talking about sex on first date than 2nd, should i be worried?

As I mention before, I meet up w a local guy. I meet up with him for lunch yesterday. Well, the subject of sex came up. Before we meet up I explained how I never had a b/f etc... on the fist date he wanted me to clarify if I was still a virgin. Which I told him yes and I'm saving myself. And clarify that he wasn't. Well yesterday, he asked if I believe in birth control pills and safe sex. Which I said yes. (But I'm not on any birth control) He than goes on to say he believes in condoms, I was like ok.
Should I be concerned that he's thinking about sex. Or should be up front with him, about Not taking any birth control pills, and I'm not planning to have sex with him?
I mean I mention a few times how I never had a b/f nor been in any type of relationship. All this dating thing is brand new to me. So shouldn't he got the hint by now?

Hmmm. I'm not sure what to tell you, other than your final sentence made me want to comment.

You say "shouldn't he have got the hint by now?" In my experience of 17 years of marriage, men (some men I suppose I should say, since I can't speak for all...) cannot take hints. Not even great big, 20 storey neon-lit, flashing siren-wailing hints. Even when you think you've really spelled it out to them, and they've known you for many years.

So I would say, please do not assume he has taken any hint at all. That's not to say I am advising you to go and shout in his face I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU EVER EVER EVER.... firstly because people will stare. Secondly, it'd probably frighten him and thirdly, well, I still couldn't guarantee he'd take the hint even then

I haven't dated for years, I've no idea how you should do this. If it was me I'd try and find some way of letting him know, clearly, that while you like him and are happy with the way things are going (assuming that is true), you just want to be completely upfront with him and feel you should make sure he understands that you are not looking to start a sexual relationship with him, because one or two things he has said has made you a little concerned.

Whether for you that means "never" or just "not yet" should probably be clear aswell. He might well be thinking " she hasn't yet but she might with me." Men's minds are a mystery

I hope that is some use. That's all I can contribute I'm afraid. Never assume men have taken a hint

As for if you should be worried, I would say probably. Sex is obviously on his mind. A lot of guys think they can change your mind as well. He very well might pressure you down the line.

Asking questions about sex that early isn't weird at all, however asking about birth control is. Better talk to him directly about your feelings on sex, he doesn't seem to be taking the hint.

Nells said:

You say "shouldn't he have got the hint by now?" In my experience of 17 years of marriage, men (some men I suppose I should say, since I can't speak for all...) cannot take hints. Not even great big, 20 storey neon-lit, flashing siren-wailing hints. Even when you think you've really spelled it out to them, and they've known you for many years.

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Hahaha.. sorry had to laugh at that, Nells. I think you could be right.......

Anyway, yes, be it man or woman, you can't really know whether he/she has taken the hint or not so the best bet is to always communicate and talk things out with each other. It may not be easy if it's a sensitive or personal subject.. but if you really want him to be clear of it from the start, then you should have the talk soon.

Good luck.

Nells said:

You say "shouldn't he have got the hint by now?" In my experience of 17 years of marriage, men (some men I suppose I should say, since I can't speak for all...) cannot take hints. Not even great big, 20 storey neon-lit, flashing siren-wailing hints. Even when you think you've really spelled it out to them, and they've known you for many years.

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Perhaps next time you should think about being with a competent man. It's not about getting the hint, to me he's clearly making his intentions clear. If this is something he seems fixated on then maybe this isn't the guy for you, which seems the case (already) IMO.

You don't have to settle on the first guy that comes along.

lostatsea said:

As for if you should be worried, I would say probably. Sex is obviously on his mind. A lot of guys think they can change your mind as well. He very well might pressure you down the line.

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9006 said:

It's not about getting the hint, to me he's clearly making his intentions clear.

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^ What they said.

You told him you were saving yourself. That's not a "hint", that's a direct statement. He seems to have other plans.

Better have another talk with him.

Solivagant said:

lostatsea said:

As for if you should be worried, I would say probably. Sex is obviously on his mind. A lot of guys think they can change your mind as well. He very well might pressure you down the line.

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9006 said:

It's not about getting the hint, to me he's clearly making his intentions clear.

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^ What they said.

You told him you were saving yourself. That's not a "hint", that's a direct statement. He seems to have other plans.

Better have another talk with him.

