Yeah, another "Never had a girlfriend" post

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Shiloh253

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Hey all, I'm kinda new around here so I hope this is going in the right spot.

I'm sure everyone's tired of these topics, but I've got to put this somewhere, since I don't have the courage to tell anyone in real life. I'm currently a 20 year old college student, originally from the Seattle area but I moved to Wyoming for school. The funny thing is, I never saw myself here. I had planned to enlist in the military from a pretty early age (Since it was kind of a family tradition, and just something I really wanted to do) but my poor vision stopped me. I'm legally blind in the right eye, about 20/400, and with limited vision in the left - 20/50-. I was disqualified from enlisting in any branch of the armed services three days before my senior year of high school started. So now I'm in the middle of nowhere trying to get a degree in Homeland Security.

Anyway, I've had this on my mind for a while, and just recently it got too big for me to ignore. I've been on this earth for twenty years, and in that time I've never, ever had a relationship with a girl. Never kissed one. Never held hands with one. It obviously wasn't a huge thing in middle school, and even in high school there wasn't a whole lot wrong with it. But I've been in college for two years and although I've made plenty of friends, very few of them are girls and of those that are, they're all involved in pretty serious relationships already. And if I take a step back and look at it objectively, I don't believe that I'm totally hideous. Not trying to brag, just saying that I'm not the ugliest thing to ever crawl out of the ooze (but still close.) Average height/weight, maybe a bit dorky looking but not revolting.

I feel like every passing day I'm further away from ever...well, "having" someone. I can't imagine a girl wanting to be with me, holding my hand or smiling when I call them. It's impossible for me to consider the possibility that they would want to spend any significant time with me, or that I would be able to tell them that I love them. I feel that I can't contribute anything to a relationship. I can't drive a car yet (because of my vision) I'm working a low-paying job that barely keeps my head above water, everything I've ever wanted to do has been ripped away from me because of my disability. My mind tells me every day that I'm weak and undeserving of being in a relationship. Why would someone want to be my girlfriend when I can't even go anywhere that's outside waking distance without a ride or can't read a book without sticking it three inches from my nose? I want to have the courage to ask a girl out, but every time the thought crosses my mind I remember everything that I've failed at before, and think "Why would this be any different?"
 
Hi Shiloh. I will say welcome. although as I'm not a mod it seems a bit presumptuous of me to say it first!

Short post from me.

1st - 20 years old is nothing! It might seem like it to you, but really it isn't. You have lots of time to find someone. All this stupid pressure to have a girlfriend/boyfriend before their mothers' milk has scarcely been wiped from their lips. .. ridiculous and depressing. If military service was your thing I am guessing you have a strong moral code. Would you really be happy being some little weasel with multiple sex partners (and kids with everyone of them) before you were 21?

2nd - your poor eyesight is not your fault, I suppose? I mean you didn't exactly jab yourself in the face with a fork to avoid military service? So you have not failed. It's just a rotten bloody shame for you that couldn't do it.

3rd - Well, you might be living in Wasssup Wyoming or some such place (or was it ******* Arkansas) lol - probably lovely scenery anyway. But you are doing a college degree in something that I am guessing you think is worthwhile. Nope, no failure there.

But kudos for telling the forum about how you feel, soldier. I'm guessing that was a little hard for you - and guess what? You didn't fail there, either.
 
Hi, and welcome.
I agree with Jaguarundi - you are a whole lot more than your vision! Homeland security! Sounds like something awesome and worthwhile.
Also, form a former military wife....the military isn't all it's cracked up to be, especially now. You might have just dodged a bullet with that (pun not really intended). Im sorry though, that it's something you wanted to do but can't.

Again, welcome to the forum! :)

@ Jag - lol, us mods are often the last ones to welcome people. :p We're usually busy keeping the peace and keeping the spammers away. Thank goodness for the great members who always welcome others! :)
 
Thanks for the replies, both of you!

Jag: No, there were no fork-related accidents, haha. Just born with it, optic nerve dysplasia with some nystagmus thrown in as well. It's (supposedly) not degenerative, but there's no improvements that can be made either, since optic nerve disorders are inoperable.
 
Shiloh253 said:
Thanks for the replies, both of you!

Jag: No, there were no fork-related accidents, haha. Just born with it, optic nerve dysplasia with some nystagmus thrown in as well. It's (supposedly) not degenerative, but there's no improvements that can be made either, since optic nerve disorders are inoperable.

