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Jim540

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Some times I think I am just better off alone and friendless. Once I start opening up to someone it seems inevitable that I get disappointed.

Its when you start letting someone get to close to you that you get hurt. I guess its better to keep people at arms distance. Its just a shame, it would be nice to have just one person I could count on.

I am starting to think that all the friendships I see other people in aren't as close as it seems from the outside.
Maybe that's the big secret, keep a distance.

Are most friendships really just that casual?
Are my expectations just too high?
Should I just expect shallow friendships as " as good as it gets"?

If so then it is just my own fault that I feel alone.
 
That sounds a lot like me. I do wonder if there's a big secret, and all these fabulous friendships you see aren't that great really, deep down.

I wish I knew why it mattered to me so much. I get very angry with myself that I can't just be happy how I am - which is in a happy marriage but friendless otherwise. It bothers me just how alone I'd be without my husband. I'd have no one.

I don't know if your expectations are too high, I think it's good to hope for the best. But I am a natural pessimist, and immediately expect disappointment. Perhaps it is a self fulfilling prophecy?
 
Jim540 said:
Some times I think I am just better off alone and friendless. Once I start opening up to someone it seems inevitable that I get disappointed.

Its when you start letting someone get to close to you that you get hurt. I guess its better to keep people at arms distance. Its just a shame, it would be nice to have just one person I could count on.

I am starting to think that all the friendships I see other people in aren't as close as it seems from the outside.
Maybe that's the big secret, keep a distance.

Are most friendships really just that casual?
Are my expectations just too high?
Should I just expect shallow friendships as " as good as it gets"?

If so then it is just my own fault that I feel alone.

This is EXACTLY how I have felt and still feel although not as bad as I used to do not too long ago. When I start opening up, I hear the abrupt change of subjects, or the funny looks on their faces. I used to get in a fit of rage at being misunderstood and it led me to be very hateful, spiteful and vengeful of people.

Nowadays I just try and keep conversation mainstream such as the weather, films, food, games, sport.. things like that and never ever telling people on my views such as politics and society in general. Not that I'm a racist or a homophobe or anything like that, I just see things a lot differently than a lot of other people do in the way of who controls the world etc, things like that.. I realise if you're a similar person to me with an alternate worldview than the mainstream then its not worth taking the risk at any cost. Aslong as you know who you are that's all that should matter. Its better only to open up on internet forums that share the same views and concerns as you do. Nowadays that's really the best and safest way to do so.

As for your observations of other people, I wouldn't even worry about them. if they aren't friends or close immediate family then they are not really important so don't place any emphasis on them whatsoever. Doing this, I've learnt can make you hurt even more, jealous or even vengeful and hateful, especially if you're emotionally sensitive, unstable or depressed. Again, I struggled with that in the past. its good to ask yourself questions, but try to make sure they are only about you in the end.

In closing, are you better off alone? It isn't my place to say so. Only you have the answer to that. Myself, I am preferring my own company and not getting too close to people. I can still smile and be friendly and perhaps make an aqaintence or two (this is real life by the way, I have 'friends' online) but that's as far as I will go. I'm happier now than I was say 4-5 months ago.

I wish you all the best in finding what works for you. Don't be a stranger and keep us updated on your progress. Cheers :)
 
Retrospective81 said:
Jim540 said:
Some times I think I am just better off alone and friendless. Once I start opening up to someone it seems inevitable that I get disappointed.

Its when you start letting someone get to close to you that you get hurt. I guess its better to keep people at arms distance. Its just a shame, it would be nice to have just one person I could count on.

I am starting to think that all the friendships I see other people in aren't as close as it seems from the outside.
Maybe that's the big secret, keep a distance.

Are most friendships really just that casual?
Are my expectations just too high?
Should I just expect shallow friendships as " as good as it gets"?

If so then it is just my own fault that I feel alone.

This is EXACTLY how I have felt and still feel although not as bad as I used to do not too long ago. When I start opening up, I hear the abrupt change of subjects, or the funny looks on their faces. I used to get in a fit of rage at being misunderstood and it led me to be very hateful, spiteful and vengeful of people.

Nowadays I just try and keep conversation mainstream such as the weather, films, food, games, sport.. things like that and never ever telling people on my views such as politics and society in general. Not that I'm a racist or a homophobe or anything like that, I just see things a lot differently than a lot of other people do in the way of who controls the world etc, things like that.. I realise if you're a similar person to me with an alternate worldview than the mainstream then its not worth taking the risk at any cost. Aslong as you know who you are that's all that should matter. Its better only to open up on internet forums that share the same views and concerns as you do. Nowadays that's really the best and safest way to do so.