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Agreed. Sex is on his mind and he's letting you know he's wanting it but don't let go of your beliefs and morals, make him wait. If he really likes you and wants more than to just "pop your cherry" (sorry for the crude term) then he'll respect your wishes and wait.

As far as being "forward" with you on the first date, or whatever, I would say that is a poor choice for him, perhaps a bit worrying for you since you aren't looking for that kind of thing.

What exactly are you "saving" yourself for? A long-term relationship? Marriage?
Maybe you should tell him specifically what you are saving yourself for so neither of you get hurt or put in time and effort for nothing.

To be honest, I'd find it a bit too much if a man went on about sex on the first two dates we had. It gives the impression that this is all he is after. I could be wrong, but I would be wary of him if I were you. It doesn't seem that you want the same things.

I agree with Tiina63. Two dates and he's talking sex? I wouldn't even be prepared for a kiss yet, let alone sex.

Tiina63 said:

To be honest, I'd find it a bit too much if a man went on about sex on the first two dates we had. It gives the impression that this is all he is after. I could be wrong, but I would be wary of him if I were you. It doesn't seem that you want the same things.

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I agree the two of you are on very separate pages. There's a very different world out there. People on this forum seem to be like myself. Far more traditional and conservative. They hold the ideal of sex being meaningful and want a relationship.

There is also a very large culture of people, particularly younger people, who look at sex as just fun. It's not big deal. They happily talk about it. Sexually charged flirting before getting to really know the person is common place. Promiscuity is rampant.

Neither one is right or wrong, since anything that happens between two consenting adults is up to them. But obviously the two views are contradictory.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with sex until three months of dating. But that's just me.

The OP had already mentioned that she had not previously had a boyfriend and it's her intention to wait until she is ready and that can be quite open ended from the perspective of the other person, I think if you don't want to wait until you're married to have a sexual relationship it would make sense to try and see what the situation is pretty early on in the dating process, otherwise you're just wasting each others time. So I can understand him wanting to try and bring the subject round to what's expected. You're both adults, both know what you want, you should be able to discuss it, it's just a question of how you breach the subject. The birth control question is a bit odd but I think to put yourself in his position, it is pretty tricky. I think a couple of people said he shouldn't be thinking about sex this early but he hasn't tried it on he is more just clarifying what they both want which, frankly is what dating is all about, getting to know each others expectations.

Whenever a potential partner or relationship is discussed on here it's amazing how the general consensus is often 'you're best off out of that situation' and often without knowing the whole story; like how the conversation came round to birth control. People always seem keen to encourage posters to give up on a potential relationship right from the off. Just as an opposing view, maybe just see what his intentions are and next time sex is mentioned just plain come out and say what you are looking for and see how he reacts? Couldn't hurt.

I come from the exact same perspective as the OP. I've never had a girlfriend, and I would feel uncomfortable if I was pressured into sex.

I know it is different, because I'm a guy. But I definitely do feel pressure, both to lose it, and to wait.

LeaningIntoTheMuse said:

I wouldn't feel comfortable with sex until three months of dating. But that's just me.

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After ten minutes of dating, I'm good to go...

Well I confess with me a HUGE flashing neon sign is required. I don't get hints.

Sex is great, but only if both parties are happy to get into it. If not then it's not going to be.

Batman55 said:

LeaningIntoTheMuse said:

I wouldn't feel comfortable with sex until three months of dating. But that's just me.

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After ten minutes of dating, I'm good to go...

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But, you see, that's the problem with being a virgin in your 30's. I'd even have to explain why I don't know how to kiss. I certainly don't want to explain why I don't know how to fresia!

You're much younger, so you have it easier. Women would give you a free pass. Either I have to lie about it, or I have to wait until I find someone who's completely understanding of my situation.

LeaningIntoTheMuse said:

But, you see, that's the problem with being a virgin in your 30's. I'd even have to explain why I don't know how to kiss. I certainly don't want to explain why I don't know how to fresia!

You're much younger, so you have it easier. Women would give you a free pass. Either I have to lie about it, or I have to wait until I find someone who's completely understanding of my situation.

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LOL, no, I guess you haven't read my profile. My situation is even worse than yours. Far worse, in some ways.

The comment was sarcastic, I suppose I could have done more to indicate that.