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No need to read... very long story of what brought me to ALL...
#1
Warning extremely long, very loserish, and kind of depressing... No real point in posting it other than just put it out there to feel better

I am 30 years old, and very socially inexperienced. I have never had a real relationship. I have had opportunities of course. I have had girls who have been into me and tried starting something. But I have never been into the girls who have been into me so I always shut it down.

It's because I also fake being that cool happy guy very well. I come off to many people as extremely affable, constantly cracking jokes and laughing. I read a quote how the saddest people laugh the loudest and I think there is definite truth in it. It's only when people start getting to know me that they see something isn't quite right.

It actually never really bothered me until a few years ago. I always had that naive belief that when it is the right time it'll happen naturally and on its own. This may be very true for people who live respectable social lives and constantly meet potential people. But for people who isolate themselves that obviously is impossible.

So for the last few years I've buried myself in the internet. It became my real life socializing substitution. If you are aware of the vlogging websites around the internet like blogtv, stickam, younow, justin.tv. I was a constant fixture on blogtv for hours a day. It is actually pretty common to do so and there were lots of "regulars" on that site.

I could so easily talk to people hiding behind my computer screen, and with my superior fake socialization skills, I could be liked by a lot of people. It just felt good seeing a person laugh at your jokes. Especially when that person is someone you think would never talk to you in real life.

Queue February 2012. A young girl starts web casting. She was 18 years old, would sing, play her guitar, and just talk. She would come on for a few hours once a week or so and I would be there as much as possible. So much so that she would remember my name. I would just make one liner jokes and sarcastic comments and she would laugh.

Come up to the end of July beginning of August she coming on everyday for hours and hours. We started talking a lot. Mostly general basic stuff. Movies, music, youtube videos, sitcoms, that sort of stuff. But she would also talk about her thoughts, hope, dreams, whats going on in her life etc. But it soon became obvious we just got along better than everyone else. By November it became pretty much us talking with either nobody else in the room or everyone else not saying much. When I say we would talk I mean, think 50 hours a week, into the real late hours of the morning and all day on weekends. She would message me to come on the website and I would. She was so open with her life, and started trusting me like a confidant.

The site eventually closed, and we moved to skype in February 2013. Now it really was one on one and it was pretty much exactly the same except 100% us. I need to add I thought she was gorgeous. I also never lied to her about anything. She knew my age, but she was okay with it. She lived her own isolated type of life where her best friend was her now 35 and 37 yr old cousin. When I told her my age and said I shouldn't talk to her anymore, which was way back in maybe October she said she didn't care and wanted to keep talking. It was also never sexual in anyway. When she first started talking to me she tried flirting but I shut it down and she never started again. I also need to add due to my low self esteem she knew very little about me. I shared tidbits of stories in my life, but she never saw what I looked like, or really knew much about me. I on the other hand knew every little thing going on in her life because she was that open.

So between February and the end of August we had "fights" several times. She would just make me feel bad about my relationship with her. She would say things like we are not friends we are just people who talk. There is no such thing as internet friends. I was there for some momentous moments in her life. Her birthday, thanksgiving, christmas, new years eve, the day she got into a car accident. She would always ask me to come talk to her but we aren't anything other than just people who talk.

So we would go periods of time without talking. The next always longer than the last. A week, two weeks, three weeks etc. I kind of realized that I was starting to have very real feelings for her. I became obsessed. The fact that she purposely shared all her social networking sites made it even worse. I knew her tumblr, twitter, youtube, and instagram accounts. Whenever we stopped talking I would miss her so much I would check her pages several times a day.

But she would eventually always come back. I also was always honest with her. I told her how I felt. I liked her too much and I can't keep talking to her. She would get depressed and lonely over these periods of time and I thought it was because I wasn't around. Eventually she would email me asking to talk in a moment of extreme sadness. Then we would continue on for a little bit like nothing happened. Until my brain took over and said no we really need to stop.

I've never been in love in real life so I have nothing to compare it to. But I do believe I am/was completely in love with her. It was far easier for me since I had so much to base it on. I've seen her, heard her, know EVERYTHING about her. When you can talk 16 hours with someone on skype there is a definite connection there. I'm aware that you lose something by never meeting. I've asked people and they said you can fall in love but your loving an incomplete picture. Either way the heart still feels it.

I also thought hard whether it was obsession versus love. I read an article saying obsession is when you are doing things for yourself, and love is when you're doing it for her. If that's true than it was love. I never wanted to stop talking to her. I just knew it was better for both of us if we did. So I confessed my love for her and told her it was for the best.

