Venting (long read, don't have to read this)

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Senamian

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I've been feeling quite down recently, and I have been keeping it from others (like I usually do...) to the best of my ability.

I'm a bit worried that I do have depression. But I don't want to go see some person who doesn't really give a **** about me as a person, and gets paid to "deal with people like me". I've already dealt with one before, and not by choice either. One session, and she was a right out ***** to me telling me that if I "took better care of myself, MAYBE I would ACTUALLY have some friends rather than causing issues at home".

I find it hard to bring it up to my spouse, not because I don't want to talk about things with him, it's because I have never been good with putting it into words, and leaving a letter or text only causes me to rethink sending/leaving it, or causes me to fret. It used to be easy (before we dated, and the beginning of our relationship) to tell him anything.

I cannot talk to my family because they are naturally judgemental and "secrets" tend to be "now everyone knows, 'oops'". Only family member I could talk to without fear of hate, judgement, or everyone knowing... Passed away before she was even 30.

I don't have friends in my area, as most moved away or those I once considered friends I realized to be people I wanted nothing to do with.

_____________________

Because of previous relationships where I was cheated on, and especially the previous one where I was literally left standing outside a family member's home (who was not even home), and without family that night, my phone died, and not even an ounce of remorse from the one who stranded me from home...

Since then I have had the unwanted fear of abandonment/being used. I don't want to feel this way, I hate it, and I don't want to drag down yet another relationship with the crap they have to put up with.

___________________

Because I have moved 6 times in the last year, I lost everything that practically kept me sane. Routine did not exist... My hobby had to be given away because of being shuffled to different places to live... I had to give up everything that mattered to me.

It doesn't help that I cannot handle stress... Or emotions for that matter. I was never taught to. I grew up with "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" along with "I don't want to hear it" sided with "Stop your bitching, no one cares!" statements. I ended up learning the unhealthy "bottle it up" behavior, which is very hard to reverse.

Because of this, I explode in small angry bouts... I don't mean to. I don't want to. It just... Happens. And because of this, and my inability to talk about things I caused the one person I cared about SO much... To leave me standing at the doorstep of a relative's house... Who wasn't home. No one was home. No one was in town. That same day while at work, I was so distracted with how STUPID I had been, that I wrote the longest letter describing all my fears, explaining everything... Telling him how much I needed him to help me. I couldn't do it alone. As I sat in his car, after he told me he moved out while I was at work... He wouldn't hear anything of it. Didn't want to read it, or hear me say it. It was too late.

I don't really remember that night. Except that... No one can claim they have felt true emptiness; true loneliness. You cannot feel the true cold empty feeling of loneliness until you have lost what made you complete.

_____________________________________

So I moved. three times. A feeling of... "All well. Who cares? Nothing is getting better, and it sure as Hell cannot get worse!" stayed with me.

At this point I did not WANT to be in "yet another relationship where it will just end the same way". I had already learned from the previous relationship that I did tend to say no a lot... so when he offered to hang out, and have a few drinks, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and said yes (and surprised him with that!).

He brought up the fact he could read me like a book. I never had someone like that. Never met someone like that. He pointed out that though I "behaved" relaxed, this was a cover for the fact I was tense, unsure, and uncomfortable. He noticed this moreso when he would sit next to me. He noticed how... I push people away, and that I built myself walls so I wouldn't have to let anyone in.

I visited him a couple days in a row...
Hearing him explain to me, that he knew this... And when he told me, "I can see you were hurt before - wait, you lost someone you loved a lot?" At this point, he must have already figured out what to say to take down those walls, and he constantly pushed my comfort zone, to show he was not going to hurt me.

I ended up spending a night with him... For some reason, I couldn't hold back my sudden fear... And I started to cry. It wasn't because of him - it was because I was afraid. Afraid of something starting, and being so used to the norm... I feared if it started, it would end. Like it always does...

He left the choice up to me, what would happen next. My brother did influence it a bit... He saw how unsure I was, but he also noticed how intent HE was, on making sure things worked out and that I was not being pressured. He also pointed out, that he could tell he was a good guy. He mentioned how my previous boyfriend... He was a "good guy" but... Only as a friend. He saw a lot more in him...

____________________________________________________

But I still have fears. Even more now... I'm pregnant, due in January... and so SO worried that now I am bringing a kid into a potentially broken home if honeysuckle goes downhill. I'd love to stay with him, for good. I want my kid to have a good home, with BOTH parents...

