Romance? I am absolutely alone.

Man, I really did hope I wouldn't be posting here again for a while. But I just feel completely like crap at the moment, frankly, and I need to share all the bottled up melancholy!

I'm in my last year of college. In a few months I'll be 23...and yet I still haven't had any kind of non-platonic relationship with a girl. I still haven't had a real romantic kiss and it just feels absolutely, crushingly pathetic. I actually feel like I'm just fundamentally different in some awful way to other human beings, like some sort of machine or outcast of some sort.

The irony is that I seem to have lots of friends. My guy friends frequently turn to me for advice regarding girls (lol) and seem to think I'm popular with them! In fact, my advice usually seems to work too, which is completely ironic.

My non-single female friends sometimes tell me when I bring up relationships that I'd make a really awesome boyfriend, or even that I should definitely ask crushes of mine out more, because they'd be really likely to say yes. Yet despite all this encouragement and seemingly good stuff, I get let down by girls over and over again.

Girls who are attracted to me just seem to want instant sexual gratification, and spend a few weeks really being all over me before just suddenly losing interest.

I'm not at all comfortable with one night stands, at the very least not for my first sexual experience, I want someone who actually cares about me more than that. So the end result is I just have a nice pile of sexual frustration, because one-night-deals are all people seem to want from me. I've had other girls just blatantly try to manipulate me. They flirt with me like crazy when they need something, then ignore me completely.

I can't seem to find anyone "normal" who just wants to have some food with me, go watch a movie, or actually kiss me before wanting to tear my clothes off and bounce around on my netherregions like some kind of predatory animal.

Anyway, I sent my first ever Valentine's Card this year. It was to someone who seemed really special, and both her friends and mine were encouraging me to ask her out because she seemed really into me.

She said thanks for the gesture, then just rejected me on the grounds that she doesn't like "dating".

I have no idea what that means. I guess it means she just doesn't like me. She left other bits of her message really ambiguous, and it just makes me feel honeysuckle. It feels almost like she's said: "I prefer just sleeping randomly with other guys, but merely going to have food with you is an insane proposition."

When did attraction just become about f***ing people before you go on a date or even kiss them? Everyone around me seems to do this other than me, and it really makes me feel utterly alone in every sense of the word.

I just want to hold someone in my arms, kiss someone, talk to someone...have a girlfriend, not a "f***buddy", and absolutely no one my age seems to want that too.

Sorry for being so down guys. Feel free to tear into me if you wish

TheSolitaryMan said:

Sorry for being so down guys. Feel free to tear into me if you wish

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Nerk. Tear into you? No. Don't let it get to you, sounds like low self-esteem there.

TheSolitaryMan said:

I can't seem to find anyone "normal" who just wants to have some food with me, go watch a movie, or actually kiss me before wanting to tear my clothes off and bounce around on my netherregions like some kind of predatory animal.

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Hear hear! Although minus the excessive offers from girls.

That's a really depressing picture of your age group.

At least you're considered attractive on that level, that's more than a lot of us can say, although I guess that's cold-comfort since it isn't what you want (or what any vaguely moral person would want) Sex without attachments seems to be the norm for a lot of young people now. Play the field when they're young then get serious with someone once they hit their late 20's - after all the psychological damage/baggage, STD's and whatnot.

Ever considered joining a church or religious group on campus to meet women? Seriously, I can't think of many other options

ardour said:

That's a really depressing picture of your age group.

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I know, right?

Fun Story 1: I went drinking with some friends recently. A mate of mine, by all accounts a decent fellow, was describing his new iPhone app. Apparently it sends you a picture of someone within a 20 mile radius. If you "like" it and they "like" yours, it hooks you up with each other.

Some girl going past on a train "liked" his photo, he "liked" hers. She got off the train, had sex with him, got back on the train immediately afterwards and left.

Everyone thought this was an amusing tale of "a good night", I just found it absolutely depressing. Like every messed up thing about superficial relationships summarised in one five minute anecdote.