As for your observations of other people, I wouldn't even worry about them. if they aren't friends or close immediate family then they are not really important so don't place any emphasis on them whatsoever. Doing this, I've learnt can make you hurt even more, jealous or even vengeful and hateful, especially if you're emotionally sensitive, unstable or depressed. Again, I struggled with that in the past. its good to ask yourself questions, but try to make sure they are only about you in the end.

In closing, are you better off alone? It isn't my place to say so. Only you have the answer to that. Myself, I am preferring my own company and not getting too close to people. I can still smile and be friendly and perhaps make an aqaintence or two (this is real life by the way, I have 'friends' online) but that's as far as I will go. I'm happier now than I was say 4-5 months ago.

I wish you all the best in finding what works for you. Don't be a stranger and keep us updated on your progress. Cheers :)

Glad you are happy.

Apart from a recent blip, I have been very happy this year. 2010 to 2012 were pretty awful. This year I made a conscious effort to stop contacting people who I felt didn't give a honeysuckle about me. (That was basically everybody apart from my family) - I have just been concentrating on myself and doing my own thing.
 
It is my belief that the only new person you can confide to nowadays is the person you are with, and even this after some time after meeting them. The rest dont want to hear anyone elses problems, since they are too busy dealing with their own issues, which in todays world only increase with age.
 
Seeker said:
It is my belief that the only new person you can confide to nowadays is the person you are with, and even this after some time after meeting them. The rest dont want to hear anyone elses problems, since they are too busy dealing with their own issues, which in todays world only increase with age.

A very good and very true observation Ive made and agree 101% with!


Triple Bogey said:
Retrospective81 said:
Jim540 said:
Some times I think I am just better off alone and friendless. Once I start opening up to someone it seems inevitable that I get disappointed.

Its when you start letting someone get to close to you that you get hurt. I guess its better to keep people at arms distance. Its just a shame, it would be nice to have just one person I could count on.

I am starting to think that all the friendships I see other people in aren't as close as it seems from the outside.
Maybe that's the big secret, keep a distance.

Are most friendships really just that casual?
Are my expectations just too high?
Should I just expect shallow friendships as " as good as it gets"?

If so then it is just my own fault that I feel alone.

This is EXACTLY how I have felt and still feel although not as bad as I used to do not too long ago. When I start opening up, I hear the abrupt change of subjects, or the funny looks on their faces. I used to get in a fit of rage at being misunderstood and it led me to be very hateful, spiteful and vengeful of people.

Nowadays I just try and keep conversation mainstream such as the weather, films, food, games, sport.. things like that and never ever telling people on my views such as politics and society in general. Not that I'm a racist or a homophobe or anything like that, I just see things a lot differently than a lot of other people do in the way of who controls the world etc, things like that.. I realise if you're a similar person to me with an alternate worldview than the mainstream then its not worth taking the risk at any cost. Aslong as you know who you are that's all that should matter. Its better only to open up on internet forums that share the same views and concerns as you do. Nowadays that's really the best and safest way to do so.

As for your observations of other people, I wouldn't even worry about them. if they aren't friends or close immediate family then they are not really important so don't place any emphasis on them whatsoever. Doing this, I've learnt can make you hurt even more, jealous or even vengeful and hateful, especially if you're emotionally sensitive, unstable or depressed. Again, I struggled with that in the past. its good to ask yourself questions, but try to make sure they are only about you in the end.

In closing, are you better off alone? It isn't my place to say so. Only you have the answer to that. Myself, I am preferring my own company and not getting too close to people. I can still smile and be friendly and perhaps make an aqaintence or two (this is real life by the way, I have 'friends' online) but that's as far as I will go. I'm happier now than I was say 4-5 months ago.

I wish you all the best in finding what works for you. Don't be a stranger and keep us updated on your progress. Cheers :)

Glad you are happy.

Apart from a recent blip, I have been very happy this year. 2010 to 2012 were pretty awful. This year I made a conscious effort to stop contacting people who I felt didn't give a honeysuckle about me. (That was basically everybody apart from my family) - I have just been concentrating on myself and doing my own thing.

Triple, that's exactly how I felt 2010- august 2013 were my crappie years. I've also done the very same as you, stopped focusing on anyone but me and it has certainly payed offed dividends!
 
I don't think it's so much distance as it is expectations. When we imagine friendships in our heads, how they should feel and what should happen, we tend to come up with an ideal because there's no restrictions when it comes to imagination. Our ideal friend may always be kind, selfless, attentive, understanding, funny, and communicate in a way we understand and find pleasant, but real people often struggle to be this way. Real people get angry, worry about themselves first, lash out, procrastinate, avoid, forget, and misunderstand.

