Is this still a marriage?

We hardly speak, we had sex a week or so ago for the first time in months.

I had affairs. It's no excuse, I know, but I wanted some attention. Someone to like me and want me. My friends are all so...gone. I wonder if I'm wrong. If there's soE thing about me. I joined his forum a while ago but even my first post was met with an unkind response and it upset me

My spouse asked me if I wanted to be here and I said no. I felt like I was blackmailed into staying.

My head is a tangle and there's so much to say but I don't know how to split it up in a way to deal with it.

I havnt worn my wedding ring for months now. Maybe I'm stubborn, but it upsets me to see it clamped around my finger.

Everyone iv thought that things could be ok I'm quickly reminded that I'm very alone and very scared

I'm really in no position to comment on anything marriage related, but to me this doesn't sound like a salvageable situation.
I don't know exactly what your spouse's view is on matters, but even if it was very positive a marriage shouldn't be a one-sided thing.
So the short answer to the short version of the story is no, at least it isn't in my opinion. But it's impossible to give an all-encompassing answer when you only know a portion of the whole story.

It's amazing how reading this you can feel the unpleasantness you're probably feeling, though reading this I don't know weather your seeking advice or just venting.

Sorry to hear about it, though. As Sigma said it's difficult to form an accurate picture with the lack of info, but I can relate to difficulty placing information in understandable chunks when your mind's racing.

Anyway it really depends on what both of you want, I suppose communication (if possible) is the way to go... that is if you actually want to salvage something out of this. Personally if it's something that you know isn't salvageable, it's best for BOTH of you to cut your losses, I wouldn't try and hold onto something that isn't there, though it's one of those things that's easier said than done.

Just ask yourself a couple simple questions? Is the marriage worth saving? If it is then why is it worth saving? The ring on your finger makes the marriage a reality you take it off and can pretend just for a little while that its not real you look down and its gone out of sight out of mind. Though it maybe just a small ring light in weight it can feel like the biggest burden. If your married then yes its a marriage by law and from words on a piece of paper but sadly thats it. You in your heart alone know if its a marriage or not. No one here can give you that answer you have to ask yourself that question. You maybe afraid of the answer but you have been knowing it all along.

GearsOfWar93 said:

"The loneliest people are the nicest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged are the most wise. All because they do not wish for anyone else to suffer the way they do."

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Dear GearsOfWar93, this is off topic but I LOVE your signature saying, its beautiful just like you (I dont care that I havent seen you, your signature quote is truly beautiful and therefore you are beautiful in my eyes!).

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Nocebo said:

We hardly speak, we had sex a week or so ago for the first time in months.

I had affairs. It's no excuse, I know, but I wanted some attention. Someone to like me and want me. My friends are all so...gone. I wonder if I'm wrong. If there's soE thing about me. I joined his forum a while ago but even my first post was met with an unkind response and it upset me

My spouse asked me if I wanted to be here and I said no. I felt like I was blackmailed into staying.

My head is a tangle and there's so much to say but I don't know how to split it up in a way to deal with it.

I havnt worn my wedding ring for months now. Maybe I'm stubborn, but it upsets me to see it clamped around my finger.

Everyone iv thought that things could be ok I'm quickly reminded that I'm very alone and very scared

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Nocebo I dont know what to say other than no, it doesnt sound like a healthy marriage, it really does sound like a sad lonely situation though.

The only reason why I wouldnt call that a marriage is the following reasons: cheating, lying, feeling trapped, emotionally blackmailed, not openly wearing the symbol of marriage.

You can either stay and be in denial for the rest of your days or do something to change things for the better, either positively for your marriage or positively for yourself.

Only you can change the situation, only you.

As someone has told me... No one is above cheating.
You know what you are doing, and you don't want to... But feel the need to due to the lack of intimacy (of all forms) in your relationship.

Why do you feel trapped? What started this feeling?

What is the blackmail? Guilt tripping tends to be a well used form of blackmail...

How come you dislike the ring? The ring should symbolize love... Not symbolize the end of freedom.

____________________

It takes two to make it last. It sounds like there is no communication... Maybe arguments at most.. But not the proper non confrontational communication you need to have with your spouse.

Things you need to ask them...
"Do YOU want to stay?"
"What needs to change?"
"What can we do, to bring back that spark?"
"Is it worth it?"

Find out their feelings... Tell them yours. Without knowing (or letting them know) what goes on in each other's minds, you cannot even bother attempting to find a solution. Nobody can read your mind... And you cannot read theirs.

If he's abusive or utterly neglects you emotionally I could empathise with this more, but you're right, there's no excuse for cheating.

You say you desired attention yet consider yourself "blackmailed" into staying. In other words attention, but maybe not from your husband.

Sounds like you've decided to give in to this despairing mindset as a pretext for leaving. Even if it were salvageable, you wouldn't take the steps necessary because when it comes down to it you don't want to (don't want him). Apologies if I'm wrong about that, as has been said there isn't much background information here.

I like the way you phrased your question as is this still a marriage instead of am I still married. This isn't in my realm of experience, but my opinion is...

The obvious answer is that you're still married. Anything you do is officially infidelity and cheating. If you pass away you're spouse gets all the major assets you possess because you're in a legal contract. Your spouse's debt is your debt. You're bonded.

Now as far as if you're still in a marriage... I think your relationship lost the entire spirit of marriage a while ago. You guys obviously don't have the eternal love which a marriage is supposed to represent. You don't have the compassion and caring for each other that bonds you not just legally, but emotionally.

