don't even know what to do anymore...

Everything is crashing around me... And it's my fault - even if it really isn't... To me it is. All of it is. Here I am sitting on the bathroom floor with the door locked, my BF and baby sleeping soundly in the other room... And all I can think of is how I DONT want this to end. I've already woken up before, with nothing beside me but a cold, damo basement wall in a strange room in an unfamilar house... All because I messed up BAD. I can't say I am suicidal... But I will say I wish I never existed. At the least I wish I could go back to before ALL of this... Before having a kid. Before him. To when I was supposed to head off to a country so riddled with war... That it didn't matter if I survived there or not. Because then, nothing mattered. Now? Now everything matters. And all that matters is crumbling.

I feel so worthless.. So unattractive, so unwanted.... I feel so useless; so incompetent as a spouse... As a mother. The depression is so bad that I don't even feel human. This isn't even me... It's NOT me. And this... This monster... Is going to destroy everything I have. I already know he has second thoughts. I already know he doesn't want to be around me. I don't even want to be around me... How can I expect someone to love me, when I don't even know who I am anymore?

And I want to tell him everything... But I can't. Every time I want to I shut down. I always shut down... And this time? This time I have to do something. I have a kid involved... I was stupid enough to bring a child into this messed up world. And I don't want him to stay because of her... I want him to stay because of me. Because of us. I don't want to lose him. And I know I will. I will because I cannot communicate... I can't handle my stress... And because this depression is kicking my ass hard core... It's making me aggravated, and angry... And I swear this isn't even me!

I just don't know what to do... How to do it... I hate my inability to speak up.. Until it's too late... And I can't go through what I did again. I won't survive it the second time around...

I feel so scared... So alone...

You have to siphon any trace left of self-worth and strength and let it flow inside your soul - if you can't do it for yourself, you must do it for your child. Your daughter is now the light of your world. Her whole life and being will come from the love that you radiate for her! Having a child is blessing, and not a curse. No matter how desperate and hopeless your life with your spouse may be right now.

- Get up and GO TO THE DOCTOR - if this is Post natal depression you need to get help. Do it NOW!

- You feel alone - you are not alone. If you can't talk to your SO about this, write him a letter, or print off your post and show it to him. Go to see the quack together.

- Any mother and baby type groups you could join? Having a moan with other new mothers might help. Might even make you smile a bit.

- Once again - go and see your doctor.

I already know what I have and I already know that! It takes weeks for what they give you to kick in anyways... And my SO already has the day off for seeing the doctor with us.

And trust me I have tried to talk to him about things that have bothered me but it's like I am a mute... I'm not being heard. I've thought of a letter or something...

I do not like strangers. Never have. Any time I have tried to talk to other mothers... I have felt more isolated, or upset. This is because I guess somehow here in this lame town everyone knows best and ANY weakness is terrible in their eyes... It's all "aww it's JUST baby blues" (and it isn't. I don't need a PhD to know that.). Or downplaying things I am not even exaggerating... But somehow some things that are downplayed, are downplayed because not a single person was there to see the worst of it (like the "afterpains" that didn't stop for almost an hour, rendered me useless for that time). They don't care for what I have to say.

It's clear you need help mentally. You should go and see a doctor, they should be able to put you in touch with someone. Ideally someone who can help you develop the skills you need in order to manage your thoughts and feelings, it's a gradual progress but it will be rewarding.

Good luck.

^ Good, the appointment is made and he is going with you. That is a great step to take and shows that you have some gumption. Ok the stuff might take a while to kick in, but at least you know that it will do so, and it is therefore a question of hanging on in there - no matter how hard it seems.

I understand that it is hard to talk to your partner, so sit down and get that letter written. He sounds like a caring person, and is probably worried sick about you, more so if you cannot tell him what is going on for you.

If you cannot face other people, then there are definitely on-line forums out there for new mothers. I am sure you have looked already, but look again and try sharing with others going through the same thing.

But I would also say that you might have to start overcoming the fear of strangers, for your child's sake. And sooner rather than later might be best for that.

Oh yes - and it isn't 'just' the baby blues. I thought that kind of thinking went out with the 1950's. Not everyone in your town will see it that way, I'm sure.

Just keep hanging in there. I truly believe that you can do this.

