Am I a horrible person ?

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Bebeskii

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First of all i have to tell you that I live with aunt who is 50 years and my mom. I've just made aunt cry ;I told her she's been too lazy for the past two years and it is getting worse. She cleans home once a week but wash dishes and make a dinner everyday. Foods she cooks are bland and which lacks spirit. She does not care about a stain the table or rotten staff in the fridge. She was so different before. She stopped working as a teacher 10 years ago and she always stays at home; no friends, no goals, no husband no children in life. She raised me up. My mom is always busy working. I try to be as close as i can be to her but she just pushes me away because she hates when someone touches her. Actually she made me cry many times and she never apologizes. She horribly criticizes me saying I'm useless, weak, underling etc. Those words really hurt my feelings just like cutting my chest down with something sharp. Whatever i complain, it is all my fault. I look for some reassurance and advice from her but she does not.
I just let the words fall out honestly. Now she is saying that she will die soon and can no longer be a burden on me. She is my family member but she acts like an outsider. Without her, I would get lots of problems to deal with. Once I get into a nice job with high salary i will definitely do many things to make her happy. I feel so bad about myself right now. However, she is completely different person when my cousin visits with her husband and daughter. My aunt makes an excellent dinner and cleans the home in very short period of time as soon as she hears they're coming. My cousin is like my elder sister I lived with her 15 years. I mean She moved away two years ago. She often visits and my aunt is so nice to them. I understand that my cousin is like her own daughter , but i just hate it. Maybe that's why I'm sometimes harsh on my aunt.
 
No you are not a horrible person, but maybe sometimes you act a bit thoughtlessly or badly - don't we all!! If you feel badly about what you say, maybe before you say hurtful things to your aunt next time, perhaps you could remind yourself how it feels when hurtful things are said to you by your Mum? Not good, is it? I wonder if you are learning your hurtful ways from her, and passing them on to others.

Sounds like your aunt gave up a lot and helped raise you, she might be depressed and needs to get back some of the love and attention that she gave. I don't know if you are ill or disabled, but if there are things you don't like in the house why not get on your feet and help out yourself? It might be the best way to show your aunt that she has raised a thoughtful, caring person....
 
I agree with jaguarundi above.

It sounds as though the two of you care for each other, but living together often puts a strain of a relationship (even a family relationship).
It does sound like your aunt has some issues of her own that she deals with and that you might have a small amount of jealousy going on (the cousin).

You aren't a bad person - it's just a somewhat bad situation. Not even bad really...just frustrating perhaps? As I said, living with others can be very difficult.
If your aunt is cooking ever night and cleaning once a week, does that really mean she's lazy? I don't think so, though I guess everyone has their own standards. Also, just because she did things differently two years ago doesn't mean she's lazy either. Perhaps she has things going on in her mind that you aren't even aware of. The thing is, we have to have (and show) an enormous amount of patience for the ones we care about - it's just the right thing to do.
So, why not let the little things go and focus on what's really important to you? You obviously care about your aunt and the old saying is really true - those you love the most can cut you the deepest. They usually don't MEAN to though. I've had family living in my home on and off for the past 20+ years. It's never an easy thing to deal with. You just have to deal with it and make the best of it (unless they are doing some really bad things).
I wish you luck - I know full well how difficult a situation like that can be.
Again though - it doesn't make you a bad person - it's called being human. :)
 
I agree with the above posters. Your aunt sounds as though she might be feeling depressed and be in the need of some care and attention. You could help out round the house, and maybe arrange to cook dinner once or twice a week so that your aunt could put her feet up and you could make the sort of food you prefer. Who knows, your aunt may enjoy it as well and start to add spices when she cooks.
People often do have a clear up when visitors come-luckily I have plenty of cuboards and drawers to put my clutter into when someone is coming:) So I wouldn't feel hurt that your aunt clears up when people call.
 
Thank you guys. You guys are right. She has started developing dementia and I have to understand her. I promised myself to never let her down again. She truly loves me and so do I.
 
I am so sorry to hear that your aunt has dementia. It is so good though that she has you in her life for support, and that you truly love each other. Many burdens in life are made a bit lighter when they are shared with someone who cares.
 
Tiina63 said:
I am so sorry to hear that your aunt has dementia. It is so good though that she has you in her life for support, and that you truly love each other. Many burdens in life are made a bit lighter when they are shared with someone who cares.

Thank you for your beautiful post.
 
Thank you guys. You guys are right. She has started developing dementia and I have to understand her. I promised myself to never let her down again. She truly loves me and so do I

My mother, who was my best and closest friend, died almost 2 years ago of Alzheimers dementia after several years of suffering.

For those who have seen dementia (i don't know if your aunt has vascular or alzheimers) in a loved one, up close and personal, it is truly horrible, and no words of mine can begin to explain how bad it can get. If your aunt in only 50 this is very young for this problem, are you sure it is the correct diagnosis? Assuming it is, the family should make sure she gets any and all treatments, drugs etc available, and don't be fobbed off. We waited 3 years for a proper diagnosis for Mum, during which time she got worse. Once she got the drugs she was a little better (for a while, anyway).

Do not deal with this alone, there is always this forum to use, and Alzheimer support ones too, altho I myself did not find them so helpful, curiously.

Dementia takes every patient in a bit of a different way, the worst for me was that my best friend, my warm and loving Mum with a strog sense of humour, began to call me names, accuse me (to other people) of stealing from her, physically attacked me ( I could go on but I won't). I hope that none of this happens in your case, but even tho you love your aunt there are times when you will find your patience stretched to non-existence. Email me any time about this if you want to.
 
jaguarundi said:
No you are not a horrible person, but maybe sometimes you act a bit thoughtlessly or badly - don't we all!! If you feel badly about what you say, maybe before you say hurtful things to your aunt next time, perhaps you could remind yourself how it feels when hurtful things are said to you by your Mum? Not good, is it? I wonder if you are learning your hurtful ways from her, and passing them on to others.

Sounds like your aunt gave up a lot and helped raise you, she might be depressed and needs to get back some of the love and attention that she gave. I don't know if you are ill or disabled, but if there are things you don't like in the house why not get on your feet and help out yourself? It might be the best way to show your aunt that she has raised a thoughtful, caring person....

very good advise. It may help her.
louisei7ii
5
 
jaguarundi said:
Thank you guys. You guys are right. She has started developing dementia and I have to understand her. I promised myself to never let her down again. She truly loves me and so do I

My mother, who was my best and closest friend, died almost 2 years ago of Alzheimers dementia after several years of suffering.

For those who have seen dementia (i don't know if your aunt has vascular or alzheimers) in a loved one, up close and personal, it is truly horrible, and no words of mine can begin to explain how bad it can get. If your aunt in only 50 this is very young for this problem, are you sure it is the correct diagnosis? Assuming it is, the family should make sure she gets any and all treatments, drugs etc available, and don't be fobbed off. We waited 3 years for a proper diagnosis for Mum, during which time she got worse. Once she got the drugs she was a little better (for a while, anyway).

Do not deal with this alone, there is always this forum to use, and Alzheimer support ones too, altho I myself did not find them so helpful, curiously.

Dementia takes every patient in a bit of a different way, the worst for me was that my best friend, my warm and loving Mum with a strog sense of humour, began to call me names, accuse me (to other people) of stealing from her, physically attacked me ( I could go on but I won't). I hope that none of this happens in your case, but even tho you love your aunt there are times when you will find your patience stretched to non-existence. Email me any time about this if you want to.
Thank you for the advice and information.
 

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