Biological Parent Issue

It's been bugging me, so it's half a rant half a "what can be done" thing

Quick background: My biological mother had my older half brother, then had me a year and a half later. She never wanted girls. She became pregnant with my younger half brother (for those keeping track, we all have different dads.) and "could not handle me!" so my aunt and uncle took care of me, and she took me back. And it happened all over again. This time, my aunt and uncle told her to allow them guardianship. I was about 18 months old.

By 11 years old, I was receiving "gifts" from her, which really... Were just a way to buy affection, sided with the empty promises of her letters ("Want to come see you!" "Want to be there for your graduation!" "Going to move down next year!" etc).

Now, I am 20 years old and going to have a daughter of my own end of January. When she found out, she sent a drunken midnight FB message to me, about how she was so excited for me and wanted to be there in my life and play a part in "the kid's" life.

Maybe I was a bit harsh when I asked "what part of my kid's life DO you want to take?" but come on? A woman who didn't want her middle child, never even TRIED to visit, is a drunk AND dates men that people would be unsure of trusting...? And she has a sudden realization that she wants to play GRANDMA? No.

She took it wrong... Of course this was in the morning, y'know, when she was sober. And she acted as if I were a right out *****. I outright told her that my parents (aunt and uncle), were grandma and grandpa.

"Oh ok. Well I wish you the best of luck then." Was her reply.

She gave up?! My family told me she will try again and again anyways. But she will give up each time.


If I took forced pity on her, and did the whole "of COURSE you can be around MY child! You're my biological mother! You deserve every ounce of my pity, time, and energy!" (sorry for the sarcasm -.-)... Then I'd be subjecting my child to an unstable and angry drunk - not to mention putting my daughter in possible harm's way with those.... .... Untrustworthy flings....



I will say, if she changed... If she actually put effort towards not "oh woe is me my life is horrible and you all hate me!" attitude, and instead towards getting help, counselling, etc... I would not mind so much. But how the hell do you encourage someone to do so?

I don't know if using the "look, if you don't change this, you can't be near her!" would work. I'm willing to try that "tough love" method. I'm very much to the point with her. No beating around the bush, no "sensitivity" because she doesn't seem to care.

I would love it, to see her change and become the person she could be.

*** A quick note, even if I do nothing, I will have to deal with her trying over and over to have me let her see my child, and "play a part".

stand firm in what you think is best for your child. now, im not saying that your upbringing was bad.. but you probably have a pretty good idea on how to (and how not to) raise a child by your personal experience.

"She gave up?!" <-- this immediately led me to a thought... natural human behavior - person #1 does not want to go to the party. Friends #2-#5 didnt invite #1 to the party because they know #1 would not go. #1 feels sad that #2-#5 didnt ask.

i cant stand the... um, i dont know what its called.. but you want people to invite you just so you can say no. you want her to keep trying just so you can say no, because you feel better if she tried.

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im not accusing you of doing that... thats just what came to my mind first, and thought i would share it.

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anyways.. blood or not, do whats best for you and for your child.

A "Change or you'll never see my daughter" ultimatum will be a gamble. It sounds like she has been living that way for a long time, so change will be difficult for her. She could try it, fail, and end up back in the same lifestyle. This is especially true if she's an alcoholic.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't give her the chance. If you do, it will probably take a lot of hard work from her and patience from you.

I know how you feel to a certain degree (deadbeat Dad), so I can tell you that if she's not showing any signs of changing she most likely won't. It sounds as if you are an afterthought for her only. I know all about that. My Dad pulled this same routine for years, and then there were my own children to think of. I thought of how his "my involved, oh wait no I'm not" attitude affected me. Did I really want to put my children though this vicious cycle of feeling confused and abandoned? Nope. So when he showed up once a year or so acting like "Grandpa" and confusing my children when they were too little to understand and who were like "Who is this guy again?" I put an end to it. They don't need the rejection and confusion. He didn't mean it, I knew he didn't. I had a good replacement like you do, and hence they had all they required of love and attention that was genuine and real. Sometimes you have to save yourself, and walk away.

I agree with the poster above. It sounds as though your mother's erratic behaviour is so ingrained that she will not be able to change the way she acts. You and your child deserve better than to be messed around for years to come. As the above poster says, sometimes you have to save yourself and walk away.

Regumika: Though it may sound like that, it is not what I meant. I would rather she gave up and stopped. No trying. If you don't want to succeed, don't bother trying. I don't feel better when she tries. I feel worse. Because I cannot tell her "why yes you can!" I feel I have to tell her no as for the better of my family, and their safety even. Though I do know what you mean - since I do know people who do it on different accounts and situations (For relationships, it is usually the one leading the other on, just to shut them down. It's like a game...)

I did not tell her right off the bat, because I didn't want to have to tell her "no".
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Locke, I would try it if I had to. I know she won't butt out - and she will just keep on trying. If she really wanted to be there, she NEEDS to be there. But if she doesn't care to put the effort forth - I don't care to bother. I cannot change her or her ways, only she can.
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ForGrantedWife and Tiina63: If she did decided to actually try... And then pulled exactly what you mentiond ForGrantedWife - the "show up and gone again" behavior... I would stop it. I don't tolerate it, and never will. I met my younger brother's dad when I was 5 or 6... "I'm his dad!" he says. "But you're not MY dad!" lol. Try explaining that one to your kid! Or having the grandparents who you don't even know... That's a hard one too. "All these people are your grandparents!" lol

My father did that to me for years before I finally cut him out of my life when my own daughter was born. I call them "hit and run" parents.
My own daughter's father (my ex husband) is doing the same crap to our child. If it was legal to do so, I'd cut his ass right out of her life before she realizes what a ****** he is. Unfortunately, it's not my decision. The pain she will feel later in life, when she realizes she's not on his list of priorities, it will hurt her. I wish there was something I could do for her, but at this point, there isn't.
At least you have the option of choosing to allow your mom into your child's life or not.
Choose wisely.

