The Serenity of Sleep

For the past couple months I have been trapped in my head.

At night I can't sleep and all I want to do is sleep. I find myself in this aversive state of hopelessness and feeling so trapped that I can't help but research the means to an end. Having all the knowledge I need now, somehow makes me feel better. But I can't help researching more and more, even researching how families of bereaved can learn to cope.

I'm don't want to torture my family or cause them anymore pain. My head often aches when I stop using my daily mask, my shell, and question myself as to where I can go.

In high school I used to spend lunch in an empty piano room where I taught myself to play piano and wrote songs drawing pictures on paper where the note would be. I have songs that play in my head now, melodies that sound like a fading heart beat.

People I love waving goodbye in the fog I got lost in, I wish I could have showed them how much they meant but nothing I could ever draw or write conveyed what I meant.

I've always felt I didn't belong and in ways I didn't want to.

I've talked to some of the kindest people on these forums. Thank you for the help I never got anywhere else. Maybe someone can understand me.

These are the images and thoughts that plague my head:

Hi, reading through your post and looking at your picture of your thoughts I can say I relate. I've also done the same as you, researching etc but something is stopping me taking the next step, maybe my family. I feel the same sense of entrapment as you and right now my life seems a chore. I'm turning to other means of art than music (I play guitar, or at least try) like drawing to try and help myself. I recently told a good friend how I feel about life at the moment, kinda by accident and he's doing his best to help me. There are ways to get out of this feeling. Maybe not get rid of it but learning to live with it which I am trying to do because I don't think I will ever feel at one with life. It's hard to put a finger on or explain why I feel like this, I guess some of us just become stranded. Just know I understand how you feel. If you ever need talk, about anything however trivial or serious, feel free to message me.

ATimeBeing said:

Hi, reading through your post and looking at your picture of your thoughts I can say I relate. I've also done the same as you, researching etc but something is stopping me taking the next step, maybe my family. I feel the same sense of entrapment as you and right now my life seems a chore. I'm turning to other means of art than music (I play guitar, or at least try) like drawing to try and help myself. I recently told a good friend how I feel about life at the moment, kinda by accident and he's doing his best to help me. There are ways to get out of this feeling. Maybe not get rid of it but learning to live with it which I am trying to do because I don't think I will ever feel at one with life. It's hard to put a finger on or explain why I feel like this, I guess some of us just become stranded. Just know I understand how you feel. If you ever need talk, about anything however trivial or serious, feel free to message me.

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Thank you so much. I feel a little relief in knowing I'm not alone. I will try to focus on my art more as well. I told my closest friend about how I was feeling and asked him if we could talk more but his girlfriend doesn't like me so he doesn't message me much. We message each other about once every 2 weeks, just to say hello. I think I might have scared him by telling him how I'd been feeling and I regret telling him.

I know it may feel like you're alone most of the time, sometimes we have to try and reach out although I know that is a lot easier said than done... I don't think you should regret telling him. Maybe he is just unsure as to what to say and to hear his friend is in a dark place such as this. A lot of us fear the unknown.

ATimeBeing said:

I know it may feel like you're alone most of the time, sometimes we have to try and reach out although I know that is a lot easier said than done... I don't think you should regret telling him. Maybe he is just unsure as to what to say and to hear his friend is in a dark place such as this. A lot of us fear the unknown.

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Yeah, You're right. I understand. I only told him once and I just asked him if it'd be alright to talk more often, not about dark things just everyday stuff like what we were up to. But like I said, I had a bad feeling about telling him and after I did a rift began to grow. No matter how much I told him he was such a great friend to me and how happy I was just being able to know him, the void grew. I was always happy to be able to chat with him and I conveyed it.

I'm glad he seems to be doing well for himself. I never want to drag anyone else down. Thank you so much for your responses. I can't stop the music in my head so I try to listen to music to override the songs in my head.

One thing that gives me relief is knowing people that used to know me might feel a little less pain if I died here. But only a little. I've avoided costly things so it wouldn't be more of a waste and I've saved up enough to cover more than funeral costs. It gives me a kind of peace and solace.

I'm happy to respond anytime, been hard for me to find someone who feels kinda like I do so it's good for me too. Music can help alot, it helps me get through a lot, although my iPod broke a few days ago so need to find the motivation to get it fixed. Do you find listening to music helps?
I'm not sure it would Kid_A, the pain would be just as intense. Please don't do anything too drastic, you are more than you'll ever know. You are everything. I try and find peace in the fact that I am the planet I live on, the space I occupy. I love looking up at the stars on a clear night sky. I could do that forever. Just that.

That's so awesome. I know exactly what you mean.

Yeah, music has helped me my whole life. When I was 8 I'd keep my radio beside my bed at night and wait for a song I really liked to play, then record it to tape. I did that with Creep by Radiohead, The Red by Chevelle, Smooth Criminal cover by Alien Ant Farm and a few others.