....Yet. In 20 years time, with advances in gene therapy - who knows? And in the meantime, as far as girlfriends go, if I were you I would study-up on letting my fingers do the looking .... if you get my meaning. I had a bit of a cougar phase about - god, ages ago, and one young chappie was an absolute devil with - CENSORED- :p lol
 
Heh, that's an idea. Honestly sex isn't super important to me, it's just...it feels like I've got nothing to offer. I'm tired of being lonely, of being told that "There's someone out there for you" when I just can't imagine there being one.
 
Shiloh253 said:
Heh, that's an idea. Honestly sex isn't super important to me, it's just...it feels like I've got nothing to offer. I'm tired of being lonely, of being told that "There's someone out there for you" when I just can't imagine there being one.

I feel your pain mate.. With not being able to work within the milatary through no fault of your own, I would say just don't obsess about it, find something else that you enjoy. As far as a relationship goes, you will be fine.. Your young still, I wish I was 5 years younger lol.
You can meet someone out of nowhere that will totaly get you, don't make never being with someone into a huge thing, because its not,
If anyone would have told me in the last year that I would meet someone that was so perfect for me and wanted to be with me enough to wait for me without meeting her and was so compleatly good looking I would have never have believed them.. But it happened, and it can happen to anyone, so, you'll be just fine mate
 
I'm in my 30's and never had a girlfriend. It doesn't get easier when you get older.

You are so young, though. Just don't worry about it, and move forward from here.
 
LeaningIntoTheMuse said:
I'm in my 30's and never had a girlfriend. It doesn't get easier when you get older.

You are so young, though. Just don't worry about it, and move forward from here.

That's what I'm worried about. I have ZERO experience with relationships of any kind, which means that I'm at more and more of a disadvantage as time goes on.
 
That's what I'm worried about. I have ZERO experience with relationships of any kind, which means that I'm at more and more of a disadvantage as time goes on.
Shiloh posts

Actually I would really not agree on that. It would be much more of a disadvantage if you had some bad experiences, to make you bitter, or so many conquests that you turned into a cocky little honeysuckle.

I understand that hearing 'you are young, blah blah, you will find someone' - gets a bit old, and right now doesn't seem as if it could ever be true. But I'm not sure that hearing anyone say 'well, actually, you are right - get over it' would be what you are looking for either! Particularly when it isn't true, and you will find someone....

Just don't let these feelings overwhelm you, is all. Dwelling too much on what you don't have, isn't much use unless it forces you into taking action to get what you want.
 
Have you tried dating websites
says pandas123

- Yep, quite right, there is that.

- Or church and church social groups, if you are that way inclined,

- or telling friends/relatives/ better yet, friends' fiancees that you are looking and for them to 'look out' for nice girls (lots of girls luuurve being matchmakers. Scrub that nearly ALL women love it),

--or a course/club where there are likely to be more girls than men (said this to another poster - you could try yoga which will help you to relax and be more likely to be full of women not men. If your mates laugh, sod 'em - they won't be surrounded by flexible girls in leotards)

--or making friends-that-are-girls and meeting their friends who could be girlfriends

and so on. And give it some time. Don't your dare give up because one assignment hasn't worked out, soldier!

Also, Not saying that this is you, 'cos you haven't specified, but a thing I have noticed in both sexes is a general unwillingness to date (even once!) a person who does not look like the Top Sexiest Person in the world 2013/14/ whatever... Be realistic, and if your friends try to fix you up, and you just won't date the people they come up with, they will stop looking for anyone for you. It's one date, not a lifetime connection with big wedding, 2.5 children and a serious mortgage commitment. Thing is, you won't ever get any of those if you don't try the date first..

If it doesn't work out, keep trying, and if turns out to be the date from hell, at least you have a funny story to tell.
 
Hey Shiloh, welcome to the forum! I gotta say jaguarundi made some really good posts in this thread. :)
 
I have the privliege to be few years older than you and I must say to my great sorrow, that the pain of loneliness and feeling like I am not worthy to be loved by another is all too familiar to me. Hopefully I can give you some encouragement.

The idea that everyone else is in relationship and having constant sex is basicly just a myth. You are not abnormal or unworthy. No matter how hard it is to break this thought pattern, it is vital that you do. You are not a mistake in this world.

It is hard not to think about it when you have never been with anyone, especially when you see happy couples and you see your friends with their significant others, getting all the love and support you yourself grave. And you have the right to feel sad about it, for it only makes you more human. But don't let it define you. Don't let it make you cyncial or bitter about life and love.

Your eyesight is going to limit you and I am not going to lie that it doesn't. But your family having a bloodline of military men means that same strong blood runs in you too. You might not be able to enlist to military, but that means your talents and strengths must be redirected somewhere else. I don't know what kind of person you are, but you seem to be intelligent enough to be able to find out what that exactly is. You are already studying for a degree, so give yourself some credit.

