Felt I had to lie

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onmyown1979

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Before I write just wanted to say I appreciate these forums because most of the things I write on here I'll never be able to say to my family or friends. On to it then...A few days ago I'm at home talking with my mom after I got off of work. We were basically talking about how her family always communicated when she was a kid about whatever and it was always open. So I was about to take a shower when she said "I want to ask you a personal question, sit down". I asked her what it was and again she asked me to sit down so I did. I already knew it was coming. "Are you a virgin?" Yikes! I couldn't answer right away and she saw the look on my face. It crossed my mind to just be truthful but before I could answer she said in a kind of exacerbated tone of voice "You're almost 34 and it never happened?" Given her tone and the situation I felt I had to lie. I told her I had. So she starts grilling me on how old I was, what was her name, what race was she even, did it mean anything to me. At that point I asked her why bring it up and she said she was always curious. I just said ok and went about my business but it got me down because it reminded me of my situation and that family members much younger than me are having sex and also kids. it's gotten to a point where I'm starting to withdraw from big family events because the question always comes from somebody "When are you going to get a girlfriend?" "You're not getting any younger, when are you starting a family?" It's extremely frustrating when I do try to find someone to be with it always backfires. I feel bad for lying but I knew how the conversation was going to turn out. I do think my mom knows I lied to her because she knows me, but the good thing is that I didn't have to explain why I was a virgin. This sucks.
 
onmyown1979 said:
Before I write just wanted to say I appreciate these forums because most of the things I write on here I'll never be able to say to my family or friends. On to it then...A few days ago I'm at home talking with my mom after I got off of work. We were basically talking about how her family always communicated when she was a kid about whatever and it was always open. So I was about to take a shower when she said "I want to ask you a personal question, sit down". I asked her what it was and again she asked me to sit down so I did. I already knew it was coming. "Are you a virgin?" Yikes! I couldn't answer right away and she saw the look on my face. It crossed my mind to just be truthful but before I could answer she said in a kind of exacerbated tone of voice "You're almost 34 and it never happened?" Given her tone and the situation I felt I had to lie. I told her I had. So she starts grilling me on how old I was, what was her name, what race was she even, did it mean anything to me. At that point I asked her why bring it up and she said she was always curious. I just said ok and went about my business but it got me down because it reminded me of my situation and that family members much younger than me are having sex and also kids. it's gotten to a point where I'm starting to withdraw from big family events because the question always comes from somebody "When are you going to get a girlfriend?" "You're not getting any younger, when are you starting a family?" It's extremely frustrating when I do try to find someone to be with it always backfires. I feel bad for lying but I knew how the conversation was going to turn out. I do think my mom knows I lied to her because she knows me, but the good thing is that I didn't have to explain why I was a virgin. This sucks.

it's an horrible question to get asked because you can't exactly always tell the truth !
 
It doesn't matter what people think or don't think of you when it comes to this subject, as long as you don't bother being a virgin, if you are fine with that everyone else's opinion, even family's just doesn't matter. People always try really hard to bring us closer to what they consider to be the standarized "social" rules, as if man was born to be able to lead only one pre-determined life.
 
It's a judgment call, choosing to tell a lie in order to manage a tricky situation. I don't blame you at all.

Being a 33 year old virgin is another issue. With respect, I'm sympathizing with you....I've been single and celibate for 25 years or so and hence, that's just another reason for feeling isolated.....other people are having something I'm not.

What you're living with can't be easy. It takes a degree of toughness to live with something that isn't easy.
 
OP,

If you don't mind me asking.... Why are you a virgin? Is it a personal choice? Haven't had luck? Or what?

I don't mean to sound rude or offensive, but your last sentence "the good thing is that I didn't have to explain why I was a virgin" has me curious.


You don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable. I'm just throwing it out there.

By the way I completely sympathize with you. I know how it is with family pressure. My mom is constantly asking me "When are you getting married?" ..it's annoying.
 
@ Wadoki, my only answer is when I was growing up I was sort of an ugly duckling. I was very overweight, had thick glasses, poor posture and was shy. That lead to me being kind of socially withdrawn and that stuck into adulthood. In highschool and college no girls paid me the time of day and that lead to a severe lack of confidence. I wasn't trying to go for supermodel type girls and still no luck. Because of that I didn't have enough courage to ask any girls out for a long period of time. I'm not overweight anymore and exercise three to four times a week, my confidence is 'better' but still not where I want it to be. I get asked out more than ever by women but they're not marriage material to say the least and the women that I'm interested in always friendzone me. I don't really know what to do at this point. The years ticked by very fast and here I am. I feel cursed sometimes because my luck has been unbelievingly bad. All the circumstances seemed to form just right for this to happen.
 