You've had several affairs. Reasons aside, the fact that you had more than one we can take as you not getting what you need out of the relationship. You don't want to be there physically. You don't even want to wear the wedding ring. It is obvious you do not want to be married to this person anymore.

But there's nothing wrong with that. There's a song by John Mayer called Wheel. Basically saying how love is like a wheel. You may love someone and in the moment everything seems right. But love is often like a season, and you may build a house of leaves and pretend its an evergreen, but in the end people and times often change. Whether you want to or not, a house built of leaves will collapse. It seems like you reached the point where you should seriously consider getting a divorce. Nobody likes the idea of failure especially with marriages, but if it doesn't work it doesn't work. It's also not that you failed as much as the marriage itself failed, which is made up of two people. It's sad, but a fact of life and I think you'd be happier for it.

lostatsea said:

You've had several affairs. Reasons aside, the fact that you had more than one we can take as you not getting what you need out of the relationship. You don't want to be there physically. You don't even want to wear the wedding ring. It is obvious you do not want to be married to this person anymore.

But there's nothing wrong with that. There's a song by John Mayer called Wheel. Basically saying how love is like a wheel. You may love someone and in the moment everything seems right. But love is often like a season, and you may build a house of leaves and pretend its an evergreen, but in the end people and times often change. It seems like you reached the point where you should seriously consider getting a divorce. Nobody likes the idea of failure especially with marriages, but if it doesn't work it doesn't work. It's sad, but a fact of life and I think you'd be happier for it.

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This is great advice as long as you have no values to aspire to. Love is not a season, infatuation is, love by definition can't just be about 'self'.

I someone wanted to launch into a long spiel about the breakdown of society that post would be a good starting point.

rdor said:

lostatsea said:

You've had several affairs. Reasons aside, the fact that you had more than one we can take as you not getting what you need out of the relationship. You don't want to be there physically. You don't even want to wear the wedding ring. It is obvious you do not want to be married to this person anymore.

But there's nothing wrong with that. There's a song by John Mayer called Wheel. Basically saying how love is like a wheel. You may love someone and in the moment everything seems right. But love is often like a season, and you may build a house of leaves and pretend its an evergreen, but in the end people and times often change. It seems like you reached the point where you should seriously consider getting a divorce. Nobody likes the idea of failure especially with marriages, but if it doesn't work it doesn't work. It's sad, but a fact of life and I think you'd be happier for it.

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This is great advice as long as you have no values to aspire to. Love is not a season, infatuation is, love by definition can't just be about 'self'.

I someone wanted to launch into a long spiel about the breakdown of society that post would be a good starting point.

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I completely disagree. It's easy to love someone when everything stands still and nothing changes. People and situations change, which cause actions and interactions to change, and in turn feelings and emotions. That's why you have people together for years before breaking up. You can love many people in your lifetime, from that high school sweetheart, to college, and onward.

To say that love is everlasting is completely naive. To be fair I don't also believe in one true loves, or soulmates, or destiny. Love is a compatibility of mind, body, and souls.

I can understand fighting to keep a marriage alive IF you think you could get back to the place where you were happy. But if at what point do you realize it just wasn't meant to be? To stay in something completely out of principal when both people would be better off apart is just selfish and ignorant.

We were married. We loved each other. Now we're bonded for life, even though you and I are nothing like we were 10 years ago? Sounds like religious based thinking. You can argue breakdown of society as you wish but unhappiness due to a unfulfilling toxic marriage, will hurt society more than simply cutting losses, getting divorced and finding the person you're supposed to be with.

lostatsea said:

I completely disagree. It's easy to love someone when everything stands still and nothing changes. People and situations change, which cause actions and interactions to change, and in turn feelings and emotions. That's why you have people together for years before breaking up. You can love many people in your lifetime, from that high school sweetheart, to college, and onward.

To say that love is everlasting is completely naive. To be fair I don't also believe in one true loves, or soulmates, or destiny. Love is a compatibility of mind, body, and souls.

I can understand fighting to keep a marriage alive IF you think you could get back to the place where you were happy. But if at what point do you realize it just wasn't meant to be? To stay in something completely out of principal when both people would be better off apart is just selfish and ignorant.

We were married. We loved each other. Now we're bonded for life, even though you and I are nothing like we were 10 years ago? Sounds like religious based thinking. You can argue breakdown of society as you wish but unhappiness due to a unfulfilling toxic marriage, will hurt society more than simply cutting losses, getting divorced and finding the person you're supposed to be with.

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Love is as much decision as it is a feeling, an ongoing decision to put effort into the relationship so that it doesn't fall apart when things change.

We're back to the idea of 'self'. "I'm with you as long as you entertain me, make me happy". That's toxic to begin with because it turns the other into a utility.

Of course some people are more suited for each other, but I think fate and soul mates are concepts typical of a 'me' attitude.

I see your viewpoint as very idealistic and unrealistic. What about the situation where you love someone and they do not return your love. Unrequited love is a story as old as time. You can give as much as love and be as selfless as you wish, but if you're not getting any back then the relationship doesn't work.

Love is not a decision, it is the ultimate emotion. Emotions are not decided upon. If you could decide an emotion, this forum wouldn't exist as nobody would ever choose to be lonely. You can't make love happen. You can't choose love. You can just put yourself in positions to feel and give love.

I mean you could choose to stay married of course. There are plenty of loveless marriages out there. My parents were in one. They loved me and my siblings, but would happily spend almost no time together. Their arrangement became more of one of business and function than actual emotion.

This has gone completely off topic from the OPs post. However I will say. You are free to have your opinion just like I'm free to have mine. But please don't go about criticizing my own as aspiring to have no values. It just causes a chain reaction. Thanks.