Hello everyone.
I have been reading here for a couple of days, and finally decided to join. It seems like a positive place to hear your thoughts, advices and support. I hope that even though this is long someone will read some of it.
This week had been very, very difficult, dark and lonely for me. my boyfriend of 4 years left me, and I'm simply devastated.
We had been living together for more than a year now, moved together to a new city as I was pursuing a degree I wanted in university. He moved with me, very anxiously found a new job. We made plans to leave the country in a few years and seemed very much in sync with what we both wanted in life.
We've had our problems - he tended to take the passive position, and being more experienced, a little older, I made choices but often felt we're lacking real partnership, as he didn't care about much and I sometimes had to do things myself. we argued about cleaning, but I thought he was paying more attention and it's a very common problem anyway.
Often I would want to be active, to get out and meet people, but he mostly wanted to spend his free time home and little by little I stopped offering things we could do together, and little by little I stopped doing many things myself. He even started sounding doubtful about the plan we shared to leave the country, and I wondered if we should simply break up.
His work had been very demanding for him and he started returning home later and later at night, sometimes as late at 9pm several times a week. I felt so lonely and rejected at home, and he seemed frustrated and distant. He eventually confessed he was struggling with depression and had a crush on a girl from work who seemed to prefer the company of other coworkers, and the rejection was weighing on him. things went pretty much downhill from there.
I didn't fear he would act on his crush, or that he was cheating, he's just the sort of very insecure guy who develops an interest quickly. I knew he loved me, too. Trying to support him, I became depressed myself. and we became this cliche of two people growing distant. I would go home and cook and eat by myself, spend the evening by myself and go to sleep an hour after he returned, feeling like I had no place in his life. He wouldn't call during the day or send messages or anything, just the boring bills-and-cleaning talks. sometimes he'd stay up talking to his co-worker and I would get jealous. We had little intimacy. Everything was falling apart.
We talked about breaking up several times in the last few months, wondering if there are things we can work on or not, and I can't help but wondering if I had planted the idea in his mind, saying I prefered living alone than doing all the housework myself and feeling lonely. and a week ago we talked about breaking up, but I didn't actually expect we would, I thought these are all things we can work on.
then he confessed he had been thinking about breaking up for a while now, said he believes it's the right things to do and we'd never be happy together. it was like suddenly we were miles apart and there was nothing to be said anymore. I'm not angry, I just know once one side believes it's over, then it is. and it hurts, physically almost.
It was clear he didn't rush into the decision, he gave it thought and believed it was right. it was also clear when we talked a few days later, that he feels certain in the decision to break up, though he was crying and telling me he wonders if it's all a mistake.
My family took me in as I stopped eating or sleeping or anything at all. When I do sleep I get strange and vivid dark dreams, or dream of escaping. I have support, but feel estranged from everybody. It feels like I'd been killed and now have to stay alive.
I keep telling myself to not want this relationship, that there's nothing to work on with someone who believes that it's over, that he made the right decision for him.
but in my heart I feel we had a good, loving relationship with good communication and wonder if I will ever be able to let it go. I keep imagining him regretting and coming back, hoping I'll have the strength to refuse a comeback on such unstable ground.
I guess there are two main problems.
the first is dealing with life. I gave a presentation on my work today. it was very difficult for me to stand and speak for over 30 minutes, feeling broken inside. It didn't go so well, I could not concentrate. everything is so difficult, like getting out of bed, like showering. I'm even sorry for not following my suicidal thoughts from a few days ago, now I'm too scared, but life doesn't seem to be worth it.
the second is I'm constantly wondering about this relationship. it's the first relationship I had that felt healthy, supporting, loving, etc. I fear that letting go would be a huge mistake though perhaps I'm idealizing something long lost (even when describing the difficulties we've had). I don't know if I'll ever know if it was right or get over it.
Everyone keeps telling me things will get better. but they don't, I feel dead on the inside. he took his things and I'm too broken to move out yet. the apartment feels cold and lonely, more like a tomb than a place where people live.
