I need advice, I can't get over a crush.

Hi there, I've posted about this before, I thought it was over, but it isn't... This is a pretty long read but I'd appreciate it if you read it.

So here we go. About 2,5 years ago I fell in love with a girl. I went on 1 date and after that she kind of rejected me (she was in my high school, by the way). After that I forgot about her for about 4 months, then it all started again because I thought she was actually going to like me. But this all isn't really the problem now.

About 6 months ago I finally thought I was kind of over her. We didn't see eachother very often anymore even though we were good friends. I've only seen her 4 or 5 times in the last 6 months, the first few times were always fine, although I still knew I did have a weakness for her. The last 2 times were last friday and about 20 days ago. It started 20 days ago, she celebrated her birthday so I thought it would be nice to come over. The moment I walked in I knew I still loved her. I realized that I compare every other girl with her, and I've been feeling sad ever since, but I thought it would fade away, until I saw her last friday. We had dinner together, and now I've hit rock bottom. I felt so good being around her (as always), I honestly think it isn't possible to love a person more than this, but I don't think it's mutual... The past few nights I've been having these aweful dreams about her, they keep me in this weird, restless state every day. I'm thinking about her all the time. I hate it, and it has never been this bad before. I've experienced a lot of things someone of my age shouldn't experience (a suicidal dad, drug problems, I never tell anyone about this by the way), but this is pretty much the worst thing ever.

The worst thing is feelings of regret. Now I look back on everything, I think I actually had a chance with her about a year ago, but ever since she rejected me, I've been scared of taking risks like that. My self-confidence in this case is just completely obliterated. I never do anything to put my feelings at risk anymore. I used to be a confident guy, and I still am, but not when it comes to hurting my emotions. I just can't do it anymore. When I have no feelings for a girl I don't really have a hard time trying to seduce her (this doesn't give me any pleasure though, so this doesn't happen anymore either), but with her... I just can't show this to her.

The bottom line is, I just want this to be over. I want to believe in love again. I want to be able to show my emotions again. I ******* hate this. None of my friends know how I feel and I don't want them to know to be honest, I never really talk about these kinds of things with friends. That's what brings me to this forum I guess... This whole thing has been controlling my life for the past 2,5 years, and I just don't know how to solve this problem...

Does anyone have any advice, tips, experiences to share? What is the best thing to do here? Just tell her and get rid of all the hope I have? Never speak to her again? I've tried both before by the way... I ended up not telling her anything and contacting her again anyway (or respond to her if she contacted me)... I'm just curious if anyone knows a way out of this kind of thing, and it feels very good to write this down, it takes a heavy load of my shoulders.

Thanks.

Hi there, thanks for sharing your story. I'll try to be as helpful as possible, and might end up telling you stuff you already know. Sorry in advance if that happens.

I think you've put her on a pedestal and convinced yourself that your happiness is dependent on her. If you can tell yourself that she's just a girl and nothing more, it could go a long way in getting yourself out of this situation you're in.
Also, try to find someone in your life that you can talk about these kind of things to, it could really help. I understand the feeling that your friends might not care or will just dismiss what you have to say, but I'm sure there are some that will truly want to help you.
Finally, if you want to fire a PM my way to talk about it, feel free.

First off, the best thing to do is NOT what you have been doing. After 2.5 years you know it does not work. Pretending everything is fine and that you can just be friends without you saying anything and sitting around hoping one day she'll magically be into you. Not going to happen.

You need to talk about it. On this forum might help. Breaking it down to a real life friend would be even better. Talking about feelings with friends you don't normally do that with is hard. My friendships are just like yours. We bond over things, but never get really personal. In my moment of need I went to them. It was weird. But they understood and were there, and it helped a lot.

Have you tried giving another girl a chance? If you have and this got in the way then you know it is stopping you from really living. You need to either tell her how you feel right now. Or just end the friendship. Cut off all contact. Impossible unrequited love situations happen all the time. If you let them, they will slowly destroy you. You've waited 2.5 years. You could easily wait another 2.5 years and be in the exact same spot. In the end as much as it hurts you cannot waste your life with someone constantly on your mind when you aren't on theres.

