I have finally broken the need from wanting a relationship

Evening everyone, hope you're all well.

So this week has had me thinking and feeling many different things. What's really important to me in life.

I have realised many things.

I have a lot to be happy with in my life after much deep thought and reflection. I have my health, a good home (even though I'm living with my mum and younger bro) quite a bit of disposable income.

I also have freedom, freedom from having a mortgage, bills and mouths to feed. Freedom to do whatever I want. Mostly, freedom to just focus on myself and improving my life and realising and unleashing my true potential and one day, improving other's lives.

Up until very recently, I used to feel I needed to have a girlfriend, a relationship or even marriage. I think after taking it well with the lady I met overseas on Skype who wanted to remain friends, I think I've finally overcome that 'need.' The 'need for 'love from another'. The need for affirmation and validation from a partner.

I feel like I've broken free from another chain. I feel at peace, and most importantly, FREE.

I want to take this oppurtunity to encourage others who are still struggling with wanting a partner. It's not easy I know, but try to live day by day and try and ask yourself some important questions. Try to do whatever is in your grasp to find positives in your life. Don't strive or try to see the things you are not ready to see. Take your time and acknowledge only the positives you can realistically accept at this time.


Have I given up on finding love? no, but I'm going to let it find me. my time will come in the future. But for now its all about me,. I have much work to be done still in my interactions with people in the real world. Today has been a good day atleast.

Best wishes to all who are reading this and struggling.

Thank you for reading.

It's funny, I could have written this post myself.
After recovering from the breakup with my last girlfriend, I felt that I needed a new girlfriend to be happy, which sometimes drove me to despair. But lately, I have realized what you are saying, Retrospective, we don't need a partner to feel complete and accomplished. I get all the care I need from my female friends, who love me for who I am, so I don't feel unwanted by girls at all. Besides, life is too short to spend it with a manipulative partner, I prefer to find a worthy woman and give my best self to her. No more compromises.

Seeker said:

It's funny, I could have written this post myself.
After recovering from the breakup with my last girlfriend, I felt that I needed a new girlfriend to be happy, which sometimes drove me to despair. But lately, I have realized what you are saying, Retrospective, we don't need a partner to feel complete and accomplished. I get all the care I need from my female friends, who love me for who I am, so I don't feel unwanted by girls at all. Besides, life is too short to spend it with a manipulative partner, I prefer to find a worthy woman and give my best self to her. No more compromises.

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And this reply my friend, couldn't have written better myself thank you

It's freeing to stop defining yourself by the often arbitrary and cruel rules of attraction, and start living your life.

rdor said:

It's freeing to stop defining yourself by the often arbitrary and cruel rules of attraction, and start living your life.

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rdor, absolutely. Absolutely indeed

I am glad you had a good day!

I do struggle with the thought of living a life without love. I used to naively believe that it would eventually work itself out and never paid much attention to it. Several years ago, a friend of mine had finally found his soulmate and while I was happy for him, I felt a need to start taking matters into my own hands. The several years since then have been the darkest years of my life for a multitude of reasons. This is especially sad in retrospect considering the time before was not exactly peachy either. Back then, I never believe things could get so dark. It feels like I have been struggling my whole life. I take comfort in the Latin term momento mori. I simply want the darkness to end. I hope one day I can either find her or have the epiphany that you have had

Again, happy to hear your outlook on life and love have taken a turn for the positive!

Not forgetting this feeling when you feel lonely or in doubt is all you have left to do.

I enjoy my freedom and my life.
But I like women and their company. I think if I met a really nice woman it would be fantastic. Apart from the obvious, sharing my life would be lovely and having someone who genuinely cared about me would be too. I can't bullshit myself into thinking I wouldn't want a woman in my life. On the other hand I'm not desperate or unhappy because I am single.

I'm glad that you've found a way to move on from an unhealthy way of thinking. Desperation/neediness is detrimental whether you're in a relationship or looking for one. For me at least though, the desire for a relationship isn't something I can rationalize away completely. Some days are better than others but there are always those moments when I'm terribly lonely and just want someone to cuddle with.

Do you get that too sometimes? If so, how do you deal with it?

