Hello - a long story

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

PeteBerger

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 12, 2014
Messages
60
Reaction score
0
Location
Greater Manchester - United Kingdom
I warn you, it will be a long ride! Probably the story of my life, or at least
how I think I got to the place where I am now. So where should I start?

When I started to write this I was in bed at 4:47am, couldn't get to sleep.
Yesterday evening the feeling of loneliness took over on me, again. When
I'm in that state I'm usually trying to find someone to talk to, where else I
ended up again if not on Omegle. Another hours spent with pointless
conversations, in a hope I'll meet someone who understands me, who I
could connect with etc.

Then I felt too tired to come up here (alonelylife.com), instead of that I
went to bed, where I thought over what I would write about myself, which
brought me to think over my life again, where it went wrong and all the
bad memories etc. I felt a little bit better, I thought something like great 'I
talked it out of myself...' - oh wait - if only it wasn't only in my mind, lol,
nobody heard it but me, for the hundredth times at least. So here I'm now
in bed and typing my introductory message for you out there.

It all goes back to elementary school. The first year I attended
three different schools due to my family's re-locations. So I was the new
boy in a small town, which made me feel awkward, an outsider. As I was
growing older, I started to have a feeling I'm somehow still different. I
didn't know I was gay, but something was in the air. To make it more
awkward for me some girls were racing with each other to decide who will
get me as a boyfriend! Thanks God it was still at elementary school, so
nothing serious was going on. But around the end of the school years it
started to become a real struggle for me, because I just wasn't the same
as the average popular kids. I wasn't into smoking, drinking, partying and
thinking about getting a girlfriend/boyfriend all the time. Though I was still
hanging out with these type of kids, so I started early to learn how to fake
my reactions, to show a different personality to the outside.

Then before high school has started I realized I'm gay, but I couldn't come
out with it, I just couldn't. So I thought this is it, I'm gay, but I just can't
live with it, so I won't have a relationship ever. What made me more
miserable is that people usually can't tell I'm gay. I don't look or talk in a
feminine way, so I guess people always assume I'm 'one of them' so to say
a straight guy. I always thought that gays, who look or talk in a 'gay' way
are having an easier way of life, as even if they don't say, most people
can probably just assume they are gay. Or maybe it is just me
over-analyzing things again, I don't know.

As I went to high school into a different town, I was trying to get rid of all
my friends known from elementary school. I'm not sure I was aware of
what I have been doing in that time, so whether I was trying to 'run away'
from everyone consciously or unconsciously. Then first year in high
school was great, I have made loads of new friends and things were
looking up.

However at high school people are tend to bully, abuse the weak ones, the
ugly ones, the ones who are acting more childish rather than a grown up
way etc. I wasn't among the main targets at all, but some people
occasionally found me, one girl questioned me if I was gay (because I wore
a narrow leg trousers that day - wtf?), other time a girl went through my
phone and asked me if a friend of mine was actually my boyfriend because
of the messages in my phone were ambiguous (by the way he was a
genuine straight guy and we were just friends). So there were only small
confrontations still I was feeling it was getting too much for me.

Also smoking, drinking, partying, hooking up were the popular kids' free
time entertainments, and though I was hanging out again with this crowd
I wasn't into these things. I never went to parties I was invited to, I
couldn't be bragging about how drunk I got, what drug I tried out etc so a
wall, a distance started to build up between us. Also I couldn't be friends
with the unpopular guys and girls because then the popular ones would
have turn against me and also the unpopular ones probably thought from
day one I am the usual self centered, careless idiot who looks down on
them.

Although I had made some real good friends who weren't into those ' nasty
things' either, as a gay guy these friends were mostly girls (I think gays
generally find friend materials in girls or among other gay guys, there are
exceptions of course) and they sometimes were keeping a bit of a distance
as they probably thought I might have other intentions than being only a
genuine friend. But I just couldn't come out from the closet, I wasn't
strong enough. So sometimes I had to lie about things, I had to fake my
feelings or opinions in order to keep up with my straight guy image.

Then my first summer vacation turned my world upside down. I started to
chat with gay guys on the internet and my first bf was a real good player,
he lured me straight into his arms as a 15 year old newbie to this world.
He lied about his age and everything, but I thought I was in love, so
nothing mattered, I couldn't think or see straight. :) He was from a big
city, so as the second school year started I had an 'easy way out card' in
my hands, again. I decided to go into a school in my bf's town, far away
from where my family and my previous schools were.