Thanks for the replies. I know I should find someone to talk about this stuff... I think I know a girl that could help me out. I've been there for her with similair problems, so it wouldn't be weird to talk about this with her. My male friends are less suited for this I guess, it's not that they wouldn't be understanding, but I have 2 very good male friends that can't really relate to this I think. They both say they've never actually been in love (they've just liked girls and stuff, and always ended up screwing up relationships without caring that much).

I know she isn't that big of a factor to make me happy. There are more things in my life that make me happy, I'm pretty rational about this, but I can't ignore my emotions. I know she isn't perfect, and I'm pretty sure a relationship wouldn't even work out, although this is very paradoxal to me. I feel so comfortable around her, but yet, when I try to think about things objectively, I think it wouldn't work out. It's not that I'm waiting for us to get together, I'm waiting to forget her.

@lostatsea, I have tried to be with another girl, but it just didn't feel right. I don't care that much for superficial stuff, especially now. And I know I'll have to make a choice. I know it's been too long. I for the past 6 months I thought I was heading in the right direction, but I was wrong. I think the best thing to do is just tell her. I can't get away from this, we study in the same city, have mutual friends... I can't run away from this. So... How do I do this? What is the best way to tell this? I don't want to creep her out or something, and I want to be in charge of the situation.

Getting over a crush can be difficult, especially if you get dropped on their terms.

I've found you have to invert your behaviour. Focus on what wouldn't have worked if it occurred. For example, maybe they have different tastes (maybe they hate Star Trek and you don't?), a non-gamer when you're a gamer, or vice-versa. Maybe they had that irritating trait of blaming you for something.

You have to replace your rose-tinted glasses with yellow-tinted ones and see them for their negative traits. Maybe she snubbed you that one time you were waiting, or made you feel like an idiot.

Eventually you keep chipping away you will actually feel a sort of relief, like 'hey, I dodged a bullet there, she was totally unreliable!' or 'hey, you know what, she would have hated this new hobby I've taken up'.

Eventually, drop the matter altogether (you have to mentally reinforce new patterns as the behaviour may be ingrained in your brain and needs to be rewired out, so it will take repetition and reinforcement to counteract) and tell yourself or your brain or whatever 'I don't have time for that' every time it tries to bring her back up.

So either spot a negative trait, or say you don't have time to waste on it every time she comes up in your mind (doesn't matter if you're sitting idle on a bed with a 4 week break, that thought could be blocking the arrival of a brilliant idea and why should a girl who obviously doesn't give you the time of day be occupying your mental thoughts?).


It's a bit difficult, you might find your own variation of it but do what works.

I am pretty sure someone above has told you this but stop living the fantasy. If stuff was going to happen it would have 2 years ago so just forget about the fantasy you thought up of you and this girl having a passionate and fulfilling relationship. This is risky but you might need to get rejected again and just tell the girl how you really feel so you can get some closure. If the girl is a respectable woman she won't lead you on and you can get on with your life. Though you should remember not to fall in love with someone you haven't even been with beyond a friendship level.

Groucho's advice was good too I call it sour grapeing a girl. if you are unfamiliar with the story i gave a 1 minute long youtube video of it.

Aesop's Fable 'Sour Grapes'

I've been cut off by crushes before. TIME is really the only thing that ever worked for me. I hope things get better for you.

The way you phrased some makes it sound like you're idealizing her, which seems quite common for guys your age. In particular the part comparing other girls to her – pure fantasy ideal.

Idealising puts the person high up on a pedestal where you can’t relate to them, which is probably why you stuffed your “chance” with her, acting in an eager-to-please to please manner that would have been off-putting. She’s a weak human being like you, realizing that can help you get over this.

Thanks for the advice. I guess I should just tell her. I'm already beyond the point that I think something could happen, I just want to get on with my life. It's so weird because I did have "feelings" for some girls over the past few years but I don't really know if they were real. I've dated 2 girls for a short while, but every time, before we got really serious, there was this point where I thought "what the fresia am I doing?", and I just totally lost interest.

Anyway, it isn't all bad. This experience has taught me some valuable lessons, but it's just enough already. Next academic year I want to be done with this. I'm going to another university in another city, so this will be like a new start, and I want to be able to leave this behind. I'm going to give it some thought and I guess I will just tell her. I'm sure she will understand. I think this will be the only solution, otherwise I'll always be thinking "what if I would have done this/that?".