Well I did kind of feel sad right after birth... I couldn't hold or feed her... I lost so much blood I was incapable of remembering things, focusing on what they told me, and my arms were so weak I feared I would drop her... So it was hard. And has been hard.

I think this sleep deprived post (stress makes me stay awake), was more of the fact that I cannot communicate. I had someone, a relative, working with me on it... But she passed away. I don't feel comfortable opening up to strangers (includes professionals), with the exception of anonymity - like on here.

I bottled up so much over what I guess is now 3 years... Which was unfortunately a learned habit... That I guess now it's all coming out tenfold. I've had friends push me to communicate... And it works (even if at first I get upset about it in the end it's so much better), and he even used to do it. But he stopped. I wish he didn't..

---

What sucks is only recently did anyone tell me my biological mother had PPD when she had me. I had told the doctors that I didn't believe there was any history of it... And there is. She didn't get help.. This is how I know I HAVE to (even though I dislike the idea of such drugs in general). Because 21 years later and the way she is... Is the same way I am except the alcoholism she has... If it's really stayed with her that long... I don't want that. I don't want to be her. I don't want to suffer like she makes herself suffer. She doesn't have real relationships (when she has a chance to she destroys them), she drives people away, she won't communicate... I barely even know much else about her and I am already just like her..

I wrote a "letter" for him. Haven't done that in a long time... Last time I did, two pages worth front and back... Wasted because I was too late to say anything. I left it with the guy and I doubt he ever read it. I left the letter on my SO's computer desk, since that's probably the first place he'll go this morning. I think the issue with communicating for me is the unknown: not knowing how one will react.

I really believe this has a lot more to do than with PPD. It sounds like you come from a difficult past, plus you have just experienced a loss... then there is the PPD.

I'm glad you have an appointment with a therapist & I hope it goes well. Keep us updated on your progress.

Also, please accept my condolensces for your loss.

I've had friends push me to communicate... And it works (even if at first I get upset about it in the end it's so much better), and he even used to do it. But he stopped. I wish he didn't..

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He's probably terrified you might be in an angry mood, and will rip his head off and stuff it up his bum..

It's good that people have pushed you to communicate, it would be even better if you pushed yourself to do it, particularly with your SO. Glad you wrote him a letter about it. Don't be discouraged if he doesn't immediately respond, if that happens it likely means that he will be trying to digest it and work out how best to do so.

I barely even know much else about her and I am already just like her..

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You are NOT your mother. She didn't seek help, you are going to get it. You have insight, she didn't. She didn't keep her child (you) - you will fight for yourself and your baby and your SO. In fact you don't know much about her, so it's all speculation in any case.

What you do know is that she had PPD. Which is a risk factor for you. No-one really knows what causes PPD as yet, but there is a theory that some cases may be related to hormone levels in women where there is a history of PPD. Which cannot be describes as in any way your fault. If tablets are prescribed - take them. If therapy is prescribed - take it. Take any help you can get.

No, he stopped pushing me to communicate well before this. I would say probably halfway through the pregnancy it just stopped. Which sucks because for me it's an ongoing need for someone to get me to communicate. Otherwise I just "relapse". This happened before, with mt speech. I used to stutter... Bad stuttering, but when I was with someone... I worked hard on it to better myself. But when he up and left, it's like it all subconsciously reverted, and I had to do it all over again. :/ (somedays it sucks to be me...). Once I get over "the hill" in something that I find challenging, I am good to go.

All I know of that woman... Is what anyone even knows about her anymore. She's been in the dumps so long that no one can remember anything good. I have seen her violence, her anger, her bitterness... I get the seemingly bipolar attitude when she is drunk (it is how I know she is drunk... Thankfully she is a province away from us), with the anger, then the random apologies... That behavior is why I asked my family if she had PPD. Guess 20 years ago no one really knew about that... But she did have it. I'm almost identical in behavior to her... Almost. And that's why all I can think of is that I DONT want to be like her... Like her meaning the same situation.

Then you will not be like her. End of.

Forgot to mention... He hasn't really made much of a comment on that letter this morning. Can tell he wants to but is unsure of how to I guess. He thanked me for it though? I didn't really expect that.

