Time doesn't always make things better

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Mike510

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In May of this year I was engaged to someone I thought and planned to spend my life with. Then I find out she was cheating on me and I get messages from her saying "well sometimes if you love something you have to let it go", or "you could have anyone you want". Those hurt because I didn't want someone else I wanted to spend my life with her and I figured she wanted the same from me. But I found out how easily I could be replaced.

Now it is November it's been 6 months now sense that happened. There still isn't a single day that I don't think about her, wonder if she ever thinks about me but I know it doesn't matter. The thing is I was told after it ended the 3 things that will help me is finding someone else, finding activities to keep your mind busy and time. And what have I done since then, I took a cross country trip, meet a ton of people in different cultures, and I have returned to college. I have gone out on dates with 7 different women. All I find myself doing is bouncing from one person to another because I wont allow myself to develop feelings for someone. Now it's been 6 months and yet it still hurts just the same. I still have to force myself not to cry when I think about her.
 
Hey Mike, I'm really sorry you had something like this happen to you. I've been cheated by a girl I loved before as well and it took me 7 months to get over it, so I totally understand how you feel. What made me get over it was another girl I met, which I came to love even more, because she was miles ahead of the previous one. My point is, since you are having dates, maybe you could start paying more attention to the new women you meet, maybe one of them has more to offer than your ex ever had. You also already realize that you didn't mean all that much to your ex if she cheated on you and then showered you with cliche movie lines to try to justify her actions, which really are beyond justification, especially since you two were engaged. Does this kind of person deserve your thoughts? I think not. At the end of the day, at least you didn't get to be cheated after getting married, so things could definitely had been much worse.
 
Seeker said:
Hey Mike, I'm really sorry you had something like this happen to you. I've been cheated by a girl I loved before as well and it took me 7 months to get over it, so I totally understand how you feel. What made me get over it was another girl I met, which I came to love even more, because she was miles ahead of the previous one. My point is, since you are having dates, maybe you could start paying more attention to the new women you meet, maybe one of them has more to offer than your ex ever had. You also already realize that you didn't mean all that much to your ex if she cheated on you and then showered you with cliche movie lines to try to justify her actions, which really are beyond justification, especially since you two were engaged. Does this kind of person deserve your thoughts? I think not. At the end of the day, at least you didn't get to be cheated after getting married, so things could definitely had been much worse.

Thanks. The problem I have was my ex was very affectionate we would always tell one another how much we love one another and after 2 and a half years 1 day I am suddenly nothing to her. The women I have meet are not like her, the one I am going out with now I am convienced has no respect for me, every time we go out she expects me to pay for her meal does not even offer to pay. Now she wants me to her something because she used all her money on shopping. Before her it was some girl I meet on the first date who wanted to already get married and have children. It hurts me because I feel like I shouldn't even be in these situations I should be with the person I loved.
 
The problem is that you're stuck in the past. You keep talking about the love you USED to have. There is a reason that you write in the past tense, and this is because you have retained the image of the girl from the time she used to love you. You need to realize that this is not the case anymore, and make a conscious decision to lock the door to your past and throw away the key. As for the women you are dating right now, they only take advantage of your wallet because you allow them to do so, ultimately it is up to YOU to stop tolerating this kind of behavior and remove them from your life as soon as possible.
 
Just because it's been 6 months doesn't mean it'll never happen, it takes more time than others for some people but it just reflects the feeling you had towards this person. I don't think you ever forget the relationships that meant a lot to you, I still think about some I had in the past sometimes but it's not something you should dwell on.

You'll find someone again someday.
 
Love takes time to heal when you're hurting so much. (I just quoted a line from a Mariah Carey song) But yeah it will take time, and even when you do find someone new who fills that emptiness inside you may still look back and feel a loss there, someone you loved and cared for betrayed your love and trust. That's not easy to come back from.
 
Sci-Fi said:
Love takes time to heal when you're hurting so much. (I just quoted a line from a Mariah Carey song) But yeah it will take time, and even when you do find someone new who fills that emptiness inside you may still look back and feel a loss there, someone you loved and cared for betrayed your love and trust. That's not easy to come back from.

This.

I realised something though in my experience. If the person I loved kept hurting me over and over again, deliberately, it did make it easier to move on because of the pain. But then it's like one of the two options: less hurt (compared to the next option) for a longer period of time, or a whole lot of hurt (oh and I mean, a whole lot of it) for a shorter period of time. I went through the latter before. Either option still sucks though.

I'm sorry you are still hurting, Mike. Stay strong, I hope you'll be at peace some day sooner rather than later.
 
Time does make things better. It's a different amount of time for different people and for different situations.

I've never been engaged or anything but I fell in love with someone once who I had never met before. I thought we were going to meet and be together forever because I loved him. It didn't work out and it took me almost a year to finally stop feeling sad about it when I thought of him. The first six months I would randomly just cry when I thought of him because I was so fixated on how perfect I thought he was for me. If I had been honest with myself I would have also focused on why he wasn't perfect for me and it would have been easier to move on from it.

