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Cucuboth

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Joined
Nov 27, 2012
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How do you feel when you find out that someone you used to know is getting married?

In this case, we weren't friends of course. The total opposite actually. He was one of the worst bullies I ever encountered, and had to endure for 9 years. And ever since, when I've run in to him, he's never changed. But, that aside, I get the feeling that I know I should be happy for them, or at the very least, I shouldn't care. What's it to me?

It brings up the feelings of, "When will it be my turn?". And, "What's so wrong about me ....?". Why do they get a chance? Why do they get to find someone who cares about them that much? Why do they get the chance to love .. and be loved .. like that? I look in the mirror, and see a guy who hasn't really, honestly, been loved. Who has had his love rejected, walked over, kicked around, used, abused, laughed at, and ignored. I see a 37 year old virgin, who hasn't had his first kiss, or held hands, or even cuddled or hugged. I haven't been close enough to do those things, and there's nobody to just 'do them' with.

They look so happy in the photos. All smiles and laughter. And yeah, I know not all marriages work out. Most today probably don't. But at least they have someone to share the walk along the path of life with, even if only for a while. At least they get to try. At least they have THAT chance ....

Why can't I?
 
I ran into an old friend yesterday who told me she got married a couple of years ago. It didn't feel great at first. She's my age, and has everything she ever wanted. I felt jealous and bitter. I never want to get married again anyway, but finding a woman who I could spend the rest of my life with is something I do want.

I realized how selfish I was being though, and was happy for her. I don't think it's too late for me, or you either, Cucuboth. Put yourself out there, try and meet as many people as you can. Try new things. Live your life to the fullest, and then go beyond that. Don't let the sadness and jealously consume you, you're better than that. Don't give up.
 
Well since you ask flat out "Why Can't I"

In my opinion only....and I am no authority because I'm alone too. But what I noticed in what you wrote, was a Envious and selfish attitude. Not to insult you at all, but just to point out what I noticed there. I do want to help you , since you asked .... you know.

You seem to think chances are just dropped in people laps, THEY DON"T... So let me just point out what I see in what you wrote.

You said you see your self in the mirror as NOTHING but a Victim ??? And
"Why do they get the chance ?"

I think if you change your attitude, and see things more realistically. Ask the questions from a different perspective.

Try changing that to ""What did they do to have that chance? "" Maybe that other person loved them because they actually showed love to them first ?

If you just stand and look in the mirror feeling sorry for yourself, do you really think a sane woman is going to run into your arms ? They look for and want confident MEN, that can take care for them.

So ask yourself this... " What do you or have you ever offered a women something attractive to them ?
I mean realistically re-read what you wrote, and honestly ask yourself if you are Husband Material !!

That second paragraph dude say's only one thing... Childish selfishness. So let me re-write it for you with a different perspective. And maybe change how you see yourself and others. OK ?

________________________________________________________
""It brings up the feelings of, "When will it be my turn?". And, "What's so wrong about me ....?"."" Change to......

{What do they do that I haven't ? When will I learn to ignore my feelings, and show some courage ?}

Why do they get a chance? Why do they get to find someone who cares about them that much? Why do they get the chance to love .. and be loved .. like that? Change to.....

{ How do they make their chances happen ? Why don't I show someone how much I care about them ? How do I show someone REAL love so I can be loved ?

""I look in the mirror, and see a guy who hasn't really, honestly, been loved. Who has had his love rejected, walked over, kicked around, used, abused, laughed at, and ignored."" Change to....

{ I know I am tough enough to stand up, I have survived though allot of abuse. But enough is enough !! I am not that little bullied kid anymore !! I am going to learn how to EXPRESS love without demanding it !! I am going to show others what I have to offer, instead of only expecting them to supply MY needs !! }

I see a 37 year old virgin, who hasn't had his first kiss, or held hands, or even cuddled or hugged. I haven't been close enough to do those things, and there's nobody to just 'do them' with. "" Change to

{How long am I going to sit here and just EXPECT others to take care of me, I'm 37 years old !! I have to examine myself, and discover what women are attracted to... What I have to change about myself, to make me appealing to them !! And I am going to start by stop feeling sorry for myself, by sitting here rotting away looking in a mirror !!

It's obviously it's me that isn't doing something right, so what do I need to change about me, and how do I do it ? }}

So try thinking about it that way instead... Because if a 35 years old woman, that has a job, probably been married or abused in past relationships, and maybe even kids she got left with to care for on her own,...And has been through the same if not more abuse than you while she was growing up. What would say if she read what you wrote ??

She want's a man, not a child still living on the playground in his mind reliving every little bad thing that happened to him. But refuses to take any responsibilities for himself let alone another .. And don't you know that women your age have been treated like crap by men all their lives ? Try and show some empathy... They are hurt too, and they know what to look out for.

They watch behavior, Love is not just a emotion it's actions. Don't just tell them you love them, you have to show it !!

Just my opinion... make any sense to you ??[/i]
 
Everyone is different. When you say they have that chance, why can't I... To me, that's on a line of comparing yourself to others. Don't compare yourself to anyone. They have that because that's them. Chances arise differently for everyone. It's not a cookie-cutter process.
 
I'm never getting married, because I have to get a date first.

And let me just say that I'm almost 31, and in the same position. I feel like an 18 year old, mature-wise, so I don't think it's just you. I think Alienated's advice is wrong, because this kind of thing does tend to make you immature.

How can a mature 30ish year old relate to his peers, when they've all had sex, relationships, and marriages, and he hasn't? That's what kind of gets me. Even my therapist said it's hard to relate to others in my position. She gets paid to hear me complain about it, but I do all the bitching I want to on here as well, even if some people don't appreciate it.

It's not so much that women don't like virgins, or that it will never happen. But when you get older, you don't have the opportunities you had when you were younger. Job opportunities, dating opportunities, etc. It gets much worse after you're 40, because people expect you to be settled down and raising kids, not out there partying...and if you do, you get called names that you wouldn't believe.

It's ageist to think that a 31, or 37, year old can't be out there having fun, and doing all the things they missed out on when they were younger. But even if you find a group of 20 somethings to hang out with, your peers (the 37 year olds) will be calling you names, because they'll think you're immature. You're only as old as you feel, and THAT'S what you should run with!
 
MARRIAGE, n. An arrangement between a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making, in all, two.

- paraphrased from Ambrose Bierce's definition, which cannot be superseded​
 
Cucuboth said:
How do you feel when you find out that someone you used to know is getting married?

In this case, we weren't friends of course. The total opposite actually. He was one of the worst bullies I ever encountered, and had to endure for 9 years. And ever since, when I've run in to him, he's never changed. But, that aside, I get the feeling that I know I should be happy for them, or at the very least, I shouldn't care. What's it to me?

It brings up the feelings of, "When will it be my turn?". And, "What's so wrong about me ....?". Why do they get a chance? Why do they get to find someone who cares about them that much? Why do they get the chance to love .. and be loved .. like that? I look in the mirror, and see a guy who hasn't really, honestly, been loved. Who has had his love rejected, walked over, kicked around, used, abused, laughed at, and ignored. I see a 37 year old virgin, who hasn't had his first kiss, or held hands, or even cuddled or hugged. I haven't been close enough to do those things, and there's nobody to just 'do them' with.

They look so happy in the photos. All smiles and laughter. And yeah, I know not all marriages work out. Most today probably don't. But at least they have someone to share the walk along the path of life with, even if only for a while. At least they get to try. At least they have THAT chance ....

Why can't I?

alot of it is plain luck, being in the right place at the right time !
 

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