Self-hate

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daughter of the moon

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I just realize right now how big of a character trait (is that what it is?) my self-hate really is. I never feel like I deserve even the smallest word of kindness anyone gives to me. Not only do I feel like I don't deserve it; often I slump into downright depression when someone's nice to me.

Like right now: I received a belated Christmas gift in the mail from one of my (very) few remaining friends. A purple hat and a card. What he wrote in the card was a number of really nice and appreciative things about our friendship. The last sentence reads "Thank you for being the person that you are.". The moment I read that sentence, I could feel my smile fall from my face. Everything inside me slumped. It brought me down; I'm almost crying right now. I just don't deserve that. God knows I don't.

And yet....I have other people write similar things to me from time to time. Are they so mistaken, or am I? I don't know where all this self-hate originally came from. I just know it's been my constant companion for many years now, and these days it's rearing its ugly head again very strongly. I just want to cry when someone's so nice to me. The only coherent thought that I ever seem to have is "I don't deserve it". And maybe I really don't. Actually I'm pretty sure I don't, I'm just not always sure why. It's not like I've ever done anything really bad in my life. Haven't killed anyone or set a house on fire or anything like that. Maybe it's something I did in a former life that I'm still paying for now. That actually does make sense; at least more than any other possibility.

The reason I'm not making this a diary post is because - on the off-chance that someone will actually give a **** and share their own story/thoughts/whatever - I'd be curious to read about it. Maybe others have similiar issues with self-hate?
 
Do you really hate yourself or is it just that you feel you don't deserve the compliments or the nice gestures? I think those are two different things. As you said in your post, you didn't do anything really bad in your life to feel this way, so there really is no reason to actually hate yourself. Perhaps the lack of self-esteem? Or the fact that you've always been having negative things happen to you in life that made you believe you don't deserve any good - it's like you'r conditioned to believe that you deserve no good at all because of your past experiences.

As for me, I have been and still am like this - I don't take compliments about me seriously.. it doesn't sink in, not because I don't want it to, but because I don't believe that I am like that. I don't hate myself, but I believe it's really because of the conditioning that I've had from young where I was never told such things before, so it's like, what? seriously? nah. Though I don't really know what's the best way to get out of this state.. besides keep telling myself that if I think that everyone deserves some good in their lives, then I deserve some good too, as I am human, like everyone else.
 
I agree with lady forsaken here moon. I get how you feel about yourself, I really do. My family were very generous this year for Christmas and all I could feel was that I didn't deserve their generosity, that I shouldn't enjoy what I was given and when I tried to I felt guilty. We are all human as humans we have all made mistakes in our lives, nothing terrible like you say, but we weigh the consequences of our lives far heavier than they actually are. When our self esteem is down, we weigh our minor transgressions as something more significant than they actually are, we punish ourselves for minor things.

I've recently found out that I might be depressed, I'm having bloodwork to rule out any medical cause for my current state, I can't get a job despite trying really hard to get one, my self esteem right now is as low as it can be and I think feeling guilty about enjoying gifts is self punishment for my situation. I can't say I know you moon but I do know that everyone deserves happiness.
 
Bit of the same in here.
I get sad too after hearing some nice things said about me, or to me. Its because I disagree with them I think. I think that because they say it, and I disagree, it creates somehow a barrier between those two people because of "I see you dont really know me" argument. And by disconnecting like that, the feeling of loneliness arises, and makes one feel even worse.

I kinda don't know what to say, I hope this small part was helpful somehow...

But yeah, self hatred, whether justifiable in some cases, or not, is a pain in the bum.

I unfortunately know of no cure in your case. I´m sorry. I hope you get better and learn to at least like yourself, and accept that some people may like you too. And liking you makes them happy. And that's kinda worth it, right? I hope.
I hope you get better.
 
You are probably always on your guard. You don't want anyone to put you down so you don't give them the chance by doing it yourself. Don't be afraid to let someone in. Just be moderately modest :)

You lovely strange lady :p
 
I think self hate is a bigger problem the more introspective a person you are and how much you dwell on the things you find within. Our friends and others who care about us see, for the most part, our good and pleasant sides. They dont see or hear most of the darkest thoughts, all the nasty little unpleasantries that float around up there. That's why people like us can grow to hate ourselves. We're always aware of every horrible thought that crosses our minds and it affects us more than it should. It's hard to accept the good when dwelling on the rest of that mental baggage.

That being said, you are a wonderful person daughter of the moon and a great friend. I say that not because of how you see yourself but because of the kind of person you've been to me over the years. As long as I personally believe you deserve those words, I will keep sharing them :)
 
Pedestrian said:
There is no question you get pumped up by the recognition.
Click to expand...

Giggety!

family-guy-20110713012643072.jpg
 
Well, Siertes, you are the best and have been for years. Simple as that :)


Gutted, you are.... impossible. lol And yet enjoyable! :p
 
daughter of the moon said:
I just realize right now how big of a character trait (is that what it is?) my self-hate really is. I never feel like I deserve even the smallest word of kindness anyone gives to me. Not only do I feel like I don't deserve it; often I slump into downright depression when someone's nice to me.

Like right now: I received a belated Christmas gift in the mail from one of my (very) few remaining friends. A purple hat and a card. What he wrote in the card was a number of really nice and appreciative things about our friendship. The last sentence reads "Thank you for being the person that you are.". The moment I read that sentence, I could feel my smile fall from my face. Everything inside me slumped. It brought me down; I'm almost crying right now. I just don't deserve that. God knows I don't.