But the thing that surprised me is she said she felt the same way. She came back begged me to stay. She admitted all those depressing moments of loneliness was about me, because I wasn't there. Played all these love songs that she had been listening to that made her think of me. She also put up covers of love songs she made just for me on youtube. My brain knew she couldn't possibly feel the same way. She doesn't know me at all. I could walk up to her in the street right now and she would be like, who are you? But she used phrases like my heart can see you better than my eyes, and she astonished me by proving that she knew every little story I ever told her.

Still I knew I was bringing her down. So I did what was best and left again. She went into a short depression of a few weeks and then all of a sudden snapped out of it. She realized what I told her. That she didn't need me. That she would be happier with real people... and she is. But I didn't know how bad I would take it.

I know I did the right thing, but I'm ashamed of how I acted since. I've begged her to talk for the last month or so. I think it was easier in the past because a part of me knew she was sad over me and might eventually come back. But now she has really realized she doesn't need me. She's made friends with guys she never gave a chance to before and she's happy. I knew she's in a better place.

I knew she would too. She is gorgeous with a good personality. Plenty of guys would try to hit on her, but she would rather spend time with me skyping away. It is crazy to get that kind of reaction from a "dream girl". I mean she definitely had her own issues. Take away the 12 year age difference we were in the same place when we started. She wanted a relationship but had very little experience with guys. That changed in the last 3 months, where she started meeting new guys and gave her first BJ. We went 6 weeks without talking and she gave up her virginity to a guy she thought she really liked and felt so guilty about it she emailed me saying she might do something stupid. Like I was a close friend to her... and the happiest moment in the past year or so was the time I've spent with her.

Like my brain knows that this was for the best, but my emotions still feel like shit. I also can't stop myself from checking her accounts so I have a good idea what's going on in her life. A part of me was so afraid that she would eventually look back and think why did I spend so much time with that loser. So much so that I kept bothering her until it happened.

A few days ago the worst possible thing could have happened. I saw her on a streaming site. She had just made a new account. She was happy. She was texting a guy. She knew him a long while ago, but was never interested. It's only after we stopped talking that she suddenly started crushing on him. Part of me is happy she's living this real life. Part of me still refuses to believe it's all over. So I told her it was me. She got really sullen and annoyed. Said I ruined her night, and a lot of other hurtful things. People asked if I was an ex... and she said no way. She could never be into me that way. She never even liked me. She asked me what i wanted and I said to be friends again. She said knowing what she knows now that is impossible. I want her to be my girlfriend and to fuck me. She can't be friends knowing that. Worse, she said I wasn't even a friend. I was a fan who was borderline obsessed with her.

She was just tired of it all like she should be but the words hurt.

So here I am in this sorry state. I have never felt closer to someone than this fake girl. I've felt lonely before, but now knowing what it feels to actually have an emotional bond with someone... I really feel lonely. How many people can you just talk to for 16 hours? I have friends, and I can't do that without getting annoyed or bored.

It wasn't even a real bf/gf relationship. It was never sexual. She is a very flirty sexual girl, but she never could flirt with me. Something about the energy of the relationship. She constantly said she loved me in a different way. A way when I wasn't there it physically hurt her. I think she loved me like her best friend, because in many ways I was one to her. That's why it really did hurt her every time I left. Like having your best friend say goodbye forever. It hurt so much that in the end she convinced herself it was more than a friend.

My brain knows that this was a good thing. I can finally start living and working on me. I was too ashamed of my looks, and my "Boring" life that I barely opened up to her. As close as I got to her, it was a very one sided relationship. But my heart just doesn't care. Knowing that at one point in time I was a huge part of her life makes it so hard to move past her. The sad truth is nobody else has ever "valued" me as highly as she once did where my sheer absence caused her emotional distress.

I was having a really bad moment so I googled lonely and found this site last night.

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#2
Well, I read all that despite you saying it was not worth the read.

When she was pushing you away (saying the rude things) it's her internal conflict. I know this, because that is how I am.
However, at the end with how she treated you as "nothing more than an obsessed fan"... She didn't feel comfortable telling people about you. Probably not because of you as a person, but could be the shame that tends to still linger with "online relationships and friendships". It is still mocked, frowned upon, etc. Even though we are now a technology based world.

As for that feeling of being "lost" or "wishing"... You like having the conversation. The near-face-to-face contact, where you can bear your soul and won't be judged. People get to know you for you... Online ..... Instead of the initial judgement I find tends to be in person.

If you do find someone that you love... And who loves you back... Don't let age mean anything. Age is in numbers; life is in memories.
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#3
(09-20-2013, 10:47 AM)Senamian Wrote: Well, I read all that despite you saying it was not worth the read.

When she was pushing you away (saying the rude things) it's her internal conflict. I know this, because that is how I am.
However, at the end with how she treated you as "nothing more than an obsessed fan"... She didn't feel comfortable telling people about you. Probably not because of you as a person, but could be the shame that tends to still linger with "online relationships and friendships". It is still mocked, frowned upon, etc. Even though we are now a technology based world.

