K
KayaBlue
Guest
...or at least, type it out where someone might see it, it will be freed and no longer with me.
Like most, I suppose, Googling "i'm so lonely" landed me here. It's been interesting reading everyone's posts -- thank you for sharing them.
I am really lonely. I noticed that often in posts, people will make suggestions on how to ease depression, and often the two do go hand-in-hand. But just because you're lonely, it doesn't necessarily mean you're depressed. Years ago, I suffered from depression. I think the loneliness is worse.
I am son-to-be 40 years old and have never been married, and don't have any children. I have a good job, make a decent salary and have a brother that means the world to me. I have been lucky enough to have the same group of wonderful friends for nearly 20 years. And for all those things I am grateful and blessed.
But I am also profoundly lonely.
Many of my friends have gotten married, and a few have had kids. They only have time to get together about once every three months or so. It's nice to see them, despite the infrequency.
My friends who are still single have lots of activities they're involved in -- activities which, for a variety of reasons, I can not participate in, so I don't get to see them on a regular basis either. When I try suggest regular activities for us, like joining a bowling league, or friday night movies, etc., they don't want to commit because they already have so many regular commitments -- things they really love and aren't willing to give up for one of the things I suggest. I miss spending lots of time with them. And I admit, it hurts.
My brother lives only a few blocks from me. But he works in a restaurant, so he works most evenings and every weekend night. I have a day job, so I don't get to spend much time with him either.
People have their own lives, and I understand and appreciate that. They have their own priorities.
But the one thing I want, more than anything, is to be *someone's* priority. And who, in turn, can be my priority as well.
I have tried to expand my set of friends, by just getting out and doing the things i enjoy. I have joined weekly poker games, and tennis leagues, and art societies, and done volunteer work. I have met many nice people, and I'll get together with one or two of them occasionally.
But they all have their own lives too.
What I realize is that I no longer have a "best friend." That person that you share thoughts with, and do lots of stuff with, and talk about everything and nothing with. I think the older you get, the harder it is to make, or have, those kinds of friends.
It's been over 10 years since I've had a real boyfriend. Yes, I'm attractive, and yes, I'm fun to be around, and I'm intelligent and love to laugh. On more than one occasion, my guy friends have referred to me as "the coolest girl they know." Several of my exes have told me I was the best girlfriend they ever had. But somehow they still left me for someone else.
If one more person asks me why I'm still single.... How am I supposed to even answer that question? I've tried every online dating service there is. I'm not materialistic, I don't care what kind of car they drive or how much money they make. I'm not looking for a perfect 10. I don't know why I haven't found someone.
I've tried embracing my single-self. I've gone to movies by myself and eating out by myself. I took scuba lessons on my own and swing dance classes. I went camping and hiking by myself, and I even went to Hawaii for 3 months on my own. I saw the most amazing fish, and the most amazing sunsets.
And in the midst of their beauty I ached because I had no one to share them with.
And after doing everything they say to do, and trying everything I can think of to try, I still find myself alone.
And there are people out there who say, "Well deep-down, you must not really love yourself" or "You must not truly believe you deserve to be loved," but that is so not true. I know I am a good person. And it just makes me angry and frustrated, because I know I deserve to be happy and I deserve to have someone love me, and yet, I am still alone, and I just don't understand why.
And now, after all these years of being optimistic, and thinking positively and knowing that someday I would find the right person, I have lost all my hope.
I come home everyday to an empty house. I have no one to ask me how my day was. Or to tell about that funny thing I saw on the Internet. Or hold my hand as we go for an after dinner walk.
I so desperately miss the feel of someone else's skin against mine. I miss having a hug, and the feel of their fingers in my hair. And I can't remember the last time I had those things.
The loneliness is starting to consume me. I find myself crying in the car on my way home, because I know the only thing waiting for me is emptiness. I have to have the TV on, because at least it keeps me numb.
I've lost my hope. And I'm losing the person I was. The people in my family are very long lived, and all I can think is, "Is this it? Is this what my life will be for the next 60 years?" I don't know that I can take it. What is the point of a life lived alone? A life without love?
People always say, "Don't worry, it will get better. You'll find someone." But they don't know that. And after 25 years of dating, I have evidence to indicate that.
What I want more than anything is someone to share my life with. To have a mate, a partner. To be part of a team.
The loneliness is becoming unbearable.
I know this was a very long post. And to anyone who reads it in its entirety -- thank you. I appreciate your time. And I appreciate having a place to say all this. One of the sad by-products of being alone is not having anyone to say, "I'm lonely" to, and it's nice that this board is here.
