Very undesirable situation - advice needed!

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

dorotka

Member
Joined
Jun 8, 2013
Messages
5
Reaction score
0
This is so uncomfortable to talk about, but I just have to.
Okay, about 3 months ago, I slept with this guy. We've had this chemistry for months, and so we went for it once. I didn't take it seriously though, kinda like a one night stand but with a friend? Something like that. So we pretty much stayed in touch ever since, but about 2 weeks ago we started talking a bit more, and basically the casual conversation went to a conversation about sex. I always liked him very much, in fact I find him to be the most handsome guy in my town. I thought to myself, if it happens again, it wouldn't be bad.. Kinda like friends with benefits. And I liked that idea. I have never done this but I didn't feel like a w---e because we're friends. So we went out a couple times, and 3 days ago we slept together again. When he got home he messaged me right away and we talked until I fell asleep. However, it was just sex. Nothing romantic.

Now the twist. He has a girlfriend... I know I know, you think I'm horrible, disgusting, and stupid. BUT! When we slept together for the first time, he told me AFTERWARDS he had a girlfriend. I told him we've known each other for months and that I didn't know.. And he said he never mentions her and stuff like that. I felt terrible automatically. And now, the second time, he told me they were taking a break and that they're breaking up constantly and that he's ready to let her go forever. He said he's bored with her, they don't have sex, she's going crazy about every little thing and stuff. And I told him I don't wanna do this while he's with her, but we did it anyway because he kept telling me he's breaking up with her. I know this doesn't make it any better but... I just wanted to clear that up. I know it was stupid and selfish of me but I couldn't help myself. I'm drawn to him so much and since we were together now I can't stop thinking about him.
I actually think I might me starting to feel something.. And that is bad. That is what I need advice on. He hasn't talked to me for 2 days now which is weird for him. I know they're still taking a break and that he doesn't love her. I don't want a relationship with him because 1.) he would cheat on me sooner or later too, and 2.) he would never want a relationship with me either.
But I just feel so many things now and I miss him and I want him again, I know it's wrong.. just tell me your opinions, but preferably don't make me feel even worse. Although I know I'm a bad person for doing this...
 
im glad that you are sharing doro, it shows strength and conviction.

first thing first... do not belittle your own feelings. your feelings arent wrong, you just need to understand them.
second... im not hating on your friend... but anyone who would cheat is not worth it. you want someone that will be honest and true to you.

as for what to do now.. i would definitely wait until some action on his end.. not talking to you is a good indicator on what he really was going for.. "getting bored of her" is a red flag too. it lets you know he isnt looking for a relationship. can he still be a nice guy? sure, but probably not partner material in the long run. talk to him more.. get to know him more.. take it slower and assess your feelings regularly.
 
It's over and done with. You did what you did, now move on. Because if you get entangled with HIM then you MAY miss the real love of your life because you won't see or meet him if keep this going.
Feelings are not reliable. You can't base your life on feelings. Yes, it will feel bad to say goodbye but allow yourself to feel it and cry and let it out and move on with your life. That is no way to start a relationship. And, if he had a GF and cheated you know in your heart he will do the same thing to do.
 
The fact that it's uncomfortable to talk about makes places like this the perfect place... I also think talking about it, makes you feel better... no matter how embarrassing.

As for your problem. I personally think it's impossible to be friends with benefits at least for 99.9% of the world. Either one or both people will eventually catch feelings. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I would also say as a side note I commend on your your morals, and reading what you wrote I don't think you really did anything wrong. The fact that you feel bad and struggling with this isn't a good feeling to have but shows that you are a GOOD person. I also kind of think the same way you do. A person willing to cheat on someone with you, has a good chance of cheating on you.

I think you're biggest issue is you're lying to yourself when you say you don't want a relationship with him. At least for me when I read it, it sounds like you obviously do. That's why your so panicked he hasn't texted you in two days. I think the biggest issue aside from his girlfriend is the second reason that he wouldn't want a relationship with you either.

So to me your options are:
1) Move on completely... don't see this happening without a lot of pain and/or regret that you didn't even try.
2)Tell him how your feeling. You can do it subtlety without any grand proclamation. Just hint that you missed him. See how reacts. Find out where you really stand.

