stuck again in loneliness, need ideas

Hello everyone, I really need some suggestions because I again put myself in a difficult situation.
As some of you can recall, I have to deal with a disability which means that I have less time of activity than most people in a day (say, 7 to 8 instead of 12 to 14, and zero on bad days), and I don't have friends who would come visit me to watch a movie or a partner, so my life is pretty miserable.
Now I got this job, that doesn't involve 9 to 5 work and requires only a couple of days a week of presence, but still the contract is for 4 days a week 8 x 4 = 32, and when I go to the office say from 11 to 18 I have to stay in bed the day after, sometimes I am able to work but sometimes I am not, which means 2 days at work, one or two days in bed, plus one or two days work from home, total of 5 to 6 days alone because at work you don't really make close friends, at least in my line of work, hasn't happened in many years and is not going to happen now.

My illness is such that I will never get benefits, unless I get another illness on top of the first which I really hope won't happen, and I don't have a rich family to support me indefinitely without working, but again I am falling into the deepest depression because I am so much alone and without energy to meet anyone.
It is nice to be able, in spite of being so ill, to do things and get jobs and a little recognition and feel like contributing to society, but that is not enough to contrast the depression that rises as soon as I spend many days completely alone (lately I tried to meet people almost every day because the depression was so bad that I was scared something bad would happen).

Now I feel that if I go on with this life either I will get worse depression and one day kill myself even if I don't really want to, either I will just get cancer or something because I am so unhappy.
But, again, a job with people with flexible hours is basically impossible to find, and I must work to live - but is this life?

I would like to know your thoughts about this situation, I know that for many the experience of disability is out of their world, but maybe you have some ideas anyway. I am doing my best to get better and have more energy, but I don't know if that is ever going to happen.

I have a disease that I believe will eventually make it hard to work and require long rest periods in between. I've lost most motivation but still seem to function almost normally. I'm trying to figure out how to live in the now. I'm trying to experience the most simple things like breathing or just the feel of my own skin. I also feel like, "Is this life?"

It certainly is a matter of perspective. I have ideas and I attempt to change my perspective but it's hard. I know it's partially chemical but still I feel like there is something I can do. To never be happy is a hard pill to swallow. To just exist is synonymous with not existing but somehow harder.

Can you feel the air fill your lungs? Can you breathe in deeper and exhale slowly? Is there any pleasure in the fundamentals? To oxygenate the organs; to be able to feed yourself life sustaining oxygen....is there pleasure in that?

Peaches, I absolutely wish I was right there, so I could just come around and keep you company now and then or help you out.

I'm not sure what I can say really since I'm not really feeling so great myself but seeing you like this saddens me.

Please don't resort to harming yourself, ever. I will be so mad.

I don't know what could help in your situation that you haven't tried, doing things that you don't normally do so that it's not the same mundane routine all the time which could likely bring you down as well. What about finding meet up groups around where you are?

Hugs, Peaches.

I am so sorry that you're going through all this. Life is tough enough already but if its not condescending of me to say so, I think you should be very proud of yourself for trying hard to remain positive despite all these challenges. Its easy to spiral into depression, so working against that takes mega amounts of determination.

I really don't know what could help you, because time is a factor. Hmm...I wonder if you might have an hour or two in a week to do some voluntary work? It helped me a lot. And I know some people who can't leave their homes due to health problems, but who volunteer to run admin stuff from home without ever visiting a shelter. They still contribute so much to the cause even if they're not there physically. Might that make you feel better?

When I was sick and bedridden, I used to make friendship bracelets. I gave them away back then, but recently I sold them at a charity fundraiser. On those days when you're in bed, or at home, might you be interested to make something not too time consuming or tiring and perhaps make some money from, or sell the items for charity? You can sell things on Etsy, lots of people do that.

Not sure if this helped, but I really hope you feel better soon!

Peaches, please don't do anything to hurt yourself. Your sensitive and empathic responses to threads, both mine and to those of others, shows how special a person you are.
Maybe finding meet up groups near by would be a solution as Ladyforsaken has suggested.
Also, I don't know which country you live in, but maybe there is some sort of befriending organisation you could contact who would send out a volunteer befriender to spend a couple of hours a week with you at home.

ladyforsaken said:

Peaches, I absolutely wish I was right there, so I could just come around and keep you company now and then or help you out.

