Why are people afraid of getting hurt?

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Alonewith2cats

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I thought this might be an interesting topic to explore because I have heard people talk about being afraid of getting hurt and being afraid to hurt someone else so they shy away from intimacy in relationships. I'm not saying you shouldn't be kind or smart about things if you see red flags but I think this fear causes hurt by itself. Here is my take on it.

I am not afraid of getting emotionally hurt. If I get hurt I'll recover and try again. The worse thing that will happen is I'll cry for a while. That's it. I'm not going to kill myself over it. I have 2 reasons for not being afraid. The first reason is that there is no such thing as safe love. You can only have safe sex. The second reason is what is the point of living if you can't feel alive (I'm aware that this is a quote from a James Bond movie)? So if there is no such thing as safe love and there is no point of living if you can't feel alive then it must be better to live somewhat dangerously. It has to be more painful to build a wall around you and not let anyone in because that is like prison. I find loneliness to be a type of prison. You're free to go anywhere and do what you want but you still feel sad and somehow trapped by the pain of it. That is much worse.
 
Well said. I am not afraid of getting hurt. I was flat out dumped a month ago, and for a day I ate a bunch of chocolate, cried, and watched Netflix in bed for hours. Then the next day, I just started going on with my life. It still hurt, and sometimes I think about it, and my feelings are hurt, but I am over it. I only seeing the guy for a few months, so it wasn't all that bad.

I am afraid of hurting others. That's why I tend to stay away from relationships. My last lengthy relationship, I broke it off with him. I had no more interest in him, and didn't even like him anymore. And he went crazy. Long story, short, I had to get a protective order against him. So I am afraid of that again.
 
It's less about hurt than giving some of myself up to someone....it's hard to put so much of yourself into something and then have it taken away/disappear on you.
 
sometimes you have had so much hurt that you can't take any more of it, not even an inch
 
Because it hurts? lol
But seriously....it hurts emotionally and mentally, as well as causes anxiety and so forth that can cause actual physical pain.
Also, as WWC mentions, it sucks to allow a person a piece of you, or a glimpse of the real you and them have them disappear on you.
It's a pain like no other in my opinion.
 
Alonewith2cats said:
If I get hurt I'll recover and try again. The worse thing that will happen is I'll cry for a while. That's it.

Glad you feel that way but that doesn't speak for everyone.

I spent two and a half years with someone I viewed as perfect and we spent nearly every minute of everyday together, constantly showing one another affection. And when the time I came I asked her to be my wife and she accepted. Then suddenly I am not worth it anymore. It takes more than a couple tears to get over that. We had been planning are lives together, we found a place we were going to move to, I moved when she moved to be close to her and one day I am suddenly nothing. Do you know what that does to someone psychologically? Knowing now that someone who let me know every aspect of her life, who never would leave without telling me how much she loved, and to know a person can suddenly just change like that. How am I supposed to trust anyone?

I am seriously what's the point of anything now? I can have all the material items I want, I could win the lottery but it isn't going to bring me true happiness.
 
EveWasFramed said:
Because it hurts? lol
But seriously....it hurts emotionally and mentally, as well as causes anxiety and so forth that can cause actual physical pain.
Also, as WWC mentions, it sucks to allow a person a piece of you, or a glimpse of the real you and them have them disappear on you.
It's a pain like no other in my opinion.

I read somewhere that when rejected, your brain sends the same pain receptors as getting punched in the stomach. It's truly real pain.

Mike510 said:
I spent two and a half years with someone I viewed as perfect and we spent nearly every minute of everyday together, constantly showing one another affection. And when the time I came I asked her to be my wife and she accepted. Then suddenly I am not worth it anymore. It takes more than a couple tears to get over that. We had been planning are lives together, we found a place we were going to move to, I moved when she moved to be close to her and one day I am suddenly nothing. Do you know what that does to someone psychologically? Knowing now that someone who let me know every aspect of her life, who never would leave without telling me how much she loved, and to know a person can suddenly just change like that. How am I supposed to trust anyone?

I'm sorry. :(

I think it's the degree of rejection. Like with me, I was just seeing a guy for a couple months, didn't have a chance to open up or get to know his whole life. So then it wasn't as bad when it came to "getting over it"
 
Nicolelt said:
EveWasFramed said:
Because it hurts? lol
But seriously....it hurts emotionally and mentally, as well as causes anxiety and so forth that can cause actual physical pain.
Also, as WWC mentions, it sucks to allow a person a piece of you, or a glimpse of the real you and them have them disappear on you.
It's a pain like no other in my opinion.

I read somewhere that when rejected, your brain sends the same pain receptors as getting punched in the stomach. It's truly real pain.

Makes sense...the anxiety I feel sorta makes me sick to my stomach. I guess a punch in the stomach would likely feel similar. That's pretty interesting actually.
 
