Why can't I be a good friend?

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theshycynic

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Eventually I just stop putting in the necessary amount of effort to keep the people that I value in my life. I have a huge issue with guardedness, as i can't let people in to see me for who i truly am. Sometimes i'm scared to hang out with my friends because i feel they'll see me just as i see myself. And that's the last thing that i want to happen. So i'll start responding slower to texts, not answering calls, breaking plans all the time, until they stop trying too. And then i wonder why everything fell a part. I'm all messed up, honestly. For the most part, i'm pretty sure it all stems from me being so guarded, but then i think that it's something else. I'm just not sure of what that something else it. I'm not sure of a lot of things anymore. It's exhausting. I'm 21 and hardly living - i'm just existing and i'm tired. I'm tired of being unhappy, and being the reason for my unhappiness. It's a twisted cycle; neverending. I hope I have a moment of clarity, or a glimpse of peace to give me motivation to change my circumstance, or the courage to be happy and let go of my pain. I don't really see that happening any time soon though, and that's probably why it won't.
 
Whoa. Story of my life. The cycle for me :

somewhat hypersensitive to criticism>guarded>form loose bonds with people>fall to the outside of friendship groups>receive criticism and distrust>exit friendships>back to step 1.

Let me know if you figure it out...
 
I've given myself to so many. I know i am a great friend. I always put myself out for folk. Never ever in my life do people give back. I am finding it harder and harder to give. At my age (47) i am never going to make friends or trust.
 
What if this new person ( whether co worker or potential friend) finds out how truly boring I am? That would be embarrassing !
What if they find out who and what I am, all the things I'm not (that I wish I was) and all the things I am (that I wish I wasn't).
One way to prevent being humiliated is to not let people get that close.
 
Veragrace said:
I've given myself to so many. I know i am a great friend. I always put myself out for folk. Never ever in my life do people give back. I am finding it harder and harder to give. At my age (47) i am never going to make friends or trust.
Click to expand...
This sounds very accurate to me. I feel that my level of commitment and sacrifice to other people (be it friends or girlfriends) is never appreciated or reciprocated to the level that I would reasonably expect. Of course, I had the notion that perhaps my expectations were set too high but after reevaluating those I came to the conclusion that they're not. I also figured that perhaps it was just my younger age that I, or everybody else, was too immature/mature to have accurate expectations but when I see that you are 47 I begin to worry.
 
Sounds like you just don't want them to get close enough to hurt you if they reject you.
 
Grackle said:
I would be perfectly happy not having any friends if it wasn't so lonely.
Click to expand...

Me too. I have plenty of hobbies and goals and things I could do that could keep my busy forever. Only problem is, I feel like if no one even knows I exist, my whole life and everything I do is meaningless.
 
theshycynic said:
Eventually I just stop putting in the necessary amount of effort to keep the people that I value in my life. I have a huge issue with guardedness, as i can't let people in to see me for who i truly am. Sometimes i'm scared to hang out with my friends because i feel they'll see me just as i see myself. And that's the last thing that i want to happen. So i'll start responding slower to texts, not answering calls, breaking plans all the time, until they stop trying too. And then i wonder why everything fell a part. I'm all messed up, honestly. For the most part, i'm pretty sure it all stems from me being so guarded, but then i think that it's something else. I'm just not sure of what that something else it. I'm not sure of a lot of things anymore. It's exhausting. I'm 21 and hardly living - i'm just existing and i'm tired. I'm tired of being unhappy, and being the reason for my unhappiness. It's a twisted cycle; neverending. I hope I have a moment of clarity, or a glimpse of peace to give me motivation to change my circumstance, or the courage to be happy and let go of my pain. I don't really see that happening any time soon though, and that's probably why it won't.
Click to expand...

Hey dude you need to change if you do you will have friends dude I have no friends I study play golf workout stay in the house look foward to winter cause I know I'm gonna have to stay in I havnt hung or talk to any of my friend in weeks man let me give you an inside I'm 18 I study for my GED that's it my life sucks but I'm am making an effort to Change you should to

Sorry guys I didn't post that but I am 18 and studying for my GED and do play golf

FreedomFromLiberty said:
Grackle said:
I would be perfectly happy not having any friends if it wasn't so lonely.
Click to expand...

Me too. I have plenty of hobbies and goals and things I could do that could keep my busy forever. Only problem is, I feel like if no one even knows I exist, my whole life and everything I do is meaningless.
Click to expand...

I have all of things you do and I feel the same way only hobbies and goals we need to chat more i think our situation is the same except I have lonely cuz to that I'm with right now he lives in rainy Seattle
 
Lately, I've been spending more time with classmates just to ease the boredom and look better to my instructors through helping them work. I've rejected all advances to get to know me on a more personal level.

I don't see any negatives to this at all. I benefit socially, intellectually, and entertainment-wise without putting myself at risk. This became easier when I focused inward and started building myself up with activities, goals, and pastimes that were good for me. I focused on nurturing myself, not nurturing my relationships with others. It doesn't count if you play video games all day while accepting the idea that you're a loser for what you do. Even the ones who said they cared about me treated me selfishly, so I can't expect anyone but me to care for me properly. Neither can you or anyone else.

Nobody sees what you don't know, and they tend to fill in the blanks according to nothing but stereotypes and intuition.
 

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