Your mum sounds pretty intrusive. Your virginity (or lack of) is none of her business whatsoever. While I understand her hoping yo will meet someone nice and settle down and have a family, she needn't have been so blunt. She could just have asked if you had met someone.
Like you, I have had bad luck with relationships-have been friendzoned more times than I can count by men I like, and the few men who have liked me a lot have been unsuitable.
You are fortunate being male as at least you can become a father for a lot longer than we can become pregnant for, so at least you don't have to worry about your biological clock.
 
Tiina63 said:
Your mum sounds pretty intrusive. Your virginity (or lack of) is none of her business whatsoever.

Seriously. I'd understand if you were in your teens, because parents are afraid their kid is going to have sex at that point. My mom and I have great communication and we can talk about whatever... but if she was to start trying to get details about how sexually active (or not) I am, I'd be pretty irritated.
 
What a weird thing for your mother to ask.

You should have asked whether any of her friends were available, maybe that would stop her prying again.
 
Playing devil's advocate but I'd be worried if I was a parent and I had a son who never had sex at significant age. It signifies social issues with the child and an inability to have a relationship. I'm not being critical I also have social issues with relationships too. I think a lot of people in this forum do, which is why a lot of us are here. It doesn't help that these days kids are losing their virginity at younger and younger ages and being an older virgin will hamper the ability to have a future relationship. It can definitely be an issue that would stop a relationship which is why in that other thread I said you should definitely lie about it. There are also people who breakup with people because they aren't being pleased in the bedroom. A lot more men/women are willing to accept that a 20 year old has no idea what they're doing in the bed than a 25+ year old. You can say that those people aren't worth knowing and all that but in the end, your possible dating pool just significantly shrunk.

More practically if I wanted grandchildren and I had a older son who I thought never even had sex I'd definitely be concerned.
 
onmyown1979 said:
Before I write just wanted to say I appreciate these forums because most of the things I write on here I'll never be able to say to my family or friends. On to it then...A few days ago I'm at home talking with my mom after I got off of work. We were basically talking about how her family always communicated when she was a kid about whatever and it was always open. So I was about to take a shower when she said "I want to ask you a personal question, sit down". I asked her what it was and again she asked me to sit down so I did. I already knew it was coming. "Are you a virgin?" Yikes! I couldn't answer right away and she saw the look on my face. It crossed my mind to just be truthful but before I could answer she said in a kind of exacerbated tone of voice "You're almost 34 and it never happened?" Given her tone and the situation I felt I had to lie. I told her I had. So she starts grilling me on how old I was, what was her name, what race was she even, did it mean anything to me. At that point I asked her why bring it up and she said she was always curious. I just said ok and went about my business but it got me down because it reminded me of my situation and that family members much younger than me are having sex and also kids. it's gotten to a point where I'm starting to withdraw from big family events because the question always comes from somebody "When are you going to get a girlfriend?" "You're not getting any younger, when are you starting a family?" It's extremely frustrating when I do try to find someone to be with it always backfires. I feel bad for lying but I knew how the conversation was going to turn out. I do think my mom knows I lied to her because she knows me, but the good thing is that I didn't have to explain why I was a virgin. This sucks.

I wish I was a virgin, I promise you. You're lucky you haven't felt used, betrayed, cut, alone, low, disgusted, revolted, degraded (obviously I regret losing mine). The woman you meet will love you more for being one (if she is right in the head). Man I wish I was!
 
lostatsea said:
You can say that those people aren't worth knowing and all that but in the end, your possible dating pool just significantly shrunk.

Heaven forbid we shrink down the dating pool so we can actually be with somebody worth knowing.
 
nerdygirl said:
lostatsea said:
You can say that those people aren't worth knowing and all that but in the end, your possible dating pool just significantly shrunk.

Heaven forbid we shrink down the dating pool so we can actually be with somebody worth knowing.

Well I know some people would say it, but I wouldn't agree with them. I'd question and an alarm would go off if somebody admitted they were an older virgin and the reason wasn't that they were devout. It really will strike you out with a lot of people before you even took a swing, and it's not because they're bad people. It's a legitimate question and concern.
 
lostatsea said:
nerdygirl said:
lostatsea said:
You can say that those people aren't worth knowing and all that but in the end, your possible dating pool just significantly shrunk.

Heaven forbid we shrink down the dating pool so we can actually be with somebody worth knowing.

Well I know some people would say it, but I wouldn't agree with them. I'd question and an alarm would go off if somebody admitted they were an older virgin and the reason wasn't that they were devout. It really will strike you out with a lot of people before you even took a swing, and it's not because they're bad people. It's a legitimate question and concern.

