Married vs. Separated

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onedepressedmom

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So apparently after a small misunderstanding and a joke that was taken the wrong way, I have gone from being married for 17 years to being separated, but living in the same house. I just don't get it. Yeah, we have not been getting along for awhile now, but I did not think that it was that bad! The kids had set him off by saying that they wanted Subway hoagies for dinner and if they could not have them, then he did nothing for them. He got soooo bent out of shape over that, and then would not talk to me because I asked him to please not act like that over something soooooo stupid. I then sent him an email later that night before I went to bed telling him that the kids did not deserve that behavioral meltdown he had. That's when he emailed me the next morning that as far as he was concerned, we might as well just be separated since "I do nothing around here". It doesn't end there obviously because there is more to this story that would take hours to type, but you get the biggest part of it. The argument "broke the camel's back" as they say. He said that he would stay around for the kids, but that was all. I have been through the worst 3 years of my life after many obstacles that caused me to spiral down into it. My depression was at it's all time low last year that I was hospitalized earlier this year. I've had two separate sets of ECT along with several medication changes. He knows that this has been very, very hard for me, yet he has thrown this latest bullshit at me. How do I respond? How do I overcome this and go on? Do I try to fight to get my marriage back? I'm at a loss here! I don't have the motivation to get off the couch most days so this is going to be a real struggle for me. My kids mean the world to me and are the reason why I am still alive. I would not want to hurt them in any way by my actions or lack thereof. Please send me your suggestions and ideas!
 
Hey onedepressedmom, I'm gonna tell you what I think of your husband and please don't misunderstand me if I'm wrong. It seems to me that he has been looking for an excuse to separate with you, because, let's me honest here, no one ever separates from his spouse just because of a joke. Some may say that it might had been a joke too many, but I think he has been pondering separation for quite some time now, and was just looking for the right opportunity to do it.

I won't risk advising you what to do in this situation, as I wouldn't know, never been married, but I will just tell you that I have seen first hand how amazing mothers can become when it comes to the protection of their children, so I know you can raise yourself from the couch and be the best mother you can be for these kids. Their appreciation for all you do for them alone may be enough to make you feel better. ;)
 
Seeker said:
Hey onedepressedmom, I'm gonna tell you what I think of your husband and please don't misunderstand me if I'm wrong. It seems to me that he has been looking for an excuse to separate with you, because, let's me honest here, no one ever separates from his spouse just because of a joke. Some may say that it might had been a joke too many, but I think he has been pondering separation for quite some time now, and was just looking for the right opportunity to do it.

I won't risk advising you what to do in this situation, as I wouldn't know, never been married, but I will just tell you that I have seen first hand how amazing mothers can become when it comes to the protection of their children, so I know you can raise yourself from the couch and be the best mother you can be for these kids. Their appreciation for all you do for them alone may be enough to make you feel better. ;)
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Thanks for your response, and more importantly for the compliment and the vote of confidence!! I don't know if he was looking for an excuse to separate or just a way to threaten me so he can get his own way! I'm sure if you would ask both of us separately we would both say that this marriage leaves a lot to be desired! LOL! Is it enough to break us up?? I don't know, but we would want to do what's best for our kids. I have other health problems along with severe Major Depressive Disorder that would make it difficult for me to keep the house and the kids going without help. I just don't want this to be a strain on our family; our kids deserve better than that!
 
onedepressedmom said:

The kids had set him off by saying that they wanted Subway hoagies for dinner and if they could not have them, then he did nothing for them.
Click to expand...

That would have ticked me off also.
You don't really say WHAT he did/said when they said what they did, so I can't comment on whether or not he was out of line. I can sure tell you that if my daughter said that to me, hell would freeze over before she got Subway, lol.

As far as how you and your husband are getting along...
It seems like both of you have some things you need help and support with and I dont know that either of you are (at this time) capable of letting someone lean on them that hard emotionally. I think you seriously need to consider getting some additional support. Nothing good will come from trying to support each other when neither of you seem emotionally capable of it at this time. Just my two cents.....
 
^Eve, I think you are an awesome mother - lol hell would freeze over. Children need to be educated, yes.
 
just letting you know that im not taking any sides in this. but here is what i can guess from his side.. and as stated above, it could have been a compounded thing.

maybe he has difficulty with pride/worth. maybe he doesnt feel he is appreciated. i definitely have those feelings, can you say im just acting like a little girl? sure. but that does not change that sometimes i feel unappreciated.

i dont know the whole situation with your medical issues the last.. 3? years. perhaps he had to put himself aside even more than the previous years. is it his responsibility? sure it is. should he complain or expect anything in return? probably not. though a few support/thanks here and there to show that he really is the support beam of the household might have been what he needed. yes its a little silly he reacted to his kids (as opposed to if the spouse was the one joking), but think about it this way - if it matters to him, then it matters, no matter how big or small everyone else think it might be. and your email/response to him seemed to just want him to brush it off as its not a big deal. we're all the same. sometimes small, little, and silly things is a big deal to us.
 
Regumika said:
just letting you know that im not taking any sides in this. but here is what i can guess from his side.. and as stated above, it could have been a compounded thing.

maybe he has difficulty with pride/worth. maybe he doesnt feel he is appreciated. i definitely have those feelings, can you say im just acting like a little girl? sure. but that does not change that sometimes i feel unappreciated.

i dont know the whole situation with your medical issues the last.. 3? years. perhaps he had to put himself aside even more than the previous years. is it his responsibility? sure it is. should he complain or expect anything in return? probably not. though a few support/thanks here and there to show that he really is the support beam of the household might have been what he needed. yes its a little silly he reacted to his kids (as opposed to if the spouse was the one joking), but think about it this way - if it matters to him, then it matters, no matter how big or small everyone else think it might be. and your email/response to him seemed to just want him to brush it off as its not a big deal. we're all the same. sometimes small, little, and silly things is a big deal to us.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your reply! I see your point and it has made me think quite differently about the whole situation. I guess that not feeling appreciated is where he was coming from. I think that we give him lots of support and compliments about that though, Maybe he was just having a bad day at work about that and it just ran over after he got home. The funny part about that though is that I have recently had to step up to do lots more around here because of his recent promotion and I have not gotten ANY thanks at ALL for what I've been able to do and overcome. It's been terribly hard for me and basically leaves me physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I know exactly how he feels about not being appreciated so we definitely need to share our feelings about this! Thanks!
 

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