Why do I have absolutely no confidence with women I don't know?

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SimonT

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Is it normal for a man to have absolutely no confidence around wimen he doesn't kniw? Is it nornal. Even if a woman smiles at me I'm reluctant to sat hi. Is it confidence or self esteem? I just don't know. All's I know is I'n gonna be single forever at this rate.
 
SimonT said:
Is it normal for a man to have absolutely no confidence around wimen he doesn't kniw? Is it nornal. Even if a woman smiles at me I'm reluctant to sat hi. Is it confidence or self esteem? I just don't know. All's I know is I'n gonna be single forever at this rate.

I'm not going to say it's normal, but it happens. I would say that it is both confidence and self-esteem.

When a woman smiles at you do you at least smile back? I think that gesture is just as good as saying hello.
 
I am also a bit shy around them.

Especially the ones that I find attractive.

The funny thing is - most women are very nice and approachable and personable. But I think men struggle sometimes because they see the beauty first (visually) and are intimidated.
 
pieflavor said:
The funny thing is - most women are very nice and approachable and personable. But I think men struggle sometimes because they see the beauty first (visually) and are intimidated.

Very true! And sometimes, we are just as shy as you. :)
 
Nicolelt said:
pieflavor said:
The funny thing is - most women are very nice and approachable and personable. But I think men struggle sometimes because they see the beauty first (visually) and are intimidated.

Very true! And sometimes, we are just as shy as you. :)

Impossible!!


lol ...
 
Nicolelt said:
SimonT said:
Is it normal for a man to have absolutely no confidence around wimen he doesn't kniw? Is it nornal. Even if a woman smiles at me I'm reluctant to sat hi. Is it confidence or self esteem? I just don't know. All's I know is I'n gonna be single forever at this rate.

I'm not going to say it's normal, but it happens. I would say that it is both confidence and self-esteem.

When a woman smiles at you do you at least smile back? I think that gesture is just as good as saying hello.

Sometimes I smile back and sometimes I don't. I find it can also affect my day. The feeling of helplessness and despair it causes me to feel afterwards. I suffer with social anxiety a bit as well that doesn't help.
 
It's gets me down, not always like this, but sometimes, gets me down so much that I see men who have great rapport with women and feel so jealous and sometimes a little angry of them. Also sometimes feel sick and unwell when I see a couple all loved up. Especially a couple I saw on the bus once with there arms around each other and kissing. I felt so bad I was very close to asking tthem to stop.
 
Even some who have a lot of confidence and self esteem can feel the same way, it's just worse for those who lack both because we are more aware of it. Were as some might take that step forward others take a step back. Especially if you are a person who takes rejection rather hard. I learned that early on and at a critical age too. When I was 13 and we had a dance at our school hardly any of the boys were dancing. So teachers were going around trying to get some to dance, they would ask us who we liked or wanted to dance with. Sadly at that age friends have no qualms about outing who you had a crush on. A teacher went up to a girl I like and asked her to dance with me, she recoiled in horror and refused to. I never asked a girl to dance ever again, I let them come to me. Thankfully there is a silver lining, one of her friends (who was the nicest girl in the school who everyone liked) offered to dance with me. But man did that ever have a negative affect on someone who was already shy. Never learned to work on that and man I wish I had. Girls aren't scarey (and visa versa) some are just as afraid as you are. You'll never know if you don't try. You can wait for them to ask you like I have but then you'll always wonder "what if" later in life. Don't wonder.
 
Nicolelt said:
pieflavor said:
The funny thing is - most women are very nice and approachable and personable. But I think men struggle sometimes because they see the beauty first (visually) and are intimidated.

Very true! And sometimes, we are just as shy as you. :)

^ That!

I guess I couldn't say whether it's normal (seems normal enough to me), but I myself am terribly self-conscious around men... especially men I don't know. I am socially anxious in general, but particularly with the opposite sex.
 
Sci-Fi hit the nail on the head there. I know I've had a similar experience to the whole "she recoiled in horror" moment. I'd guess plenty of ladies have experienced similar. Both men and women can be very cruel in their rejections. I can recall in my teens, one girl laughed at me and then made a significant effort to take the piss out of me amongst her friends after I approached her to say that I was interested in her. That was particularly crushing. When I look back on it now, I kinda feel like I dodged a bullet. This is because, if that's her personality, that she feels the need to ridicule people she's not interested in for having the rudeness to find her attractive.... then wow. I'm deadly serious about being happy that I didn't end up going out with her. I'm just left thinking "what a horrible person. I never want to end up in a relationship with someone so cold and horrible." Personally... I've never understood why some people take offence at someone they consider less attractive taking an interest in them. Why? What purpose does it fulfil?

