Perhaps if I say it out loud...

...or at least, type it out where someone might see it, it will be freed and no longer with me.

Like most, I suppose, Googling "i'm so lonely" landed me here. It's been interesting reading everyone's posts -- thank you for sharing them.

I am really lonely. I noticed that often in posts, people will make suggestions on how to ease depression, and often the two do go hand-in-hand. But just because you're lonely, it doesn't necessarily mean you're depressed. Years ago, I suffered from depression. I think the loneliness is worse.

I am son-to-be 40 years old and have never been married, and don't have any children. I have a good job, make a decent salary and have a brother that means the world to me. I have been lucky enough to have the same group of wonderful friends for nearly 20 years. And for all those things I am grateful and blessed.

But I am also profoundly lonely.

Many of my friends have gotten married, and a few have had kids. They only have time to get together about once every three months or so. It's nice to see them, despite the infrequency.

My friends who are still single have lots of activities they're involved in -- activities which, for a variety of reasons, I can not participate in, so I don't get to see them on a regular basis either. When I try suggest regular activities for us, like joining a bowling league, or friday night movies, etc., they don't want to commit because they already have so many regular commitments -- things they really love and aren't willing to give up for one of the things I suggest. I miss spending lots of time with them. And I admit, it hurts.

My brother lives only a few blocks from me. But he works in a restaurant, so he works most evenings and every weekend night. I have a day job, so I don't get to spend much time with him either.

People have their own lives, and I understand and appreciate that. They have their own priorities.

But the one thing I want, more than anything, is to be *someone's* priority. And who, in turn, can be my priority as well.

I have tried to expand my set of friends, by just getting out and doing the things i enjoy. I have joined weekly poker games, and tennis leagues, and art societies, and done volunteer work. I have met many nice people, and I'll get together with one or two of them occasionally.

But they all have their own lives too.

What I realize is that I no longer have a "best friend." That person that you share thoughts with, and do lots of stuff with, and talk about everything and nothing with. I think the older you get, the harder it is to make, or have, those kinds of friends.

It's been over 10 years since I've had a real boyfriend. Yes, I'm attractive, and yes, I'm fun to be around, and I'm intelligent and love to laugh. On more than one occasion, my guy friends have referred to me as "the coolest girl they know." Several of my exes have told me I was the best girlfriend they ever had. But somehow they still left me for someone else.

If one more person asks me why I'm still single.... How am I supposed to even answer that question? I've tried every online dating service there is. I'm not materialistic, I don't care what kind of car they drive or how much money they make. I'm not looking for a perfect 10. I don't know why I haven't found someone.

I've tried embracing my single-self. I've gone to movies by myself and eating out by myself. I took scuba lessons on my own and swing dance classes. I went camping and hiking by myself, and I even went to Hawaii for 3 months on my own. I saw the most amazing fish, and the most amazing sunsets.

And in the midst of their beauty I ached because I had no one to share them with.

And after doing everything they say to do, and trying everything I can think of to try, I still find myself alone.

And there are people out there who say, "Well deep-down, you must not really love yourself" or "You must not truly believe you deserve to be loved," but that is so not true. I know I am a good person. And it just makes me angry and frustrated, because I know I deserve to be happy and I deserve to have someone love me, and yet, I am still alone, and I just don't understand why.

And now, after all these years of being optimistic, and thinking positively and knowing that someday I would find the right person, I have lost all my hope.

I come home everyday to an empty house. I have no one to ask me how my day was. Or to tell about that funny thing I saw on the Internet. Or hold my hand as we go for an after dinner walk.

I so desperately miss the feel of someone else's skin against mine. I miss having a hug, and the feel of their fingers in my hair. And I can't remember the last time I had those things.

The loneliness is starting to consume me. I find myself crying in the car on my way home, because I know the only thing waiting for me is emptiness. I have to have the TV on, because at least it keeps me numb.

I've lost my hope. And I'm losing the person I was. The people in my family are very long lived, and all I can think is, "Is this it? Is this what my life will be for the next 60 years?" I don't know that I can take it. What is the point of a life lived alone? A life without love?

People always say, "Don't worry, it will get better. You'll find someone." But they don't know that. And after 25 years of dating, I have evidence to indicate that.

What I want more than anything is someone to share my life with. To have a mate, a partner. To be part of a team.

The loneliness is becoming unbearable.


I know this was a very long post. And to anyone who reads it in its entirety -- thank you. I appreciate your time. And I appreciate having a place to say all this. One of the sad by-products of being alone is not having anyone to say, "I'm lonely" to, and it's nice that this board is here.