As for that feeling of being "lost" or "wishing"... You like having the conversation. The near-face-to-face contact, where you can bear your soul and won't be judged. People get to know you for you... Online ..... Instead of the initial judgement I find tends to be in person.

If you do find someone that you love... And who loves you back... Don't let age mean anything. Age is in numbers; life is in memories.

Thanks for replying. I actually really appreciate it. I know in the moment whatever this thing was, it was real. The last time she tried getting me to stay, she admitted she says things she doesn't really mean. She doesn't know why she said there is no such thing as internet friends, when it was obviously true.

I actually mailed her a few letters and a birthday card. She told me she threw them all out. They were bringing her down. I know she was going through an internal struggle reading what I wrote.

I think the most flattering thing about this, I've never been this wanted by someone before. She did overly romantic gestures you only see in movies. She put up covers of the one that got away and Last kiss just for me. I've never felt so loved in my life. The thing that made it all the better was that this was a "dream girl". I could never imagine someone like her even giving me the time of day out in the real world. Even for her to spend this much time with me, it's because she had her own social issues. Which I'm glad I helped get her over. But I still just miss it.

I know how pathetic it is. But a part of me is so sad because I don't think I'll ever feel that kind of love and want again. Especially from someone who I looked so highly upon.

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#4
It really is not pathetic. You're allowed to be sad about what was lost.

Think I got over a few major things in my life? Not even close. I just avoid conversing about it because it overwhelms me. Why won't I get over it? Because those major things involved people who mattered the most, and who I looked up to and cared about.

I don't care what people say - online, can be almost as real as in person (asides from the overall physical aspect). The emotions are real. the people are real. The troubles are real.
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#5
(09-20-2013, 11:20 AM)Senamian Wrote: It really is not pathetic. You're allowed to be sad about what was lost.

Think I got over a few major things in my life? Not even close. I just avoid conversing about it because it overwhelms me. Why won't I get over it? Because those major things involved people who mattered the most, and who I looked up to and cared about.

I don't care what people say - online, can be almost as real as in person (asides from the overall physical aspect). The emotions are real. the people are real. The troubles are real.

Thanks, it sounds like you've had an online experience as well. I think only people who have actually experienced it can truly understand it. A lot of people in my real life think it's completely ridiculous and I'm just being "dumb". "You're just talking. She's 18? What was the end goal?" Your words actually mean a lot.
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#6
Yeah some of those experiences were in person - one main one online. And he recently (two years ago?) began to deny we were in "any kind of relationship" and that in fact "he did not know me at all". I've seen his face, heard his voice - listened to his words. But he turned very sour very recently... He wasn't always that way. But, I guess, people change.

I didn't even bother telling him I was contemplating visiting him - if just to prove him wrong about "no one caring".

As for in person... I'm not good at socializing. I actually dislike people in general - and large crowds make me tense, stressed and cranky. So... Online, a lot easier!! Some of the best people I know, are online. And some of these people I know in person too - and never regretted meeting them in the first place. A few are metaphorically my brothers and they are there when I need to vent, and when I just need someone to talk to.


I think it is stupid to put a "cap" on age limitations. I know someone who has been with her spouse for 10 years. Never married, but a mutual common-law relationship. He's 15 years older. I've never seen a happier couple. Sometimes it CAN work. As long as neither of the two feel ashamed, annoyed, or scared of the age difference. I'm with someone who is 5 years older than I am. I have ALWAYS found guys who are older (maybe just in my area...?) seem to be a lot more mature, and ready for the REAL life, than someone the same age as me.

I am glad my words mean a lot. Because I meant them! Smile I don't justify in some people's behaviors. Some of their attitudes... Made us who we are today.
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#7
Omg you know EXACTLY how I feel then. That is how she is now. A little over a month ago, I meant everything to her, and she admitted I was one of her best friends. Now she refers to me as a borderline obsessed fan.

I mean I know she had to have this point of view change for her own sanity. She has rationalized it to the point where she can move on without me. I knew it would be so much easier for her to move on as well. But knowing something is going to feel bad and then experiencing it isn't quite the same.
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#8
No, it tends to be a lot worse when you do experience it. Same with thinking "I can handle this". Truth is, that's a lie to yourself and it's never something you can really handle.

IT saddens me to see people "suddenly change". They end up shoving everyone else aside.
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#9
This is really just for me to myself, to put it out there....