And it's just my previous fears that are causing this one. Being used to cheaters... And having been literally abandoned before... I'm scared of it. I feel paranoid, and I don't have a "backup plan". I know where he is, what he does... I don't NEED to feel this way and I do...

I've realized recently I have been having the stupid little "anger spews", so I have been paying a lot more attention to how I feel, and how I react (and it is NOT easy!). I've been making myself more comfortable with saying "I love you". The reason I have not said it to him very much is not because I don't want to... It's because I'm used to what HAS happened with other relationships, and the fear that those three words just fall on deaf ears...

I just really don't want to feel overwhelmed anymore... We settled down in a home we OWN, so I know I can rebuild a routine (once I get into it)... I still feel stressed, and worried.
 
Hey Senamian, contrary to your wishes, i did read the whole thing, and I have to say that this is quite the story.

I don't really know what to say to you, though, other than try to give this whole thing, both him and the baby, as much of a chance that you can. Sometimes it's better to dive in head-first and risk experiencing disappointment, if the possible reward is high. I'd say take the bet. ;)
 
Senamian said:
I've been feeling quite down recently, and I have been keeping it from others (like I usually do...) to the best of my ability.

I'm a bit worried that I do have depression. But I don't want to go see some person who doesn't really give a **** about me as a person, and gets paid to "deal with people like me". I've already dealt with one before, and not by choice either. One session, and she was a right out ***** to me telling me that if I "took better care of myself, MAYBE I would ACTUALLY have some friends rather than causing issues at home".

You have the right to ask the clinic to supply with you a different therapist. There ARE some really bad apples out there. I had one too, though she wasn't as bad as yours. That behavior is very unethical and she sounds like she just got fresh out of high school. >_>

Understand that loneliness is not always related to or the cause of depression, though it will use your sadness as a source of "power". There can be underlying factors.
 
Of course I am giving everything a chance lol it's just the fears that are getting to me that... If it didn't work out now it's not just the adults who get hurt, but a kid too!

Only issue with therapists is I don't like talking to strangers. Never really have. I know the depression isn't from loneliness but all the crap I have had to deal with and the inability to handle such things... Since I was never shown how. I didn't even know how to do taxes because no one showed me. So I had to do two years of taxes last year :/ I didn't know that for bills (electricity and gas) they require a deposit beforehand... So I got behind fast! You'd think I would have been taught this before I moved out lol.

These last two years have been extremely tough, and things happened that I would not wish upon anyone.


I also forgot, that shortly after my sister in law passed, with the one relationship failing (I felt a lot of pressure to perform things I didn't want!), I ended up going through I guess what you would call a stress snap... The next morning when I woke up I immediately realized something was off. I could not remember why I had been pushed over the edge the day before. I didn't remember where I even left my keys (same spot all the time, top of dresser, right hand front corner). I didn't remember some names, important dates... I forgot who some people were... And at work I forgot what I was doing or supposed tob do after about five minutes... Took me a whole year to exercise my memory (Free Flow game (app), helped, word searches, matching cards, etc). I still have minor forgetfulness but it's reasonable lol.

I even had to get my friend to jolt memories of the past; even ones that I did not want to remember. Since my timelines were so messed up, he kind of had to, which did help get most in order.
 
*hugs* I wish I could bring over some cupcakes for you.. for some reason. Maybe cos they can be comforting?

I think I can kinda relate to how you have these fears. There so much uncertainty in life, and when you've been hit with so much negativity most of the time growing up, it's only normal to worry that something negative would happen again - why not.

But I guess as humans, all we can really do is either take the risk or not. To have faith in something we choose to do or the things that happen in our lives and to try and think positive but also to be prepared mentally that it's not always going to be a bed of roses in life.

I hope you can find some peace at least, you sound like a really nice person who should be surrounded with peace and not so much of these fears and worries. Some is healthy, I guess. But take care all right and I'm glad you could write all that out, hopefully you feel better after having done so. :)
 
And that guy of yours sounds like a nice guy...... I'm sure you can be happy to have him!
 
I sure am happy to have him. Considering he has put up with me... Considering my similar behavior messed up my last relationship... He's got a lot of patience. Our communication could be improved, but the fact he hasn't cheated, lied, or given up. I've focused more on how I feel, and avoiding how I have been so used to reacting.
 
Hoorah! More venting/ranting.

I had a curious question. Already had my blood drawn, tested for glucose and stuff. That's fine. All these tests have been "unremarkable" and perfect across the board. Not low or high for anything, and everything is A'OK.

