How to fight shyness/social anxiety?

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

Dexter

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2013
Messages
252
Reaction score
1
Location
Germany
I think my basic problem that results in me having a hard time to make friends is that I am a shy person. I really have a hard time approaching other people, especially on a personal level.
Maybe I even have some form of social anxiety? Not really sure about this.

So I am asking you, if you have any advices on how to overcome, fight and defeat shyness or social anxiety?

At the moment I am considering visiting a therapist or a support group in order to get some help, because I don't know how to manage that by myself.
But I never visited a therapist or a support group before, so does anyone here have experience with those?
 
I have considered the same move but have not done so, yet. I will be interested in hearing the replies your OP receives. I know A type people, or the social butterfly types, who say they get lonely but whether its the same kind of lonely ... I don't know. I suspect there are degrees of loneliness just like some people have deeper valleys to walk through then others.
 
I suppose it depends on where you're coming from. Someone who feels ashamed of who they are and fears rejection if they open up has different problems than someone with a knee-jerk anxiety reaction to being put in the spotlight. One might focus on gaining more perspective on their own self-image while another might try something like CBT.
 
I had a number of years of analysis following the breakup of my 2nd relationship. Also I then got interested in psychology, and did an extra-mural diploma in it, for fun, and a lot of Personal Development training in cognitive therapy.

And I can honestly it was all worth it. The analyst was a bit Freudian, a bit other stuff - a man of infinite fun and patience, a Great Man. I owe him more than I can say, he enabled me to see myself and finally really believe myself to be as others saw me, not as the scared girl of my upbringing. I think it was as much down to him and his personality as the school of therapy he belonged to, It was as if he re-fathered me (or grandfathered, more like it).

The studies were interesting, wouldn't say they helped me per se, but I did realise that there are a lot of people out there with real psychiatric problems, not just a bit on the neurotic side.

The cognitive therapy workshops and training was excellent, I think in many ways the best type of thing for depression. I also met a good lot of people, went to the US twice for training and to help in a workshop, and met a couple of people who became firm friends, to this day (it was 20 years ago or thereabouts).

So if you feel you might like to try it, I say go for it. If you don't like a therapist or group, try a another, the relationships are important.
 
Dexter said:
I think my basic problem that results in me having a hard time to make friends is that I am a shy person. I really have a hard time approaching other people, especially on a personal level.
Maybe I even have some form of social anxiety? Not really sure about this.

So I am asking you, if you have any advices on how to overcome, fight and defeat shyness or social anxiety?

At the moment I am considering visiting a therapist or a support group in order to get some help, because I don't know how to manage that by myself.
But I never visited a therapist or a support group before, so does anyone here have experience with those?

I think shyness is better than boldness. Just be who you are and as you face some of lifes challenges, you will learn to be more outspoken, not worrying about what others think. You are trying to please too much, that is your only problem.
Just be yourself.
 
I can understand where you're coming from. Anytime I want to talk to someone, I usually think the person will think I'm weird or odd if I approach them. Sometimes I usually take deep breathes or think to myself about what I'll say once I walk up to them and start a conversation. Sometimes I usually compliment people, I'll see something that they're wearing or study them for a bit. Once I see something that spots my eye, I'll say, "Wow I love you're necklace!" This is just an example however. But I'll actually mean it truly. If I feel as if that's a stupid comment, I'll giggle and I'll tell them; "Sorry I just had to tell you that." They usually giggle and tell me, "No don't worry about it, it's cool." Than I'll wait of something else to say and sometimes I continue the conversation and other times I fail and think to myself, "Well at least I tried my best." I may be a failure sometimes whenever I start a conversation with people but I keep trying. Sometimes people just don't click and other times you'll click with other type of people. Believe it all depends on the kind of people you talk too. Shyness and Social Anxiety is a challenge but you can at least try.

And you don't have to go by how I approach things, that's just usually what I do cause I seem to like complimenting people. My mother is a big talker and anytime we go to a store and so many times my mother ends up meeting four or five different people inside a store. And were only in there getting groceries or something for the house and I wonder to myself, "How on earth does she do it?" Now I noticed I have the same traits as my own mother, but I'm a little bit shy and it takes me awhile to actually able to talk to people. My mother however can talk to people with no problem at all, lol!
 
Dexter said:
I think my basic problem that results in me having a hard time to make friends is that I am a shy person. I really have a hard time approaching other people, especially on a personal level.
Maybe I even have some form of social anxiety? Not really sure about this.

So I am asking you, if you have any advices on how to overcome, fight and defeat shyness or social anxiety?