And it is about exactly that, you need to find your own strength, talent and happiness in life, for it doesn't come by itself. Some of us might have to work for it more than others, but when you keep giving to life, it will keep giving back.

I know what stupidly sounding cliché it is, but you need to love yourself before you can love another. I thought that I did love myself when I was a bit younger, but I'm a totally different person right now. I'm finally starting to appriciate who I really am. And I am still learning.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us." My advice to you, is that focus on finding out who you really are the next coming years, for it will serve you for the rest of your life. And don't be afraid of your own light.
 
Thank you everyone for the advice. I'll try to keep my head up and keep plugging on for now.

Frostburn - I realized pretty early on that my vision was always going to be a problem. When I was a little kid I wanted to be a fighter pilot, then a firefighter, then enlist in the army...it just kind of cycled down from there. It's hard to be confident (especially around something like girls) when everything you've tried doing up to this point has been a massive failure.
 
Warning: Nihilistic side ahead.

Why not forget dating altogether? Who needs the pain and the bother and the problems of finding someone, and then meeting his/her family and 10+ of his/her closest friends, exes who may be jealous or aggressive, the problem of financial compatibility, "am i good enough?", insecurity and any number of other things that come with it.

Then of course, if someone (not anyone in particular) happens to have no status with no skills and a poor ability to learn new skills, you might as well be back in kindergarten and the problem of making yourself a more viable product starts to look astronomical.

Dating/relationships are not only one of the least controllable things in the world--how can you control for whether or not someone will accept you, for one thing--but it is also one of the most painful. My impression is that you need to be a 100% fully functioning, well-established human being with full confidence to even have a good reason to date. Be careful what you wish for, folks...
 
Batman55 said:
Warning: Nihilistic side ahead.

Why not forget dating altogether? Who needs the pain and the bother and the problems of finding someone, and then meeting his/her family and 10+ of his/her closest friends, exes who may be jealous or aggressive, the problem of financial compatibility, "am i good enough?", insecurity and any number of other things that come with it.

Then of course, if someone (not anyone in particular) happens to have no status with no skills and a poor ability to learn new skills, you might as well be back in kindergarten and the problem of making yourself a more viable product starts to look astronomical.

Dating/relationships are not only one of the least controllable things in the world--how can you control for whether or not someone will accept you, for one thing--but it is also one of the most painful. My impression is that you need to be a 100% fully functioning, well-established human being with full confidence to even have a good reason to date. Be careful what you wish for, folks...

These are good thoughts to ponder for people over 25 in those circumstances, but the OP might be a bit young to be considering that and he shouldn't give up just yet.
 
Batman55 said:
Warning: Nihilistic side ahead.

Why not forget dating altogether? Who needs the pain and the bother and the problems of finding someone, and then meeting his/her family and 10+ of his/her closest friends, exes who may be jealous or aggressive, the problem of financial compatibility, "am i good enough?", insecurity and any number of other things that come with it.

Then of course, if someone (not anyone in particular) happens to have no status with no skills and a poor ability to learn new skills, you might as well be back in kindergarten and the problem of making yourself a more viable product starts to look astronomical.

Dating/relationships are not only one of the least controllable things in the world--how can you control for whether or not someone will accept you, for one thing--but it is also one of the most painful. My impression is that you need to be a 100% fully functioning, well-established human being with full confidence to even have a good reason to date. Be careful what you wish for, folks...


I won't accept that every man who is in a relationship is so much better than me.
 
Don't give up yet Shiloh. I know what it's like to be in your situation. When I was 20, I'd only ever kissed one girl and I wondered if I would ever have girls in my life.

For guys like us who aren't naturally good at attracting girls, there's really only solution. You have to put yourself out there and talk to a lot of girls. Not only girls, talk to lots of people in general. Approach girls during the daytime and especially when you go out at night. If you're in college you probably see lots of attractive girls everyday..talk to them.

It might seem weird at first, there will probably be some girls who don't like you. But if you stick at it, I can assure you things will improve.

After wallowing in self pity for so many years I finally made the decision to commit to changing this area of my life just a few months ago. Already, I am seeing huge improvements. My confidence has increased to a great extent, I am no longer concerned about the prospect of having a life without intimacy, I have much less fear of rejection and I am finally starting to attract quality girls in my life. And this is after about 2 months.

I have no doubt you would experience the same changes if you could commit to going outside your comfort zone and talking to lots of girls. It might take you longer than me or you might improve even faster than I have. But if you can commit to this, it's really just a matter of time before you start noticing the changes.

Feel free to send me a message if you would like to talk about this stuff :) I can certainly relate to your situation and I may not be an expert on girls but I'm sure I could offer some advice that would help you out.
 

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