Dating Etiquette: How to sugarcoat rejection when rejecting a genuinely nice person!

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Alonewith2cats

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I welcome advice and constructive criticism. I am feeling really guilty right now. Last Sunday I went on a date with someone I met on-line who is a genuinely good person. I'm talking about someone who is kind, compassionate, a gentleman and a humanitarian. Someone who works in hospitals in countries like Afghanistan and Iraq. Someone who deserves to have someone fall in love with him. Unfortunately I did not feel any chemistry at all. I cannot fathom the idea of kissing him or having sex with him. I really do like him as a human being, just platonically. Of course I knew better than to say "Let's be friends." Men do not think this way and they don't join dating sites to be friends. This man does not live in the same city I do. I live in San Diego, he lives in Yuma, AZ, a 3 hour drive. Yes, he does have friends in San Diego and goes to medical conference meetings in Los Angeles. Still I have to appreciate the fact that he drove quite some distance to meet me. A stranger on line who we started with just chatting, then text messaging drove from Los Angeles to San Diego to meet me. We met in Balboa Park, visited the International Houses and spent several hours getting to know each other. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy his company, I just like him as a friend. No sexual attraction, no romantic interest. But I admire him for the human being he is. I know he was attracted to me because when someone touches you a lot and gets affectionate, you know he likes you. The sad part of the date was at the end when he asked if I would like to meet again and I had to decline. I thanked him for taking the time to meet me, I told him that I enjoyed spending time with him and that I like him as a human being but I don't want him to drive the distance to meet me again because we're not going to be more than friends. I also told him that this has been my general on-line dating experience so far. I meet a lot of interesting people but I only like them platonically. At that point things got so awkward, so quiet. Then we said goodbye,shook hands and went our separate ways.

Why do I feel like a mean person? Is there anything I should have done differently?
 
Maybe it was a bit long-winded, like you were trying to press home the point, but you didn't say anything wrong. There shouldn't be a problem with politely declining a second date as long you don't make him feel like a monster in the process.
 
You were honest. I congratulate you on being straight up with him immediately instead of giving false hope and waiting until it was 'safer' to do it at a distance.
 
You did it perfectly. If only everyone else was so direct and honest. Sucks for the awesome guys that drive three hours for a date though.
 
ardour said:
Maybe it was a bit long-winded, like you were trying to press home the point, but you didn't say anything wrong. There shouldn't be a problem with politely declining a second date as long you don't make a him feel like a monster in the process.
Click to expand...

It was a bit long winded, I agree. I guess I felt the need to say that I've been having this experience in general with on-line dating because I didn't want him to take it personally. Because it's true, he is not the only guy I met on-line that I didn't feel feel that romantic, sexual attraction to when we met in person.

It's too bad though, that the chemistry wasn't there because if it was I'm pretty sure that I would have eventually married him. He had a quality of goodness you wouldn't believe.
 
kamya said:
Have you had that kind of chemistry or sexual attraction with anyone before?
Click to expand...

Yes. Anyone I've ever had a crush on. Of course that's just on my end. And I've been alive for 40 years and I'm not a virgin. What can I say, some people are sexual magnets to me and some people are not. Usually those magnets are not the ones I can have access to. I know some cute coworkers and a former bus buddy I would love to....
 
If you don't feel it, you don't feel it.

Sometimes I find that people I did not have an immediate sexual attraction to do start growing on me over time, but I usually felt quite neutral about them (sexually speaking) in the beginning.

But I will say that the rush you get from a crush isn't the stuff that will last in the long run, even if it is reciprocated. You need shared values and so on.

You mentioned that you have found this problem with on-line dating, that you find you are not attracted when you meet, and I guess that is one of the problems of getting to know someone that way. I wonder if it is too easy to put a lot of expectation on a meeting which a person can never match up to in the flesh? Never tried it myself so I don't know.

All that being said, it sounds like you explained the situation to him quite well and what more could you do if it wasn't going to work for you?
 
It's amazing how many different things work when it comes to love. (And how many things we'd think SHOULD work in love... don't.) Jag has provided her usual incisive comments that cut straight to the heart of things.