Okay time to get very real with myself because I spent most of Sunday watching this girl do a live stream. It took up hours of my time. What did I get out of it? I learned she first met the British guy at a club, then went home with him. This is when she realized she really didn't need you. They were skyping each other casually for two weeks, till he visited San Diego and convinced her to come over for a willing booty call. She did, and drove 40 minutes down to him where they talked for two hours. Then she had sex where she stripped down for him and had wild sex in all sorts of positions, and played with his nipple ring. Then she drove back home just to come back the next night to do it again. Do you enjoying knowing that? That's going to terrorize your mind.

She spent today sending cute messages back and forth and she is totally into him. It wasn't JUST sex. She actually feels a connection with him. They can talk. He listens to her, makes her laugh, and yes they have great sex. But she also did it all knowing he would be going back to Britain and she probably won't see him again. If she does it'll be at least a year. She has no plans to pursue a real relationship with him. She is just very comfortable having something casual and very enjoyable in the moment. She is a very free spirited teen who is a distant cry from the girl you knew who was so uncomfortable and inexperienced with guys. You thought you knew her so well and had a real connection. But during all those hours you were watching she was talking nonstop to a guy named Lui. Except it was even more honest than she ever was with you, because she felt uncomfortable that you would judge her with her sex stuff.. and you kind of do. She vaguely mentioned the stuff she does with you because you come off as judgmental. She wanted to see Lars so bad she tried getting Lui to buy her $60 in movie tickets first. She agreed to send him ass shots if he did.

There is nothing wrong with how she lives. She is a wild teen doing whatever she wants to get as much happiness out of life. It's you that is wayyyy too square for her. She's far wilder than you ever could be. You're not a tattoos, with nipple piercing, loves to get drunk, and casual sex kind of guy. YOU WISH YOU WERE. BUT YOU WILL NEVER BE. She liked you at one point deeply. But it was because she is that emotional 18 year old who HAD NOBODY ELSE and didn't know any better. Part of you thinks if you never stopped talking with her that she wouldn't have ever gotten with that guy. But then she wouldn't be as happy as she was with him. You would be robbing her of that happiness for something shallow. You're being selfish. You were also disillusioned. Your connection wasn't nearly as deep as you thought. You've been talking with her for 19 months, she starts live streaming again, and she just replaced you with Lui, a guy she met 3 times. Their conversation was just as good if not better than yours. She realized how superficial your whole relationship was as well. She said so herself. She doesn't need you anymore.

Yes you find she has lots of good qualities that completely mesmerized you. She was funny, smart, gorgeous, SEXY, musically talented, and PASSIONATE. A simple metallica t-shirt would get her so excited. But she has so many bad qualities that you always saw but just ignored. You know you're not really into girls who have casual sex after meeting a guy, and she's done that with every guy she's had a thing with. It started off with blowjobs and now it's sex. In the past three months she went from giving her first blowjob, to giving up her virginity, to casual wild sex and booty calls.

She'll say she doesn't care about looks as much as minds, but she gave her v card to someone who reminds her of Eddie Vedder, and her sexual escapade with the British guy started off because she thought he looked like Ryan Gosling. She's not very compassionate to people. She treats her own family very badly. You were so nice and kind to her, and the last time you spoke to her she was cold and dismissive. She is also willing to exploit people for money. $5,000 from a disturbed French man. She sells ass shots casually for $60. She USED you because she had nobody else. All the free gifts, and money has also made her money hungry. She has no work ethic, no job, and no care about school. She focuses on her music, but that seems to have gotten lost with her sexual awakening. She is good, but by no means spectacular.

The most dangerous thing about her now is that she is fully aware of how mesmerizing she is. That's why she is so willing to sell her own ass shots for $60 now. Her dad also has no discipline with her. She's maxed out her credit card in 6 months, with no real care for her single dad's financial well being. That's a dangerous path, and just think of the very real possibilities in the future, of either selling herself or using men.

Like this is the girl causing you so much distress and destroying your life. You haven't been able to sleep properly for the last two weeks without sleeping pills.

I think the sex thing is undeniably a large factor in your mind. Knowing a girl you find this attractive and this sexually wild was into you at one point of time is one of the biggest factors of all of this. But you also know you were never her idea of hot. That was NEVER going to be you ever. She says she is not superficial, but you know she is. You also know she is not the type of girl for you. Man up and move on. She can't prove it, but she also KNOWS your stalking her. It's time to move on. The girl you knew is long gone and she is never coming back. She's living her life. Go live yours.
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#10
That was definitely worth a read - and a worthy reminder to yourself. That right there is what I was talking about - allowing yourself to see the flaws, along with the good traits that were there. You know what she is becoming (or has become), and you know you are not that kind of guy.

Which by the way, there is no way we need anymore nipple ring tattooed guys. Lol. By the sounds of it, you are like many people on here - you have a mind, and common sense. Even after something has fallen apart. Which - by the way - I've found very depleted in my area.
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