It has a pretty big negative effect on you because you want your feelings reciprocated. It's not just voicing your opinion to someone and seeing if you agree. You can't really agree to disagree about it lol. It's not something you can usually say "hey ho, never mind" about because you've invested some emotion in the first place. For what it's worth... my solution to this has been to ask early. Invest less emotion and when they say no... it still hurts a little, but it's way easier to get over. Plus it allows you to maintain a bit of positive self image. Saying things like "she's clearly not that great. After all, she didn't recognise how awesome I am." (Swap she for he if you're a lady and it works just as well.)

A useful tip I realised when I just made friends among girls as I was younger... many will view you as just potential friend material anyway. Perhaps just talking to some ladies as a friend will help you to view them in a different light and banish the scary image of "intimidating beautiful women"? It certainly did for me when I was in my teens. Just don't start falling for them without making a move... that's another thing which led to much heartache in my teens :( You'll eventually realise that not every beautiful woman out there is a good match for you anyway. You'll find some who are beautiful, interesting and great to talk to... but they're just missing that special something. Hopefully these words of encouragement will give you the chance to build your confidence a little.
 
SimonT said:
Is it normal for a man to have absolutely no confidence around women he doesn't know? Is it normal. Even if a woman smiles at me I'm reluctant to say hi. Is it confidence or self esteem? I just don't know. All's I know is I'm gonna be single forever at this rate.

Pretty much the same here. I can't even seem to talk to women online anymore, I mean I can but not like IM'ing or god forbid webcams. I used to be fine online at least, but I guess over the years I've just broken down even more. I'm not even sure if it's necessarily shyness, more like I'm just crazy. I'll sort of play out all these scenario's in my head which end horribly, and I think she'd probably hate me.

(sort of a long rant that's probably not worth reading below.)
And if I find a woman attractive its even worse. First I was taking like a week just to send this girl a PM about a post on the singles thread (not going to say who it is or say anything specific so it should be fine to talk about privacy wise.), debating whether or not I should try talking to her since she couldn't possibly have any interest in me. Then I finally do and she gives me her Skype name. Then I'm thinking oh god I don't wanna use webcams and a mic because I'm ******* hideous and I couldn't handle the pressure even if she seemed nice, but I'm on a laptop so I can't really just say I don't have a webcam. So after a day or two I send a PM asking if we can just IM and not use webcams or mic's even though it probably makes me seem like a crazy *******.

Then she says she only wants to IM anyway. So then a few days after that when I'm done with some stuff in real life and I'm feeling okay I go on Skype to add her. Then I put her name in the search (see her picture) and immediately think Oh fresia, she's hot. Game over man, game over. It's not so bad when it's some faceless person but when you see who she is AND she's crazy attractive, it just sort of makes me feel like I shouldn't even be talking to her you know? Even online. It's sort of like going in for an interview at some corporate office where everyone's wearing really nice business suits and you're just wearing a torn up pair of jeans and a T-shirt. It seems like it'd be stupid to even try.

And then even if we did talk to each other, maybe just a few days or a few weeks or whatever then what if I liked her and then one day she just loses interest or decides she hates me and we never talk again? Rejection from someone you don't really know and haven't really talked to is one thing, but if I spent a lot of time talking to a girl and got attached to her or something I don't know if I could take just being cut off again. Just sort of thrown away like none of it really happened, like I never even existed. But If I can't even start a conversation with a woman online then I'll always be miserable and alone like I am now.

Anyway I'm just saying there's other people with similar problems, so it's sort of normal. Or at least, it's sort of normal for a lot of people here. And sorry for the somewhat incoherent rambling about personal issues and taking up so much space on the thread with it, I just sorta wanted to get some stuff out I guess. Also it's 7am over here so I apologize for any spelling errors and/or poor writing.
 
In a standard social conversations I am fine around women.
Partly because my workplace has a very high percentage of female employees.

My nervousness and lack on confidence kicks in when it comes to asking a woman out.
No doubt this is because of the self doubts I have about my attractiveness to women and a fear of rejection.

Never having had a girlfriend always makes me feel like there is so much at stake.
 
It's hard to say per say. But for me, I never really had female friends or that many friends period until after high school so I had horrible confidence when it came to women. Eventually some came to me, and I found a girl I was absolutely crazy about and after dating for a while I asked her to be my wife. Obvious things went south from there but after losing her, the pain I felt from not having the person I feel in love with is what gives me confidence. It's pretty much just the feeling like, yeah I feel like crap right now so getting rejected won't hurt me much more.
 
I can talk to women all in a work environment. And I can talk to customers really easy. Asking a woman for a coffee is a massive difference. I simply know they are not interested in me. How can you get confidence when your pretty much rubbish at something ?
 

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