The Importance of Physical Attraction?

I recently reactivated a dating site account I had suspended for quite some time, and I was reminded of a self-critical question I've posed to myself over the years:

Question: Why is physical attractiveness important to you in a mate?

Let me explain why this came back to mind. When I reactivated my account, within hours I had two women indicate interest in me. Great, I thought. It felt like a promising kick-start back into the online dating scene. However, I was reminded of the above question because I do not find either woman to be very attractive.

I am a sensitive sort, and the emotions I felt for not finding these women attractive were sudden and confusing. In one way, I felt horribly for these women that I would not be interested due to a lack of attraction to them. However, (to take this into Jekyll and Hyde territory,) I cannot possibly discount attractiveness as a normal and important part of any romantic relationship.

It must be said that neither woman is compatible with me in any other area, so I'm not ignoring a potentially great match because I don't feel physically attracted to them. But it illustrates an anxiety I have about the process of dating. I sometimes wonder if I'm taking my own standard for beauty and placing it too high on my list of needs. I fear that I am focusing on the wrong things. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I just cannot imagine being attracted to someone that I don't find physically appealing in some way.

And then I beat myself up when I give any importance to beauty whatsoever. Is this something I should feel shame over? Or, do I chalk this up to the normal process of finding a good mate?

Honestly, when I meet a woman, I must feel some semblance of physical attraction to her, but I have met women who I didn't find particularly attractive until we started talking and laughing and having fun, and suddenly, she became more and more beautiful in my eyes.

Maybe I'm just bullying myself because these two women on a dating site don't appeal to me. Maybe I'm focusing too much on their position and not thinking enough about my own needs, my own happiness, and my own fulfillment.

I am interested in what you all think with respect to how high you place physical attractiveness in your own efforts to find a partner.

I encourage thoughtful, respectful responses.

Case said:

I must feel some semblance of physical attraction to her...

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Perfectly normal - don't beat yourself up over it.

^ I second that.

Thanks guys. The nice guy in me empathizes so much with people sometimes that I get in my own way in my path to happiness. I see other guys who have no problem brushing aside women they don't connect with, and I always have this urge to say to these women, "Don't worry. I'm sure you're a great woman and that you'll find a quality partner soon." But I realize if I did that, I'd never have any time to focus on my goals.

One difficulty I have is not responding to women who have emailed me. It's so counter-intuitive because I feel like such an a'hole, even though I know that it's standard on dating sites to ignore any emails from people you know you won't connect with.

I guess the reason I started this thread is that society is quite schizophrenic about beauty. On the one hand, the media shows us photoshopped pics of women who look like porcelain dolls with 0% fat, no wrinkles, no skin folds, and no complexion irregularities, making men think that this is the standard for beauty, which is utter BS. The opposite side is a real woman, who is healthy and attractive, but a magazine's photoshop guy would find over 100 ways to "improve" her with his computer.

So, when I ignore people who contact me, I have this anxiety (at least I identify it as such,) that I am unwittingly perpetuating the Photoshop culture of unreal beauty.

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I think too much. LOL

I don't think physical attraction is all that important, but I still need to be attracted to someone in order to start thinking about a relationship.

I tend to focus on the inner beauty of those around me. Are they loving, caring, kind and gentle? Do they stimulate me intellectually? Do we share the same interests and hobbies? Do we have similar values, hopes and dreams? These things are infinitely more important to me than their physical appearance.

I have noticed something interesting over the years. The more beautiful I find someone on the inside, the more I start to find them attractive on the outside - to the point that they look amazing to me even if no one else can see it.

Case said:

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I think too much actually care about possibly hurting other people.

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Better.

You need to be at least a little attracted to someone for it to work in my opinion. Some people may not feel that way, and more power to them. Ideally you would want to ultimately judge someone on what's inside, but attraction is definitely necessary.