Oh no, that's terrible! My ipod mini fell out of my pocket when I was crossing a street and a Semi ran over it. I ran back to get it and amazingly it still works. I saw my life flash before my eyes in that moment so I feel for you.

Yeah, I feel the same way looking at the sky at night and the clouds in daytime. But maybe my vision's been distorted because to me the clouds are playing Sing Me To Sleep by The Smiths, telling me it's ok. I hear music with or without my ipod.

I think if I went home and found out I could live with parting from my husband, who's like family to me, I could make it. Maybe then I could find myself again.

Thank you, it felt good to get that out and think about with someone else instead of by myself like always.

Same here, first song I ever paid attention to was Stan by Eminem and although I listen to all types of music, Eminem and that genre have been my main staple. Although at the moment Eminem, Biffy Clyro and little known UK artist called CAS seem to be what I'm listening to most at the moment. I wonder sometimes if musicians ever realize how much of an effect they can have on people's lives. People they have never and most probably will never meet. The power of music huh?

Oh that was lucky! Must have been a good day I hear music too without my iPod. Well less the music more certain lyrics. Sometimes they just play over and over in my head for what seems like always. Looking upwards at the day sky or night sky, well I'm not sure really. Sometimes I find it hard to fathom how small we really are relative to everything. But there's a beauty in the forever of the night sky that I don't know how to describe. This may seem a weird question but do you have a type of cloud you like the most.

I saw you photos above the clouds in another post btw. Very beautiful.

Maybe shows a little hope. As long as there's hope there's always a chance, no matter how small. Even if it isn't conscious, it's there somewhere, if that makes sense

Sometimes being trapped with your own thoughts seems the hardest thing in the world. So thank you too.

I just looked up the lyrics to Stan, yeah music is very influential. That's a unique song. I was into Eminem more when the Eminem Show came out. I had that CD. lol When a friend of my Dads told him about the swearing in Eminem's music my parents took my CD and threw it away. So I'd just record stuff off the radio. lol
I think some musicians do know the extent of their influence. For example, in general, the latest Muse album is all about how we need to change our ways of destroying nature and our greed. Radiohead songs make me feel like I'm not alone in feelings of hopelessness but those songs are a double edged sword. Deftones always reminded me of hanging with my best friend and going for drives, blasting music and having a good time drinking energy drinks. Now Deftones songs make me miss those times and feel sad because I don't think I'll be able to see them again. So I avoid listening to their album Diamond Eyes. It is a really epic album though, you should check it out sometime if you feel like it.

Woah! That's the same as me! It's like you can feel the space between you and the star you're looking at. It's a very different feeling but peaceful in that second. That is just like me, I'd go for walks or rides on my skate board at night with my ipod and reach a spot on this hill to just look up. I'd always see at least one shooting star, people don't realize how many there are if you just keep watching. Thank you, I'm really glad you liked the pictures. ^_^ That's definitely not a weird question, I like the stratus, cumulonimbus, and cumulous clouds. The ones that are really crisp, white and castle-looking. I like the layers of stratus clouds as I can imagine flying into an opening and laying there in that pocket of cloud. I love how before the sun is about to set there is a gold glow making the clouds shine magnificent colors. I love the sky.

Yeah, I know you're right inside. I was truly happy when I could go out into nature when I needed to. I can't do that here. I have no car and I live in a denser city than I used to. Power lines block the sky and at night my neighbors outdoor light is so bright it makes it hard to see the stars. I want to go home... If I can.

I agree, anytime. We've got a symbiosis effect on each other, it seems.

Unique indeed, a lot of layers and emotion in the song. I think The Eminem Show was Eminem at the height of his career - In the mainstream at least. lol yeah quite a bit of swearing in his music, some of it is probably quite disturbing too to a lot of people, songs like Kim and '97 Bonnie and Clyde - the latter more because there is a calm, peaceful sense to the song - wouldn't sit well with most folk. You have a rebellious streak I'm sensing a little?
I think if more artists realized their influence, the music industry would be better. Or maybe it's not that more artists don't realize their influence but more choose not to make use of it? Only album I've listened to of Muse is Black Holes And Revelations but them subjects speak to me, sad to see out planet declining the way it is at the moment, so maybe I'll give that a listen as well. I just downloaded Diamond Eyes on iTunes, I'll give it a listen throughout the day, can't say no to listening to new music

Even though they are so far away, the stars, you can still definitely feel some sort of connection with them or at least I do, do you? I think a lot of people are too impatient to wait admire the night sky in our day although there are a lot like us out there who love it too! Oh I'd love to sit on a cloud if I could, maybe not cloud 9 though. I like seeing a lone cloud like on a day with blue sky but there's just one or two clouds floating on their own. Do you prefer sunset or sunrise? The sky and nature can and is beautiful that's for sure, even in it's devastation sometimes. I like when the sun pokes through really dark, grey clouds as well.
Do you mind me asking where here is and where home is? I'm the same, when at one with nature is when I will be happier I think. It's like the planet is calling me to explore it as much as possible. Human nature I guess. It adds to the sense of entrapment right? You just wanna fly away but you can't. I'm trying to save up to travel in October actually, I just hope I can actually do it. What is your favourite 'thing' about nature, if you have one?