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This was my first thought too.

Have you tried the ALL chat room? I don't really get chance to go there anymore, but it can be a fun place and you get to chat with people - and best of all you don't actually have to go anywhere!

I know it's not ideal, but it's something.

I'm sure you could also try PM'ing people here, I'd be happy to get PM's and write back and I'm sure others would too.

Hugs.

Thank you Jamesbrewer, Lady, Veruca, Tiina, and Edward, some of you know how it is to manage a depression, at the moment I have to deal with this that is closely related to the loneliness, the key word being "manage" because if I take steps before it gets too bad and I "lose it" then everything will be ok. Sorry if I used too strong expressions and worried you, I use them also to scare myself and take those preventive steps, because I know that if I get in too deep THEN it gets really dangerous.
Edward, I did use the chat room as much as possible, is not very active thanks anyway Haven't seen you for a while, are you recently back in the forum?

Tiina, I would give an arm for the befriending organization, definitely looking for it, and it would be nice also to do some visits myself have you ever seen something like that in the UK?

Lady, sometimes it almost feels that you are around

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jamesbrewer said:

I have a disease that I believe will eventually make it hard to work and require long rest periods in between. I've lost most motivation but still seem to function almost normally. I'm trying to figure out how to live in the now. I'm trying to experience the most simple things like breathing or just the feel of my own skin. I also feel like, "Is this life?"

It certainly is a matter of perspective. I have ideas and I attempt to change my perspective but it's hard. I know it's partially chemical but still I feel like there is something I can do. To never be happy is a hard pill to swallow. To just exist is synonymous with not existing but somehow harder.

Can you feel the air fill your lungs? Can you breathe in deeper and exhale slowly? Is there any pleasure in the fundamentals? To oxygenate the organs; to be able to feed yourself life sustaining oxygen....is there pleasure in that?

Click to expand...

Sorry to hear about your similar path, I did the same years ago, to live in the now, it almost worked as long as I was living in the beautiful countryside, now I don't get that much pleasure by breathing only, too much ambition I agree that changing perspective is important, but also sometimes there are small things that one can change, and I really cannot think that illness = never be happy, I mean, it really depends from what one needs to be happy, but even some (some) people who are severely disabled have almost decent lives with love and affection and physical care and safety. But, yeah, it depends on readapting expectations, it's easier said than done. If you want to have a chat about this, I'd love to.

Peaches said:

Lady, sometimes it almost feels that you are around

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*hugs*

Hello Peaches, I know that Age UK has a befriending scheme for people of all ages who have difficulties. They will send the co-ordinater out to see you and to talk about your problems and then will try to match you up. I had a befriender for some months, though to be honest it turned out to be not a good match. Plenty of people do benefit from the scheme however, and you might be matched with someone who clicks with your personality and needs.

It's great to read that after all that you have to go through Peaches that you haven't given up. I admire that as you provide me with more encouragement not to give up myself. Don't resort to harming yourself either because you have a lot to offer and I'm not the only one that thinks so.

Stay strong.

Do they have some sort of medical marijuana program in Europe? I know you want company not weed, but it might at least help when you're feeling bad enough to hurt yourself, and it might help you loosen up when you try to meet people (if that's a problem for you.) You don't have to smoke it, I'm pretty sure you can bake with it or buy prepared food and other products like chapstick with THC in it.


And if you really want to be with someone, and you haven't had much luck with normal means, maybe try some sort of dating site that sort of cuts to the chase? (If you know what I mean.)

If you've got a place and a job you basically can't fail, and I'm sure you could find someone willing to work around your disability to be with you when you have some free time. And I'm sure they'd be up for other stuff too like watching movies together and stuff.

Not trying to offend you or something, just saying.

Oh no Peaches! I am sorry you feel this way. It's nice to know you do have a job that is flexible to your needs though.

I went through a time period, and am kinda still in it, where all I did was go to work, go home, go to bed, go to work, go home, go to bed, etc. It is awful and kinda lonely. Talking to people on here really helped me. So many people care, and I love it.

I would visit you if I could!

Something that keeps me going are my animals. Is your disability one where you could get an therapy dog? I know they help people in all sorts of situation. Mine helped me with social anxiety in high school, and when I have panic attacks now. And, I gotta get up in the morning to feed them.