I think the key is to appreciate what's actually available out there in the world, which doesn't necessarily need to be shallow if we learn how to coexist with people who are very different. I've yet to meet anyone who's much like me, but I've managed to have a few very good friendships.
 
licorice said:
I don't think it's so much distance as it is expectations. When we imagine friendships in our heads, how they should feel and what should happen, we tend to come up with an ideal because there's no restrictions when it comes to imagination. Our ideal friend may always be kind, selfless, attentive, understanding, funny, and communicate in a way we understand and find pleasant, but real people often struggle to be this way. Real people get angry, worry about themselves first, lash out, procrastinate, avoid, forget, and misunderstand.

I think the key is to appreciate what's actually available out there in the world, which doesn't necessarily need to be shallow if we learn how to coexist with people who are very different. I've yet to meet anyone who's much like me, but I've managed to have a few very good friendships.

Coexist with people who are very different, I love that, in today's world it feels like we have more choice because of the internet, because of ease to travel, in the old days they were stuck with the people in the place they were born with and very few managed to escape, so probably one would see very unlikely friendships by today's standards. I was also reading this great blog, The Art of Manliness (I know, it's for guys, I'd like to meet a guy who learns from it), and there was an article about how (masculine) friendships used to be much deeper and people, even men, would express the joy of the friendship while today everyone has first to "look cool" and not show any sign of affection who can be seen as a weakness if not reciprocated. So, I don't know, those beautiful friendships that the OP mentions in the first post might be in decline also because of the general habits of our culture, don't want to sound like the angry retired person yelling from a bench, and I don't think it's a youth thing, actually those who are now 50 or 60 started this trend, but, yeah, I think in general friendships are indeed more shallow.
I think the key to friendship is not being perfect but rather how much one CARES for another person, and of that care I see very little around.
 
Peaches said:
I think the key to friendship is not being perfect but rather how much one CARES for another person, and of that care I see very little around.

I agree so much with this. I genuinely care about people, even from years and years ago. I'd mind if they were hurt, ill, upset, struggling. And I'd want to help. I think that I must either be pretty unique in this, or that I simply don't elicit these feelings in other people. I've often found myself wondering, when I've tried to reconnect to someone in my past who I was once extremely close to and got little or no response, "How can she not even care how I am? Or how I'm doing?" Surely even a mild curiosity about someone you used to be so close to? But no. Nothing.

It makes me wonder if I was just invisible to them. Or if I dreamed the whole thing.
 
I sometimes feel sad when watching certain TV shows or films where the characters have a great bunch of friends who are always there for one another, who they can open up to about their deepest feelings and thoughts, who say the right thing etc etc. I have friends, but often feel a lack of closeness with them. Nells, what you have written in your post above, about caring for people but not getting the same back resonates with me.
 
Tiina63 said:
I sometimes feel sad when watching certain TV shows or films where the characters have a great bunch of friends who are always there for one another, who they can open up to about their deepest feelings and thoughts, who say the right thing etc etc. I have friends, but often feel a lack of closeness with them. Nells, what you have written in your post above, about caring for people but not getting the same back resonates with me.

are tv shows or films true to life though ?
 
It's alright to be alone and with friends. Balance both of it.
Finding friends is sort of challenging sometimes. Most importantly, don't set high expectations on them. They're humans as well, they have their personal characteristics, like you, you have your own characteristics that are different from others. You can't change them the way they are, and there's always something you like and hate about them. So, just look at their positive side and your common interest with them. Share those common interest, those are the bridge that link your friendship. :) Nobody is perfect!

Of all the many friends people have, normally there's only 1-2 true friends. Yes, they're difficult to find. That is why you have to be patience and positive.

The more friends you have, the easier you will find your 'True Friend'. So, get more friends! Do the elimination process, but maintain your friends. Don't just dump them and leave them because they're not your true friend. In a group, everyone is doing their part, be it directly or indirectly, but they're still doing something that form the group. :)

Don't be a loner, once you're a loner, you tend to be more pessimistic in life, then you might get depress. But if you have friends, the more friends you have, the more positive you will become! Then you will be happier as well. Just be patience and positive! ;)
 
