I'm a 25 years old dude, living in Germany and I guess I write this for the same reason everyone else did. I'm lonely.
It would be ignorant and foolish of me to say that I don't expect anyone to read this or that I don't care. I do care. Maybe that's what got me in the end. I care. Most people seem to really not.
At times I find myself in doubt of what I'm really feeling or if I really inherit this huge amount of arrogance, truly believeing that I care more, or that I suffer more, or even the fact that I am lonely, lonlier than other people...
Sometimes I'm just tired of peoples charades and their self imposed dramas. But I can't really blame them for desperately wanting to feel special. I call them pathetic and have plenty of whisdom and snide comments in store for them. But I envy them. I envy every single one of them.
Envy. The most ugliest of feeling. Mixed with a good dosis of self pitty.
Like everybody else I just want someone. Someone who belongs to me. Who just loves me.
I never had a relationship and had always just been the one who was standing aside. Watching. The shoulder to cry on and the emotional scrap yard for all of my friends. I guess it comes naturally. I'm selfreflective, adaptable, logical, rational, emotional, relatable....(and obviously full of bullshit) so people open up to me rather quickly.
I always feel that I give, listen and then even give a little bit more until there's nothing more left. And in the end I get abandoned...
When I was younger the pain that you feel when somebody just uses and suddenly abandons you, would drive me mad. I'd fall in a resentful state, filled with fury. Every inch in my body wanted justice or simply just revenge. I'd never really get closure though. Then I realized that it was my own fault. A life lived for anyone else but you, isn't really worth living. But did it change a thing? Not at all. So I changed. In the end, that's the one thing I'm actually really able to control. Myself. Or at least the way I'm feeling. Doesn't work all the time, but what are you gonna do, right?
The thing is, as far as one can tell about himself, I'm as sane as any other person. I care, I'm attatentive, of course I need attention in return, but I'm not really overly needy. I'm no control freak with trust issues who'd stalk his better half. I'm not too obsessive either. But then again, how can I tell? I never really played the relationship game. How would I even know if that is exactly the one thing that I am missing? But I know. Like everybody else deep down inside truly knows ,what he or she is really missing.
Of course I'm not perfect and everybody has their kinks but I wouldn't qualify myself as undateable. I'm smart enough to carry on a decent conversation. I'm not 'ugly'. Whatever that means anyways. Like most of you, I'm the one who loughes the loudest, who has all the jokes and so on. That typical popular 'soap opera'-teen (ok tween), who's sourrunded by all those goregous people, but still has a big fat emptyness in his chest. Pathetic I know.
Of course I had 'encounters'. I'm everything else but fridig. I love sex. With myself these days anyway, but my point is that I'm in control of my sexuality. Sometimes I'm mad at myself, for not sleeping around. But the idea of having some stranger beating off on you without any bit of emotion is simply tiresome to me. I'm not 16, I want to connect.
Besides not having somebody special, in between, there's just lonelyness. Friendship. Family. Sometimes I wonder if they can see the hollowness. But everybody is too concerned with themselfs anyway and to fake it seems easier than to explain and have somebody truly understanding the issue...
People overexcessivley love me, despite the fact that they really don't give a honeysuckle, or they hate me. Which hurts. My persona or aura or whatsoever, forces people to extrems. Omg, this sounds so retarted. But sometimes people hold these weird 'things' against me. You know, when people try to do better than you, which is not a problem itself, but with this weird 'I'm gonna kick you to the groin'-attituted. Contests out of idiot-ville. But then again, people are weird. Maybe I am just full of honeysuckle too and in the end do deserve this.
I don't believe in anything anymore and I can't really keep a phylosophie, but I surely learned one thing: Some people, whithout any reason, are doomed to live their life on their own.
Sometimes I want to be alone, but only because people are mostly honeysuckle to be around.
I tried to live the wild life, 'cause I feel like without love, there's nothing left to lose. Though it can be nice, oddly it drives you even further away from people and you start to feel more trapped in an endless circle of blah.
And everytime I think I find somebody, somebody to open up to.....they see 'past the jewel' and whatever it is they see, it's not special or worthy enough to keep.
I guess nice is boring. And I'm a nice person, so.....
I know I'm young, there's plenty time, but I lived life in every aspect already and experienced more than necessary. Some things are sertain. And some things can't be helped.
I tried to be with somebody only just 'to be with somebody', but that was even worse than being lonely. I'd lie if I'd say I don't have expectations or that I am not the slightest bit shallow, but I just want something real. Something that fits. Something that fits me, you know?
I'm probably just depressed. But life sets punishment on sensitive people doesn't it?
It's all about love, if you're all about love too, there's a chance you're soul gets shattered.
That was long and quite emberassing.... but in the end I did it for me. Selfish, but it feels good to know that anyone reading this, actually wasted their time on me.
I hope I didn't annoy or 'sent' anybody down. I wrote this for you, you who reads this. Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you do, we are together and that may be no real comfort, but it feels nice.