A private school for adults, so in a class students could be from 16 to 100
years old for that matter. I was among the youngest. You didn't have to
attended all classes, if you felt like staying home, you could do it. So in a
class with like 40 students there were usually around 10-20 people actually
in for a school day. Oh and the classes started in the afternoon. :) Of
course you had to get exams done and achieve good marks, but without
wanting to sound too cocky I was always a smart kid, I didn't need to
spend an awful lot of time learning and being present at all classes in order
to achieve good grades.

Anyway people weren't acting like a child in this new school anymore, they
weren't bullying anyone, most people were grown ups, with family and
friends on their own. I did make some friends here too, but more like
acquaintances, these friendships weren't working outside of the school.
Some of my "old" friends (from my first high school and from my home
town) were trying to stay in touch with me, catch up with me from time to
tome, but I tended to ignore them, making excuses as it was easier for me
just to be with my bf and at my new school. I was getting from one
relationship to another.

I thought I'm free, but actually I was only free from the burden of feeling
that I need to come clean, that I need to come out and be with the people
I deep down in my heart really wanted to. I was also getting more distant
from close and extended family,too, as I couldn't tell them about my bfs
and anything involving my 'gay side', so I tried to avoid them. In the past I
really enjoyed their company, visiting them, spending time with them, but
as I 'got gay', moved town it has all changed. In this time also my family
has fallen apart, my parents got divorced, moved apart and it made me
more miserable, too.

At the age of 16 I came out to my mum. It was one of the hardest thing I
have ever had to done in my life. We spent a whole day together of
shopping, hanging out in the city etc, and I just couldn't tell her! On our
way home, when only a few minutes drive left to get home I finally told
her. Her first words were something like 'So I won't have any
grandchildren?' (which is funny because if I'll have the money when I get
there I do want to have kids with surrogacy) - but never mind when she
said that it wasn't the best thing to hear.

She also said that nothing changes, I'm still his son and she still loves me,
but we should keep this thing between us as with the divorce and
everything it wouldn't be a good time to announce this to my father and
my sister is too young for this. I agreed to it. Well this pact is still intact!
We still lie to everyone, we still making up cover stories to people we know
of. And I'm 25 years old for Christ's sake. I live in a different country now,
but still no one knows I'm gay!

No family, no friends (oh wait, if only one friend left from my school years)
so not my only friend knows about it. Though I have made some gay
friends over the years, they are now live thousand miles away from where I
currently live. After high school I didn't know what I want to do with my
life, so went to uni, but didn't like it. Figured out a year later what I really
want to learn, but my applications failed two following years. Then I
started another course, which I didn't like again. Then out of the blue
(they fished out my CV from a database, I uploaded it like a year ago when
I was looking for student jobs) I got a job offer - my 'get away as far as I
can get golden card' - again!

In two weeks time I left behind everyone and everything, new country,
new people, new life - or I thought so. I was told I will start with another
new guy, so I might should get in touch with him. So they gave him my
details, we met, then we went to our first day at our new workplace
together. He was an obnoxious, self centered, know it all, straight (sorry,
but it does make a sense in my story I think) guy and in days it turned out
he was homophobic, too. In that moment I decided not come out at my
new place either. People are no different than home. As he was the only
people I knew then, vice versa me for him, he was trying really hard to be
my best friend but I was trying to keep my distance as much as I just
could (because he was a homophobic prick).

As time went on I have made some friends at work and you just don't tell
people out of the blue you are gay, do you? Nobody never asked me what
my sexual preference was, but guys started to telling me about 'how good
that girl looks', 'how much they would f*ck this one', 'what an ugly count
is that one' etc. and I started to realize I screwed it up again, I should
have come forward at the beginning, no matter what. At the point I
thought it is just too late for me, and if I would come out now, it would go
through the whole workplace as the juiciest gossip of the
week/month/year you name it. So I went on with my fake smiles, fake
interests, being one of the general mass of people.