Nicolelt said:
I'm sorry. :(

I think it's the degree of rejection. Like with me, I was just seeing a guy for a couple months, didn't have a chance to open up or get to know his whole life. So then it wasn't as bad when it came to "getting over it"

Yeah. I tried dating someone for a few months but they treated me like crap, I just stuck with her because I wanted to feel like someone cared about me, but it became obvious she didn't.

I don't see the point in life anymore if you have everything but you can't spend your life with the person you love.
 
Like Eve said, because it hurts. Fear of being hurt or negative repercussions in general controls most peoples decisions.
 
Its painful...both mentally and physically....I always said I would of rather of loved and lost, than not to have loved at all...
But when you are in the position of lost, there is no greater pain :(
 
Like everybody else already said... because it hurts.

At this point in life I'm afraid that potential relationships will actually start off well. If you start a relationship and a month or two down the line it falters it's not that dramatic. However, have a relationship that's great for 6 months or longer and then it's starts to falter it is the worst feeling in the world. It drains you and shakes your foundation.
 
For me it is two particular times, two people, that really stirred anxiety/fear/stress of relationships for me.

My childhood/teen crush was someone I absolutely adored. His favorite songs for us were Unchained Melody and Kokamo lol... But he changed so drastically, and began to become paranoid and despised women... I had to shut him out completely (harder than you think when you have known someone for over 5 years...)

I struggle to say "I love you" even though I want to... Because the last time I said it to someone (before my spouse), it was too late and I was left literally stranded by myself and no one to blame BUT myself. I hurt others. Not intentionally. And that time... Waking up the next morning thinking that the day/night before was a horrible dream telling me to "smarten the hell up", turning over in bed to tell him I loved him and that I would change for the better... Just to meet reality as a cold damp basement wall in an unfamiliar room? The pure cold feeling of emptiness - of being truly alone - was enough to permanently alter how I saw relationships.

So I guess for me it is the fear of change; and the fear of abandonment.
 
Nicolelt said:
EveWasFramed said:
Because it hurts? lol
But seriously....it hurts emotionally and mentally, as well as causes anxiety and so forth that can cause actual physical pain.
Also, as WWC mentions, it sucks to allow a person a piece of you, or a glimpse of the real you and them have them disappear on you.
It's a pain like no other in my opinion.

I read somewhere that when rejected, your brain sends the same pain receptors as getting punched in the stomach. It's truly real pain.

^ That.
 
Dr. Strangelove said:
Like everybody else already said... because it hurts.

At this point in life I'm afraid that potential relationships will actually start off well. If you start a relationship and a month or two down the line it falters it's not that dramatic. However, have a relationship that's great for 6 months or longer and then it's starts to falter it is the worst feeling in the world. It drains you and shakes your foundation.

Yeah someone knows you reasonably well after that amount of time, so the rejection means something. But I kind of agree of Alonewith2cats inasmuch as the pain and frustration from not risking anything and remaining alone might outweigh even this.
 
Alonewith2cats said:
I thought this might be an interesting topic to explore because I have heard people talk about being afraid of getting hurt and being afraid to hurt someone else so they shy away from intimacy in relationships. I'm not saying you shouldn't be kind or smart about things if you see red flags but I think this fear causes hurt by itself. Here is my take on it.

I am not afraid of getting emotionally hurt. If I get hurt I'll recover and try again. The worse thing that will happen is I'll cry for a while. That's it. I'm not going to kill myself over it. I have 2 reasons for not being afraid. The first reason is that there is no such thing as safe love. You can only have safe sex. The second reason is what is the point of living if you can't feel alive (I'm aware that this is a quote from a James Bond movie)? So if there is no such thing as safe love and there is no point of living if you can't feel alive then it must be better to live somewhat dangerously. It has to be more painful to build a wall around you and not let anyone in because that is like prison. I find loneliness to be a type of prison. You're free to go anywhere and do what you want but you still feel sad and somehow trapped by the pain of it. That is much worse.

it is the ego that gets hurt and we identify with it.
 
Your fears are built based on all the bad moments you had on your life. Yeah, everyone get hurt. Yeah, some are naturally more hard to hurt than others. But it depends on the experiences that all of us have been through. Me personally, just the idea of approaching girls in a romantic freaks the hell outta me. It probably happens because of all the times I was told that I was ugly, "ogre" and nerdy when I was young. It reflects on your adulthood.

I'm not saying that we should give up getting over it, and I do agreed it's in our hands. But it's not as simply as you're telling us it is though.

I'm in a phase where I'm trying to take "risks" more often. Some friends of mine are helping me with that.

As some users said, what you said is gold but it doesn't apply to everyone.
 
In my particular case, its not about me being hurt, but rather about hurting the potentional partner. That is is far far worse for me. That would be unbearable.
 
Being rejected can reinforce all of those self doubts that you have.

It's also dreadful for self confidence.


Peaches said:
sometimes you have had so much hurt that you can't take any more of it, not even an inch

Exactly.
 

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