Am I in solitary confinement or something?!?

During the last few months there have been a few instances where I've felt like a prisoner confined in a cell. The first instance was actually at school. I'm a tutor, but nobody ever comes by my room for tutoring, so basically I get a paid study-hall 3 hours a week, which, don't get me wrong, is pretty sweet (in spite of the lousy pay). Well, it was one of the first "nice" days of Spring, and I saw all the other students hanging out in the garden below from the window of my room. And boy did I feel horrible at that! I felt like a prisoner looking out between the bars at all he is missing in life, and it really brought it home that I was truly wretched, sad and alone.

Normally I hate the spring because it is during this time that it seems there are more people around doing people things which I'm completely deprived of. I enjoy the winter most because when it's cold out, people make themselves scarce and I don't have to feel so nervous being outside. And, looking out that window, I noticed that all the students were doing something very alien and utterly incomprehensible to me: they were relaxing with each other!! I felt very worthless and socially inept at that thought, but at the same time I said to myself "****, does that look beautiful!" The flowers were blooming, the cherry blossom trees were starting to sprout an all these happy kids were enjoying the day. For a long time I had felt that I was just a misanthrope, but that's when I realized that I can't truly bring myself to hate people 100%, because life looks so beautiful and like such fun for them. I don't hate them, but man oh man am I envious! Well, it all made me feel very deprived of life standing at the window it almost brought me to tears.


Now, there have been no classes at my school for the last week so that we all can have a chance to study for the finals beginning tomorrow. And in this time, when there's no reason for me to go outside, I simply haven't. I've spent the last week in doors, most of which alone in my room. I think I'm starting to go a bit stir crazy! But this always happens when I've got no school. When I was in high school one summer I only went outside 5 times! 5 times in three months!!!

So, I've likened my situation to that of a prisoner in solitary confinement, but who are my guards, who has condemned me to this punishment? Well, that's the worst part of this because I'm responsible for it all! I just don't know how to be around, and am afraid of, people so I isolate myself like this. Sure, when I'm all alone like this I really yearn for some human contact, but when I'm in class or on the bus or whatever I freak out, my mind goes blank and if somebody does try and engage me in conversation I panic and only end up mumbling at them. Being with people just doesn't come naturally to me, but the company of others is something that other people don't even give a second thought to. Do I deserve this? Am I not a person because I lack something that for most people is just instinctual? I hear it all the time that people are "social creatures", so wtf does that make me?

Sorry for the rambling post that never really went anywhere. I promise that my next post will be the story of one man's journey into the unknown that will keep you guessing till the very end

An archist said:

Sorry for the rambling post that never really went anywhere. I promise that my next post will be the story of one man's journey into the unknown that will keep you guessing till the very end

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hahaha well as far as wit and substance go, you are more than blessed

I am sorry my friend that life is so lonely for you, but you know what? Social interaction is not neccessarily instinctual, it takes lots and lots of practice and plently of occassions in which we freeze up and sound idiotic before we can relax enough to just enjoy the other person and not let our insecurities get in the way. Also, sometimes it just takes lots of luck, that the right people (kind, patient) are put in our life at the right time. It's tough, and everyone struggles with it, its just that some are better at hiding it. No one does it 'without a second thought,' Everyone is awkward in the begininng...but its a learning curve, we get better as we gain more confidence...and its not like you aren't interesting (talking to you right now in the chat...crackin me up)

Anyway, I know you are probably like rollling your eyes right now because you have heard it all before, but it doesn't make it any less true. If its a social anxiety disorder, which it might be, and
btw I hate the word 'disorder,' have you ever tried seeking any outside help...therapy, medication? I don't know, there are probably a lot of options out there, just curious if you have ever tried anything and how it worked out.

I don't know, even though I have a relatively healthy social life, I understand what you mean. I didn't always have friends and even now that I do, and I love them, it doesn't mean that I don't feel lonely, feel lost. Does that make sense?

It seems like you want to change your current situation so I am going to give you the advice you gave someone else and say start small (har har). Maybe frisbee on the green is a little much for now...but what about just a friendly conversation...or a smile...or eye contact...or a walk down the hall?? Whatever you want, its up to you.

Good luck, my heart goes out to you!!

iwasaloverb4thiswar said:

Anyway, I know you are probably like rollling your eyes right now because you have heard it all before, but it doesn't make it any less true. If its a social anxiety disorder, which it might be, and
btw I hate the word 'disorder,' have you ever tried seeking any outside help...therapy, medication? I don't know, there are probably a lot of options out there, just curious if you have ever tried anything and how it worked out.

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I actually haven't heard it all before, I don't get much encouragement in this respect, so thanks. But yes. I'm seeing a shrink and have been on the pills for almost a year now...all I can say is that I'm more confused now than when I started! I certainly want to get off my brain medicine though, hell!, I never was all that enthusiastic about going on it in the first place! Well, thanks for the reply, it was sure worth the wait!

An archist said:

So, I've likened my situation to that of a prisoner in solitary confinement, but who are my guards, who has condemned me to this punishment? Well, that's the worst part of this because I'm responsible for it all! I just don't know how to be around, and am afraid of, people so I isolate myself like this. Sure, when I'm all alone like this I really yearn for some human contact, but when I'm in class or on the bus or whatever I freak out, my mind goes blank and if somebody does try and engage me in conversation I panic and only end up mumbling at them. Being with people just doesn't come naturally to me, but the company of others is something that other people don't even give a second thought to. Do I deserve this? Am I not a person because I lack something that for most people is just instinctual? I hear it all the time that people are "social creatures", so wtf does that make me?

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That is pretty much exactly how I feel. I've kind of imprisoned myself in a solitary cell, and even though I pine for company I panic if the opportunity arises and mess it all up. We both need a jail-break! Although I haven't quite worked out how to escape from my own prison

OhDear said:

That is pretty much exactly how I feel. I've kind of imprisoned myself in a solitary cell, and even though I pine for company I panic if the opportunity arises and mess it all up. We both need a jail-break! Although I haven't quite worked out how to escape from my own prison

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We bust into the warden's office, hold him hostage, demand a helicopter and 100K in small, unmarked bills, then we hook up with Spanish Mike to smuggle us accross the border!

Oh, and btw: your hippo avatar is adorable!

An archist said:

We bust into the warden's office, hold him hostage, demand a helicopter and 100K in small, unmarked bills, then we hook up with Spanish Mike to smuggle us accross the border!

Click to expand...

Hmm, good plan! Count me in!