As a "genuinely decent" guy who's been rejected after a date or two, I can say it's something which hurts... but you tend to get over it pretty quickly. For two reasons, firstly I always think "we've met once, and that's enough for you to make a lifelong decision?" Given the fluidity of emotion, I think it's utterly absurd to give anybody just one date before you make up your mind. So any lady who dates me is either going to get two or three dates minimum, or she'll be the one to break it off earlier than that. Otherwise I don't think I'd be able to make a fair assessment on whether I really feel anything or not. I always remember what an old colleague of mine said about her husband who she'd met at uni. She felt nothing for him and barely noticed him the first two or three times they'd met. Then he wandered into the pub one evening, having not shaved that day, and she was suddenly really attracted to him. I found it a bit of a funny story that her future happiness had pretty much been down to blind luck. However, it demonstrates the point I'm trying to make rather nicely. The idea that the spark needs to be instant and burning brightly with the fire of a thousand suns really does seem like fairytale stuff.

In terms of turning him down... it sounds a little like you went about it in the right way. There's no real spark between us and our date was more like two friends enjoying dinner than two potential lovers. If he's as smart as you say he is, he'll immediately understand this and (more than this) he'll really appreciate you being honest and direct. There's nothing worse than the fade away girl. You are not that, so I applaud you! One thing you've got to keep in mind is this absurd idea people put about saying "it's nothing personal." I think anyone who says that when it comes to romantic rejection should really be strung up and dragged through the streets as the type of moron who desperately tries to avoid negativity to the point of hairy arsed blind imbecility! Of course it's personal. You're telling someone "I don't want to have a relationship with you." Why? "Because I don't feel a spark or *insert other reason here*" add subtext, you are you and because you are you, I am not attracted to you. Romance is very personal in the first place. You've got to appreciate that rejecting him, he will take it personally, because it is personal and he has every right to. However, if he's as smart as you say he is, then he won't suffer from it for very long. There's the initial blow of being told you're not liked. Then there is time for reflection. Usually the person will rationalise something to prevent this rejection damaging their ego too much. This will have happened before and it will happen again. Ultimately, from your point of view Alone... I'd say that you need to appreciate you can't reject anyone without causing that initial blow. View it as the equivalent of getting a jab. Sure, it's painful initially, but you're better in the long run because you took that initial pain. In this case, you're the doctor giving the jab. Do you think doctors go around deeply worried about all the little pains they cause people? No... though we do hate it when they lie to us about it. There's probably many more comparisons to be made here, but in the end... you seem to be going about things in the right way. If you try to inject a little truth into your thought process and accept the downsides which can't be avoided, then it might make you feel a bit better.

(...the alternative would be not to date, that way you can avoid ever rejecting anyone :p)
 
^ Re Nightwings post, (sort of)..

I have worked with people from cultures where an arranged - or these days sort of semi-arranged marriage (where a few prospects are presented but either party can say no)- are more normal. Given that these do seem to work out (although not being inside one, I am talking out of my arse a bit), then the whole 'coup de foudre' western romantic notion isn't really the norm some of us take it to be.

And having been violently infatuated with my 1st - only to find we had nothing in common (projection, more projection and lust on my part), I sometimes wonder if the love and friendship that grows steadily is not the best bet in the end.

Unfortunately - and this is the problem I see with getting to know someone via the internet from a long distance, it is hard to get that proximity without a hell of a lot of travel.

Hells bells speaking of which have to go - art club this afternoon.
 
I guess everybody deals with rejections differently... I'd prefer complete honesty rather than someone trying to sugar-coat things... That way there's no guessing game... I don't see anything wrong with the way you handled it... I had almost identical experience... I went out on a blind date with a girl & turned out I didn't really feel any connection with her in romantic way... She was really a nice person... I told her exactly how I felt at the end of the date, I told her I had a very nice time, which I really did, & I enjoyed our time together but I just didn't feel a romantic connection with her, & she actually thanked me for being honest... To this day, we keep in touch & are good friends...
 