At the moment I am considering visiting a therapist or a support group in order to get some help, because I don't know how to manage that by myself.
But I never visited a therapist or a support group before, so does anyone here have experience with those?

Just take baby steps, don't rush into it. Find a hobby that you like to do and join and go from there. Also i would say is work on how you see yourself.
 
Cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure therapy can help. Therapy in general can help. Avoid/ignore any psychiatrist who wants to put you on multiple medications ('Take one med for this, one med to fight side-effects of that, one for the side-effects of the side-effects fighter, etc.'). Some doctors will always want to medicate you as much as they can. They are trained that way in school and that's how they function. Avoid them. Don't be afraid to say no, don't be afraid to move to a different doctor.

To help get your started you might find a medication like Ativan helpful; and with that start you can work with your therapist to get you moving towards your goals. With exposure therapy definitely take baby steps. Too much, too fast, can lead to regression and bad experiences that encourage regression.
 
panfruit said:
Cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure therapy can help. Therapy in general can help. Avoid/ignore any psychiatrist who wants to put you on multiple medications ('Take one med for this, one med to fight side-effects of that, one for the side-effects of the side-effects fighter, etc.'). Some doctors will always want to medicate you as much as they can. They are trained that way in school and that's how they function. Avoid them. Don't be afraid to say no, don't be afraid to move to a different doctor.

To help get your started you might find a medication like Ativan helpful; and with that start you can work with your therapist to get you moving towards your goals. With exposure therapy definitely take baby steps. Too much, too fast, can lead to regression and bad experiences that encourage regression.

Agreed. There are a number of bad attitudes about there when it comes to mental health, and crocking someone up on half a dozen different medications at the drop of a hat is one of them. Medication comes at a cost.
 
Usually the one step at the time. Like today I will go to grocery and tomorrow to the library etc. Or going home with different bus (usually have to walk little longer with the second bus). Little steps for me. :)
 
panfruit said:
Some doctors will always want to medicate you as much as they can.

Because they receive kickbacks. See anti-kickback statue in the US as an example.
 
Groucho said:
panfruit said:
Some doctors will always want to medicate you as much as they can.

Because they receive kickbacks. See anti-kickback statue in the US as an example.

I think meds do have a place for some people - knew a bi-polar girl who stopped hers, had a psychotic episode and threw herself off a multi-story car-park....

. .. But a lot of everyday bog-standard neurotic stuff (not that it feels bog standard if you have it of course, but you get my drift) might be far better off treated with an appropriate therapy. I'm guessing that there are no kickbacks associated with it though?
 
Thank you for all your posts so far, I really appreciate your answers.

Unfortunately I couldn't find a support group in my area, so I think I will try out a therapist soon.
I hope he doesn't want to give me medication (I didn't want to take them in the first place anyway and your opinions on meds are more than justified).
Maybe I find someone who uses the Cognitive behavioral therapy that panfruit mentioned for example. I looked that method up on the internet and it sounds promissing.
 
After a longer search I finally found a support group. I sent them an email and I am now waiting for their reply.

I would be happy about every additional advice you can give me on how to oppose shyness or social anxiety.
 
Dexter said:
After a longer search I finally found a support group. I sent them an email and I am now waiting for their reply.

I would be happy about every additional advice you can give me on how to oppose shyness or social anxiety.

Well that's a result! Glad you have found something, and I hope it helps.
 
I have to agree with the people who have mentioned CBT. It's tough to take that first step and admit you need help, but when I finally did it it did bring some relief. For me, I also needed medication to help with my symptoms. It's not perfect yet, but I am making progress and that's a start.
 
I always try to think, "What's the worst thing that could happen to me by this? Me ending up dead? Left with horrible scar or missing limb? Get my head chopped off? Have a spear driven through my chest? Fingers going missing? Nope, nope, nope, nope... Matter in fact, if I walk up & they don't wanna talk to me? Oh, well, in that case, can't be that bad... I might even end up with a funny story I can share with someone, like 'there was this one time when I walked up to a girl who was a complete stranger & she gave me a weird look & laughed at me'... That in itself might be a conversation starter with someone else..."
 
Dexter said:
Sigh ... I didn't make any progress so far :(

Early days Dexter. Go easy on yourself.

Took me many months and many opportunities before I could handle meeting people in person.

I think the key is to having a positive experience when you're with other people (so attend people who are positive towards you). I find if there's so much as one negative person, it ruins the experience. But being around positive people seems to break the effect and trend and your brain begins to think 'hmm, being around people isn't so bad'.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top