Relationships are complex and people say a lot of things. I know someone who fights with his wife all the time and constantly says they are breaking up and getting a divorce. A little time goes by and they are as happy as can be. That's been going on for years and they have never actually been apart. Of course the guy your talking to is going to sound upset about his girlfriend when he's talking to you. He's talking to YOU. You need to find out what the real situation is.
Then based on that you can decide how your morals hold up. Talking to him about officially breaking up with his girlfriend before doing anything, the possibility of you two being more than just hookups, etc.

Good luck with whatever you do.
 
" I know I know, you think I'm horrible, disgusting, and stupid."

As a great friend of mine had said; no one, absolutely NO ONE, is above cheating. It's those who fight the urge - that can make this world great.

As for you - you didn't know. Not your fault... I understand your guilty feelings, because of "oh my god I'm making him cheat!" but again - you did not even know.

------------

Want my honest opinion? I have dated someone who fully admitted he had cheated on a couple girls before dating me. I still made the choice.... to be with him. His "just a friend" was obviously not "just a friend". He is someone who does not feel remorse (right now anyways) for hurting someone, because he is "bored in the relationship" but "doesn't have the heart to break it off" kind of crap. He was someone I cared deeply for, and because we didn't "sync" so to speak... It failed. I failed. He failed. WE failed.

I agree, you sound like you DO want a relationship :) You feeling it merging, and you are trying to keep it back.
But does he want just sex? Or does he ACTUALLY care about you? If you suddenly started crying out of the blue, would he CARE to ask why? Would he push through every time you shut down, or shut him out, JUST to know what is wrong, so that he can make it better?

That is something that is very important. You need to trust them. They need to trust you. If you go in with "what if", you will come back out with "it happened!". You need to care about them, inside and out. They need to care for you, inside and out.
 
So one minute you're madly in love with your female friend, next thing you feel guilt over shagging a guy who isn't single? :(
 
This might be the unpopular opinion around here but I gotta say it and it's going to take me awhile to explain so bear with me. It's not always the man's fault. There are so many contributing factors to why the relationship doesn't work. My husband was married when we met. He asked me out to an event, I declined because I wasn't about to get involved with someone who obviously could cheat and that was already married. He claimed he was miserable with her, yaddy yadda. I said if you're so miserable I'd think maybe you'd want to get a divorce before you start pursuing other women. He claimed she was already cheating on him and had been since the beginning. I was like "Yeah right." He whips out this crumpled letter out of his back pocket and hands it to me. It's his wife writing to another guy about how wonderful it felt to be with him sexually. About stuff she wanted to do to him the next time they met up. And this was one of many different types of proof that she had been messing around with multiple partners behind his back. And also, he said she was very violent during arguments about it. He refused to hit her back because he had seen his Mother abused as a child and wouldn't stoop to that level. Long story short, he got that divorce. She remarried later on, and tried to get in touch with my husband several years later and even traveled across the country to show up at our house once. Proving once and for all that a tiger doesn't change her stripes. She was married to another man and trying to get the attention of her ex husband at the same time. Given the chance she would have cheated with him.

And I have seen evidence in other relationships that some women cause a man to seek another partner and the end of the relationship is there but hasn't been finalized yet. So there may be more to this story than meets the eye.

But the difference is, I refused to get involved with someone already taken without him first proving he meant it (by going to an attorney and starting divorce proceedings in my case). Willingly trading yourself to someone to be used at will for sex is counterproductive to your own safety and well being. Because sex for some people is an act of feeling not just with the body but also of the mind and heart. It's really quite impossible to stop yourself from developing feelings for the man. Hence the trouble currently starting for you inside your heart and mind. You know already this isn't good for you, don't you? So you have your answer whether you want to follow those instincts of self-preservation or not. If you go on like this, you do so knowingly and willingly setting yourself up for possible heartbreak.
 
It's him who sounds like the horrible person for the way he's treated his girlfriend, plus the way he speaks about her.

I'm not sure why you would want a boyfriend like that.

If he can do it to her, he can do it to you.
 
I would say test both of yourselves, if he really broke up with her. And you aren't sure if you want a relationship or not/ trust/ or not.... Don't have sex for awhile, give it time to see where it goes. If he cares for you, he WON'T go back to her, and he would be willing to respect you and your wishes.

I don't believe for a second that two people can continue a sexual relationship, and one of them not start to have feelings about it. And those feelings cause common sense to go right out the window. So give it time just being around him, and find out where each one of you stands..... See if it passes the test of time.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top