Suddenly, I "have to" do a gestational diabetes test... For those who do not know what that is... It is where you eat the blandest foods for the day/night beforehand that do not have sugar or high water content. Right... Then you sugar shock your body, and stay there for an hour. They take a test to see how well your body has dealt with this. If you fail, you go in for a 2-3 hour test, the same way. If you are a smidge over, you are plastered with "gestational diabetes" and honeysuckle rolls downhill faster.

I am not older, not over weight, not under weight, this is my first baby, I do not have history of GD, or have any family history of diabetes. I am literally a low risk person. On top of that, since I eat fairly healthy and do drink a lot of water... I should technically have no issue with it.

So, I asked a question in a group: "Can you technically refuse the test if you feel you do not need to have it done, as you are low risk?"

Answers: "Why wouldn't you get it done? You're putting yourself and your baby at risk."
"Just do it and get it over with."
"Why would you refuse it?"
"Even the healthiest people can get it."

What. The. fresia. Seriously. It is a goddamn black and white question; aka a yes or no question. I don't need to be put down, or have people attempt (and FAIL) at guilt tripping me. All I felt, reading a lot more than just THOSE replies... Is "why the fresia do I bother asking?" If all that happens is me feeling alienated... Why DO I bother?!

As a note, of course I have the right to say "hell no." to most if not all of the tests. But why do people have to mount their high horse, and trample you, for asking a **** question?! Do they get off on being rude?! Is it a "get a dollar for every person you make miserable" game?!
 
Senamian said:
I had a curious question. Already had my blood drawn, tested for glucose and stuff. That's fine. All these tests have been "unremarkable" and perfect across the board. Not low or high for anything, and everything is A'OK.

Suddenly, I "have to" do a gestational diabetes test... For those who do not know what that is... It is where you eat the blandest foods for the day/night beforehand that do not have sugar or high water content. Right... Then you sugar shock your body, and stay there for an hour. They take a test to see how well your body has dealt with this. If you fail, you go in for a 2-3 hour test, the same way. If you are a smidge over, you are plastered with "gestational diabetes" and honeysuckle rolls downhill faster.

I am not older, not over weight, not under weight, this is my first baby, I do not have history of GD, or have any family history of diabetes. I am literally a low risk person. On top of that, since I eat fairly healthy and do drink a lot of water... I should technically have no issue with it.

So, I asked a question in a group: "Can you technically refuse the test if you feel you do not need to have it done, as you are low risk?"

Answers: "Why wouldn't you get it done? You're putting yourself and your baby at risk."
"Just do it and get it over with."
"Why would you refuse it?"
"Even the healthiest people can get it."

What. The. fresia. Seriously. It is a goddamn black and white question; aka a yes or no question. I don't need to be put down, or have people attempt (and FAIL) at guilt tripping me. All I felt, reading a lot more than just THOSE replies... Is "why the fresia do I bother asking?" If all that happens is me feeling alienated... Why DO I bother?!

As a note, of course I have the right to say "hell no." to most if not all of the tests. But why do people have to mount their high horse, and trample you, for asking a **** question?! Do they get off on being rude?! Is it a "get a dollar for every person you make miserable" game?!

My X had GD and the test didn't require any special "bland" restrictions. It was a simply midnight fast , then an early morning test (wasn't even 8 hours). The second test seems like a huge waste , as most "real" medical professionals accept the OGTT results.

She refused the test with the second kid and just monitored and actually listened to me and ate more dense proteins, and kept a bottle of orange juice with her at all times, all was good , but she was low not high.
 
My X had GD and the test didn't require any special "bland" restrictions. It was a simply midnight fast , then an early morning test (wasn't even 8 hours). The second test seems like a huge waste , as most "real" medical professionals accept the OGTT results.

She refused the test with the second kid and just monitored and actually listened to me and ate more dense proteins, and kept a bottle of orange juice with her at all times, all was good , but she was low not high.

Apparently for me it does require silly requirements lol. Seems like it is different all the time, depending on the doctor.

I did read up on it (extensively) and apparently there is a high chance of false positives. How silly is that? It seems to me it can be a useless test, cause more worry, and overall just is not needed as long as you keep yourself healthy and they just monitor anything that seems "off".

It's like the Rubella shot. "After you give birth you HAVE to get this test since you are a smidge below "immune".

Um, no. I don't. I should have the shot 10 years after my first shot, aka I have 4 years to go...

