How long can a person live like this?

I feel really fragile right now. I biked around the sunny city looking at all the people and wished that someone who speak to me. I sat on a park bench, two boys biked pasted, one yelled out to me “hey bike chick, what up?” We smiled at each other as he wizzed past. I wished they had stopped to talk. The guy at the comic book store spoke with me too. I spent nearly a half an hour combing the selves for the prefect escapism. He asked me what I was looking for. I replied that I wanted to find “something with a unique drawing style that’s existential.” He started at me confused. “Existential drawing style?? This may be something you have in your head.”
“No I mean the writing is existential.”
I then continued to explain that I had seen this book two weeks ago with a white cover and strange drawings with screen tones…. He stared at me even more baffled. While, I was speaking to him I knew I wasn’t making any sense… so I just stopped and apologized. I wished he hadn’t spoken to me.

I rarely speak to anyone other than my boyfriend these days. I’ve been dating him for 6 years, it’s not easy. He’s handsome, smart, funny, great at guitar, incredibly logical, has just graduated from college, has a good job, and he says he love me. Things should be perfect, but he’s my only friend and we rarely have sex (it’s weird). I have no one else to talk to, no one else to do things with. He has a small group of friends that he hangs out with. He rarely invites me, I can understand, he wants his own life. I’m jealous though. Often I feel like he just hangs out with me when no one else is around. When do hang out its watching a movie… or sleeping. He’s graduating from college and to celebrate he’s bringing some friends to his aunts cape house… I’m not invited. I feel bad. He has forgotten my birthday the last 2 years. I feel like I not a valued person. I look at how I’m looked at in the world and I realize, it’s true…. I live in my parents house, I have no friends, I’m dyslexic and after 5 years of college no marketable skills. I’m 23… my life is going no where.

Often I tell myself that I should help people less fortunate than myself. I see the state of the world and it makes me miserable. I done a lot of volunteering, I happy to help, but I don’t feel like I’m making any kind of real difference for people. I can see that the real problems stem from hirer up and my volunteering is like putting a tiny Band-Aid on someone who badly needs surgery. I feel helpless. I can’t even help myself. I cry all the time. Sometimes for no reason.

I’m majoring in art education. I made two friends in college, and both have moved away. I really thought college would be a place where I would meet lots of people and I’d find my sense of worth in life. It didn’t happen. I joined clubs, volunteering groups, the choir and nothing worked. I made a few acquaintances but nothing stuck. I’m not shy, but I have trouble saying what I want to say to people. It’s hard for me to think on the spot. I get uncomfortable in long conversations because I almost never have them. But I’m not afraid of people, I will talk if someone talks to me. In brief interactions people seem to like me. It’s just that I’m incredibly average… I give average conversations and I have an average appearance… and yet I don’t fit in anywhere. I want to say that there is something special about me, but there isn’t. I want to say there is a place for me, but I don’t think there is.

My family is a mess. No one talks to each other. It is understood by everyone in the family that my mother has a mental illness. She has no job and sits at the computer all day long looking up conspiracies theories. Some of the stuff she digs up I believe, but most I don’t… (crap like vampires are real, the government is using invisible spray machines to mind control us, demons live under our house). We hardly speak. My dad has shut down. He only talks business to me, with the occasional ***** about mom.

I think about killing myself everyday. Actually tried to do it once. I hung myself with a synthetic belt. Clearly nothing happened. I blacked out and the belt broke. I ended up on the floor, alive. That was eight years ago. I thought things would get better. I really wanted them to. I don’t know what to do now. I just keep waking up everyday… How long can a person live like this?

I don't understand your boyfriend...if he loved you that much he would take you with him.

I understand the not talking to people...you just want to cry out 'someone talk to me' but for the fear and self conscience that would follow it.

I cannot promise anything...I cannot say things will get better...all I can say is that if you ever need someone to moan at, talk to, contact, then I will always be here for you. That is me down to a tee. I help others because it fills my time...but it allows me to consider how lucky I actually am.

If you need me then shout me.

Hi Liz, glad you're here, hope it helps in some way, you are not alone.

That's the horrible thing about meeting people, isn't it? No one ever comes around when you are desperate for human contact. But when you are feeling alright, suddenly people start talking to you. (Where were those people days/months/years ago, right?)