I wish you all the best,
KB

say it out loud we hear u.... tigh hug

that was one of the most interesting post i've read in a very long while. thank you for sharing and you honestly honestly seem really kool..
i would love to get to know you more.

i'm a female though and i'm young 20... and i know your lonliness is one that needs a mate so i guess chatting or emailing to me might not help.

Im not trying to give you advice .. you said already that you have tried all the things they say to do and nothing worked yet... and you are at the point where that is depressing, having nothing work and being lonely...so all i'm trying to tell you is that you are heard...


even thought this might not be able to give you hope, try to keep it in mind that that sometimes life brings you surprises so dont feel completely hopeless...

and most of all dont feel too alone.. it is lonely coming home to noone.. it really is...
but maybe you can view it as some sort of ...something more about yourself to embrass and discover

i dont have any of the answers ..far from it...
but do let me know how you are doing.. if only through this thread

it would be good to know.. how your week was .. you know.
okay well like i said.. you were heard, and even understood somewhat..lol
good luck this weekend...and know that depressions dont last forever... they really dont.

KayaBlue said:

But the one thing I want, more than anything, is to be *someone's* priority. And who, in turn, can be my priority as well.

...

It's been over 10 years since I've had a real boyfriend.

Click to expand...

That is puzzling. You sound like an active, social type person who does quite well at putting yourself around people. It doesn't sound like you have impossible standards, so i don't know what is going on there.

KayaBlue said:

And now, after all these years of being optimistic, and thinking positively and knowing that someday I would find the right person, I have lost all my hope.

Click to expand...

I could understand that feeling.

While having hope probably makes life a little brighter the odds are that when the 'right person' comes into your life, you aren't even going to be looking for someone. It will just happen.

KayaBlue said:

On more than one occasion, my guy friends have referred to me as "the coolest girl they know." Several of my exes have told me I was the best girlfriend they ever had. But somehow they still left me for someone else.

Click to expand...

u threaten them. many men cant handle cirtain type of women...who they think are better than them. they want dumbies

I just wanted to say thank you for the replies.

Putting it all out there did help a bit, so again I appreciate this board being there so I could do that. And the hug from the other Guest helped too. It's amazing what a hug can do, even if it is a virtual one.

Jales, thank you for your kind words and understanding. The rest of my week, was... a bit odd, I guess. I had made that post late on Tuesday night, I believe. Wednesday night was one of my friend's birthdays, so a few of us had gone out to dinner. Afterwards, while we were waiting for our cars, I kind of blurted out to two of them that I'd been feeling pretty alone. I felt bad for saying it. I could tell they cared, but just weren't really sure what to do with that piece of information. I don't even know what to do with it, so I felt bad for laying it on them.

One of them has invited me to several things since then, and that's just so sweet of her. But somehow also makes me feel like a charity case. I don't want someone to be with me because they feel guilty or bad for me. I want them to be with me because that's where they'd really like to be. But no matter -- she's a good friend and I love her company, so I will gladly accept her offers. She's trying to help the only way she knows how, and I greatly appreciate that.

I called in sick to work for the rest of the week. And spent most of the weekend lying on the couch watching movies. The weather was beautiful and I really wanted to go do something outside, but just didn't have the strength to go out by myself like I usually do. Even the thought of seeing people out together was just too much for me.

But I am feeling a little bit better now. Thank you for asking. And listening.

Minus, I have dated quite a bit over the last 10 years. Just nothing very serious -- usually just a few dates, or maybe 3 months at the most. One or two I really fell for, but they didn't work out. People have told me that when you quit looking is when you find someone. I have definitely quit looking, so who knows. I have taken some very big risks for love in the past. I'm starting to worry now though. If someone does come along, I don't know if I still have the strength to put myself out there, yet again. Of course if I don't, then this really will be what the rest of my life is like. I think that's why the hopelessness is so troubling to me. Without hope, you don't have the will to put yourself out there anymore, or take another chance. If the time comes, perhaps I will find some.

Incognita, I wish I didn't agree with you, but sadly, that does seem to be the case very often. My high school boyfriend, whom I was with for 2 years (still my longest relationship), left me for this complete basket case girl. He said it was because she needed him, and that it felt good to be needed. I guess he didn't think I needed him, even though I did. They are still married, and have a young son, so I guess it was a good decision on his part.

And maybe that is something I do -- or don't do. Maybe I don't let my boyfriends know that I need them enough. My mother was devastated after she and my father divorced, and I know I never wanted to be that dependent on someone else that my entire life would be shattered if they left. But even if I don't necessarily seem like I *need* them, I always let them know that I *want* them. I would rather be wanted than needed, but maybe men aren't the same way.