Fun Story 2: I went to a party with some friends. They started playing this drinking game where you essentially confess lewd things you've done. I spent about an hour just listening to girls who seemed rather sweet and innocent actually describing in detail some really sordid stuff. Of course I had nothing to chime in with (something I'm pretty happy about, actually.)

All sorts came up. Things like: "I've been with three guys in one evening!" or "I need to stop doing hook-ups every Friday". Again, this is apparently hilarious. I just sat there thinking "Christ, I thought I knew these people?"

At least you're considered attractive on that level

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Debatable. I'm attractive enough apparently that people want to use me as a disposable sex object, but not hot enough that someone wants to actually just give me a passionate kiss or watch a film with me.

Getting that feeling of apparently being regarded by girls as some kind of soulless breathing vibrator is not really a quality I'm enjoying

Ever considered joining a church or religious group on campus to meet women? Seriously, I can't think of many other options

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I have thought about it. I'm just not particularly religious, I guess I'm just more of a moralist. So I might feel uncomfortable in a highly religious environment.

Perhaps I'm just too conservative, but frankly a lot of behaviour I see and hear about borders on just being self-absorbed degrading nastiness, even I you're a sexually liberal person.

TheSolitaryMan said:

Fun Story 1: I went drinking with some friends recently. A mate of mine, by all accounts a decent fellow, was describing his new iPhone app. Apparently it sends you a picture of someone within a 20 mile radius. If you "like" it and they "like" yours, it hooks you up with each other.

Some girl going past on a train "liked" his photo, he "liked" hers. She got off the train, had sex with him, got back on the train immediately afterwards and left.

Fun Story 2: I went to a party with some friends. They started playing this drinking game where you essentially confess lewd things you've done. I spent about an hour just listening to girls who seemed rather sweet and innocent actually describing in detail some really sordid stuff. Of course I had nothing to chime in with (something I'm pretty happy about, actually.)

All sorts came up. Things like: "I've been with three guys in one evening!" or "I need to stop doing hook-ups every Friday". Again, this is apparently hilarious. I just sat there thinking "Christ, I thought I knew these people?"

...

Getting that feeling of apparently being regarded by girls as some kind of soulless breathing vibrator is not really a quality I'm enjoying

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'Porn culture'; the effect this has on men's - and yes, women's - mentality.

TheSolitaryMan said:

I have thought about it. I'm just not particularly religious, I guess I'm just more of a moralist. So I might feel uncomfortable in a highly religious environment.

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Outside of the zealous evangelical denominations there are plenty of people involved in church groups that, it turns out, are only nominally religious or hold a very general belief in God. But they are of course more likely to share your values.

That seems to be a troubling theme with young people your age anymore.

I'm in the same boat dood. It's been years since I had what I would call a romantic relationship. Lots of attempts and lots of rejection. I have a few good friends and they are all good people so I know that I'm at least like-able. Friends that are supportive people and push me to go out there and grow.

I'm starting to think I'm just not physically attractive to others. Get a lot of the same "not interested in dating" or "don't want things to go that way" which is fine, I can take rejection. I've had lots of practice dealing with it so it doesn't really bother me. It would be nice to have someone interested for once though.

At least you got the one night stand option! Even though you aren't into that. Romance is what we're truly after :/

Your story relate to mine in so many ways that I could Ctrl+c your post and call it "My life".

First of all, I'm 23 and I've graduated at college recently. I've never been in a relationship before and the most close I got to it was a date when after kissing the girl, she suddenly became uninterested in me on the very next day (friends of her told me that she found me "too slow"). I have lots of friends and they usually ask to hang out with me, the problem is that around 85% of them are male. I tried go out to parties, concerts but I just don't belong to places overcrowded like that. All the girls I know (mostly the ones who are already taken) say "your girlfriend will be a lucky girl", but it never seem to happen.

I just can't figure out what my problem is. I'm not ugly, I'm tall, I have a good work, but still I'm a complete failure on this "relationship" thing!

Not going to explain every detail of my life here because of lazyness (I'm working right now!), but it's good to know that it's not as odd as I thought it was.

