Overthinking things is tiring...

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I over-think things. I don't really see it as over-thinking things, because everyone who thinks they aren't over-thinking things yet disagrees with someone else is usually thinking in just a slightly different direction. AKA: Over-thinking doesn't really exist, only bad thinking. However, people say I over-think things, so I guess that's a quick way to describe what I do. XD

But anyways, I'll get to the point. My mind goes crazy when it comes to relationships, or, well... my lack of more 'intimate' ones. I have a fine relationship with my family, and a little sister who adores me, and some fine school friends, but I've never gotten farther than that... I've never even taken very many steps towards whatever is further than that, and it bugs me.
So, ultimately, in laymen terms, I've evaluated that I want some sort of relationship.

And here is where I hit the snag. There are too many perspectives on this issue, and I'm completely lost. Here's a taste of my internal monologue on the subject:
I want a relationship, which means I should try to get one right?
But people who work too hard at getting relationships are only in it for the relationship, and not in it for the other person, which is the wrong way to go about it.
So, I should not try for a relationship? And just hope one comes at me?
That seems awfully silly, to wish for something but make no effort for it.
So how can one try for a relationship but not be focused on 'getting a relationship'? Seems like doublethink... which I can do I suppose, but it is a little hard on the brain.
Or, maybe I'm too focused on relationships in general? But, really, aren't I just being honest about what I want? People who aren't honest about what they want are lying to themselves, and THATs not a good thing...

And then theres the fact that I've never had a relationship even though I've been both 'attempting' and 'not attempting' one for a while. This leads to another lovely confused internal monologue:
Maybe I'm ugly? But, that doesn't seem right... I've seen ugly people and attractive people, and I'm not horrendous... and besides, if less physically attractive people can get into relationships then It's not all about looks. So I have a horrible personality? Well thats nice... But what am I suppose to do? I figure I'm an ok person. Theres only so much self-evaluation that can be done when you have all that weird bias of "Am I judging myself too hard? or too easy" so that's crazy difficult. No one seems to complain at me to my face, I don't get in fights unless it's an important topic for class, and then of course they are arguments, not physical fights... so I know I'm head-strong, but I've met people who were more head-strong than I who seemed to be doing fine so I can't think that girls just hate head-strong me...
I suppose I don't have much muscle... but guys with less muscle than I do are just fine... but people say "girls like muscles"... however I don't have much time for that. Besides, the question "would you date you?" comes to mind, and I really don't care if a girl doesn't have muscle...
I'm clean! I know that much. I'm cleaner than most guys I know. Yay, a single positive in a world of confusion. Still... I guess being clean doesn't help much considering my permanent zero-level relationship status.
Maybe I'm picky? But I really only have 2 rules: She has to be interested in me (because how would it work otherwsie) and look 'cute' to me... And my definition of cute includes a lot of girls most people say 'meh' on... so I feel like that's not the issue.

So... yeah. Apparently I 'over-think' things, but I bet people will respond with either "Don't worry about relationships" or "Just keep trying" which are polar opposites and require 'thinking' to come to terms with.

However, I welcome all responses! Thanks.
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personally, I found that over thinking was mostly a bad habit, bad because it is so exhausting, and half of the time I would not really live my life because I was always in my head, and after many years I was left with a handful of intense memories of things that never actually happened and the consequences of a lot of bad decisions that I made because I was too confused by too many thoughts.
I agree that thinking about things is quite important, what they suggest is to make some time, like an 'appointment', to think about something that concern you, for instance on tuesday from 3 to 5pm, and think 100% about something even taking notes, this way one one feels lighter the rest of the time, and also the thinking becomes more effective because it is really focused.
 
Peaches said:
personally, I found that over thinking was mostly a bad habit, bad because it is so exhausting, and half of the time I would not really live my life because I was always in my head, and after many years I was left with a handful of intense memories of things that never actually happened and the consequences of a lot of bad decisions that I made because I was too confused by too many thoughts.
I agree that thinking about things is quite important, what they suggest is to make some time, like an 'appointment', to think about something that concern you, for instance on tuesday from 3 to 5pm, and think 100% about something even taking notes, this way one one feels lighter the rest of the time, and also the thinking becomes more effective because it is really focused.

Ah, well you see I don't see it as 'over-thinking'. Thats how other people describe it. I see it more as conflicting information. Some say "Go for it!" Others say "Don't way and just see" but both say "Don't over-think it"... well ok, I'm just considering options. XD

I can't say I've ever made bad decisions because of too many thoughts, so we might have a bit of a dissonance there. I act when action is required, and think when I have time. I was merely sharing my internal monologues to see if anyone else deals with these conflicting thoughts towards the subjects of relationships.
 
I wouldn't call it "over-thinking" I'd call it logical thinking. Your issue is that you are trying to take a logical approach to something that is illogical.

To give you a kinda relevant example I once was dating a co-worker. Before we were actually dating she showed a lot of interest in me but my logical side telling me no. Don't date a co-worker, her personality isn't that great (she was very narcissistic and immature.), she still lives at home, she's terrible with money etc. Eventually I ignored my logical thoughts and got into a relationship with her. Although it was a short relationship it had some very good moments and I'm glad I went for it despite the fact that we were polar opposites. All you can do is improve your odds, dress smart have a good attitude, and what happens will happen.
 
DeliciouScience said:
Peaches said:
personally, I found that over thinking was mostly a bad habit, bad because it is so exhausting, and half of the time I would not really live my life because I was always in my head, and after many years I was left with a handful of intense memories of things that never actually happened and the consequences of a lot of bad decisions that I made because I was too confused by too many thoughts.
I agree that thinking about things is quite important, what they suggest is to make some time, like an 'appointment', to think about something that concern you, for instance on tuesday from 3 to 5pm, and think 100% about something even taking notes, this way one one feels lighter the rest of the time, and also the thinking becomes more effective because it is really focused.