But then again any letters like this that I have written before were ignored or... Well... Caused more harm than good at the time. That's the one thing I want to avoid with my girl... I want her to be able to communicate in any way about anything without fear. I wasn't taught that, but she should be.

Forgot to mention... He hasn't really made much of a comment on that letter this morning. Can tell he wants to but is unsure of how to I guess. He thanked me for it though? I didn't really expect that.

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What did I say above(somewhere)? That he might not respond immediately 'cos he might be unsure how?

It sounds like he is glad to know how you are feeling, that you have opened up. You have to give him some credit, babes. He has had a life changing experience as well, is probably really worried about you and getting it the neck not just from you but his mum and a bunch of ignorant co-workers ...

No, he didn't nearly bleed to death or suffer the pain, but being a guy I bet he wants to be able to fix all this for you, make it all better, and because he can't he probably feels a bit worthless as well. Yes?

Look I can't post much more tonight, I need my dinner and I have to watch The Voice (UK) to have something to talk to my father about tomorrow (he is a honeysuckle. we don't really get on but I try). So keep your chin-up and all that, just - love your girl and your guy and most importantly yourself, and it will get better.

jaguarundi said:

- Get up and GO TO THE DOCTOR - if this is Post natal depression you need to get help. Do it NOW!

- You feel alone - you are not alone. If you can't talk to your SO about this, write him a letter, or print off your post and show it to him. Go to see the quack together.

- Any mother and baby type groups you could join? Having a moan with other new mothers might help. Might even make you smile a bit.

- Once again - go and see your doctor.

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I agree totally. Don't think about it or wait a week or two to see if things get better. A mommy who's ill cannot take care of a baby. Your infant's life and health depends on you.
I've been in your shoes. My kiddo's dad turned out to be a rubbish parent and partner and we split when she was 6 months old. My closest relatives live 2,500 miles away. Thankfully, my situation got better over time. It can for you too, if you reach out for help.

-Teresa

Does he even care about me? I am doubting it. I know he goes to some flirt site... And another site for those looking for affairs.

Should I confront him on this? Right now, just walk out there and say "why? Why are you doing that?"

If he really doesn't give a **** then I will take Chloe and I will leave when I can. I have enough support to get me by temporarily. I'm obviously never important enough to anyone for them to not hurt me.

That's gotta hurt....I don't really know what to say when your heart is irrevocably broken by that kind of nasty....wow Senimian. Be strong for you and little girl, she's innocent and needs you. I guess my heart goes out to you despite not knowing what to say or how to encourage you

He's denied it all. Said I gave him the "3rd degree" for links he "accidentally" clicked. (numerous profiles checked out and all?) Then he proceeded to try and leave with Chloe! Because I was "angry". No... I was hurt. I don't even have tears left for this honeysuckle.

He doesn't realize that certain behaviors I notice in him, are the same in the last couple of guys I have dated. I've been able to read people very well, as well.

You know... I thought I was doing so good. I really did.

All I wanted to do was lay down. He is fully capable of looking after her for a couple hours. He puts her in the bedroom with me instead. So I get up. Why bother? No point now.

What do I get? Him being pissy because I got up. So he goes to take her out of the room. I said not to. And the comment he made that really did a number: "why? It's obviously you don't even want to be around her."

You're right. A week and a half ago, I didn't. I didn't want anything to do with her. Didn't want to hold her, look at her or deal with her. Because I felt incompetent and that I didn't matter. So when he said that, especially KNOWING what I am going through... That hurt. That hurt a lot worse than it should of. He knew he was out of line... He apologized, but I just couldn't let it go. I don't even feel happy (again...). I don't have any ambition (again...).

Senamian said:

That's the one thing I want to avoid with my girl... I want her to be able to communicate in any way about anything without fear. I wasn't taught that, but she should be.

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I just read this again- I completely understand this sentiment. As a child I was discouraged from any meaningful expression of how I felt. So many times I heard things like '....it's just a phase....' or '....you'll grow out of it son....'- I felt so marginalized as a kid. That's one of the bigger reasons I encourage Kid to express herself and say what's on her mind. I might not agree with her thoughts but I won't trivialize them either. You're doing your daughter a HUGE favour by teaching her about communication Senamian- seeing Kids confidence and ease in expressing herself brings much joy to my life.