I also have to find out if this hospital is strict on "movement". By that I mean if I'll be forced to lay/sit in whatever uncomfortable position that makes their job easier, or if they will allow me to walk/sit/lay/rock or whatever I feel is needed to be more comfortable. I don't even like hospitals... Or doctors. Let alone strange doctors in a strange hospital :p
 
Personally I'd say f**k off , get a meter and strips (way to many companies giving them buggers away these days) , and only head back to them if you get consistent high results that you can't adjust through diet.

I really think it's all too wash their hands in the case of complications if they give you insulin.



As to the rubella , how else are they going to get toxins (mercury) into our systems so that we create/mutate problems that they in check will make a nice paycheck "fixing".


I HATE doctors , I respect lawyers far more. The lawyer goes into their field knowing they'll be viewed as an ******* , where as a doctor , who may have started out with good intentions , becomes a hypocritical pill pushing asshat .
 
Exactly!! All of them here are pill pushers... I have had asthma attacks. "acid reflux" says a doctor... -_- I also have an issue with some nurses being rude and pushy for some women.

Way I put it... I am pregnant not broken!! And my irritability is only going to heighten when my baby does come.
 
Is it just my imagination or for relationships, flirting ends after a while? As if compliments and flirting become irrelevant because it is "not" needed?

I'm just wondering. I mean I still try, but it doesn't even get a reaction.
 
Senamian said:
Is it just my imagination or for relationships, flirting ends after a while? As if compliments and flirting become irrelevant because it is "not" needed?
I'm just wondering. I mean I still try, but it doesn't even get a reaction.
No, it`s not your imagination. :(
And Hi, Senamian. We`re paired for the Christmas Card Exchange I look forward to. (Hug&smile)
I read the whole thread. Memories flash back. Good and bad ones. Even traumatic ones, like when I almost died at childbirth, under professional medical care in the hospital. But I don`t want to go into the negative, pessimist and depressing area, because January is approaching and you need all the energy, inner balance and positive stuff you can get, in order to have supplies for the afterbirth period.
Keep writing. You have a wonderful style, I almost feel like a child listening to bedtime stories after being tucked in. There`s something special about you, I can`t exactly describe it, but it is a feeling of warmth and embracing nature. And this is my impression after reading only this thread with posts of yours.
The thought of your precious baby inside you makes me smile. and happy.
I`m glad we got paired for the Card Exchange. And thank you for writing this thread. :)

(Maybe I`ll write the story of my life someday and publish it, even if it may open up old and recent wounds...it`ll certainly make a multiple volumes one...or maybe I should leave everything untold, who knows? *sigh*)
 
Aww thanks Zero.

Lol well there is a lot I left untold :p one thing of which I mind as well start a new thread for (you'll see why once I make in under "journals".)

Well I am hoping everything does get a bit better. Stress topped with these vile hormones is terrible!!

However, I finally found my cord for my headphones, as without music it makes everything worse. This headset blocks out absolutely all sound and unlike cheapy pairs this one doesn't hurt my ears (I am so sensitive to pitches - 18-21Hz to be exact!)

I also broke down. Between feeling useless (I know I could not lift that air conditioner to get it put away...) and feeling like a "burden" having to ask him to do it for me (which he really didn't want to have to move it and made that clear!), the cat pissing me off (She hates me. Absolutely hates the one who (no longer) feeds and cared for her when she was sick!!!), the dog being in pain from her spay and whining (not her fault her whining hurts my ears... Hence the thankfullness of finding my headphone cord...), my hip being out, having a headache - and no Tylenol... That night was not a good night.

And to me, it seems the cat can "do no wrong" in his eyes. So topping that with him (obviously not meaning to) making me feel like I was such a burden trying to get him to move crap out of the way... I had enough. And unfortunately this isn't summer.... I usually take a long (LONG) walk with my music, and not talking to ANYONE. So I ended up "going to bed".

Apparently that did get a reaction.. Because he realized I was feeling like crap, and came to check on me. Kind of did give some relief that at least he noticed. (imagine how depressing it would have been if he didn't care to check on me...?)

On a side note the living room/dining room is finally tidy. Less annoying to be in my house now. :p
 
New rant!!

Okay, so... For some reason I had the notion of looking up "iguana" on kijiji (for you non Canadians, it's a Craigslist for Canada since the actual Canada Craigslist consists of sketchy, scary and scummy people... o_o)

Why? I don't even WANT an iguana. Well, it turns out... I must of had a subconscious little voice calling out, because when I did I came across two very special, particular iguanas.