Dwelling on things you can't change definitely won't help you get over anything. It's the hardest thing sometimes to just accept how things turn out but it's something you have to do in order to heal. Until then you're just going to make yourself more miserable then you need to be.

I'm sorry you're still so sad about this. I hope you find a way to move on and feel better soon.
 
Running from one person to another puts the brain in 'intimate' mode (whatever, something like that) which IMO is toxic if you really want to get over your ex. What do I know, I've never had a girlfriend, but it seems like common sense. Time doesn't work? Maybe you just need more of it.

Seeker said:
What made me get over it was another girl I met, which I came to love even more, because she was miles ahead of the previous one. My point is, since you are having dates, maybe you could start paying more attention to the new women you meet, maybe one of them has more to offer than your ex ever had.

Disagree, at present diving into new relationships reinforces the OP's need for validation from another.

Seeker said:
You also already realize that you didn't mean all that much to your ex if she cheated on you and then showered you with cliche movie lines to try to justify her actions, which really are beyond justification, especially since you two were engaged. Does this kind of person deserve your thoughts?

Absolutely not, but it can't be as easy easy as resolving not to think about them. She still owns his heart, and probably just as important his self-esteem.
 
Bei said:
Dwelling on things you can't change definitely won't help you get over anything. It's the hardest thing sometimes to just accept how things turn out but it's something you have to do in order to heal. Until then you're just going to make yourself more miserable then you need to be.

So true.
 
*shrug* it took me nearly a year and a half to fully deal with the loss of the last person I had true feelings for. Time DID help, but it took a lot longer than six months. I wouldn't assign a time limit to work through your grief.
 
Hey Mike,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

When I went through my first break up, I was so devastated...and what was worse was I kept in touch with the girl so deep inside i still had feelings for her even though we were just "friends".

I was able to move on from her once I met someone new and formed a new relationship.....and that ended recently as well which shattered my heart.

Some time has passed but the pain doesn't feel any different. Maybe time can help in getting over the past, but most of all you need to realize your own self worth. Realize you're worth more than just someone who can easily be replaced. You are still in love with the girl that you USED to know...she's no longer that girl. People change.

I've learned this the hard way. Sooner you accept it, the better it will for you to move on. As i'm writing this, I realize i need to follow this advice as well. I'm in the same boat as you..in pain.

Also, you're lucky enough to be going on dates again and meeting new women. Don't give up, the right Gem is just waiting for you to find her. You'll have to go through a lot of bs and fake people but keep your head held high and keep trying.

Your past is your past, it will always be there, but realize nothing can change it.

Wish you the best!
 
OP, it's taken me 3 yrs to get over my ex. And I haven't had anyone, or any dependable friends within that time.

The amount of time you need I think is proportionate to amount of love you invested into the person. A mistake a lot of people make, myself included, is putting too much emotion into another. You set yourself up for a bad fall after a breakup.

I can say, based on the few other relationships I've had, that yes, time does heal. "When" is a question not to worry about. But "how" you're gonna occupy your mind is the real question.
 
I disagree with the "people can change" ideology. People don't change - they can adapt for a time, but their personality traits and psychological makeup remains as it always was. Once a cheater, always a cheater is a prime example.

I am really hurting emotionally, having been mislead by a girl I fell deeply in love with. And yet, I couldn't let go. Once she finally admitted that she cannot handle a committed relationship, many months later, it was too late, for feelings and time had been invested. When a relationship ends, it is often done by one partner - the other is left with feelings. It's like toxic waste. You can't get rid of the waste; bury it, cart it away, what have you. It will always be there. The only time I was able to "move on" after a relationship ended (almost 4 years) was 8 years ago. We tried and it just didn't work. i finally admitted that to her, and she agreed - a mutual and expected, natural end. i wish all relationships that do not work out could end this way. BTW, her and I still friends to this day. But that isn't the point of my post...

I had been alone, without any physical or romantic attention from females for nearly 8 years after that when I met my now ex in June of last year. Not that I hadn't been trying before that, but at my age (50) it is very, very difficult to find someone who will be interested and accepting for what you are - not what you "don't have" in this stage of life. i don't have a lot, it seems, based upon the rejections and callous dismissals by women looking for someone. I've only had two real relationships prior to this most recent one - I don't count ones that lasted for a handful of dates. I've heard women talk about guys who've "got game". Well, I never got the instructions. I stumble along. i try to stay positive and upbeat. But it is so, so hard the older you get. I put myself out there. I also have my feet on the ground. A very depressing life event regarding a girl when I was in high school really messed me up. And I've been dealing with that ghost for over 30 years. I just continue to try, but I fail, and I'm reminded of that event all over again.

I'm still trying to cope with what happened this year. The girl I fell in love with. We met in passing years before; she was involved with someone else. It wasn't until we connected on-line that a warm friendship developed last year. We met in person when I was in her town four months later, and I felt like she really understood me. I wasn't worried about what she might think of me, or if she would judge me like a job interviewer, looking for the red flags while sizing up a potential candidate. It's like that for me when trying to meet someone. This girl - nope. She liked me for ME.