I wish you all the best,
KB
Like most, I suppose, Googling "i'm so lonely" landed me here. It's been interesting reading everyone's posts -- thank you for sharing them.
I am really lonely. I noticed that often in posts, people will make suggestions on how to ease depression, and often the two do go hand-in-hand. But just because you're lonely, it doesn't necessarily mean you're depressed. Years ago, I suffered from depression. I think the loneliness is worse.
I am son-to-be 40 years old and have never been married, and don't have any children. I have a good job, make a decent salary and have a brother that means the world to me. I have been lucky enough to have the same group of wonderful friends for nearly 20 years. And for all those things I am grateful and blessed.
But I am also profoundly lonely.
Many of my friends have gotten married, and a few have had kids. They only have time to get together about once every three months or so. It's nice to see them, despite the infrequency.
My friends who are still single have lots of activities they're involved in -- activities which, for a variety of reasons, I can not participate in, so I don't get to see them on a regular basis either. When I try suggest regular activities for us, like joining a bowling league, or friday night movies, etc., they don't want to commit because they already have so many regular commitments -- things they really love and aren't willing to give up for one of the things I suggest. I miss spending lots of time with them. And I admit, it hurts.
My brother lives only a few blocks from me. But he works in a restaurant, so he works most evenings and every weekend night. I have a day job, so I don't get to spend much time with him either.
People have their own lives, and I understand and appreciate that. They have their own priorities.
But the one thing I want, more than anything, is to be *someone's* priority. And who, in turn, can be my priority as well.
I have tried to expand my set of friends, by just getting out and doing the things i enjoy. I have joined weekly poker games, and tennis leagues, and art societies, and done volunteer work. I have met many nice people, and I'll get together with one or two of them occasionally.
But they all have their own lives too.
What I realize is that I no longer have a "best friend." That person that you share thoughts with, and do lots of stuff with, and talk about everything and nothing with. I think the older you get, the harder it is to make, or have, those kinds of friends.
It's been over 10 years since I've had a real boyfriend. Yes, I'm attractive, and yes, I'm fun to be around, and I'm intelligent and love to laugh. On more than one occasion, my guy friends have referred to me as "the coolest girl they know." Several of my exes have told me I was the best girlfriend they ever had. But somehow they still left me for someone else.
If one more person asks me why I'm still single.... How am I supposed to even answer that question? I've tried every online dating service there is. I'm not materialistic, I don't care what kind of car they drive or how much money they make. I'm not looking for a perfect 10. I don't know why I haven't found someone.
I've tried embracing my single-self. I've gone to movies by myself and eating out by myself. I took scuba lessons on my own and swing dance classes. I went camping and hiking by myself, and I even went to Hawaii for 3 months on my own. I saw the most amazing fish, and the most amazing sunsets.
And in the midst of their beauty I ached because I had no one to share them with.
And after doing everything they say to do, and trying everything I can think of to try, I still find myself alone.
And there are people out there who say, "Well deep-down, you must not really love yourself" or "You must not truly believe you deserve to be loved," but that is so not true. I know I am a good person. And it just makes me angry and frustrated, because I know I deserve to be happy and I deserve to have someone love me, and yet, I am still alone, and I just don't understand why.
And now, after all these years of being optimistic, and thinking positively and knowing that someday I would find the right person, I have lost all my hope.
I come home everyday to an empty house. I have no one to ask me how my day was. Or to tell about that funny thing I saw on the Internet. Or hold my hand as we go for an after dinner walk.
I so desperately miss the feel of someone else's skin against mine. I miss having a hug, and the feel of their fingers in my hair. And I can't remember the last time I had those things.
The loneliness is starting to consume me. I find myself crying in the car on my way home, because I know the only thing waiting for me is emptiness. I have to have the TV on, because at least it keeps me numb.
I've lost my hope. And I'm losing the person I was. The people in my family are very long lived, and all I can think is, "Is this it? Is this what my life will be for the next 60 years?" I don't know that I can take it. What is the point of a life lived alone? A life without love?
People always say, "Don't worry, it will get better. You'll find someone." But they don't know that. And after 25 years of dating, I have evidence to indicate that.
What I want more than anything is someone to share my life with. To have a mate, a partner. To be part of a team.
The loneliness is becoming unbearable.
I know this was a very long post. And to anyone who reads it in its entirety -- thank you. I appreciate your time. And I appreciate having a place to say all this. One of the sad by-products of being alone is not having anyone to say, "I'm lonely" to, and it's nice that this board is here.
I wish you all the best,
KB