I don't know what's happening. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I don't really know where to put this, so sorry if I put it in the wrong spot. Also I wish to apologize for the ensuing insanity I'm about to spew...

So I was recently basically forced to come out of the closet against my will. My mother has been into my computer and listening to my phone conversations on the other phone. Since she's "not comfortable with secrets", I had to come out to the rest of my family members. years before I was planning to, lest she out me. (I should explain that I could've just let her tell them, the reason I didn't was because I felt they deserved to hear it from me.) While it could have gone worse, I almost had a total nervous breakdown. It's been almost a month but it's still driving me insane. I feel incredibly exposed, almost violated. I'm an extremely private person, and I wasn't ready.

In addition, she's banned one of my best friends from our house (she didn't like what she heard us talking about on the phone). It's now even harder than ever to get away from here. I live in the middle of the woods, am homeschooled, and not allowed to go anywhere (if I did, the cops would be called). I feel so isolated. This isn't a house, it's a prison. Most of the friends I can contact are busy somehow, and I know they wouldn't mind if I needed to talk to them, but I don't want to make them worry about my problems. But I'm just so lonely. I feel like a useless waste of oxygen who can't do anything right and would be better off dead.

My sleep schedule is completely insane- it varies every day, but in the end I'm extremely sleep deprived. I barely eat, and I think I'm hallucinating. I see little dark spots skittering around on the floor. I keep thinking I hear very faint voices from time to time, just saying random phrases, but they sound so real. When I'm just about to fall asleep (when I do sleep), I see disturbing faces looking at me. My mood is insane, and I over-react to everything. For no logical reason beyond that they were hurting a tad, I just wanted to rip out all my teeth with pliers earlier today.

I don't feel in control of myself. I don't know what I might do. I'm scared. I've been having thoughts about hurting myself. I just don't want to be alone...

Hey.
Sorry to hear about you, you must have it tough in your life.
I dont know really what to tell you. But to me it seems like getting out would really help you. In that regards, I would ask, is it possible for you to refuse being home-schooled? Really, as I say it, refuse. Attending regular school where you can make new friends end see many things that you did not see until now would be beneficial I think.
And what is it about cops being called when you would leave the place?...I dont really get that part...
To me it seems like your soul is screaming for something more, new places, informations, experiences, but is unable to get it is you are locked up, as you said, in prison. If it doesnt get that, it tries to create it by itself..I think..

Overall, to me it seems like breaking out of the prison you are, and entering the world outside, would be for the best..I think.

But anyhow, I´m sorry for you. I wish you the best, and wish you strength and bravery to overcome the things that bother you.

Wow, first even though you weren't ready but told your family anyway, even if you were pushed into that position, and as nervous as you were, that took a lot of guts and bravery on your part. Some people would have just let someone else do it for them.

Reach out to one of your friends, you really really need to. You can't keep going as you are, you need someone to talk to. If they really care about you then they would be ticked you are keeping things from them when they could help you.

Some families feel that if they don't control their children's every interaction and move, he will somehow end up going the wrong way, hence the over-protection. Of course, there are always the extreme cases like yours, which boarder on paranoia. I'm pretty sure that your parents have planted fear of the police to you in order to keep you under their control, while you must know that if you are under 18, you can even report them for child abuse (i'm not suggesting that you should, just showing you that the police would be on your side, not theirs.)

I can't imagine what you have been through while growing up, but I would suggest facing your family head on, and make them realize that the kind of life they're FORCING you to live drives you insane and makes you want to hurt yourself. Ask them if they will be feeling proud and successful as parents if their son grows up being unable to function in society because of their over-controlling.

All in all, a radical change should occur, that being you going to a public school, where you can make friends and be around people your own age, who will teach you more about life than your parents ever will. I do hope you find your way. :/

Thanks all of you for the responses. I appreciate y'all. Yes, I'm a minor, so I will be dragged back home by the authorities if I leave without permission.
I say my mother homeschooled me, but she didn't really. That is to say, she stopped educating me around a 5th grade level and told me to just cheat on my homework or pretend to do it so my step-father (who I would love to punch straight in the face, just as an aside) didn't get angry. She eventually just stopped giving me anything to do at all. I'm desperately trying to get through a high-school correspondence program and not doing well. If I fail, there's no money for me to re-try it or even just order an extension so I have more time. In the same vein, I'd love to attend a real school but because of my lack of education and struggle to teach myself what I need to know, I don't know if I could do the work.

