listen to the same songs thousands of times? Even when I'm not at work, those songs creep in my head. I lie in bed at night, they haunt me. Then again, back in the store. Same thing every day. And you know what I do when I'm not working? I'm sitting at home, in my room on the computer. It's like Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. That is what my life is like now. Not one aspect of my life has changed in eight years. I've been living exactly the same day since high school. I feel like a zombie. I feel like I don't even use my brain anymore. All my actions are autonomous. I'm just an empty shell at this point.
And that's just the beginning. As a result, I have no self-esteem. No confidence to do anything. Since forever, I always imagined what it would be like to have friends, or even a girlfriend...but I know with certainty that can't even happen now. I'm 25, working in a grocery. I don't even own my own car. I live at home. I'm EMBARASSED to be seen in that work uniform. I've had my college professors see me working there, only to never see them again. One in particular, I saw her from the corner of my eye. I didn't even look directly at her, but she gave this look of disgust...like I was some peasent, like those untouchables from India. Like I was a leaper or something. Like, if I have a low paying job, I shouldn't even be given the time of day.
To make things worse, my most grandeur failure to date was the book trilogy I was working on. This was something I was working on for ten years. I spent so much time developing the story, the characters, the entire concept. I mean, I can't even begin to describe all the work I put in to this. The cities, the planets, the people, the technology, basically a sci-fi epic. This was my DREAM since I was little, to tell this story. Every day while I was at work, I would work out the scenes in my head, converse with my characters, and during breaks, even write parts of the story on paper towels cause that was all I had to work with. I spent nearly 2000 hours writing the whole thing, revising, editing, designing the book cover, manually creating the e-book version. Couldn't get a publisher, so I say fine, I'll self publish. Tried advertising online wherever I could. In the end, I sold 2 copies and made about $5.
It was one of those things that doesn't hit you until much later. Once I realized my effort was in vain, I sort of felt nothing. I mean, I didn't even write it for the money. I wrote it because I wanted to tell the story. But just to know that I was unable to achieve nothing with my greatest effort just spelled out a hopeless future for me. I'd love to meet the guy who coined the phrase 'hard work pays off' and punch him square in the jaw for being such a ******* liar.
Meanwhile I don't even want to leave the house. I can't stand seeing happy people, happy couples. I can't even bare to look at an attractive women because all I can think is, boy, if I were a normal human being, I'd probably have a chance to hook up with her. So now, all I want to do is isolate myself because it hurts to much to view a functioning society. In a world where everything is sexualized, you feel pretty pathetic for being a virgin at such an old age. I mean, in just a few short years, the state of my life will be humorous enough to be the basis for a hollywood comedy (40 year old virgin).
So yeah, I've been applying for jobs in my field. No luck. And I feel a big part of the problem is that my only real employment is the grocery store. That's not going to look good to any employer. They'll think I'm a moron. So I'm messed. It's the end of the line for me.
I could keep venting forever. I could keep mentioning things, like how I hold seven-hour long conversations with myself at work. Or how I have a diary/journal that's 350,000 words long (essentially the length of the Lord of the Rings trilogy), due mostly impart by a failed romance in high school. That's a whole other sad, pathetic story right there. Failed romances probably go all the way back to 2nd grade for me. I invited a girl to my birthday, and she rips the invitation and throws it in the trash. What kind of 2nd grader does that?! I feel at times like I must be some kind of ogre or something. I freak people out when I call them by name, like my voice belongs to a monster or something. I don't know, I don't care. I'm going to stop.
Feel bad about cluttering the place with this. I figure you'd have to be pretty bored to read all of it. Don't really expect anyone to, but I have no one else to speak to. But if you did read it, thank you. It actually feels amazing for anyone to acknowledge my existence in a world where I'm pretty much invisible.