TheSolitaryMan said:

Perhaps I'm just too conservative, but frankly a lot of behaviour I see and hear about borders on just being self-absorbed degrading nastiness, even I you're a sexually liberal person.

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Sci-Fi said:

That seems to be a troubling theme with young people your age anymore.

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I'm staring to think my generation is messed. As a 27 year old, I consider myself a social liberal. I think people should be able to do pretty much whatever they want as long as they aren't hurting others.

That being said, the willingness some people have towards seeing themselves and others as mere sex objects is unsettling. And I don't think that this is something that you can blame on a decreasing amount of religiosity either, because as an atheist, I am about as far removed from any religion as you can get.

I just think of sex and sexuality as something that is very private and very personal. It's not something that should be thrown around in public discussions all the time and with casual acquaintances. I don't think that makes me a complete prude, but in comparison to what SOME people are willing to do... who can really tell anymore?

I believe that, more than anything, we are emotional creatures who long for love and connection, and that this trumps sexuality. I mean, we were all at one point per-pubescent children who had little or no sexual desire, but even then we still had emotional needs, right? I'm not sure why, but now people seem to only see things through their goggles of materialism, and right along with it, seeing everyone else as primarily a sexual person who performs a sexual function.

I understand the pain of not being wanted for being a person. I was ignored when I was younger, lonelier, plainer, and more awkward, but like magic as soon as I grew up, went to college, became one of two women in the class, and learned to dress better there were one or two men interested a semester. Under other circumstances that could be great, but...

None of my male classmates had the time of day for me even as a friend when I was younger and in much greater need of having someone reach out to me, and not one of them these days knew anything about me prior to making a move. None of them were into me the person: the beliefs, the history, the quirks, the attitude, the struggles, the victories, or the passions.

Just the female. One of two. In their class. Who looked acceptable and didn't spurn them when they started talking.

I've never been approached for friendship in class or at a job, or at least it was never made as clear as interest and I failed to accept it.

I don't think the "no romance" syndrome held by most younger people solely applies to that age group.
I'm fifty; I've met single women in their mid 30s to late 40s who just want friends with benefits (unfortunately, not with me), or a guy to hook up with when they want the hookup. They are tired of failed romances, putting in effort and getting little to none in the emotional support and affection department from their male partners (not understanding that they themselves were part of the reason their romances failed). Or, they were married, but now divorced / separated, etc. and no longer want a man in their life 24/7. The overwhelming reason I was told - inability to trust. Thus, sex without pretense of feeling is fine for them.

It seems most people only want someone at their beck and call. At least that's how it has been for me with the ladies. Personally speaking, I feel like Charlie Brown, trying to fly a kite. I've been seeking someone to share closeness, romantic feelings and a life together for decades. The time has come for me to just quit on everything.

ABrokenMan said:

The time has come for me to just quit on everything.

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Never give up!

I want to too, sometimes. Even right now, actually. But to give up is to just accept without resistance that this is how the world is now, and that's a great tragedy.

Latest photos of my prospective girl have just appeared all over my social media feed. She's laughing and having a great time at some party, so I guess feeling utterly honeysuckle about all this isn't mutual.

Someone can spend 3 months winking at me, cuddling up to me, inviting me places, introducing me to all their friends and then those same friends tell me to ask her out. And yet the answer is still "no". I just don't understand girls at all I guess.

I've never been approached for friendship in class or at a job, or at least it was never made as clear as interest and I failed to accept it.

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I'm sorry to hear that. Unfortunately I can't really give you any insight into why guys treated you like that. I'm kind of the opposite: the eternal friend that doesn't make moves

Sounds like people just seem to find humans that are the opposite to what they want, or something

I'm staring to think my generation is messed. As a 27 year old, I consider myself a social liberal. I think people should be able to do pretty much whatever they want as long as they aren't hurting others.

That being said, the willingness some people have towards seeing themselves and others as mere sex objects is unsettling. And I don't think that this is something that you can blame on a decreasing amount of religiosity either, because as an atheist, I am about as far removed from any religion as you can get.