Just a mans opinion here from the uk, I would just say take as a person as a whole, boths sides are important

If you know nothing about the person then physical attractiveness is everything. On the other hand you can start to find people attractive (both physically and emotionally) when you start to know more and more about them. Granted, if the person is seriously unattractive (just ugly, or obese, or whatever you find to be a turn off) you will never be attracted to them romantically.

This is the way I USED TO VIEW PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE MEN:

The following is going to sound very, very prejudiced against men who I used to not feel physically attractive to at all. It is also, not something that I would ever have revealed on this Forum.

I used to consider a physically attractive man to me to have to have these qualities about the way he looked: He had to have a good looking face, nice hair, a decent body, he must have been at least be 4 inches at least taller than me, and have some other qualities that now I really don't even remember, since they are so unimportant to me now.

NOW THIS IS WHAT I DID:

The most shallow way I judged a man was to ask myself one question: Could I be intimate with him? If the answer was no, then I ruled him out.

Now that I am older, and what I believe is wiser, I realize that I was judging men, and I realize there was a very good chance that they could be judging me! Despite my inner qualities and whether someone considered them good or not, could have little or nothing to do with if a man FOUND ME PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE.

I stopped asking that shallow, and now I consider a very stupid, question, and if a meet a man in person or online, I look for the good qualities in him. In person I found that physical attraction to me really meant, IN MY OPINION, the way he carried himself, if he dressed neatly--not expensive clothes--but clean and not the look of just jumping out of a hamper--his laugh, his ability to carry on a conversation with me without having to curse a lot, the way he acted, and whether or not his personality was one that seemed pleasant to me.

I know a man that my answer to that SHALLOW QUESTION was no back before I changed my train of thought, and he now is very attractive to me because of his good qualities, his laugh and personality.

Maybe this is a payback or Karma, but he is married!

I can't imagine being with someone where there was no physical attraction to start with, but from there on they become more or less attractive depending on their personality, values etc. This is highly hypocritical of course because no-one is going to find me the least bit attractive.

ardour said:

I can't imagine being with someone where there was no physical attraction to start with, but from there on they become more or less attractive depending on their personality, values etc. This is highly hypocritical of course because no-one is going to find me the least bit attractive.

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Hi Ardour,

Please don't put yourself down. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Someone may find you attractive, even though you may not. It sounds like you have terrible self-esteem, that's all. You should really work on that. Try making two lists and be honest with yourself. One being good things about me and the other list things I don't like about myself. You just may be surprised. REMEMBER BE HONEST! Only you are going to see the lists!

I think that there are some subdivisions in the attractiveness game. There are some people whom you might find stunning, others you just know you will never feel attracted to, and - maybe a large number who are 'don't knows' ... These are the ones that really grow on you as you get to know them. Some stunners may go into the 'never' category if you find they are shallow, stupid or nasty (for a relationship anyway). The more people you can put into the ' maybe if I get to know them' category, the more chance one has of finding someone special..

Case said:

I do not find either woman to be very attractive.

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Apparently you don't find them repulsive to the point of disgust, so their looks *do* matter.

The law goes: looks matter most, to most people, most of the time.

The way I see it, they weren't kidding when they called dating a game. Looking as good as you can puts one more ace in your hand.

Looks can only get you so far, if there is nothing behind it that is exactly what you are left with.

Sci-Fi said:

Looks can only get you so far, if there is nothing behind it that is exactly what you are left with.

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I wish that were true but I see women in a trance listening to good looking guy's banal conversation. On the other hand when you're ugly it seems like everything you say is considered stupid and boring. Maybe later on, as in months into it, character and intelligence start to matter.

It is possible to build attraction on something other than looks, but that is when you're starting off with offline dating.

Online dating is a different beast, because you have to have attraction to show interest.

EveWasFramed said:

Case said:

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I think too much actually care about possibly hurting other people.

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Better.

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I accept that correction.

There needs to be some level of physical attraction for me, but I definitely view the whole person, inside and out