These fellas... Are Desert Iguanas. But not just ANY desert iguanas. These fellas have a backstory that I know personally. They were wild caught, imported, and sold as a pair... A pair of MALES. For 5 years they lived together with tolerance. They were fed only a carnivorous diet, whereas they are STRICT herbivores. They came to a reptile rescue (home based) that I helped out with, where we tried ever so hard to reverse the 5 years of bad diet and care.

viigjo.jpg


Two years later, they are up for sale. And I found them by randomly searching something I otherwise would not... These are MY boys! :( At least they have UVB, heat... But are still fed mealworms, and even kale (for non-reptile keepers, kale binds calcium which can cause metabolic bone disease and other issues due to the lowered ability to absord calcium).

24y4enr.jpg


These guys are now approximately7-8 years old... Old!!! I feel they deserve to live the rest of their lives comfortable, and well cared for. They've spent so long with improper care... It sucks people don't comprehend the idea of RESEARCHING!!!!! You don't go out and buy rabbit pellets for a cat, because you KNOW they should not be eating that. So why would you blindly buy an animal, and not know how to care for them?? But, that is just me...

The good side of this, I pick them up Friday or Saturday evening.
 
Senamian said:
Is it just my imagination or for relationships, flirting ends after a while? As if compliments and flirting become irrelevant because it is "not" needed?

I'm just wondering. I mean I still try, but it doesn't even get a reaction.

No surprise. Every relationship gets stale after a while. The challenge is to keep things fresh. The husband needs to try, too.

Incidentally, you really do need to relax sometimes. My mental state definitely started improving once I realized that chaos is an inevitable part of life. The only way to have a nice, orderly, routine existence is to be born as a member of an ant colony. Humans, unfortunately, are not ants & want far more novelty & individuality than is necessary. It's how they are. So every person's life has a certain amount of disappointment, drama, & deception built in, guaranteed. The best we can do is prepare as best we can, & not worry about the things we can't control.

It also sounds like your area has more lousy doctors than most places.
 
But for me routine helps. I have always been this way. "go with the flow" does not work for me all the time. Not everything is routine - but certain things are. I can't just change who I am - as much as I am sure some people would love for me to do so (explanation up ahead).

And yes this place sucks lol. Our doctors don't care (and if you find one that does don't let them go!!)

Work, sucks. I am glad I am gone soon. I am starting to find my patience severely depleted. I have to work with one person who decided to tell me that my tone of voice sounds like I am talking to a child. I'm sorry, next time I will talk SARCASTICALLY. That'll really make you feel better right? I'm sorry that I grew up like lots of kids did - learning phrases, tone of voice, and even facial expressions from someone who raised me. And yes, she also does the same - the softer, gentler, talk that you would use with kids. It's not a "you're ******* stupid" tone, it's turning into "this is the last of my patience", which is exactly what my mother used to do. It's a failed attempt to not outright say "No, you ARE wrong."

On top of it apparently her confusing the fresia out of me with just being completely ditsy yesterday.... Means I am apparently starting to lose my memory because I am PREGNANT. Bull. honeysuckle. It hurt worse considering I HAVE lost my **** memory before, and I have fought two years to regain what I lost. It is NOT something you ******* joke about! Ever!

And just because you cannot keep your mind on the same track does not make me the one not using their brain(example, she she asked me a vague question that I could not answer due to her not telling me what she was doing.). And mocking me in front of customers? Hell no!

Why do people feel it is okay to mock others? I did not say much this time.... But next time it happens, I will be saying a LOT more. I'm done being treated like a retard, or a child, or like I don't know anything. I have to deal with random people being ********. And I can. Why? Chances are I will not see them again or in a long time. Hard to do that with someone who works in the same department as you.
 
Senamian said:
Why do people feel it is okay to mock others? I did not say much this time.... But next time it happens, I will be saying a LOT more. I'm done being treated like a retard, or a child, or like I don't know anything. I have to deal with random people being ********. And I can. Why? Chances are I will not see them again or in a long time. Hard to do that with someone who works in the same department as you.

echo that. :( I could write a novel about it both in my private life as well as at work. When reading this I remembered my colleague who is a crazy hysteric, that everybody goes out of the way only to avoid dealing with her because of her reactions. And yet, I have to share the same office with her. She is just one example. ... I`d better stop before I start ranting myself (doh, I`m already angry). It IS a mad, mad world.
How are the iguanas? How are YOU and the baby? (Hug)
 

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