EveWasFramed said:

My father did that to me for years before I finally cut him out of my life when my own daughter was born. I call them "hit and run" parents.
My own daughter's father (my ex husband) is doing the same crap to our child. If it was legal to do so, I'd cut his ass right out of her life before she realizes what a ****** he is. Unfortunately, it's not my decision. The pain she will feel later in life, when she realizes she's not on his list of priorities, it will hurt her. I wish there was something I could do for her, but at this point, there isn't.
At least you have the option of choosing to allow your mom into your child's life or not.
Choose wisely.

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You know one good thing my Mom did for me when I was a child was that she let me figure it out on my own that my Dad was a ******. She never made excuses for his absences when he wouldn't show up or cover for him, but she didn't rail at him in front of me. She let me decide for myself how I felt about him or what he did or didn't do. He could never claim that me walking away from him or feeling bad towards him was her doing. He won that on his own merit. I started out by loving him, and it took a few years before I realized he wasn't worth my heart or my pain.
She didn't help ruin us by bad-mouthing him, he did that all on his own

But I really applaud single mothers for their dedication and sacrifice, you have the hardest and most rewarding job in the world You girls rock!

ForGrantedWife said:

She let me decide for myself how I felt about him or what he did or didn't do. He could never claim that me walking away from him or feeling bad towards him was her doing. He won that on his own merit. I started out by loving him, and it took a few years before I realized he wasn't worth my heart or my pain.
She didn't help ruin us by bad-mouthing him, he did that all on his own

But I really applaud single mothers for their dedication and sacrifice, you have the hardest and most rewarding job in the world You girls rock!

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Yup...I rarely say anything about him in front of her. She will make her own decision about him, based on his own actions - not something I said about him.

ForGrantedWife said:

But I really applaud single mothers for their dedication and sacrifice, you have the hardest and most rewarding job in the world You girls rock!

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aww...that was a sweet thing to say.

It is very good not to bad mouth a parent (or any relative) in front of kids. They may actually turn against YOU for being the *****... Rather than the person in context.

My mom was a single parent with my brother (cousin). My dad, took us as his own kids when they could not have kids. Well... They could have, with the drugs and stuff. But he outright said he already had kids. I have never met a guy who would accept someone else's kids as his own. I definitely applaud both single parents AND people willing to be there for a kid that is not their own

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Personally, I may try the "if you REALLY want to be there, prove it." Kind of thing with my bio-mother.

Senamian said:

Personally, I may try the "if you REALLY want to be there, prove it." Kind of thing with my bio-mother.

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This.

As you explained it's of no consequence to you if she's there or not, so make sure she knows that and she either does it properly or not at all. If she screws up enough for you to say "no, no more" and she keeps coming back then you can be offensive (and enjoy it if you wish )

I like your thinking. LOL.

You could let your biological mother be somewhat involved without worrying about exposing your kid to the alcohol or men of questionable background. I mean, this isn't a parent, it's a grandparent. There are kids all over the world with grandparents who live on the other side of the country or in other countries, and they just have light contact.

I grew up on a different continent from most of my family. My grandparents didn't speak English, so once I forgot how to speak Korean, that was the end of our verbal communication. However, they still sent me things every now and then, and I still saw them sometimes. We weren't close, but it was still family, and it still meant something to me to have extended family out there in the world.

I'm a mom now, and my ex hasn't contacted our child in about five years. His mother sends Christmas presents every now and then, or leaves a note on facebook to update us on how that side of the family is doing. My kid is the one who makes the rules about what privileges that side of her family can have. She tells me if she wants pictures or news shared, and she decides whether or not she wants to see or talk to anybody. She's always liked having this light connection to that side of her family, even though she doesn't feel especially close to them.

Only thing is, she is not a grandmother. At all. My parents are. She may be there, if she so chose - as long as she is actually there. Mainly because I don't personally need someone "walking in and out again". I don't feel she'll understand how important family aught to be by being allowed to just "be there when she feels like it".

Senamian said:

Only thing is, she is not a grandmother. At all. My parents are. She may be there, if she so chose - as long as she is actually there. Mainly because I don't personally need someone "walking in and out again". I don't feel she'll understand how important family aught to be by being allowed to just "be there when she feels like it".

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It's not that I don't get what you're saying... but the relationship you have with your mother is a separate thing from the relationship your child could have with your mother.

This is like that saying- any guy can be a father, but only a special one can be a Dad. Your bio mother isn't a Mom. You have issues with that, and it's totally understandable. Just remember, though... This thing about not needing somebody who walks in and out is your issue. It is not your child's. Their dynamic would be a completely different thing. The person who is declaring whether or not she's a grandmother at all... is you.

I'll just end it now and say I'm not going to bother with "letting her in". I don't need her criticizing me, when she couldn't even raise her own kids. Or her going on her stupid drunken rants. Or her saying "she will be there for me and my kid" and really, is there if and when she wants to be. There is no ounce of love between us, because if there were I wouldn't have posted here about it and she wouldn't have given up in the first place when she found out she was NOT grandma.

I have been thinking about it since before I posted this, and you know... I don't think I'll even bother. It's not a loss to me (or my kid...) to have one less "influence" there.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I don't know what to say.. but I think the other posters have said it best. I just wish you and your kid all the best and hope things work out for you both.

Thanks!