As far as facing my family goes... yeah, that doesn't work. I tried. I got verbally and emotionally destroyed to the point of feeling suicidal for a time. My mother legitimately sees no problem with me not being able to function. Proof: My 27 year old brother still lives here. Has never had a job or otherwise supported himself in any way. Can barely drive without having panic attacks. Would like nothing more than to be mommy's little boy forever and ever.

I'll try to work up the courage to speak to a friend tomorrow. I don't know if it will work, but I'll try...

Sci-Fi said:

Wow, first even though you weren't ready but told your family anyway, even if you were pushed into that position, and as nervous as you were, that took a lot of guts and bravery on your part. Some people would have just let someone else do it for them.

Reach out to one of your friends, you really really need to. You can't keep going as you are, you need someone to talk to. If they really care about you then they would be ticked you are keeping things from them when they could help you.

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I've got to agree with Sci-Fi. I'm really sorry you're going through this. If it helps, you can also write here or PM us if you need to chat with someone. I hope you will feel better soon. *hugs*

Is it possible that getting the authorities involved might be a good thing for you rather than a bad thing? They might insist that you go to a proper school and arrange for you to have some sort of remedial help with your class work until you catch up with your age group. I don't know what they would do, but it might not be completely negative.

I'm not you so I can't tell you what to do. Only you know what you can or can't do.

But, firstly try and get some decent food and sleep, you need to keep yourself well. That important.

You are still young, so if you choose you can move on and live your life how YOU want, if nessaary in about a year you would be old enough to move away and start afresh (not saying that would be easy of course).

I would say if need be to just keep your head down at the moment and get through this period as best you can.

You know who you are, others may not accept that, but that doesn't mean you have to accept them either. It's YOUR life.

Good luck.

This came up on my playlist and made me think of this thread, sure you can find it on You Tube or something: Olivia Holt - Nothing' Gonna Stop me Now

PS Yes, I know, but I like these songs so.. live with it!

****, my spontaneous reaction is you need to get out of that place! I don't know your whereabouts, so it's hard to give any clever advice, but certainly the authorities would have to interfere if you turned to them for help? Maybe you're not physically abused, but certainly mentally and emotionally. You need to figure out a way to pull yourself out of that mess, otherwise you'll end up like your brother ten years from now. From what you're telling us, your mother is basically keeping you imprisoned. That is totally inacceptable! Don't rely on family or relatives to help you with this. Do what you can to protect yourself and to create a life worth living, we are all our own best friends. And again - get out of there, no matter how!

Tiina63 said:

Is it possible that getting the authorities involved might be a good thing for you rather than a bad thing? They might insist that you go to a proper school and arrange for you to have some sort of remedial help with your class work until you catch up with your age group. I don't know what they would do, but it might not be completely negative.

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Not sure about that, because we don't know how the family reaction might be, but maybe if you manage to get out of the house you can find some social assistants to talk with and get some ideas about what to do? I have no idea where you live, in many areas of the world it is possible to find someone to talk to, it sound like you are in a crazy situation. Being deprived of an education is abusive, being forced to come out, especially at such a young age, is quite abusive, your brother... please, remember that you are the sane one in that lot.

Dear Tamaki, you are not at all a waste of oxygen, it sounds like you are being forced to live in a very unhealthy, abnormal situation, and your body is rebelling, that's why maybe you can't sleep. Please don't hurt yourself, it sounds like you are already being hurt by someone else. Please try to find online (maybe through cell phone if you have one, less easy to control than internet, if you use internet remember to empty the cache in the browser with the history so they cannot see what sites you have seen) or in person someone older to talk with, friends are great but it sounds like your situation is a little off and you need some adult counseling. Why should your family call the cops if you go away? Do they just threaten you, or did that actually happen?

Please repeat yourself that you probably have good reasons to go a little crazy, everyone who is in prison goes through that, and try not to go crazy and focus on what is good for you: seeing people, going out of the house, sleeping regular hours, study and exercise so you have the strength to get out of there as soon as you are of age. That's what prisoners do if they want to run away: they prepare themselves, sometimes for years. Please don't end up like your brother, they can hurt you but they cannot break you, you must not allow that.

Hugs...

I could only speculate on your family state , as I grew up at another end of the spiderweb of family dynamics , and everything I did to survive it I wouldn't want anyone else to go through or even try.

