I hate this aspect of my nature

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Nells

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Basically, and I hate admitting to this because it is such an ugly personality trait, I hate the feeling of not being the "best" friend. To anyone. And because of that, I avoid friendships.

I've never been the person someone knew the longest, loved the most, talked to first etc. I've always wanted that closeness - probably even gave out needy signals, I'm sure people sense it, and it repels them.

It's a little inner voice, if I ever think about talking to someone. It says "What for? What is the point? She already has friends, loads of them, and probably a huge amount of really close ones, you'll never be her best friend. Or the one she'll want to turn to above others. So why bother?"

But why does that matter? Why can't I settle for just being "a" friend to anyone?

But do you know the worst part? If there was someone out there who had an opening for a new best friend, I'd wonder why. I'd wonder what was wrong with them that meant they didn't have someone already. Even though that's the situation I'm in. And I'd never bother getting to know them, because of that.

Holy hell I am an awful awful person. I think I just am not good enough to inflict on other people. Please don't have a go at me about this, I don't need criticism, and quite frankly can't handle it. I'm curious whether anyone can relate.
 
I wouldn't call you an awful person for wanting to be so important to someone. Gotta watch that though, there are a lot of people out there who will use you for that and it feels even worse when that happens. And as long as you don't do things like try to ruin their friendships with other people.
 
Sci-Fi said:
I wouldn't call you an awful person for wanting to be so important to someone. Gotta watch that though, there are a lot of people out there who will use you for that and it feels even worse when that happens. And as long as you don't do things like try to ruin their friendships with other people.
Click to expand...

No I'd never try to do that. I back away quietly and that's it :) I'm always really in awe of proper friendships.

I love your sig by the way. Minions are amazing :)
 
Nells said:
Basically, and I hate admitting to this because it is such an ugly personality trait, I hate the feeling of not being the "best" friend. To anyone. And because of that, I avoid friendships.

I've never been the person someone knew the longest, loved the most, talked to first etc. I've always wanted that closeness - probably even gave out needy signals, I'm sure people sense it, and it repels them.

It's a little inner voice, if I ever think about talking to someone. It says "What for? What is the point? She already has friends, loads of them, and probably a huge amount of really close ones, you'll never be her best friend. Or the one she'll want to turn to above others. So why bother?"

But why does that matter? Why can't I settle for just being "a" friend to anyone?

But do you know the worst part? If there was someone out there who had an opening for a new best friend, I'd wonder why. I'd wonder what was wrong with them that meant they didn't have someone already. Even though that's the situation I'm in. And I'd never bother getting to know them, because of that.

Holy hell I am an awful awful person. I think I just am not good enough to inflict on other people. Please don't have a go at me about this, I don't need criticism, and quite frankly can't handle it. I'm curious whether anyone can relate.
Click to expand...

I can relate to most of what you're saying Nells, except I gave up expecting to be anybody's best friend about 30 years ago.
Now I'm always expecting a knife in the back, figuratively speaking, and it makes a feedback loop that keeps on repeating itself over and over,and so I'm alone year after year.

I don't know how old you are, but if I could do those years over, I'd take the risks of giving myself and those potential friends a chance.

And if we hadn't made it to best friends but just ordinary friends, then that would have been better than no friends.
 
Trying to be someone's best friend may be the equivalent of a cat chasing its own tail in my mind. People, especially social ones, have many friends, if you keep finding yourself in a position where you want to be the "best" among them, you may end up trying so hard that you will actually make your friend wonder what the heck is wrong with you. Besides, it takes two people to consider each other best friends in order for the concept to work, so it doesn't always happen, most people I know don't even bother having a best friend, they enjoy the company of a closed group of 3-5 people more than others' and call them close friends.

I shouldn't be one to talk, I do have a best friend for the last 14 years and still going strong, but my point is maybe you could appreciate the friends you already have, as long as you can open up to them, don't forget that there are many people who don't even have friends.
 
Constant Stranger - yes that sounds familiar. I do expect a knife in the back. Life has taught me that, and not just once but every single time. When you've been hurt as badly and consistently as this I don't know how you can possibly retrain your brain into thinking it won't happen again, or is worth the risk. It no longer is for me, I'll be 40 next year (not saying that's old I'm saying that personally I feel I'm done)

Seeker - I probably should have said in this post that I have no friends at all. So nothing and no one to appreciate, sadly.
 
Nells said:
Seeker - I probably should have said in this post that I have no friends at all. So nothing and no one to appreciate, sadly.
Click to expand...

Oh, yes, that does changes a lot of things but this is exactly why you could start taking baby steps. You may join organized groups (tried it and it works for me), meet some people there and who knows, maybe with time one of them may become a best friend to you. The thing is, you still have a lot of years ahead of you and shouldn't quit trying just yet. ;)
 
I'd like to do that, in a lot of ways. If I could ever find anything I really enjoyed doing.

I tried joining the local WI a couple of years ago. Apart from them all having a good 30 years on me, bless them, I just couldn't get to the meetings. I don't care about ages, I tend to get on with any age group on the whole.

Probably that's my biggest problem. I have a lot of health issues and I can't drive, neither can I get to a bus stop or afford taxis anywhere. So I'm sort of trapped at home really :(
 
Hmmm, well I have friends, but hadn't had anyone really close apart from my wife. There's a long back story, but when I first came here I met some great people and now have a really great friend I can talk to.

I wasn't specifically looking for that, but it just happened. So I hope you find that too, theres lots of great people here you might make friends with, and those friendships might grow into a very real and lasting friendship.
 
Nah your now awful, I know exactly what you mean about that so you're not alone at least.
 
9006 said:
Nah your now awful, I know exactly what you mean about that so you're not alone at least.
Click to expand...

Thanks. And that word doesn't seem to cover my gratitude for finally finding a place that does not make me feel such a freak for not having copious amounts of people in my life. I actually feel much more comfortable being me for the first time in years.

So telling me I'm not alone really helps, thanks for taking the time to :cool:
 

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