"I really like you very much but a click is a click, and if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen? Every woman would be lucky to have you, but where I am at the moment is a place where I don't see a relationship happening? We live too far, I am sorry, just reading about it makes me exhausted? I am going to marry my cousin? (hence I must be a very sick person) I want to save everyone's time and I must tell you: I don't see a future together? I really want to get married have three children (if he is against marriage) I really want to move to South Africa (if he hates hot weather)? You are awesome and I must be really screwed up at the moment because I don't see it happening between us? I know I will bitterly regret this in five years, but…" etc
 
Nightwing said:
It's amazing how many different things work when it comes to love. (And how many things we'd think SHOULD work in love... don't.) Jag has provided her usual incisive comments that cut straight to the heart of things.

As a "genuinely decent" guy who's been rejected after a date or two, I can say it's something which hurts... but you tend to get over it pretty quickly. For two reasons, firstly I always think "we've met once, and that's enough for you to make a lifelong decision?" Given the fluidity of emotion, I think it's utterly absurd to give anybody just one date before you make up your mind. So any lady who dates me is either going to get two or three dates minimum, or she'll be the one to break it off earlier than that. Otherwise I don't think I'd be able to make a fair assessment on whether I really feel anything or not. I always remember what an old colleague of mine said about her husband who she'd met at uni. She felt nothing for him and barely noticed him the first two or three times they'd met. Then he wandered into the pub one evening, having not shaved that day, and she was suddenly really attracted to him. I found it a bit of a funny story that her future happiness had pretty much been down to blind luck. However, it demonstrates the point I'm trying to make rather nicely. The idea that the spark needs to be instant and burning brightly with the fire of a thousand suns really does seem like fairytale stuff.

In terms of turning him down... it sounds a little like you went about it in the right way. There's no real spark between us and our date was more like two friends enjoying dinner than two potential lovers. If he's as smart as you say he is, he'll immediately understand this and (more than this) he'll really appreciate you being honest and direct. There's nothing worse than the fade away girl. You are not that, so I applaud you! One thing you've got to keep in mind is this absurd idea people put about saying "it's nothing personal." I think anyone who says that when it comes to romantic rejection should really be strung up and dragged through the streets as the type of moron who desperately tries to avoid negativity to the point of hairy arsed blind imbecility! Of course it's personal. You're telling someone "I don't want to have a relationship with you." Why? "Because I don't feel a spark or *insert other reason here*" add subtext, you are you and because you are you, I am not attracted to you. Romance is very personal in the first place. You've got to appreciate that rejecting him, he will take it personally, because it is personal and he has every right to. However, if he's as smart as you say he is, then he won't suffer from it for very long. There's the initial blow of being told you're not liked. Then there is time for reflection. Usually the person will rationalise something to prevent this rejection damaging their ego too much. This will have happened before and it will happen again. Ultimately, from your point of view Alone... I'd say that you need to appreciate you can't reject anyone without causing that initial blow. View it as the equivalent of getting a jab. Sure, it's painful initially, but you're better in the long run because you took that initial pain. In this case, you're the doctor giving the jab. Do you think doctors go around deeply worried about all the little pains they cause people? No... though we do hate it when they lie to us about it. There's probably many more comparisons to be made here, but in the end... you seem to be going about things in the right way. If you try to inject a little truth into your thought process and accept the downsides which can't be avoided, then it might make you feel a bit better.

(...the alternative would be not to date, that way you can avoid ever rejecting anyone :p)
Click to expand...

Nightwing, I do agree with your opinion to give someone 3 dates before deciding that there isn't going to be a romantic connection. Too many people are very quick to write people off without giving someone a fair chance. The reason I didn't do it for this guy has to do with him living 3 hours away from me. I would feel so guilty if he spent his money and invested his time to fill up his car with gas and make the extra effort of driving the distance to see me over and over again, three times, only to have me reject him eventually which I know will happen. I really do like him as a person, I admire him even, I just don't see it happening romantically. If he lived locally here in San Diego then I wouldn't feel as though he had to invest as much in me if I gave him a 3 date minimum but a 3 hour drive from Yuma, AZ to San Diego, that's too much. I would only have a guy do this for me if I was really interested in him romantically because then I would really put an effort into making it worth it for him.
 
Since you say most of the time you only like the guys you meet platonically, may I ask what it is they are missing which seems to deter your further interest?
 
The honesty would have been appreciated, it removes false hope, but it also implies you think him a decent person who can take rejection without turning nasty. Avoidance or lame excuses to break off contact hurt a lot more than someone being straight.
 

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