Also you can't imagine how sh*t it makes me feel, that everywhere I ever
was involved one way or another I was the only gay guy! Why I am the
one who needs to break the ice? Why I need to fight alone to get
accepted? What I mean is that in my family, among any relatives,
acquaintances, friends at school, at work anywhere I am surrounded with
people I know of why I am the only gay??? Why I need to be the one
labelled as 'the gay guy'? I always thought if there would be at least one
another gay guy it would make my coming out much easier. Also maybe a
good friend, who understands me! But I never knew any other person who
was gay. Or if there was any he/she was doing hell of a job hiding it.

Though I must add I have a very good 'gaydar' so I can usually tell 90%
sure if a person is gay or not. Just by his/her look, body language, voice
etc. Most of the time even a short eye contact can tell you if the other
person is gay or not. Anyway I've always felt I am alone, I never met
another gay person by my daily life, only the girls and guys I met online.
Back to work, after years come and go I made some real good friends, but
the wall between us seemed to get higher and higher because they were
mostly girls and they always kept a bit of a distance, most of them had
boyfriends so we never could go forward being bffs. I felt it is too late to
come out and tell them I'm gay because I knew they couldn't keep it to
themselves only and everyone would get to know it at work.

We are talking about hundreds of people there. I could not imagine all of
them knowing I am gay, because I knew/assumed it would make me a
great target for them. (even at work most of the people are bullies and
they find great enjoyment in humiliating and speak disgusting things behind
other colleagues' backs , colleagues who are not that strong, those who
show any sign of weakness etc. are always targeted. Also every boss of
ours are taken into pieces behind their backs).

I think at the end of the day what is keeping me from coming out is I know
some people would look to me differently, maybe it would be to my benefit
as whose really like me would stick with me, and whose are homophobic
and not interesting in getting to know/accept you as another human being
would stay away - it could be good. Yet I still don't know how should I tell
people I am gay. It is not something I can write onto my forehead. And I
don't know if I meet someone new, when would be the good time to tell
something like this.

Anyway after a few years at my first workplace I finally quit, moved town,
left behind everyone I know of - again. Btw I did not like my job, but the
few friends I had there made me last all those years. I do have a bf now,
but that can't replace the need of friends. When I was young and naive I
might felt it could, but now I think a person could be better of with some
real life friends than with a partner for life. Don't misunderstand me, both
are equally important, but I think you can get into a darker place without
friends.

Sorry if I was too long. To sum it up, I quit my job a few months ago and
moved town again, now living with my partner (who is btw a loner, too)
and just feeling completely alone. No family, no friends, nothing but my
partner is around me. My emotional well being is a complete rollercoaster
one day I'm feeling good, the next day I'm depressed and eating up myself
thinking about my past and not knowing how to move forward. So I'm
stuck at present and feeling lonely.

A few weeks ago I had something similar to a nervous breakdown, I think
actually that was the day I registered here! I had a really bad day,
everything went wrong, I felt lost and when I got home I realized there is
no one to tell to how sh*t I feel! I don't live in a fairytale like in TV shows
such as Friends, Desperate Housewives, The Bing Bang Theory etc. you
name it, I don't have a circle of friends, I don't have anyone to call if I feel
sh*t, I can't go to have a coffee with, to go out to watch a movie etc.
Though I sometimes allow myself the luxury to think about how cool it
was/how cool it would be to have a circle of friends or to say the least to
have some friends or a BFF.

I miss interaction with people, people to spend some time with. I keep in
touch with my mum and the handful of friends from mainland Europe where
I'm from but that can't replace real life/live friends ever. I hope someone
can understand me, the way I feel...

I've learnt to live like this and to keep swiping any bad feelings under the
carpet, but sometimes like yesterday evening it breaks out on me and that
can really pull me down. But then I tend to end up on Omegle or just feel
sorry for myself, then on the next day it's back under the carpet I can live
my life like there is nothing wrong with it and it can go on for days/weeks
or maybe months before I 'get under the weather' again...

I hope and believe one day all this will change for the better.
 
Hi and welcome!

One tip, add some line spaces to break up your intro. I found it quite hard reading through as a huge block.

I agree, you can have a partner, but it's nice to have other friends to talk to as well.
 
Edward W said:
Hi and welcome!

One tip, add some line spaces to break up your intro. I found it quite hard reading through as a huge block.

I agree, you can have a partner, but it's nice to have other friends to talk to as well.

Oh, sorry about that. It looked much better in Word. Is it any better now?
 