It definitely gets harder as you get older too. Most men my age or either married or completely dull (or both). The ones that are single and enjoy doing things all seem to want to date the 20 year olds. Every guy friend I have is either married to or dating someone at least 10 years younger than they are. Although most of the men who've asked me out over the last 5 years have been quite a bit younger than myself as well.

Anyway. Thank you all again. I do appreciate it.

Best,
KB

Hi Kaya,

Your story is touching and interesting. I can imagine what you are going through in this rough tide. I like to cheer you up by saying something quick.

Always believe and never look back,
The way of success is paved by failure
A failure is not a quitter,
Winners never quit,
Never give up, because hope dies last.

I've always lived by this cheesy motto that I made it up for myself. It really helps sometimes and I hope this will give you a bit of strength boost, take care.

-Anonymous

how are things going?

hi peeps well firstly i think i now have come to a conclusion i have a problem!

at junior school i had only a couple of freinds and prefered one 2 one freindships more so than group freindships.
and it has been like that throughout my whole life. now 28.

and like so many people on here i never get invited out!

i have one freind who has kids and is always too busy to go out an do something so maybe we see each other once a month and go out and do something maybe once a year.

my job means i meet different people all of the time . i try to be social but i never seem to get positive reactions from any1. i hear about other people at work going to each other b,b,q,s parties etc. and talking about the great times theyve had after the weekend.

theres been a few peoples stag nights 40ths 50ths 60ths, weddings, wedding receptions, wetting the babies head parties, and some just plain and simple get togethers.

and ive been invited to you guessed it none of them.

the few times i have ended up in a group out drinking/socialising the conversation always ends up in the direction of what a great time they had when they went on a group holiday or simlar.
so again makes me feel left out and no part of the conversation what so ever.

no1 ever calls me. apart from my 1 freind and again might be once a month.

im so lonely.
i have a g/f of 7 years now she has no probs at all getting on with people, even her freinds seem to distance them selves from me, i just wish i knew why.
i try to be as freindly as i can but i must give out bad vibes as a person.

she always gets invited to do activities by her mates and work freinds.
im quite jelous really.

looking on the bright side i have been engaging in small talk conversation with a woman around the same age as me, who works at the local supermarket,
it started out with smiles and hello,s and week by week we have seemed to got to know each other a little.
she lives about 2 roads away from me.

she is a single mother and spends most of her time working or bringing up her children, she mentioned that it would be great if we could get together and have coffee sometime as we live a stones throw away, we get on well and also she,s desperately in need of some adult conversation from time to time.

this is what ive been looking for! a freind maybe!

but since she,s mentioned the coffee its been 2 months since ive been to the supermarket on the days she works!
what the hell is wrong with me!
she is working today i really wanu go and say hi and find out what she,s been upto, but something inside is stopping me! what the hell am i scared of!

here i am stressing on a site that cater,s for lonely people and i have a social situation just there waiting for me!
this could be my big break into the world of socialness!

but as an all time loser i,l probly end up being alone again this evening.

Hallo mate and welcome here Firstly your not a loser. Your just a guy that's struggling to figure out how ppl think and why they don't seam to wont to know you. Let me tell ye, you well never figure out how ppl think. The only thing you can do is be relaxed and be yourself.

And we cater for anyone that wants to post here BTW. Not just lonely. I would say your reason for being here is as good and as valid as any of us here.

What about ye girlfriends boyfriends? Could you not try and get mates with them? I would say that most guys need there space from there girls just as girls need there space from us guys.

Well is this girl that's asked you for a "coffee" *wink wink* Know what I mean lol Well is she just after friendship or has there been some flirting. This is very sceptically of me I know.

Well she dose sound like she could do with the company as well. I have a cousin that gets very lonely bringing up 4 kids by her self. She has even told me that she needs more then ger ger talk. In other words she would like adult conversation not just baby talk. What is stopping you man? Go and give this girl and your self some company.

I would say the only way to get on with ppl is what your doing. its hard sometimes as ppl have there own groups they hang with and always have and there not looking for anyone else. So if you have not had this it can be hard to get to be apart of a group. have you told your GF how your feeling? I mean I would say she is well placed to try and help you.

If you make your self a member you can post in the rest of the Bord and us moderators don't have to approve every Post that's made in here there for there is moor chance of getting replies and faster But of course that's up to you and absolutely no sweet if you don't wont to.

ive read like half way through thinking you were a guy
until u said that 'ive never had a boyfriend'
and i was like WHAT ure a girl.. LOL