How to get married...

So I have a friend. She is 10 years younger than me. Two years ago she graduated from school and turned her mind to getting married. No boyfriend mind you. See her parents are obsessed with her getting married and weirdly.... instead of rebelling she felt pressure to do so.

She is not ugly but certainly not Angelena Jolie.

So, within 6 months of that she had a boyfriend, within 2 months of that, she was talking engagement and within a year... she was engaged. I was stunned. This was the first time I was every privy to the "making of a wife". She set her mind to finding a guy and getting married like she was buying a new TV and it happened.

I thought to myself... see, this is how you do it. This is what I am missing. The desire/// pressure /// mental force to make marriage a reality. My parents were always very accepting of me doing whatever I wanted on to on this and so... I think I defaulted to nothing and still see "dating" as somehow beneath me.

It isn't like buying a new TV because I could be rejected but... my friend.. basically seemed to not care... and saw that as the cost of doing business, but of course, given how I think her mind was made up... no one rejected her. In fact, it seemed like the passion she had for this made them even more interested in her.

I post this as an example of maybe what we are doing wrong... though It is extremely hard for me to get motivated.

Getting married isn't really an impressive feat, staying with someone is. I've seen a bunch of "ex" drug addicts and such meet each other, "fall in love" then propose within days of meeting. After a few weeks they'd usually break up with each other or runaway together and get married.
(not trying to compare your friend to drug addicts, just an example.)
I didn't keep up with any of the ones that ran off together, but I usuallly heard from people that kept in contact and it never seemed to last long before they broke up or one cheated on the other, honeysuckle like that.

Really the whole idea of marriage is meaningless. One can get divorced from the other whenever they want, and unless you're Religious the only real difference between being a couple and being a married couple is a ring and some paperwork.It's also worth noting that some people on this site, as well as others like it are actually married and yet still feel alone. I'm not saying marriage is bad, but it doesn't necessarily mean you're close to someone, or even that you feel loved.

I have no doubt that if most people really tried they could find a fiance within 6 months but whether it would last, whether you'd be happy together and life would be better is another story. Of course even doing that much could be a problem if there are problems in your life. Problems such as joblessness, mental or physical disabilities, health problems, disfigurement, psychological problems, etcetera.

Disregarding the barriers to starting a relationship some people, myself included, just couldn't take getting engaged within two months, not because of a fear of commitment, but a fear of loss, a fear of being hurt. The pain of loss one feels and the speed of recovery depends on the importance that particular person places upon their significant other. If someone treats it as something they should do after college because their parents told them to, like buying a new TV, then it's likely they wouldn't exactly have their world crumble if it didn't last long.
However to some people their significant other means the world to them, and if that person left them or cheated on them they'd absolutely fall apart and would likely be out of commission for months or even years emotionally to the point of not only effecting their romantic life, but even their everyday life. Obviously this all differs from person to person, and depends on variables such as time and attachment, but I'm just comparing two sides of the spectrum of which I and likely many others on this site fall more towards the latter.

I definitely need a better mindset, thats for sure.

DeadSun said:

Getting married isn't really an impressive feat, staying with someone is.

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Best. Post. Ever.

DeadSun said:

Getting married isn't really an impressive feat, staying with someone is. . .

Really the whole idea of marriage is meaningless. One can get divorced from the other whenever they want, and unless you're Religious the only real difference between being a couple and being a married couple is a ring and some paperwork.It's also worth noting that some people on this site, as well as others like it are actually married and yet still feel alone. I'm not saying marriage is bad, but it doesn't necessarily mean you're close to someone, or even that you feel loved.

I have no doubt that if most people really tried they could find a fiance within 6 months but whether it would last, whether you'd be happy together and life would be better is another story. . .

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If this wasn't so long, I'd have it put on a t-shirt and sell it.

If you really, truly agree with the idea of marriage, and want to be married, then you do it because you love someone. You do it because they want it as well. Not because of any other ideals - social, religious, or otherwise - surrounding marriage. I don't agree with one getting married just because someone becomes pregnant, or because they figure they've been together for long enough that marriage makes sense.

I truly hope your friend doesn't think she must get married to justify herself. Because if that's the case, she has deeper issues to think about over finding a husband.

I concur with the above. For example, look at my parents. They got married, had my sister and I, raised us until high school, and got divorced.

I rather be happy with someone for the rest of my life with no title, then just get married to be married.

DeadSun said:

Really the whole idea of marriage is meaningless. One can get divorced from the other whenever they want, and unless you're Religious the only real difference between being a couple and being a married couple is a ring and some paperwork.It's also worth noting that some people on this site, as well as others like it are actually married and yet still feel alone.

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I don't think it's meaningless if those involved, their friends, family, society etc. still have an expectation of life-long commitment around it.

DeadSun said:

I have no doubt that if most people really tried they could find a fiance within 6 months but whether it would last,

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Not if you're referring to a normal relationship with a mentally stable person. Not at all. Exploiting women desperate for a way out of poverty or seeking out someone with problems aren't options for most of us. Who would want that?

Most of us here are single because of the standards of the opposite sex.

Getting married is an impressive feat for me. I have succeeded at EVERYTHING in my life BUT this.. this I can't even get a candidate. I realize for me an a lot of people here... it is an issue of not really wanting it ... attacking it like my friend.. having a clue of how to make some one want me. I suspect strongly if I got those fixed... I would be able to make it last.

Cultures that still do the arranged marriage thingie make the feat of marrying a whole lot easier. In my opinion thats cheating. Haha