Ah, well you see I don't see it as 'over-thinking'. Thats how other people describe it. I see it more as conflicting information. Some say "Go for it!" Others say "Don't way and just see" but both say "Don't over-think it"... well ok, I'm just considering options. XD

I can't say I've ever made bad decisions because of too many thoughts, so we might have a bit of a dissonance there. I act when action is required, and think when I have time. I was merely sharing my internal monologues to see if anyone else deals with these conflicting thoughts towards the subjects of relationships.

it's true, I started calling it 'over thinking' only a few years ago when I recognized it as part of my troubles, before I would just call it 'thinking' :) in this case, I got carried away by a completely different topic, sorry about that, my mistake
 
Dr. Strangelove said:
All you can do is improve your odds, dress smart have a good attitude, and what happens will happen.

Well that's nice and all, but you literally just answered with exactly what I was talking about. Am I 'waiting for it to happen' or am I suppose to 'go out and get it', and if I'm 'going out and getting it' then am I not doing it for the wrong reasons?
 
DeliciouScience said:
Dr. Strangelove said:
All you can do is improve your odds, dress smart have a good attitude, and what happens will happen.

Well that's nice and all, but you literally just answered with exactly what I was talking about. Am I 'waiting for it to happen' or am I suppose to 'go out and get it', and if I'm 'going out and getting it' then am I not doing it for the wrong reasons?
It's neither. You shouldn't just wait for it to happen because it probably won't and you shouldn't be looking for a relationship just for the sake of a relationship. Start networking, making friends, go to social functions and, like I said, what happens will happen.
 
Being in a relationship is a goal and, in a way, a trophy, a measure of achievement, a milestone, a "thing" to attain.

If it really is this mysterious undefinable force that one should never seek, never think about (because if you want something, the universe makes sure you don't get it, right?) then I don't think everyone would be so preoccupied with the whole thing. It would "just happen" or "not happen" and everyone would just go with the flow and accept whatever happens. Not the case, of course.

I think the answer is a mix between waiting and seeking, neither all one nor all the other.
 
DeliciouScience said:
I want a relationship, which means I should try to get one right?
But people who work too hard at getting relationships are only in it for the relationship, and not in it for the other person, which is the wrong way to go about it.
So, I should not try for a relationship? And just hope one comes at me?
That seems awfully silly, to wish for something but make no effort for it.
So how can one try for a relationship but not be focused on 'getting a relationship'? Seems like doublethink... which I can do I suppose, but it is a little hard on the brain.
Or, maybe I'm too focused on relationships in general? But, really, aren't I just being honest about what I want? People who aren't honest about what they want are lying to themselves, and THATs not a good thing...

This sounds exactly like my old way of thinking, I went through this kind of monologue for six years, and the unsettling truth is a lot of people simply don't think about it. Not being in a relationship when other people are, or worse when your peers or friends are going through multiple relationships when you haven't even been in one, raises a lot of concerns because it's like being excluded from an entire portion of life everyone else seems to be experiencing but you.

Dr. Strangelove said:
I wouldn't call it "over-thinking" I'd call it logical thinking. Your issue is that you are trying to take a logical approach to something that is illogical.

^ This, as I found too, is the most accurate conclusion to draw. You can't think your way into a relationship. If something is based off convenience then quality suffers and if a relationship doesn't have quality it won't stand. Not to say there aren't plenty of shitty relationships out there that continue dragging on at the lament of both parties but they're miserable. A lot of those relationships are forced, in my experience from talking to these kind of people, and a lot of it steams from insecurity and/or fear of being alone. They don't know themselves and worse don't know what they want on a base level. Which I believe is the slight advantage (SLIGHT) people like us steal.

DeliciouScience said:
My mind goes crazy when it comes to relationships, or, well... my lack of more 'intimate' ones.... So, ultimately, in laymen terms, I've evaluated that I want some sort of relationship.

It sucks this is my advice to you but this line of thinking doesn't lead anywhere. Consider that you have a couple of relationships, both of them fail, but you ultimately learn things you can't tolerate from them. That's knowledge gained for future situations. However, every future situation is different, and mistakes aren't usually the same. On the flip side, consider you find someone who's amazing, and actually defines what "sort" of relationship you're looking for. Then, you're looking for something, which people will tell you is good because if you know your destination you can visualize and strive for where you're going. However, we're back to logical thinking about illogical circumstances, and now you're just evaluating things that don't really matter because everything's the same by everything continuing to be different.

The best thing is to know what you like in your someones. Whether it's a caring helping attitude, the ability to express themselves, or a level of intelligence or culture. It's good stuff to know and it'll help you as long as you're aware everybody's different and are open. But, ultimately it'll come down to how you feel, and worse how others will feel. Which puts this entire crisis out of your hands. Be yourself, figure yourself out, learn your positive attributes, highlight your image and be comfortable with however you manage to be. Making yourself available hurts as much as instigating but that's part of meeting new people. So no matter what you have to push yourself. Getting someone's attention is a stroke of luck that can happen any day by any gesture. And holding their attention is mind shattering madness. But it can and does happen.

For context, the most big and intimate relationship of my life had nothing to do with sex, and most of it came after we weren't officially together anymore. Things are complicated and life will not stop to let you figure stuff out. If you aren't making memories at times when you should memorable opportunities could be passing you by. Maybe even the one that puts this crazy mess into perspective. Hope everything I said makes sense to you and can be passed off as "helpful." :)
 

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