It seems we do, in a positive sense.

I agree, that probably would have been the mainstream height of his career. I don't mind swearing in music it's the effect it has on the listener that's most important. For me it was an outlet of getting stress from school out. I was alone and got picked on by everyone that knew me since I was 10 years old. Kids would follow me on my walk home, staying close behind me they'd make unsightly comments and get a good laugh. Yeah, I rebelled against that. My parents just wanted me to ignore those kids and get good grades. It was stressful. lol Maybe I do have a little rebellious streak, I've always wanted a motorcycle. ^ ^ I think you're right and I think with all the technology available now, (bad) artists are finding they don't have to do much work. This is just my own speculation, though. I'm glad you feel that way, I hope most people do. Wow! That's so awesome! I can't wait to discuss that album with you. It's a great one for wandering around at night looking at the Milky Way. ^-^

Yep, I do. It used to help me sleep at night, looking up and knowing they're there. That's a tough question, I like sunrise and sunset for different reasons. Sunrise clouds can be really spectacular and have a gold/silver lining. Sunset clouds have the warm hues that constantly change and morph as time passes. So I like both sunset and sunrise equally. Agreed, those times when the sun pokes through the clouds casting rays like beams through moist air are unforgettable.

No, I don't mind. I lived in America up until 3 & 1/2 years ago. I moved to Australia on my own when I was 19.

Exactly! It's like you're being summoned by nature to admire life itself. It is humanity at the core. This is our home.
That'll be good for you when you can get away, you must be excited. ^ ^ I'd say my favorite thing about nature is it's really alive. I mean everything has a purpose and a meaning. There's balance. I worry a lot about certain species that are fragile from the weight we humans have put on one of then ends of the scale. How sad it would be to die alone, the last of your kind.

True, can't say swearing in music has much effect on me, although I suppose in a way it can help a artist portray certain emotions better. Kids can be cruel sadly, seems to me they're getting more cruel as well especially with the social media's. Although I can't relate to bullying I can relate to stress as a youngster and it is hard, grades are not at the forefront of your mind. I think we all have a rebellious side, just some people don't let it out or don't want to. Any kinda bike? Harley? I would agree with you, less and less talent is needed it seems to 'make it' in the music industry. Well I'm 976-Evil so far, I think Beauty School and Sextape are my favourites so far although I'm sure it will change on a second listen.

It's the opposite for me sometimes, although not in a bad way. I just lay awake thinking about the vastness of it all. Well they seem good enough reasons to me!
That must of been hard no? Moving to Australia at that age on your own? Do you enjoy it there? A friend of mine just moved to Australia actually, he was trying to get me to go, I kinda wish I did now...

Indeed it is, we are born to want to explore naturally but in my opinion it is conditioned out of us - well most of us anyway - from an early age which is a shame. I am excited yeah! Just have to decide where to go first.

Very true, unfortunately we have taken the stance that we own the planet and it's ours when of course we are just mere inhabitants. Inhabitants who seem to not give a **** or at least the corporate elite don't seem to. Eventually - if we carry on like we are - we will push too far and won't be able to save this amazing place from decline. Do you have a favourite animal at all?

Kawasaki Ninja for me. ^^

I've done that, as well. We're so small in the scheme of things, like one subatomic particle in the ocean.
Yes, it was the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I initially thought I'd be fine because I'd be with the one I loved more than anything but that person changed. I became trapped and isolated from everything. I lived with his family who would talk over me if I began to speak and who didn't want me to have friends. I wasn't allowed to give out the home number to anyone and when I'd try to tell my parter how I felt he'd act as if I had some mental disorder because his parents were, "good people." He would always defend them and I have no idea what I did that was so Wrong, wanting to spend time with my partner one day of the week?

You're so right! Those are my thoughts exactly!

This is so awesome, I can see some major discussions going on between you and I in the future. Yeah, it just sickens you doesn't it?

My all time favorite is the great white shark. However, I really like all animals. Australian marsupials are really adorable and interesting. I like quolls, bandicoots, greater gliders(they look like mogwais lol from the movie gremlins), wombats, sugar gliders, echidnas and koalas. I could go on for ages, so I'll stop there. lol

That's a shame. Not nice to see someone you think you know, change so much.
Many a major discussion, hopefully. You can't beat a major discussion, right?