I have been reading here for a couple of days, and finally decided to join. It seems like a positive place to hear your thoughts, advices and support. I hope that even though this is long someone will read some of it.
This week had been very, very difficult, dark and lonely for me. my boyfriend of 4 years left me, and I'm simply devastated.
We had been living together for more than a year now, moved together to a new city as I was pursuing a degree I wanted in university. He moved with me, very anxiously found a new job. We made plans to leave the country in a few years and seemed very much in sync with what we both wanted in life.
We've had our problems - he tended to take the passive position, and being more experienced, a little older, I made choices but often felt we're lacking real partnership, as he didn't care about much and I sometimes had to do things myself. we argued about cleaning, but I thought he was paying more attention and it's a very common problem anyway.
Often I would want to be active, to get out and meet people, but he mostly wanted to spend his free time home and little by little I stopped offering things we could do together, and little by little I stopped doing many things myself. He even started sounding doubtful about the plan we shared to leave the country, and I wondered if we should simply break up.
His work had been very demanding for him and he started returning home later and later at night, sometimes as late at 9pm several times a week. I felt so lonely and rejected at home, and he seemed frustrated and distant. He eventually confessed he was struggling with depression and had a crush on a girl from work who seemed to prefer the company of other coworkers, and the rejection was weighing on him. things went pretty much downhill from there.
I didn't fear he would act on his crush, or that he was cheating, he's just the sort of very insecure guy who develops an interest quickly. I knew he loved me, too. Trying to support him, I became depressed myself. and we became this cliche of two people growing distant. I would go home and cook and eat by myself, spend the evening by myself and go to sleep an hour after he returned, feeling like I had no place in his life. He wouldn't call during the day or send messages or anything, just the boring bills-and-cleaning talks. sometimes he'd stay up talking to his co-worker and I would get jealous. We had little intimacy. Everything was falling apart.
We talked about breaking up several times in the last few months, wondering if there are things we can work on or not, and I can't help but wondering if I had planted the idea in his mind, saying I prefered living alone than doing all the housework myself and feeling lonely. and a week ago we talked about breaking up, but I didn't actually expect we would, I thought these are all things we can work on.
then he confessed he had been thinking about breaking up for a while now, said he believes it's the right things to do and we'd never be happy together. it was like suddenly we were miles apart and there was nothing to be said anymore. I'm not angry, I just know once one side believes it's over, then it is. and it hurts, physically almost.
It was clear he didn't rush into the decision, he gave it thought and believed it was right. it was also clear when we talked a few days later, that he feels certain in the decision to break up, though he was crying and telling me he wonders if it's all a mistake.
My family took me in as I stopped eating or sleeping or anything at all. When I do sleep I get strange and vivid dark dreams, or dream of escaping. I have support, but feel estranged from everybody. It feels like I'd been killed and now have to stay alive.
I keep telling myself to not want this relationship, that there's nothing to work on with someone who believes that it's over, that he made the right decision for him.
but in my heart I feel we had a good, loving relationship with good communication and wonder if I will ever be able to let it go. I keep imagining him regretting and coming back, hoping I'll have the strength to refuse a comeback on such unstable ground.
I guess there are two main problems.
the first is dealing with life. I gave a presentation on my work today. it was very difficult for me to stand and speak for over 30 minutes, feeling broken inside. It didn't go so well, I could not concentrate. everything is so difficult, like getting out of bed, like showering. I'm even sorry for not following my suicidal thoughts from a few days ago, now I'm too scared, but life doesn't seem to be worth it.
the second is I'm constantly wondering about this relationship. it's the first relationship I had that felt healthy, supporting, loving, etc. I fear that letting go would be a huge mistake though perhaps I'm idealizing something long lost (even when describing the difficulties we've had). I don't know if I'll ever know if it was right or get over it.
Everyone keeps telling me things will get better. but they don't, I feel dead on the inside. he took his things and I'm too broken to move out yet. the apartment feels cold and lonely, more like a tomb than a place where people live.
raindrop *hugs*