I really liked your post Retrospective. It's great that you're focusing your mind on the positives in your life. The need for validation is probably one of the biggest barriers for many guys when they're trying to meet women, so overcoming it is a huge step forward. I still need to overcome the need for validation myself.

What do you mean when you say you're going to let love find you? What will you be doing differently?

I'm happy for you! Maybe I should elaborate, but what you said simply makes a lot of sense to me.

silver birch leaves said:

I'm happy for you! Maybe I should elaborate, but what you said simply makes a lot of sense to me.

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Thank you for your support Birch, means a lot

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Revengineer said:

I'm glad that you've found a way to move on from an unhealthy way of thinking. Desperation/neediness is detrimental whether you're in a relationship or looking for one. For me at least though, the desire for a relationship isn't something I can rationalize away completely. Some days are better than others but there are always those moments when I'm terribly lonely and just want someone to cuddle with.

Do you get that too sometimes? If so, how do you deal with it?

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Of course Revengineer, aslong as I am a human being I will always get that desire. Fortunately for me, I have a few close female friends on Skype who give me a lot of love and virtual cuddles. I value that a lot. of course Ill desire real cuddles, but I will wait patiently at the back of my mind for it

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murmi97 said:

Not forgetting this feeling when you feel lonely or in doubt is all you have left to do.

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Yes, Murmi, YES!

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stuff4096 said:

I am glad you had a good day!

I do struggle with the thought of living a life without love. I used to naively believe that it would eventually work itself out and never paid much attention to it. Several years ago, a friend of mine had finally found his soulmate and while I was happy for him, I felt a need to start taking matters into my own hands. The several years since then have been the darkest years of my life for a multitude of reasons. This is especially sad in retrospect considering the time before was not exactly peachy either. Back then, I never believe things could get so dark. It feels like I have been struggling my whole life. I take comfort in the Latin term momento mori. I simply want the darkness to end. I hope one day I can either find her or have the epiphany that you have had

Again, happy to hear your outlook on life and love have taken a turn for the positive!

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You can do this, stuff. All it takes is self believe and determination. of course, it takes work, time and is never easy, but you will get there I assure you. its all about finding things that make you happy in life and treasuring the things you have got. For me, it is knowing there are people far worse off from me.

Thank you and I hope I can continue to inspire you and others on this forum

MTrip said:

Nice post. The irony is now that you're in this positive frame of mind, a woman is more likely to show up! It's when a man is not needy & finds validation from other things in life, that he is generally considered more attractive. When you want rain the day is dry; when you couldn't care less it starts pouring. :/

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It's like happiness... something you're more likely to find when you're not actively looking for it. It's a counterintuitive concept and difficult to wrap your mind around, that's for sure.

MTrip said:

When you want rain the day is dry; when you couldn't care less it starts pouring.

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Taken to mean 'you can only have what you don't want', which is quite sad.

Seeker said:

It's funny, I could have written this post myself.
After recovering from the breakup with my last girlfriend, I felt that I needed a new girlfriend to be happy, which sometimes drove me to despair. But lately, I have realized what you are saying, Retrospective, we don't need a partner to feel complete and accomplished. I get all the care I need from my female friends, who love me for who I am, so I don't feel unwanted by girls at all. Besides, life is too short to spend it with a manipulative partner, I prefer to find a worthy woman and give my best self to her. No more compromises.

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Too bad you only get that until your mid to late 30's and 40's. That's why I'm on dating sites specifically for that age range.

Awesome post Retrospective

I hope that you have fun exploring, who the real "Retrospective" is, as sometimes we can lose our true identity when in a relationship.

As nice as that post sounds, it seems like he hasn't really broken free of the need for a relationship. He's just decided it would be in his best interests not to put himself out there and just wait till love knocks on his door. Either way, I hope it all works out.

You mixed two very different words into the subject. Need and want. A person shouldn't feel like they need anyone. It makes for desperation, which in turn leads to extreme feelings of loneliness, sadness, etc.

But wanting a relationship is not bad, and can be quite good. If done healthily it is the motivating factor to actually get up and do something. Improving your social life, by meeting new people and dating etc.

my 2 girlfriends in the last 3 years have come completely out of the blue. I never expected either to happen. That's the hope I cling on to. There is nobody at all at the moment. Nothing. Zilch. Nobody I am even half interested in.