It does, it's just sad that there isn't more people who care. Or people who are willing to act on their true feelings. Even if it's just attending protests against this or that. But, I do think the consciousness of many people is shifting to be more at one with nature. Maybe that is actually a survival mechanism of nature, who knows? But yeah I hope it's a matter of time before we change.

Sugar gliders? They sound cool. Guess you can't really dislike any animal, afterall they're just living out their existence, same as us.

Yeah, he'd rather keep me here than shake and part with good will towards one another. He said he wouldn't move to America for me and he said if I went back I'd be dead to him. I've been afraid of someone before but not like this. He's threatened me many times and since we don't live with his family anymore there's not much I feel I can do. It's very difficult for me because I feel trapped in this place in time and hope runs dry at times. Things are better now that I've discovered I'm not so alone as I thought and I'm hoping this will empower me to finally leave. I know I can do it if I'm not alone.
Yes, many for sure! No, no you can't.

Yes, I'm hoping with my photography someday I can create something that will make people think to themselves. Like a billboard or something on the highway that many people can see and hopefully it will touch them. Make them think about more than their little bubble of every day suburban life. I think you're right on that one. You nailed it. I think the only way is through education.

Oh man, they are. Yep. We think of filth when we think of pigeons and rats but in reality it's our fault if they're dirty. They just adapted better to the environment we have created, thus the balance is in disarray. Thankfully, as you said, with our cognition and intelligence more and more of of us are understanding the impact of urban development and pollution. Though, doesn't it seem like we've known it already for far too long?

I'm sorry to hear that Wish I could do something more to help. But still you are thinking with a positive edge which good. No you are not alone, that's for sure.

That's a great idea, something that will stick with people long after their car journey has ended. The sort that will hopefully nag at them until they act on it. Yep, education is a big part of it definitely, although it isn't a massive part of what children are taught is it? I know if I have kids I will be teaching them about this, whether schools do or not.

Very true, since we have a greater responsibility - in my eyes due to our so called greater intelligence - to look after animals and such and we kind of just leave them to it or use them for our own self-gain. You're exactly right, we've known it for decades upon decadeds..I suppose greed is more powerful than I want to do good sometimes..

Thank you, you've done more than enough by chatting with me. Seriously, right now I feel good just to know you.

Yeah! It's going to be a painstakingly meticulous operation but this is something I've always imagined doing. That's admirable of you.

I think the responsibility lies in not infringing on there habitats and leaving them be. If the ecosystem is healthy, there's no need for human intervention. The only thing we need to practice is preservation. Too much greed is the pandemic of our kind.

On a different note, is there anything that helps you sleep when the music plays in your head?

Like wise so thank you too.
I've no doubt you will get there, who knows, maybe they will be a catalyst for change!

Yep, totally agree with that. That's where the idea that we own the planet comes into play. We think we can do what we want and we really can't, not without consequences.

I'll be honest I find it hard sometimes. There's the music and then a 1000 thoughts a minute to go with it. Sometimes though, and this may sound a little weird but I close my eyes and just imagine I'm floating through the void and blackness of space. But I try my best not too think to much about it I kind of just let it take me. I suppose it's maybe a kind of meditation. That's probably not much help.

Maybe you could try thinking of a song with more positive connotations, maybe one with a slower tempo? But don't think about the actual song too much if that makes sense. Kind of let it play at a lesser volume in your head. Try and using the music playing as a meditation. Sorry, probably not much help.

I'll always be there for you, if I can. I think so!

Ah, I see. Where you have thoughts, I have images and scenes that play. That doesn't sound weird at all. I'm going to try that next time it happens. I think when I was younger I used to lose my eyes and think of this beach in Mexico. It was a place my family always visited. When my Dad's mother died she left him her beach house in her will. She lived there. I never got to know her, so the remnants and old philosophy books were a connection. The beach is so peaceful. There are almost no people that live there just a line of houses in the sand that are mostly owned by people living in AZ. The water is so clear, you can see 30+ feet in front of you. It's called Playa Encanto, which translates to Enchanted Place. By the way, you help me in a big way. Thank you.

Alright, I'll try it. I know what you mean. Thank you so much. I'll let you know how I go next time it happens.

Well that's nice to know, I can only reciprocate that

Can I ask just out of curiosity, are they always vivid or do they vary? You may find it hard at first if you try it, I know I did. It kept me awake more at first because I thought too much about details but I learned to just go with it.
The beach sounds lovely, I'd love to teleport there now and let the water lap over me. Can't say I've ever seen see water that clear, except for in images but not in reality. The peacefulness sounds a good restbite too. Did you go there often? I just actually looked Playa Encanto, even on google earth the water looks so clear. It does look beautiful. You are most welcome. It's good for me to know I help, good for the spirit.

Please do, it will be interesting to hear if it makes any difference.