It would be ignorant and foolish of me to say that I don't expect anyone to read this or that I don't care. I do care. Maybe that's what got me in the end. I care. Most people seem to really not.
At times I find myself in doubt of what I'm really feeling or if I really inherit this huge amount of arrogance, truly believeing that I care more, or that I suffer more, or even the fact that I am lonely, lonlier than other people...
Sometimes I'm just tired of peoples charades and their self imposed dramas. But I can't really blame them for desperately wanting to feel special. I call them pathetic and have plenty of whisdom and snide comments in store for them. But I envy them. I envy every single one of them.
Envy. The most ugliest of feeling. Mixed with a good dosis of self pitty.
Like everybody else I just want someone. Someone who belongs to me. Who just loves me.
I never had a relationship and had always just been the one who was standing aside. Watching. The shoulder to cry on and the emotional scrap yard for all of my friends. I guess it comes naturally. I'm selfreflective, adaptable, logical, rational, emotional, relatable....(and obviously full of bullshit) so people open up to me rather quickly.
I always feel that I give, listen and then even give a little bit more until there's nothing more left. And in the end I get abandoned...
When I was younger the pain that you feel when somebody just uses and suddenly abandons you, would drive me mad. I'd fall in a resentful state, filled with fury. Every inch in my body wanted justice or simply just revenge. I'd never really get closure though. Then I realized that it was my own fault. A life lived for anyone else but you, isn't really worth living. But did it change a thing? Not at all. So I changed. In the end, that's the one thing I'm actually really able to control. Myself. Or at least the way I'm feeling. Doesn't work all the time, but what are you gonna do, right?
The thing is, as far as one can tell about himself, I'm as sane as any other person. I care, I'm attatentive, of course I need attention in return, but I'm not really overly needy. I'm no control freak with trust issues who'd stalk his better half. I'm not too obsessive either. But then again, how can I tell? I never really played the relationship game. How would I even know if that is exactly the one thing that I am missing? But I know. Like everybody else deep down inside truly knows ,what he or she is really missing.
Of course I'm not perfect and everybody has their kinks but I wouldn't qualify myself as undateable. I'm smart enough to carry on a decent conversation. I'm not 'ugly'. Whatever that means anyways. Like most of you, I'm the one who loughes the loudest, who has all the jokes and so on. That typical popular 'soap opera'-teen (ok tween), who's sourrunded by all those goregous people, but still has a big fat emptyness in his chest. Pathetic I know.
Of course I had 'encounters'. I'm everything else but fridig. I love sex. With myself these days anyway, but my point is that I'm in control of my sexuality. Sometimes I'm mad at myself, for not sleeping around. But the idea of having some stranger beating off on you without any bit of emotion is simply tiresome to me. I'm not 16, I want to connect.
Besides not having somebody special, in between, there's just lonelyness. Friendship. Family. Sometimes I wonder if they can see the hollowness. But everybody is too concerned with themselfs anyway and to fake it seems easier than to explain and have somebody truly understanding the issue...
People overexcessivley love me, despite the fact that they really don't give a honeysuckle, or they hate me. Which hurts. My persona or aura or whatsoever, forces people to extrems. Omg, this sounds so retarted. But sometimes people hold these weird 'things' against me. You know, when people try to do better than you, which is not a problem itself, but with this weird 'I'm gonna kick you to the groin'-attituted. Contests out of idiot-ville. But then again, people are weird. Maybe I am just full of honeysuckle too and in the end do deserve this.
I don't believe in anything anymore and I can't really keep a phylosophie, but I surely learned one thing: Some people, whithout any reason, are doomed to live their life on their own.
Sometimes I want to be alone, but only because people are mostly honeysuckle to be around.
I tried to live the wild life, 'cause I feel like without love, there's nothing left to lose. Though it can be nice, oddly it drives you even further away from people and you start to feel more trapped in an endless circle of blah.
And everytime I think I find somebody, somebody to open up to.....they see 'past the jewel' and whatever it is they see, it's not special or worthy enough to keep.
I guess nice is boring. And I'm a nice person, so.....
I know I'm young, there's plenty time, but I lived life in every aspect already and experienced more than necessary. Some things are sertain. And some things can't be helped.
I tried to be with somebody only just 'to be with somebody', but that was even worse than being lonely. I'd lie if I'd say I don't have expectations or that I am not the slightest bit shallow, but I just want something real. Something that fits. Something that fits me, you know?
I'm probably just depressed. But life sets punishment on sensitive people doesn't it?
It's all about love, if you're all about love too, there's a chance you're soul gets shattered.
That was long and quite emberassing.... but in the end I did it for me. Selfish, but it feels good to know that anyone reading this, actually wasted their time on me.
I hope I didn't annoy or 'sent' anybody down. I wrote this for you, you who reads this. Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you do, we are together and that may be no real comfort, but it feels nice.
