S
Soul Seeker
Guest
From the age of around 11 or 12 I have found it difficult to make conversation with people, especially in social settings. I seem to freeze and don't have anything to say and as a result I’ve had very few friends and only one sexual partner in my life.
If I do find someone that I feel comfortable with I tend to cling to them; when i was in my teens and early 20's I had one friend that I met whilst at school and stuck very close to him. He was a very friendly, popular person and as such had a healthy social life. The people that we would hang around with were his friends not mine. If he was going out he'd usually invite me along, but if he wasn't going somewhere I didn't go out - I was his shadow. It was a similar situation when I used to go along to family gatherings, I would try to cling to my sister or my mum and dad.
At all social occasions I felt like an outsider, I would be the person sitting in the corner or hovering about - not really speaking to anyone. Some people would notice my discomfort and make an effort to speak to me, but after a minute or so the awkward conversation would fall flat and die out. Around the age of 21 my problems were really starting to trouble me. Up until this point I had hoped that I would simply grow out of it, I hoped that as I matured I’d learn how to socialise. But this wasn't happening; in fact I became less and less able to talk to people and eventually started to avoid socialising. I declined offers from family members to attend their parties and saw my old school friend less and less. On the occasions I did go out I felt humiliated, as people around me chatted with one another whilst I spoke very little to anyone. Feeling that my weaknesses were being exposed, I would get extremely drunk in an attempt to cover up my inadaquacies.
Believing I was destined to live life alone, I became depressed and started to drink at home on a daily basis, this carried on for around a year until I got some help from alcohol/drug addiction counselling. I continued to avoid socialising until I met my first girlfriend when I was 24. She was a loving, caring, beeautiful and sexy young woman and i still love her. This was one more girlfriend than I’d ever expected to have and we ended up having a 4 year relationship. It showed me that I was capable of forming a new and close bond with someone and as the relationship with my girlfriend deteriorated, I began to wonder whether I would be able to repeat making a bond with any other women. I split with my girlfriend about a year ago but am still in contact with her, we go out together about once a month - purely as friends. I have no other friends and rarely go out now, other than to work. I don't go to any family occasions other than those where my inattendance would offend people, i.e. funerals. My life consists of work, watching TV, listening to music and going to bed. My loneliness and sense of inferiority and inadequacy often lead me to feel depressed. During these periods of depression i usually keep social contact to an absolute minimum, don't go to work and sometimes have suicidal thoughts - although i don't believe i would ever put these thoughts into action. After 1 or 2 days i usually snap out of depression by focussing on what my life could be like if i disregarded my social problems, worked hard and looked after myself; I then set myself goals and think about how I could use my time constructively - but within a couple of weeks I am back to being depressed again and off work. I don't want it to stay this way so I am seeking help, I want to know how I became unable to converse as others do around me and whether there is anything I can do about it. Maybe I am suffering from some form of personality disorder, perhaps psychotherapy can help me? I know talking to someone about how I feel will lighten the load a little.
I feel I need to be able to create rapport with people in order to make friends, to get along better with my family and to find new sexual partners, if I fail to do this I am worried that loneliness will lead me back to long lasting depression and alcoholism/drug addiction.
If I do find someone that I feel comfortable with I tend to cling to them; when i was in my teens and early 20's I had one friend that I met whilst at school and stuck very close to him. He was a very friendly, popular person and as such had a healthy social life. The people that we would hang around with were his friends not mine. If he was going out he'd usually invite me along, but if he wasn't going somewhere I didn't go out - I was his shadow. It was a similar situation when I used to go along to family gatherings, I would try to cling to my sister or my mum and dad.
At all social occasions I felt like an outsider, I would be the person sitting in the corner or hovering about - not really speaking to anyone. Some people would notice my discomfort and make an effort to speak to me, but after a minute or so the awkward conversation would fall flat and die out. Around the age of 21 my problems were really starting to trouble me. Up until this point I had hoped that I would simply grow out of it, I hoped that as I matured I’d learn how to socialise. But this wasn't happening; in fact I became less and less able to talk to people and eventually started to avoid socialising. I declined offers from family members to attend their parties and saw my old school friend less and less. On the occasions I did go out I felt humiliated, as people around me chatted with one another whilst I spoke very little to anyone. Feeling that my weaknesses were being exposed, I would get extremely drunk in an attempt to cover up my inadaquacies.
Believing I was destined to live life alone, I became depressed and started to drink at home on a daily basis, this carried on for around a year until I got some help from alcohol/drug addiction counselling. I continued to avoid socialising until I met my first girlfriend when I was 24. She was a loving, caring, beeautiful and sexy young woman and i still love her. This was one more girlfriend than I’d ever expected to have and we ended up having a 4 year relationship. It showed me that I was capable of forming a new and close bond with someone and as the relationship with my girlfriend deteriorated, I began to wonder whether I would be able to repeat making a bond with any other women. I split with my girlfriend about a year ago but am still in contact with her, we go out together about once a month - purely as friends. I have no other friends and rarely go out now, other than to work. I don't go to any family occasions other than those where my inattendance would offend people, i.e. funerals. My life consists of work, watching TV, listening to music and going to bed. My loneliness and sense of inferiority and inadequacy often lead me to feel depressed. During these periods of depression i usually keep social contact to an absolute minimum, don't go to work and sometimes have suicidal thoughts - although i don't believe i would ever put these thoughts into action. After 1 or 2 days i usually snap out of depression by focussing on what my life could be like if i disregarded my social problems, worked hard and looked after myself; I then set myself goals and think about how I could use my time constructively - but within a couple of weeks I am back to being depressed again and off work. I don't want it to stay this way so I am seeking help, I want to know how I became unable to converse as others do around me and whether there is anything I can do about it. Maybe I am suffering from some form of personality disorder, perhaps psychotherapy can help me? I know talking to someone about how I feel will lighten the load a little.
I feel I need to be able to create rapport with people in order to make friends, to get along better with my family and to find new sexual partners, if I fail to do this I am worried that loneliness will lead me back to long lasting depression and alcoholism/drug addiction.