More than likely those concerns are nothing more than a superficial assessment based on how successful someone's been with the opposite sex. But I get why people feel they need to lie. Some people do actually want to wait for something meaningful, that doesn't necessarily mean religious.
 
wadokai said:
OP,

By the way I completely sympathize with you. I know how it is with family pressure. My mom is constantly asking me "When are you getting married?" ..it's annoying.

Agree with you on this! The whole thing on when you getting married, having a b/f or g/f having babies is annoying...

My family never asked me if I'm a virgin. They all pressure me on finding a man to make babies,lol.
 
lostatsea said:
Well I know some people would say it, but I wouldn't agree with them. I'd question and an alarm would go off if somebody admitted they were an older virgin and the reason wasn't that they were devout. It really will strike you out with a lot of people before you even took a swing, and it's not because they're bad people. It's a legitimate question and concern.
So the only legitimate reason to be an older virgin is because of being devoutly religious? Interesting. >_>
 
Moe said:
lostatsea said:
Well I know some people would say it, but I wouldn't agree with them. I'd question and an alarm would go off if somebody admitted they were an older virgin and the reason wasn't that they were devout. It really will strike you out with a lot of people before you even took a swing, and it's not because they're bad people. It's a legitimate question and concern.
So the only legitimate reason to be an older virgin is because of being devoutly religious? Interesting. >_>

It's the only explanation that I can legitimize in my head. People generally like sex. They want sex. They will try to get sex. It's an important part of a healthy intimate relationship and in many circumstances differentiates having an opposite sex best friend and a lover. The only exception I'm aware of is when people's ingrained beliefs do not allow them to have sex, such as premarital sex is a sin.

Even those who do believe it is a sin will make excuses and have as much non-sex sex as possible. Basically anything except vaginal penetration.

The disconnect is, that many older virgins want a relationship and sex but just haven't due to other issues, be it social, mental or otherwise. It's not just that they haven't had sex, they probably have had very little sexual contact period. Which also correlatees to the fact that they haven't had much personal experience with the other sex in general.

To put it another way. Devout people are able to obtain it, but are not allowed to do it. I think the majority of everyone else just hasn't been able to obtain it yet, due to their own issues.

But maybe I'm wrong. You guys have stated that there are other legitimate reasons. Can you list any that don't carry a stigma of the person having issues ... low self esteem, insecure, scared, social awkwardness, social anxiety, uncontrollable anger etc.? Again doesn't make the person any less worthy of a relationship and a great partner, but it will be a huge red flag in the search of one. If I made it simple and said would you rather have someone with one of those issues or an average person with no such issues which would you pick?
 
lostatsea said:
It's the only explanation that I can legitimize in my head. People generally like sex. They want sex. They will try to get sex. It's an important part of a healthy intimate relationship and in many circumstances differentiates having an opposite sex best friend and a lover. The only exception I'm aware of is when people's ingrained beliefs do not allow them to have sex, such as premarital sex is a sin.

Even those who do believe it is a sin will make excuses and have as much non-sex sex as possible. Basically anything except vaginal penetration.

The disconnect is, that many older virgins want a relationship and sex but just haven't due to other issues, be it social, mental or otherwise. It's not just that they haven't had sex, they probably have had very little sexual contact period. Which also correlatees to the fact that they haven't had much personal experience with the other sex in general.

To put it another way. Devout people are able to obtain it, but are not allowed to do it. I think the majority of everyone else just hasn't been able to obtain it yet, due to their own issues.

But maybe I'm wrong. You guys have stated that there are other legitimate reasons. Can you list any that don't carry a stigma of the person having issues ... low self esteem, insecure, scared, social awkwardness, social anxiety, uncontrollable anger etc.? Again doesn't make the person any less worthy of a relationship and a great partner, but it will be a huge red flag in the search of one. If I made it simple and said would you rather have someone with one of those issues or an average person with no such issues which would you pick?
Ideally, it would be the average person with none of the issues you described. Even though some people who are sexually inexperienced do have those issues,(but quite frankly, so do sexually active people) the idea of a person having to "legitimize" their sexual status just seems like a faulty premise.
 
Yeah I understand. Like I said I have my issues as well so I'm in that group. But I'm also aware of what people could and likely would be concerned with because I'd be concerned as well. I mean you are perfectly right. "but quite frankly, so do sexually active people" People who are aren't sexually inexperienced could have just as many issues. But the thing is, it won't be as evident so that they'll still at least get a fair chance with people. A chance someone who admits they are older and a virgin might not get.
 

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