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IMO, the issue is the way society has progressed in recent years. Everyone points to the great "sexual liberation" as something amazing, but I personally think it's taken us further from gender equality than ever before.

Decades ago women were subject to appalling sexism from men. Women were frequently treated as sex objects, which was highly unpleasant.

Instead of feminism and progress elevating women to true equality with men, it feels to me (at least from what I witness and hear about all the time) that now basically the only difference is that men are being lowered to being sex objects too.

Some guys are still really degrading about women. Now some women are really degrading about men, too. So now we have clubs every Friday where the girls wear tiny non-existent skirts and the guys basically go in skin-tight jeans and shirts, people f*** each other as a "one-off" every week with zero emotional attachment, and this now passes for "liberated", "enlightened" gender equality where we're all treating each other as human beings with feelings.

I'm sorry if I sound really cynical or dark here. I'm just kind of sick of the whole way people (at least in my social circles) seem to act.

TheSolitaryMan said:

ABrokenMan said:

The time has come for me to just quit on everything.

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Never give up!

I want to too, sometimes. Even right now, actually. But to give up is to just accept without resistance that this is how the world is now, and that's a great tragedy.

Latest photos of my prospective girl have just appeared all over my social media feed. She's laughing and having a great time at some party, so I guess feeling utterly honeysuckle about all this isn't mutual.

Someone can spend 3 months winking at me, cuddling up to me, inviting me places, introducing me to all their friends and then those same friends tell me to ask her out. And yet the answer is still "no". I just don't understand girls at all I guess.

I've never been approached for friendship in class or at a job, or at least it was never made as clear as interest and I failed to accept it.

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I'm sorry to hear that. Unfortunately I can't really give you any insight into why guys treated you like that. I'm kind of the opposite: the eternal friend that doesn't make moves

Sounds like people just seem to find humans that are the opposite to what they want, or something

I'm staring to think my generation is messed. As a 27 year old, I consider myself a social liberal. I think people should be able to do pretty much whatever they want as long as they aren't hurting others.

That being said, the willingness some people have towards seeing themselves and others as mere sex objects is unsettling. And I don't think that this is something that you can blame on a decreasing amount of religiosity either, because as an atheist, I am about as far removed from any religion as you can get.

Click to expand...

IMO, the issue is the way society has progressed in recent years. Everyone points to the great "sexual liberation" as something amazing, but I personally think it's taken us further from gender equality than ever before.

Decades ago women were subject to appalling sexism from men. Women were frequently treated as sex objects, which was highly unpleasant.

Instead of feminism and progress elevating women to true equality with men, it feels to me (at least from what I witness and hear about all the time) that now basically the only difference is that men are being lowered to being sex objects too.

Some guys are still really degrading about women. Now some women are really degrading about men, too. So now we have clubs every Friday where the girls wear tiny non-existent skirts and the guys basically go in skin-tight jeans and shirts, people f*** each other as a "one-off" every week with zero emotional attachment, and this now passes for "liberated", "enlightened" gender equality where we're all treating each other as human beings with feelings.

I'm sorry if I sound really cynical or dark here. I'm just kind of sick of the whole way people (at least in my social circles) seem to act.

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'Someone can spend 3 months winking at me, cuddling up to me, inviting me places, introducing me to all their friends and then those same friends tell me to ask her out. And yet the answer is still "no". I just don't understand girls at all I guess.'

You win some, you lose some. She was probably a tease. Move on to somebody else !

To speak to her "I don't like dating comment," well, I have said that same thing to turn down a date.
Never realized how strange it probably sounds, so that's a heads up for me. Thank you for that.
I said it because I actually don't like dating/hanging out with people period. It was a more relaxed way of saying "I want to be alone."
No idea how she meant it, but it may not necessarily mean that she doesn't like you. I don't know her social situation though.

TheSolitaryMan said:

Some guys are still really degrading about women. Now some women are really degrading about men, too. So now we have clubs every Friday where the girls wear tiny non-existent skirts and the guys basically go in skin-tight jeans and shirts, people f*** each other as a "one-off" every week with zero emotional attachment, and this now passes for "liberated", "enlightened" gender equality where we're all treating each other as human beings with feelings.