Now to something I'm quite familiar with as I was born with it , insomnia/sleep deprivation. Long term sleep deprivation can give anyone the phantoms (spots , noises , images in both closed or open eyes) as well as a complete shutdown of your bodily cravings for food. Although it sounds like your lack of appetite is a stress response to your other issues.

I have endured extended incarceration , and even though the release date feels like it will never come and you won't make it , it does actually come , you just need to find a coping mechanism until it arrives.

Would your parents allow you to get an "after school" job ? It could get you out of the house and them you could hide that money for your release date.

How about sports ? they are amazing at taking you mind out of the worldly woes at least for the time are playing .

Well at least you have the internet , there is always room to escape here , just keep your escapes clean so your parents don't have a reason(albeit terribly jaded) to revoke those privileges.


Keep your chin up , and head down.

"I would think that embracing the things you truly like and being able to enjoy them is worth more than anything. To just be yourself... I believe that's what true strength really is."- Tamaki Suoh

No building hamster homes, no growing mushrooms in closets, no calling yourself a waste of oxygen. Honestly, you don't have time for that, because you need to do everything you can to prepare to escape! I'm not saying you should run away. You need to take care of yourself to the best of your ability. Keep doing the school thing. Believe in yourself... and work on a strategy to get out of there and into a healthier environment.

I definitely think you need to be in touch with some sort of social worker. The environment you described sounds abusive and/ or neglectful, and you need to be somewhere that you can grow.

Hey everybody, thanks so much for all the kind responses and sorry for the late post. I'm okay, or at least better than I was. I've tried to fight my insanity and take your advice and I'm doing better on the sleeping and eating fronts. Not as well as I should be, but I can say with confidence my mental state is a bit better at present as I can look back on my earlier behavior and say "Holy crap, I was losing it there...". I've gotten in touch with some friends and while I didn't actually go into detail about any of these problems, just chatting with them reminded me that I'm not alone.

I would love to try and find some kind of job and at this point I might even consider taking up sports, except when I say I can't leave this house, I mean I really can't leave this house. Even if I could get a job I couldn't drive to it (I don't have a license, no one will teach me. I have a driver's manual so I know how to drive in theory, but I can't actually practice). There's no one to play sports with. I live deep, DEEP in the woods.

She has never actually called the cops, no, but she would. For one thing, there's literally no where I can actually go within walking distance, and no where she wants me to go even if there was, so I'd get dragged straight back.

A lot of you have suggested that getting into contact with the authorities or some kind of social services could actually be a good thing, and I've considered in the past during my darkest moments but there are several problems with that. First of all aside from my lack of education I really have no way of proving my mother is doing anything wrong. And if my mother found out I had attempted any such thing, it would be World War 3, or worse. BEST case scenario: Computer = gone, phone privileges = gone, leaving the house ever for any reason = gone. Worst case scenario: She takes my little brother and leaves. Yes, she has specifically made this threat. If any kind of social services were to come anywhere near here, she says she'll take my little brother (AKA my best friend since he was born) and move to some undisclosed location and none of us will ever see him again. And yes, she is exactly crazy enough to actually do it.

@nerdygirl: I'm responding back to you specifically here because your post made me grin like a complete idiot and it has been entirely too long since I've done that, so thank you, thank you.

In any case I really appreciate all of you taking the time to talk to me here, it has made a difference. Truthfully there's really not much I can do besides try to survive until next year. The plan is to move in with friends temporarily until I can stand up on my own. It's not far off now, but it often feels like I'm still just not gonna make it. I was at rock bottom and just needed to reach out to somebody.

Hi Tamaki, parents are often the very last people who come to terms with our choices and accept them, but it doesn't mean that they don't after all. The longer it takes, the greater support they offer later in life. I can imagine how hard it must be for you, specially if you're family has very strong views on this matter. Most of my friends decided to come out to their families only after moving away and guarded by close friends; even though things never were easy. I'm pretty sure you're wise and strong enough to survive until next year.

Tamaki said:

@nerdygirl: I'm responding back to you specifically here because your post made me grin like a complete idiot and it has been entirely too long since I've done that, so thank you, thank you.

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I couldn't resist making those references. *chuckle*

Your mom may have made the threat, but she doesn't actually seem to be invested enough to make the effort. You see, if CPS knew just how bad things were, they'd be able to get an order for emergency custody. Your mother would then have to be on the run, dealing with Amber alerts, etc., She'd be risking jail time, among other things.

I've no advice to give, but you have my best wishes in finding a solution to all your problems.