Hi there! Great story. I have a huge amount of respect for you. Way to be yourself and not give into your peers in your younger days. Hopefully you can find friends from one here. I did and this site has helped me. I only moved 3 hours away from home, but that is still far, and I got rather lonely because I had no friends or family here. Welcome!
 
Welcome dude!

It has to be said, it is amazing how many Gay people are afraid of coming out and saying it, and the irony is, by being afraid, when you do come out that's what makes you a target for bullying - since people can see how uncomfortable you are, whereas if you come out confidently with a kind of "I'm gay, get over it" then no one can possibly bully you for it, I mean they can try but if you're showing confidence and happiness with it then they'll stop quite quickly.

Most of us straight folk don't care whom you love, whether it be male or female or both, its up to you, just be confident with it. I am not saying flaunt it at people however, as people don't want that, but its nothing to hide or be ashamed of. I had a gay friend who did flaunt it at me, and it was annoying.
If you tell someone you love men and they back away from you with a pitchfork, well then you know that's someone you don't wanna be friends with.
Humanity is the only species that complicates this stuff, you get homosexuality in other animal species all over the world, yet we have a stigma about it.


I also will suggest that lying to your family is a bad idea, you're 25, tell them! Are you ashamed of being gay ? If you are then don't be, if you're not then why are you hiding it from family ?
 
It sounds like you are going through a hell of a lot PeteBerger. (you have my respect) It's hard to imagine what you're going through. I definitely couldn't deal with all that going on and it's unfortunate that you haven't got a support network, however we're here for you.

I didn't read all of your story, but I read most of it. Feel free to PM me if you wish. I hope that you can remain strong and that one day you'll be able to come out with confidence. Welcome to the forum.
 
Nicolelt said:
Hi there! Great story. I have a huge amount of respect for you. Way to be yourself and not give into your peers in your younger days. Hopefully you can find friends from one here. I did and this site has helped me. I only moved 3 hours away from home, but that is still far, and I got rather lonely because I had no friends or family here. Welcome!

Thank you for the warm welcome. :) I guess then you can really understand
how I feel about that part. Because to relocate and to doesn't have any
friends and family around has nothing to do with being gay. I mean my post
might be seem all about 'being gay - my life is ruined' or something, but that
is just one part of the story.


zibafu said:
Welcome dude!

It has to be said, it is amazing how many Gay people are afraid of coming out and saying it, and the irony is, by being afraid, when you do come out that's what makes you a target for bullying - since people can see how uncomfortable you are, whereas if you come out confidently with a kind of "I'm gay, get over it" then no one can possibly bully you for it, I mean they can try but if you're showing confidence and happiness with it then they'll stop quite quickly.

Most of us straight folk don't care whom you love, whether it be male or female or both, its up to you, just be confident with it. I am not saying flaunt it at people however, as people don't want that, but its nothing to hide or be ashamed of. I had a gay friend who did flaunt it at me, and it was annoying.
If you tell someone you love men and they back away from you with a pitchfork, well then you know that's someone you don't wanna be friends with.
Humanity is the only species that complicates this stuff, you get homosexuality in other animal species all over the world, yet we have a stigma about it.


I also will suggest that lying to your family is a bad idea, you're 25, tell them! Are you ashamed of being gay ? If you are then don't be, if you're not then why are you hiding it from family ?

Thanks for the welcome.

What you are saying sounds like a bit of a contradiction to me. First you
say I should be out with much of a confidence, showing happiness and all
then you say don't flaunt it at people? How can you decide where is the
line between the two? You also said you had a gay friend who flaunt it at
you and you were annoyed. Now that you have said that and we'd meet it
would make me feel real awkward to tell you anything 'gay', because
wouldn't want to annoy you.

Another thing is when I hear some people talk about gays in a
disrespected, looked down way or making disgusting jokes about them,
doesn't really encourage me to tell them to stop it - and say - believe it or
not I'm gay and I find it fu*king insulting...? Many people doesn't know any
gays and they must think we live in flocks or something because they
never seem to consider someone might get offended by their behavior.

About why I can't come clean to my family. I just don't feel the confidence
to tell. Also don't know how to. As I said when I came out to my mum it
wasn't easy at all. I felt terrible. And from that point on I guess I always
was waiting for someone (maybe her) to help me with it, to take my hands
and say let's do it or something. I don't know. Wanted to tell many times
to some people but never could make myself to say it out to them actually.
I feel extremely weak when it comes to that.


