I cant do this anymore

I am really at the end of my rope here. The emptiness that I feel has been growing since the beginning of the semester, and it should not be happening. I have a loving family and a great group of friends who I am fairly sure care about me. It sickens me to say that I do not feel much emotion anymore, and as a result I do not feel very connected to them. Even to my best friend, the one who I broke down to a few nights ago because I felt like I was dying. She is the only one who I feel anything real toward. She is the only one who makes me feel comfortable, and I think I scared her away. I feel the hole inside me grow, and it feels like it is eating me alive. I want to feel again. I want to be able to trust someone again. I want to be able to feel connected to someone.

But I am slowly realizing it isnt coming. I have the feeling that I am going to die not knowing what it is like to love. I cannot take the emptiness I feel any longer. It is becoming apparent that the only way to escape the horrifyibg numbness I feel is through a hole in my head.

This thought terrifys me. I do not want to die, but I feel like the emptiness inside is going to kill me. Please, I do not know what to do anymore. I just want to be able to feel something again.

I don't know what to say that would make you feel better at the very least. But try to take deep breaths and relax yourself.. talk to someone professional maybe, who might be able to help you? Or talk about it here.. but I don't know what's causing you to feel like this unless you elaborate?

Don't give up though.. there are times (might even be long periods of time) where you feel like nothing is worth in this world and you feel lost.. but you will find your way again if you keep looking and not give up. So many unpredictable things happen in this life.. anything can happen that might make life better for you.

Take care.

Hug.
Sounds like a depression. Could be a reaction to stress (you mentioned the beginning of the semester), high expectations generally (and particularly, that`s something you know better if you tried to identify the trigger/cause) and by consequence disappointment, dissatisfaction with yourself and other things, poor verbalization of your thoughts/feelings/problems, weak initiative to find the cause and confront it in order to change how you feel (which would mean getting out of your comfort zone, even if a painful or hard to bear one), or many other things, up to an organic one.

I don`t know what seems more unbearable to you: the emptiness you feel or the lack of love. It is my impression that you are bit too harsh (and a perfectionist) on the way you judge how and what you should feel and get frightened, close to a panic attack when you see that there`s little or no emotion there. So you associate this with death and get even more frightened or terrified as you put it. The fact that you have a best friend you can relate to and feel something towards, suggests to me, that the problem isn`t as bad as it appears. You do have feelings and you can sense them, with a person you feel comfortable to open up to and communicate. Somehow I also get the feeling that you hide this emptiness you feel so that others won`t notice and when you can`t take it anymore and let a glimpse of it show, you fear that the only person you could open up to, got scared and you lost her. This may sound unpleasant to you, but I have the impression that you like to be in control (of whatever, your feelings, generally, a need of security/certainty) and maybe this is exactly what blocks you emotionally leading to this strain you perceive as your limit.

I agree with what ladyforsaken said. I would get to the root of this emptiness and act upon it. Define the problem, dissociate the aspects of it (for example what do you feel exactly for your best friend, because you mentioned in a context where you said you wanted to know what it is to love), talk about your thoughts and feelings, write them down, have a clear picture of what you want to change, use the love your family and friends are offering you and ask/look for help (counselling, self-help literature, this forum).

I`m sure there is a solution to this problem and getting it off the chest is a first step. You don`t have to wall it up inside, your reactions and fear are natural in this situation and your emotional state will improve considerably the more you talk about it and do something concrete about it. Panic doesn`t help. Many people feel empty, numb or fearful. The best thing is that you really want to feel, to love, to improve your state. Wishful thinking often is accomplished.
I can relate to what you said, I know this emptiness and numbness, unfortunately. And I know it can be overcome and changed. I hope I could be of some help. So, a big hug again. Think positive and give yourself as many chances as possible. Don`t give up!

Op here, thank you ladyforsaken and zero for your insight. I went to talk with the school counselor today, and I tried my best to sum everything up for him. We are supposed to meet again next Friday, so I will talk with him about what could be causing my emptiness.

I feel like I can get through now. I just need to dissect my problem and get to its root.

Paranoid Android said:

I feel like I can get through now. I just need to dissect my problem and get to its root.

Click to expand...

That's the spirit.

I'm sure with patience, you'll find what's the root of this problem and be able to work on it one step at a time. You will pull through if you keep believing in yourself that you can.

Good luck!