My biggest disappointment were my beloved ones (family included), who weren`t there for me, when I needed them, at least to listen to me, if not to support or help me. Sometimes they did and I won`t deny that, sometimes they couldn`t, but the most hurtful for me was when they were not even willing to hear me out or try to understand me and on top of that judged me pretty harsh, even mean and cruel. Partly is understandable, after all, it`s human nature to see your own problems bigger and more important and to feel entitled to put them first, even above your partner`s or family`s. But still..... So, seeing this topic, I asked myself: are they true friends? To call them acquaintances or just people I know would be inappropriate, since they are dear and close to me. And if they are not true friends, what about the acquaintances I know, who are not close to me, but when a situation comes up and I turn to them, knowing that they don`t have to do anything for me, they surprise me by being reliable, helpful, warm (they`re not many and I don`t refer to the (many) people and acquaintances I know, coworkers etc.). Are they true friends, even if some are almost strangers? So it seems. Which makes me bitter and sad to admit, that those I love and value, be it partner, parents, relatives, are not true friends. Nor just people I know.
You know, I am a loner and have no problem whatsoever with solitude or to socialize in life (real and virtual). But when it comes to the people precious to me, I cannot remain unaffected by their attitude, words, actions (or lack of them). So, do I have true friends? No. I know a few people, some strangers, some acquaintances, who show me by the power of example what a true friend could be and means. (sad smile).
[video=youtube]
 
I'm still trying to figure out what friends I actually do have in my life. True friends are a somewhat foreign concept to me as I've usually had a lot of acquaintances that didn't go much further than that; except in a couple exceptional circumstances.
 
Peaches said:
licorice said:
I don't think it's so much distance as it is expectations. When we imagine friendships in our heads, how they should feel and what should happen, we tend to come up with an ideal because there's no restrictions when it comes to imagination. Our ideal friend may always be kind, selfless, attentive, understanding, funny, and communicate in a way we understand and find pleasant, but real people often struggle to be this way. Real people get angry, worry about themselves first, lash out, procrastinate, avoid, forget, and misunderstand.

I think the key is to appreciate what's actually available out there in the world, which doesn't necessarily need to be shallow if we learn how to coexist with people who are very different. I've yet to meet anyone who's much like me, but I've managed to have a few very good friendships.

Coexist with people who are very different, I love that, in today's world it feels like we have more choice because of the internet, because of ease to travel, in the old days they were stuck with the people in the place they were born with and very few managed to escape, so probably one would see very unlikely friendships by today's standards. I was also reading this great blog, The Art of Manliness (I know, it's for guys, I'd like to meet a guy who learns from it), and there was an article about how (masculine) friendships used to be much deeper and people, even men, would express the joy of the friendship while today everyone has first to "look cool" and not show any sign of affection who can be seen as a weakness if not reciprocated. So, I don't know, those beautiful friendships that the OP mentions in the first post might be in decline also because of the general habits of our culture, don't want to sound like the angry retired person yelling from a bench, and I don't think it's a youth thing, actually those who are now 50 or 60 started this trend, but, yeah, I think in general friendships are indeed more shallow.
I think the key to friendship is not being perfect but rather how much one CARES for another person, and of that care I see very little around.

I'm not sure if it's a real change or just my perspective, but it seems that people are increasingly wary of sitting near each other in public. I think people are becoming suspicious enough of others to be guarded over their space even when it's a seat on the bus or in a library. I read an article on The Art of Manliness about physical contact in male friendships then vs now, and the difference was staggering.

I don't have many friends, and the few I do have are often my opposite in politics, religion, or personality. Despite that, we have good, stable friendships. I don't like the label of "true friend," as if they're false or unworthy because I can find flaw with them.
 
It just sounds like you've made some terrible friends, or people that walk all over you.

I can relate to this, because I've had people walk all over me as well. But I can't really say that it's the fault of me, because I let them. They chose to do it, but I chose to take it.
 
This sounds quite like myself as well. I just kind of lost one of my two friends. She has changed, and not for the better. But same with me; whenever I start talking with someone and it seems like a nice conversation, the person always becomes disinterested and stops responding. I don't know what I'm doing to cause this. As far as I know, nothing. I try to be as nice as possible.

Pretty much any interaction with another human ends up in disappointment.
 
Pike Queen said:
This sounds quite like myself as well. I just kind of lost one of my two friends. She has changed, and not for the better. But same with me; whenever I start talking with someone and it seems like a nice conversation, the person always becomes disinterested and stops responding. I don't know what I'm doing to cause this. As far as I know, nothing. I try to be as nice as possible.

Pretty much any interaction with another human ends up in disappointment.

I have gone through this too. What I have found is that a lot of times people get into relationships, and either start spending all of their time with their significant other, or they hang out with other couples. It still sucks though. Makes one feel unimportant.
 
Triple Bogey said:
Tiina63 said:
I sometimes feel sad when watching certain TV shows or films where the characters have a great bunch of friends who are always there for one another, who they can open up to about their deepest feelings and thoughts, who say the right thing etc etc. I have friends, but often feel a lack of closeness with them. Nells, what you have written in your post above, about caring for people but not getting the same back resonates with me.

are tv shows or films true to life though ?

I have met people who have claimed to have a huge bunch of supportive friends so maybe tv shows and films are true to life for some people.
 
my impression is that the more extrovert one is, the more one gets support, just an impression
 

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