Fear of intimacy

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futurecatlady

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I'm an on and off member here... I think the last time I was here was a couple years ago, but I keep coming back because this community is so understanding and I can relate to a lot of the problems people here face.

So, I'm back again with another dilemma. I'm 26 and have never been in a relationship. Big deal, a lot of my friends are in the same boat and I'm neither attractive nor particularly interesting so I understand the lack of prospects.

The real problem is that every time (every. single. time.) there is a chance that something could work out with someone, I start shrinking back. I'll meet someone, hit it off, feel attracted, but as soon as we're actually on a date I shut down. I don't want to stand near them, I'm constantly afraid they'll try to touch me or come closer to me, and I just want to get out of the situation. I feel creeped out and repelled, and I just want to be alone and safe again.

At first I figured it was just that I wasn't really attracted to the guys. There was always something wrong with them. They're slightly rude to the waiter, or they have an oddly shaped nose, or they aren't interested in any of the same things I'm interested in. But lately, I've been going on dates with guys who I actually like. Still, my brain always finds something wrong with them and I abruptly cut things off.

This last time was the last straw. I met a guy who is basically perfect--attractive, funny, friendly, good natured, nonthreatening. I was thrilled when he asked me out, and I--ridiculously--began envisioning a future together where I could introduce him to friends, talk about him with my mom, even get into fights and make up (it was pretty silly). We went on one date, and it was okay. I wasn't ready to jump him, but I wasn't grossed out either. So far so good.

But then date number two happened, and he naturally started trying to get closer. He stood nearer to me when we were walking, made more eye contact, and at one point put his arm around my shoulder. I couldn't do it. I ended the date prematurely and we all went home sad and alone.

I see other couples being close and intimate with each other, and movies where people kiss on the first date (and it's not traumatizing), and hear my friends' woes about wanting to be physically close to someone and be with them, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I could be one of them. I wish I could just enjoy the feeling of someone's arm around me without the fear and repulsion. Even if it means being rejected, I wish I could want that.

I've considered the possibility that I'm asexual, but I don't think that's it. I fantasize about these things, and when I'm drunk it's okay; it's just when it's actually happening and I'm sober I feel this urgency to get away and make it stop.

Whew, sorry for the essay. I just had to get it all down. Has anyone else felt this way? How did you get over it?
 
Usually when someone is afraid of being close to someone it is because of a very bad experience in a relationship in the past. Although you haven't been in a close love relationship, what sort of relationships have you had and do you have with other important people in your life? Your parents, siblings etc? If you have had very painful experiences with someone else who is significant to you, this could be why you are so afraid.
Your fear seems to be largely physical. Sometimes this can happen when a person has been sexually abused as a child. I was sexually abused at 13 and it took till my late thirties till I could stand to be touched by a man.
 
What Tiina63 said. It's mostly linked to some unpleasant experience, it's hard to rewire your brains way of thinking the longer you leave it. From the sounds of it you WANT to be able to be close with someone. It's something that's gonna take time, and probably feel daunting to you, but you're going to have to start very slow. This can be difficult with dating guys as like you said; they naturally want to get close. Maybe it's something you need to explain, to be honest this probably would weed out the crummy guys anyway who don't don't want to wait.
 
I´m sorry for the troubles of yours:( It must be tough to go thru all of this.
But maybe you should be honest about things with the dates of yours. Maybe even with the last one. Tell him how you feel about that, that you have this block of yours because of which you are scared of being intimate. If the guy is really thoughtful and emphatic, he should understand, and take it "slow".
I thing that as time progresses, you may start believing him and maybe even craving those little touches, kisses on cheek, maybe even a hug, etc...

But the thing I´m trying to say is, that you should be honest about this. The last guy may be sad and alone as well after this. If he got a text that explains it, and you show him that you liked him, it may be nice for him as well.
It may be tough to have a problem like this. But I feel like this one in particular is not one of those that you can conquer alone. A feel like you need the help of someone thoughtful and emphatic who likes you. Maybe, just maybe, the guy you liked and went out with...

But I sure hope you find someone who will be able to break out of this shelf that makes you feel sad. No matter if its a boy, girl, friend, stranger...
I wish for you the best.
 
Mr.YellowCat said:
It may be tough to have a problem like this. But I feel like this one in particular is not one of those that you can conquer alone. A feel like you need the help of someone thoughtful and emphatic who likes you. Maybe, just maybe, the guy you liked and went out with...

I think there is truth to this. You need to find someone who is empathic, someone trustworthy and nice who will accept that you have this block and would be willing to help you through it one step at a time.
 
I agree 100% with Mr YellowCat. That was a terrific post he made. You should definitely contact that last guy and at least explain. You'll feel better for having made the effort, even if the two of you never meet again.

**

I hear you. I used to be the same, and no, I was not traumatized in any such way, especially sexually, as a child.
During my late teen years I'd meet boys, spend some time with them, but the moment I realized we were both getting rather close, especially emotionally, I'd panic and run away (metaphorically). I couldn't even stand them holding my hand as we walked. I don't know why.
What I know is, I never received any form of physical affection from my parents when I grew up. There were no hugs, there were no gentle words...... To this day (and I'm >30) my mother has never once hugged me. Maybe that had something to do with it.
What I did to overcome it, I forced myself, as simple as that. I eventually realized the thought pattern that was going on in my mind, and I recognized the one moment that said "Stop! Run!", and I fought against it. I figured I'd always be alone if I always ran. It wasn't so hard in retrospect, that's why I believe you can also do it. I was a few years younger than you when that change of mind happened, but that doesn't matter.

Nowadays, unfortunately (in some ways, not in all!), I only meet people online. Not deliberately, but it just so happens every time :) So when it comes to the first "real life" meeting, yeah, it's still a challenge, and it's awkward as hell at first. But I'm good otherwise. I don't normally feel like running away anymore.

Of course, not every guy you meet is a nice, good person, so always retain a sense of caution! Always protect yourself first! *hugs*
 
Thanks for the advice, guys! I really should probably explain to him what's going on. I think he was confused and probably wondered what he did wrong, and I don't want him to feel that way. I will probably just end it though; we live kind of far for each other and I don't think it would be worth it for him to deal with the distance AND the "distance."

I did not have any traumatic experience as a child. I was never very close to my dad and actually, a lot of what I feel towards guys is similar to how I felt with my dad (don't want to be close, don't want to be near him). It was probably more traumatic to my dad. :\ He was a very difficult person to deal with, but I could never figure out the degree of my aversion. But maybe that explains my general wariness towards men I don't know well.
 
futurecatlady said:
I did not have any traumatic experience as a child. I was never very close to my dad and actually, a lot of what I feel towards guys is similar to how I felt with my dad (don't want to be close, don't want to be near him). It was probably more traumatic to my dad. :\ He was a very difficult person to deal with, but I could never figure out the degree of my aversion. But maybe that explains my general wariness towards men I don't know well.


Wow.... 95% of this I could have written myself.
 
I was the same way. In my twenties I sought out a gf and stopped as soon as it got to kissing and such. But I have physical issues that make me afraid of being intimate. You didn't mention any. Your reaction seems purely psychological and you should cure yourself by thinking about why you have this block.Talk to yourself. Ask questions with a quiet mind and wait for the answers to pop into your head.
 

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