Broken and Suicidal...

My story is one of those unbelievable ones. My sister and I were sexually abused by my father when we were younger. When my mother found out about it she didn't do anything. When I was in college the repressed memories of what happened to me started flooding back and I got on cocaine. Every time I snorted a line it would numb the pain, but of course I would have a bad come down. I somehow managed to graduate college and went to Africa to teach. I changed my life around and wanted to become a better person. I have traveled around the world volunteering as a way of my own drug rehabilitation.
I met the woman of my dreams and she and I have been together for the past 11 years. The depression I continue to suffer from my family and the head games that they play continue to hurt me and our relationship. Our sex life is broken, our communication is low, but we both love each other. I don't know what to do about the broken person inside of me. I have attempted to seek counseling on 3 or 4 separate occasions in my life and each counselor has let me down by either not caring, or passing me off as just a number. I am to the point where I feel that I want to die. I feel that my partner wouldn't suffer depression if it wasn't for me and my messed up family. The sadder part of all of this is my dad was a Pastor. Being a Pastor's daughter leaves you feeling lonely, unable to talk to anyone because keeping a "good image" is always important. Now, I will turn 35 this December and I feel so broken still. I wake up everyday with pain in my heart. Everyday I think about suicide. It isn't so much that I want to die, I just want the pain to stop. It hurts me so bad. I dare not go back to drugs because I have come so far. I even managed to get a Masters degree. None of my accomplishments seem to matter with all of the sadness I am stuck in. I do have some good days, but most days I am treading water, trying to keep my head above. I am so lonely and I feel like damaged goods. I want to have a baby before my "window" closes. I have on purpose not had a child thus far because I didn't want to damage my child. Being a mom is important to me. I just feel like everything is passing me by and no one understands me. I don't know what to do or what I expect to hear from any of you, but this is another attempt to reach out to the world, to try to find reasons to stay here.

Please stay. I don't like reading posts like yours, what can I do or say to make things better for you?

But welcome to this site, there are some great people here. We have some laughs, share our thoughts, have a few squabbles, but it is a good place - so join in and hopefully you'll meet some good people, maybe some new friends and things will start getting better.

Congrats on the Masters degree, that really is something, and it sounds like you know where you want to be, but not quite how to get there or leave the baggage you collected on the way.

Good luck.

Thank you, Edward! I think that is the problem trying to find out how to leave the baggage, and feeling unloved by my family. Like how could anyone let this happen to your child and then pretend nothing ever happened? I will definitely mingle and try to make some friends here. Thanks again!

Welcome to the forum, man.

If someone only knew the outline of your life, they may have thought it was perfect. Masters degree, a long-standing relationship, etc etc. But of course, we both know that sometimes these things are not enough for a fulfilled and healthy life. The good thing about you is that you are aware of what your problems are exactly. So, I would say try to work on that, it's a huge advantage that you have someone to stand by you in that, not all people do. Don't think that you hurt her either, the fact that she's still here shows that she really cares about you. Suicide was never the solution, try leaving the past behind, no matter how painful it is and some day things are bound to get better. These things take time, but they have a way of eventually resolving.

All the best to you

Please be strong. I know that's easy for me to say but I wanted it all to go away too earlier this year. Different story of course, but emotional pain is like nothing else.

Please be strong.

Seeker,

I think that was part of the problem, too. Everyone looked on the outside and always felt I had together when there was nothing further from the truth. I am lucky to have someone who loves me but I know it is wearing on her and I am trying to get it together. Believe it or not it does make me feel not so alone having you all to talk to you. Thank you for responding to me

Seeker said:

Welcome to the forum, man.

If someone only knew the outline of your life, they may have thought it was perfect. Masters degree, a long-standing relationship, etc etc. But of course, we both know that sometimes these things are not enough for a fulfilled and healthy life. The good thing about you is that you are aware of what your problems are exactly. So, I would say try to work on that, it's a huge advantage that you have someone to stand by you in that, not all people do. Don't think that you hurt her either, the fact that she's still here shows that she really cares about you. Suicide was never the solution, try leaving the past behind, no matter how painful it is and some day things are bound to get better. These things take time, but they have a way of eventually resolving.

All the best to you

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Seosa,

I am hanging in there. You can always talk to or pm me, too if you every need someone to talk to. I am here and if I can help someone then I feel worth.qwa2s2s212wqaw

Seosa2 said:

Please be strong. I know that's easy for me to say but I wanted it all to go away too earlier this year. Different story of course, but emotional pain is like nothing else.

Please be strong.

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LonelyStar78 said:

Believe it or not it does make me feel not so alone having you all to talk to you. Thank you for responding to me

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I think thats why this site is here, or how I see it anyway. A good place where you don't have to be lonely.

*hugs* I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. I wish you didn't meet those types of counsellors who really just gave you horrible experiences. I'm not sure but there are some professionals who do help.. I guess it's luck? And I don't know, are there reviews of therapists before selecting one to talk to about your problems? I don't know.. but just that the one and only therapist I did consult helped me.. so I don't know if you should give up entirely in finding someone to talk to. I hate to see how your unfortunate past haunts you in your present day.. it's really not fair. Hope you will find a way to get through this and find what you're looking for sooner rather than later.

I am very sorry to hear about all this. I can relate to you in a way, coz i was suicidal too at some point, for a different reason though. You know, the biggest truth is that everyone is going to hurt you, you got to find the ones worth suffering for! Your family is not worth it. I understand that its not something easy to do but lucky you are that you have a faithful partner. You can spend hours and hours analyzing your situation, thinking, what could-have, would-have happened but trust me, its not going to change your past or your family. You have to move past it, for yourself and your partner. There are some good therapists. Hope you find one soon. One of the ways to avoid having negative thoughts is not to have enough leisure.
Please don't quit! Find reasons to live for, have a baby, excel in your career, be a rock for your partner.

Welcome to the forum, stay around bud

Welcome & STAY !

I recently recommended an informative site on suicide, hope it expands knowledge and justifies your life that is worth saving !

http://lostallhope.com/

Hello Lonelystar78, please, please, please do not kill yourself. You sound like such a sensitive, loving and gentle person and you have gone through so much and yet have achieved so much as well.
I was sexually abused at 13 by my uncle when he was staying with us for several months and my mum (it was her brother) did nothing either when I told her, and I had to defend myself alone-barricade my bedroom door ect. And I still feel dirty, even though intellectually I know I am not as I was the victim. So I know where you are coming from psychologically.
Is there a group you could go to for other survivors of sexual abuse? Or is there an online group you could join?
Maybe, if there is a group locally, your partner could go with you to get more ideas on how to help and support you.
I know that it took many, many years before I could stand being touched afterwards.

Thank you all so very much! I am going to move past my family and move into a new future. You all with your few comments have helped me so very much. I am going to be looking for ways to help others up here like you all have helped me. It is hard, but I do believe in overcoming my issues. I am truly trying and will continue to try to be a positive person that just happens to have a story. *hugs to all*

It's good to read you so positive, and hopefully you continue that way only to improve and feel a lot lot better. I hope to find someday that someone who has that word of light for me too, before it's too late.

I wish you the best!

After you move on and feel comfortable enough, you could write about your life and past experiences. Some say that's therapeutic and you'd also be giving other people hope when they see what you went through and survived. Just and idea.