I'm sorry if I sound really cynical or dark here. I'm just kind of sick of the whole way people (at least in my social circles) seem to act.

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The other side of the coin is a growing minority of presumably straight women who seem to have sworn off heterosexual relationships altogether, choosing to focus of personal growth and (female) friendships instead. You'd be surprised be the number of women making that choice... two ends of the extremes.

TheSolitaryMan,

You mentioned that you didn't like it when girls acted really flirtatious and seemed to just get one thing from you. I understand you. However - is it possible you could sometimes be making the wrong assumption? Perhaps they really did like you but came on too strongly and became upset or offended at being "rejected". I am not entirely sure of the dynamics of the situations you described, but a girl being all over you could be the first step to something special!

If there's anything I've learned from my endeavors and mistakes with girls (and even just in life in general), it's that clear and concise communication is too often forgotten and left to the riddles of assumptions and "what ifs". Only the experts can read body language like a book.. for the rest of us, we interpret each other wrongly all the time unless we verbally make our feelings and intentions understood. We can often be too shy or even too... humble to say exactly what it is we want to say. I've kind of meandered and tangent-ed off in this paragraph, but the point I'm trying to make is that perhaps there's been some misunderstanding between you and some of the girls.

You instantaneously seem thoughtful and intelligent. From my experience, these are attributes that, sadly (and perhaps wrongly assumed), a relatively high percentage of girls our age find dull and less interesting.. Less interesting for example than the loud guy who laughs at his own jokes every few minutes or those I guess who are just.. playerish, I guess would be a word to describe what I mean.

**STRANGE TANGENT - Read if interested**

I often wonder why this is, not just from people our age but even just in.. the modern age of expanding and increasing social technology. I think psychologically, "social power" is becoming more and more of an important attribute for us to possess. Unless you live in the north-most regions of Canada, Russia or Scandinavia without access to a computer - we are literally surrounded and can't get away from a social environment. I feel like, compared to say 50 years ago, that our ability to prove we are socially strong is becoming much much more of a fundamental thing. Perhaps even more so than proving our ability to work hard, to be intelligent or to be kind and thoughtful. Is this why the "players" are so popular with so many girls?

** BACK TO TOPIC - My apologies... **

You seem like a cool guy and I share so many of your thoughts that you shared with us. But seriously, sticking to yourself and your ideals will end up very good for you. Don't think yourself "pathetic" like you described. Or absolutely alone. You have gold intentions and you're apparently quite able to attract girls, so that's a very good thing ! My main advice I guess would be to be sure that you know the girl is not for you before pushing her away for coming on too strongly too quickly. It may just be her way of trying to get you to accept her.

I hope this helps. I hope you know your words have really helped me before. Ever grateful,

Thomas.

TSM. The guy makes a topic about the problems he's dealing with, then spends the rest of the thread supporting people in similar situations. You're awesome dood.

Perhaps you could try some internet dating? Admittedly, there will be women on there who want what you are trying to avoid, but I have seen many profiles of ladies who do genuinely want a relationship. Know what you mean bout wanting to find that connection. I came across a quote once when studying at uni, by Aristotle, he said, 'love is a single soul in two bodies.' That's my idea of what a true relationship is, but what can you do. I think our generation is more vulnerable and confused than we care to admit.

Sex without emotional attachment is...disgusting to me :|
But women are not as bold as that here, I mean, they won't just ask you to do "one night stand" or whatever you call it(Sorry I'm not english). I've been in a few relationships before, and I enjoyed kissing and cuddling more than sex. I've been with my first ex for almost 4 years without sex, so...I assume she's still a virgin now. I just...can't get the idea of sex without love.

That doesn't mean I'm a virgin myself though, but I do regret that. I guess it's just how I grow up with, in this part of asian culture.

This is generalizing and I admit its comes from other people's experience, not my own, but a lot of women do not want a relationship because that comes with doing our laundry, our shopping, our errands, making all our meals etc etc. That could be wrong, I don't know.