futurecatlady
Well-known member
I'm an on and off member here... I think the last time I was here was a couple years ago, but I keep coming back because this community is so understanding and I can relate to a lot of the problems people here face.
So, I'm back again with another dilemma. I'm 26 and have never been in a relationship. Big deal, a lot of my friends are in the same boat and I'm neither attractive nor particularly interesting so I understand the lack of prospects.
The real problem is that every time (every. single. time.) there is a chance that something could work out with someone, I start shrinking back. I'll meet someone, hit it off, feel attracted, but as soon as we're actually on a date I shut down. I don't want to stand near them, I'm constantly afraid they'll try to touch me or come closer to me, and I just want to get out of the situation. I feel creeped out and repelled, and I just want to be alone and safe again.
At first I figured it was just that I wasn't really attracted to the guys. There was always something wrong with them. They're slightly rude to the waiter, or they have an oddly shaped nose, or they aren't interested in any of the same things I'm interested in. But lately, I've been going on dates with guys who I actually like. Still, my brain always finds something wrong with them and I abruptly cut things off.
This last time was the last straw. I met a guy who is basically perfect--attractive, funny, friendly, good natured, nonthreatening. I was thrilled when he asked me out, and I--ridiculously--began envisioning a future together where I could introduce him to friends, talk about him with my mom, even get into fights and make up (it was pretty silly). We went on one date, and it was okay. I wasn't ready to jump him, but I wasn't grossed out either. So far so good.
But then date number two happened, and he naturally started trying to get closer. He stood nearer to me when we were walking, made more eye contact, and at one point put his arm around my shoulder. I couldn't do it. I ended the date prematurely and we all went home sad and alone.
I see other couples being close and intimate with each other, and movies where people kiss on the first date (and it's not traumatizing), and hear my friends' woes about wanting to be physically close to someone and be with them, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I could be one of them. I wish I could just enjoy the feeling of someone's arm around me without the fear and repulsion. Even if it means being rejected, I wish I could want that.
I've considered the possibility that I'm asexual, but I don't think that's it. I fantasize about these things, and when I'm drunk it's okay; it's just when it's actually happening and I'm sober I feel this urgency to get away and make it stop.
Whew, sorry for the essay. I just had to get it all down. Has anyone else felt this way? How did you get over it?
So, I'm back again with another dilemma. I'm 26 and have never been in a relationship. Big deal, a lot of my friends are in the same boat and I'm neither attractive nor particularly interesting so I understand the lack of prospects.
The real problem is that every time (every. single. time.) there is a chance that something could work out with someone, I start shrinking back. I'll meet someone, hit it off, feel attracted, but as soon as we're actually on a date I shut down. I don't want to stand near them, I'm constantly afraid they'll try to touch me or come closer to me, and I just want to get out of the situation. I feel creeped out and repelled, and I just want to be alone and safe again.
At first I figured it was just that I wasn't really attracted to the guys. There was always something wrong with them. They're slightly rude to the waiter, or they have an oddly shaped nose, or they aren't interested in any of the same things I'm interested in. But lately, I've been going on dates with guys who I actually like. Still, my brain always finds something wrong with them and I abruptly cut things off.
This last time was the last straw. I met a guy who is basically perfect--attractive, funny, friendly, good natured, nonthreatening. I was thrilled when he asked me out, and I--ridiculously--began envisioning a future together where I could introduce him to friends, talk about him with my mom, even get into fights and make up (it was pretty silly). We went on one date, and it was okay. I wasn't ready to jump him, but I wasn't grossed out either. So far so good.
But then date number two happened, and he naturally started trying to get closer. He stood nearer to me when we were walking, made more eye contact, and at one point put his arm around my shoulder. I couldn't do it. I ended the date prematurely and we all went home sad and alone.
I see other couples being close and intimate with each other, and movies where people kiss on the first date (and it's not traumatizing), and hear my friends' woes about wanting to be physically close to someone and be with them, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I could be one of them. I wish I could just enjoy the feeling of someone's arm around me without the fear and repulsion. Even if it means being rejected, I wish I could want that.
I've considered the possibility that I'm asexual, but I don't think that's it. I fantasize about these things, and when I'm drunk it's okay; it's just when it's actually happening and I'm sober I feel this urgency to get away and make it stop.
Whew, sorry for the essay. I just had to get it all down. Has anyone else felt this way? How did you get over it?