We met again for a real "date" soon after, and it was simply magical. This was a good four months after we had been writing and talking to one another almost daily - it wasn't an overnight sensation. and I am very, very careful to guard my feelings. She admitted to me that after her long search (she's a decade younger than I am) that I was "the man for her". I felt wonderful, but still, a little bit guarded. I then went out to stay with her for several days later that same month (November of last year) - and then, it happened - the moment that I knew, yes, that she truly was the girl for me, after my 35 years of loneliness, failures and disappointments. I recall exactly when it happened. Just a moment during my visit, when I looked at her, and she looked at me, softly smiling, right before kissing her.

But it was far from rosy. She had been seeing her ex, at certain times before, and during our involvement. I had no idea, of course, for she told me she was single (i know now that single really means that you are not married - it doesn't mean you are alone, devoid of physical companionship and sexual involvement with someone else). She confessed this a month later. I chalked it up to us being "new" and that, yes, I could accept her and forgive her if she really wanted "us". and she said she did. You can guess what continued form that point on. But it was far, far more emotionally damaging to my confidence and my psyche when her ex boyfriend sent me unsolicited e-mails, telling me what "they" were doing. She told me he was just very possessive and jealous. She was committing to me.

Everything went along great after that. We spent time together. She was my soulmate. I felt so blessed, and lucky! Her parents even liked me!

Until one spring day, I received another unsolicited e-mail. This was from another guy that my GF had dated a couple of years ago. But even tho they were not dating, they were shacking up, according to him, at least three or four times every month. He claimed that he knew what was going on with her and I, and that he felt guilty, but of course, he wouldn't stop his behavior. Why give up free , no-strings sex? It is easy to conduct a charade when you don't live in the immediate vicinity of your significant other. i was planning to move to be with her. We talked about it. and looked forward to that.

The only reason I ever read that e-mail was that only days before, she called me to nervously announce that she was pregnant. i knew right away i wasn't the one, based upon timing. She insisted that I was the only guy she had deep feelings for and that this situation wouldn't have to alter our plans. i was really knocked for a loop. i didn't know what to say. That's when I read that e-mail from one of her friends with benefits. Talk about timing. Everything came crashing down all around me.

Despite this, I still wanted to see her. So I did for a few days, but I could tell she was giving me the "distance" effect loud and clear on our last day. She barely spoke. I thought we could try and work things out. She had been getting help in therapy, and even her ex admitted she cut out all those "other guys" , including him, because she loved me. But she made a mistake getting involved with someone else for a night.

She's moved on. But I am stuck. I am so broken. Of course i would never admit that to her. And I would go back to be with her if I could. Just so I wouldn't cry when I see another couple together, or think of us when we were together, intimate, or just goofing around. some days, I am OK, even though I hurt. Other days, I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and just want to end it. time may heal wounds, but the pain will still be there.
 
Sci-Fi said:
Love takes time to heal when you're hurting so much. (I just quoted a line from a Mariah Carey song) But yeah it will take time, and even when you do find someone new who fills that emptiness inside you may still look back and feel a loss there, someone you loved and cared for betrayed your love and trust. That's not easy to come back from.

EveWasFramed said:
*shrug* it took me nearly a year and a half to fully deal with the loss of the last person I had true feelings for. Time DID help, but it took a lot longer than six months. I wouldn't assign a time limit to work through your grief.

^ What they said, and some of the other posters too. It can take me years to deal with a loss like that. It's hard not to feel like something is wrong with you when people keep telling you to "get over it", like they did to me. But as you can see here, it really is normal grieve, and grieve for a long time. Give yourself the time you need, and no less.
 
ABrokenMan said:
She's moved on. But I am stuck. I am so broken. Of course i would never admit that to her. And I would go back to be with her if I could. Just so I wouldn't cry when I see another couple together, or think of us when we were together, intimate, or just goofing around. some days, I am OK, even though I hurt. Other days, I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and just want to end it. time may heal wounds, but the pain will still be there.

Holy crap. What happened to you sucks beyond belief.
Welcome to the forum also.
 
Thank you. Not to over-take the intent of this thread, but I had wanted to post for some time. Just couldn't find the nerve.
 
ABrokenMan said:
Thank you. Not to over-take the intent of this thread, but I had wanted to post for some time. Just couldn't find the nerve.

You'd be surprised at how many members have gone through similar things. It never fails to amaze me at how awful people can treat one another at times. Im sure plenty of people can sympathize with your plight (myself included).
 
EveWasFramed said:
ABrokenMan said:
Thank you. Not to over-take the intent of this thread, but I had wanted to post for some time. Just couldn't find the nerve.

You'd be surprised at how many members have gone through similar things. It never fails to amaze me at how awful people can treat one another at times. Im sure plenty of people can sympathize with your plight (myself included).

+1
 
Betrayal in love is never easy, but you should know that six months isn't much time at all. Real love doesn't die quickly. Going on dates right after breaking up just puts you on an emotional yo-yo. Why not take some time off, be by yourself for a year or so? When you have worked through it, you'll be in a better frame of mind to find someone.

Also, when you do go looking again, avoid users. They're not good for anybody.
 

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