And yet....I have other people write similar things to me from time to time. Are they so mistaken, or am I? I don't know where all this self-hate originally came from. I just know it's been my constant companion for many years now, and these days it's rearing its ugly head again very strongly. I just want to cry when someone's so nice to me. The only coherent thought that I ever seem to have is "I don't deserve it". And maybe I really don't. Actually I'm pretty sure I don't, I'm just not always sure why. It's not like I've ever done anything really bad in my life. Haven't killed anyone or set a house on fire or anything like that. Maybe it's something I did in a former life that I'm still paying for now. That actually does make sense; at least more than any other possibility.

The reason I'm not making this a diary post is because - on the off-chance that someone will actually give a **** and share their own story/thoughts/whatever - I'd be curious to read about it. Maybe others have similiar issues with self-hate?
Click to expand...

Have you grown up being told that you are not worthy of praise? If people are told something long enough, they begin to believe it. The crying may be the happiness that is pouring from your subconsciousness in response to a friend who cares for you.
 
I hated myself most of my life. Like...really intensely. There was nothing I hated more than myself.

But then I read about determinism. Determinism is basically cause-and-effect taken to its natural conclusion. Every action that happens is merely the outcome of a previous action. This includes peoples' choices; meaning that there is no free-will.

This sounds far-fetched to people, but in fact it has been almost entirely accepted by physicists since Isaac Newton.

Anyway, without free-will we are not really "responsible" for anything we do. Therefor it is illogical to feel shame or pride. Does a lion hate itself for eating small woodland creatures, does a turtle despise itself for not being as fast as a cheetah? Why should we hate ourselves for our own natures?

popeye_yam1.jpg
 
Gutted said:
You are probably always on your guard. You don't want anyone to put you down so you don't give them the chance by doing it yourself. Don't be afraid to let someone in. Just be moderately modest :)

You lovely strange lady :p
Click to expand...

good post, good insight.
 
I hated myself for a fair number of years, then I started feeling sorry for that poor bugger of a self, and started appreciating its good sides
 
You know, if lots of people are saying nice things about you... maybe they are right!

I don't have self hate, I do like to be recognised if I do something, but actual compliments leave me embarrassed. That's about as close as I ca nbe to understanding what you feel.

So maybe just allow yourself to accept some of the good things people say, start to believe it yourself :)
 
ventura23 said:
Gutted said:
You are probably always on your guard. You don't want anyone to put you down so you don't give them the chance by doing it yourself. Don't be afraid to let someone in. Just be moderately modest :)

You lovely strange lady :p
Click to expand...

good post, good insight.
Click to expand...


Ah yes, but Gutted's a sweetheart anyway :p

I think it is true to an extent, but not all my self-hate is purely a protective veil. And don't worry, it isn't there all the time. As a matter of fact, the moments (like the one when I originally typed that post) are rather rare.
 
I'm going through the same thing right now. It's a very common response to abuse, or some parenting types, where the child is never good enough, never gets good enough marks, etc.

A lot of the time there are two selves. One that wants to be loved and the other that wants to be hated and reviled, and wants to destroy.

But which one wins or are they forever engaged in this battle?
 
daughter of the moon said:
The reason I'm not making this a diary post is because - on the off-chance that someone will actually give a **** and share their own story/thoughts/whatever - I'd be curious to read about it. Maybe others have similiar issues with self-hate?
Click to expand...

I thought I posted in this thread but turns out I actually hadn't (I suppose I must have thought about posting and forgotten as I do most things).

Yeah, I suffer horribly from the low-self esteem/self-hate issue. The perk of someone saying 'hey you did good' is appreciated but the second it occurs it turns into self-hate because the reality IE my constant failure sets in and I can't really be good as they say I am if I keep failing at everything.

I think it's flawed thinking but I've never figured how to 'self-repair' or fix it.

roguewave said:
I'm going through the same thing right now. It's a very common response to abuse, or some parenting types, where the child is never good enough, never gets good enough marks, etc.

A lot of the time there are two selves. One that wants to be loved and the other that wants to be hated and reviled, and wants to destroy.

But which one wins or are they forever engaged in this battle?
Click to expand...

This is a most curious insight. My dad was an aggressive perfectionist who demanded ridiculously high standards and would get angry if I failed a task even immediately after engaging it. My mother sorta just didn't seem to acknowledge my existence, gave me stuff and just carried on, seemed to invalidate me on some level.
 
roguewave said:
I'm going through the same thing right now. It's a very common response to abuse, or some parenting types, where the child is never good enough, never gets good enough marks, etc.

A lot of the time there are two selves. One that wants to be loved and the other that wants to be hated and reviled, and wants to destroy.

But which one wins or are they forever engaged in this battle?
Click to expand...

This is exactly how I feel, roguewave.

Groucho said:
This is a most curious insight. My dad was an aggressive perfectionist who demanded ridiculously high standards and would get angry if I failed a task even immediately after engaging it.
Click to expand...

Oh my. I so can relate to this. So much so.
 
Groucho said:
This is a most curious insight. My dad was an aggressive perfectionist who demanded ridiculously high standards and would get angry if I failed a task even immediately after engaging it. My mother sorta just didn't seem to acknowledge my existence, gave me stuff and just carried on, seemed to invalidate me on some level.
Click to expand...

There's an official name for your dad's parenting style, but I forget what it is. Both of these styles are very negative. During my teen years I was institutionalized and there we were "raised" with this kind of never-right mentality (they claimed it was part of their disciplinary program for so called, troubled teens). At home with my parents, it was mostly the neglect style. The combo of the two is particularly devastating to a developing psyche.
 

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