... I'm new here, too, but this seems at the very least like a nice place to get to vent and hear people's opinion. I'll leave out the relationship advice here, except to say that you deserve to get treated better than that.

Welcome Liz

I see little bits and pieces of my existence all over your story. Similar place, different path, if it could be called that.

I hope your interest in the arts includes writing. There is something rather appealing about the style your story is written in.

Drugged up on tv. and comic books
Too much media
Can’t think
So many big things
Much bigger than me
I am so small
But still not that small
So many small things, much smaller than me
I feel helpless,
I feel possibilities,
I feel hopeless,
l feel hope,
So many images,
Which ones are the right ones to look at?
Watched hours of some dumb tv show just to keep the edge off
How do I know so many people I’ve never spoken to… that aren’t even real?
Hours upon hours spent alone,
Its so quiet
Its so loud
How can there be so many people in this world?
I want inanimate objects to talk to me.
Do things exist outside of my eyes?
Is the world invented as I see it?
I want to say something profound.
I want to impress others and myself with my profoundness…
I’m not very profound.
It seems that all my thoughts have already been thought.
I find comfort in the fact that others have thought my thoughts though.
It makes me feel less alone.
I like entering into someone else’s ideas and letting them take over me.
I don’t appreciate things enough.

Thanks to those who wrote me... It feels good to be herd.
-liz

Liz said:

My family is a mess. No one talks to each other. It is understood by everyone in the family that my mother has a mental illness. She has no job and sits at the computer all day long looking up conspiracies theories. Some of the stuff she digs up I believe, but most I don’t… (crap like vampires are real, the government is using invisible spray machines to mind control us, demons live under our house). We hardly speak. My dad has shut down. He only talks business to me, with the occasional ***** about mom.

I think about killing myself everyday. Actually tried to do it once. I hung myself with a synthetic belt. Clearly nothing happened. I blacked out and the belt broke. I ended up on the floor, alive. That was eight years ago. I thought things would get better. I really wanted them to. I don’t know what to do now. I just keep waking up everyday… How long can a person live like this?

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oh ,dear....LEAVE HIM...and move on.
maybe guys dont talk to u cause they know u have a boyfriend...which isnt a boyfriend anymore
I think he is ur problem. Maybe ppl who want to be ur friends think that ur already hang out with ur boyfriends crowd.
Maybe sounds cruel but i think once u get rid of him---more opportunities will open
And i think when next time some one sais :"hey bike chick, whats up?"...u should answer. Maybe he actually wanted to meet u.
Sometimes u meet ppl starting with jokes. Actually its the best way.

...6 years..no sex...looks like getting nowhere...
Get rid of him. It aint gonna get better, believe me. Been there done that...and never regreted it.

perhaps the relationship you described above is a form of 'open relationship' 'open marriage' 'free love' or something like that, without you even realizing it.

I did that type of 'open relationship' ten years ago, it was sometimes strange, sometimes hurting (to myself and others) but someway it was also okay-feel because I was lacking commitment to any girlfriend. would it last for long, in fact - I couldn't bear it too long, while some friends still run their family life in that manner. I didn't realize that I did those things until recently, it was a reflection from my friend, a musician, opened my mind to these thoughts...

he said to me, 'you know, public people/person, like me for instance, does not belong to families, or wife, or kids... instead we belong to the crowd... we face a world of our own (he means the 'stage' world - with producers, fellow artists, entertainment/art journalists, people around the scenes, tightly scheduled-touring, etc.). we must survive, we must succeed there. I think my family knows next to nothing about me, and I won't tell them much about it because they won't understand either...'

relationship is a form of social arrangement, and relating with a person who is always busy outside often hard. type-compatibility does matter to make relationship work.

It's a cruel world. Life isn't logical. Today I logged on 'a lonely life for the first time in maybe 2 years?
I feel crap. Family ignore me. I feel small, insignificant.
I'm on the last 2 days of a weeks holiday from work. It often happens like this, I don't know why or maybe I do. Maybe it's because I don't value myself enough.
I need to change. Change can be good. Change can be disruptive, can be upsetting.
I may not have the courage.
Good luck.
Answer: A long time.