Hearmenow2012 said:
It sounds like you are going through a hell of a lot PeteBerger. (you have my respect) It's hard to imagine what you're going through. I definitely couldn't deal with all that going on and it's unfortunate that you haven't got a support network, however we're here for you.

I didn't read all of your story, but I read most of it. Feel free to PM me if you wish. I hope that you can remain strong and that one day you'll be able to come out with confidence. Welcome to the forum.

Thank you. :)
 
PeteBerger said:
Thanks for the welcome.

What you are saying sounds like a bit of a contradiction to me. First you
say I should be out with much of a confidence, showing happiness and all
then you say don't flaunt it at people? How can you decide where is the
line between the two? You also said you had a gay friend who flaunt it at
you and you were annoyed. Now that you have said that and we'd meet it
would make me feel real awkward to tell you anything 'gay', because
wouldn't want to annoy you.

Another thing is when I hear some people talk about gays in a
disrespected, looked down way or making disgusting jokes about them,
doesn't really encourage me to tell them to stop it - and say - believe it or
not I'm gay and I find it fu*king insulting...? Many people doesn't know any
gays and they must think we live in flocks or something because they
never seem to consider someone might get offended by their behavior.

About why I can't come clean to my family. I just don't feel the confidence
to tell. Also don't know how to. As I said when I came out to my mum it
wasn't easy at all. I felt terrible. And from that point on I guess I always
was waiting for someone (maybe her) to help me with it, to take my hands
and say let's do it or something. I don't know. Wanted to tell many times
to some people but never could make myself to say it out to them actually.
I feel extremely weak when it comes to that.

I'll try to clarify :)

Yes, be confident, so that when someone asks you, you don't look at your feet ashamed of who you are, you are who you are, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of it.

The two guys I knew recently who were gay, I met them playing a video game online, so we started gaming together, couple of guys that seemed really decent people. We started telling each other little things about ourselves so we could get to know each other better, I tell them I skate and make videos of it, so naturally they wanna see, 5 minutes later from one of them I am getting - you're sexy, why are you straight, oh you play guitar too, that's hot, I'd do this and that if you were gay. They found out I do martial arts and it then turned into - "martial artists are all lean functional muscly guys, that's hot, so why aren't you gay ?" From the one guy.


Now I have no problem at all with anyone's sexuality whom you love is your business not mine and I dislike it being labelled as gay/lesbian/straight, why do we need to label everything ? I just see a difference between telling someone your sexuality, and then throwing it in your face, that's what I meant by "flaunting it" Hell, I don't even like it when I get random female customers at work. commenting on my muscles or stuff like that. Makes me feel like a piece of meat somehow. I'm straight, but whilst I will check out women like any straight guy, I would never make comments to someone I barely know.

I hope that clears it up a little :D
 
zibafu said:
PeteBerger said:
Thanks for the welcome.

What you are saying sounds like a bit of a contradiction to me. First you
say I should be out with much of a confidence, showing happiness and all
then you say don't flaunt it at people? How can you decide where is the
line between the two? You also said you had a gay friend who flaunt it at
you and you were annoyed. Now that you have said that and we'd meet it
would make me feel real awkward to tell you anything 'gay', because
wouldn't want to annoy you.

Another thing is when I hear some people talk about gays in a
disrespected, looked down way or making disgusting jokes about them,
doesn't really encourage me to tell them to stop it - and say - believe it or
not I'm gay and I find it fu*king insulting...? Many people doesn't know any
gays and they must think we live in flocks or something because they
never seem to consider someone might get offended by their behavior.

About why I can't come clean to my family. I just don't feel the confidence
to tell. Also don't know how to. As I said when I came out to my mum it
wasn't easy at all. I felt terrible. And from that point on I guess I always
was waiting for someone (maybe her) to help me with it, to take my hands
and say let's do it or something. I don't know. Wanted to tell many times
to some people but never could make myself to say it out to them actually.
I feel extremely weak when it comes to that.

I'll try to clarify :)

Yes, be confident, so that when someone asks you, you don't look at your feet ashamed of who you are, you are who you are, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of it.

The two guys I knew recently who were gay, I met them playing a video game online, so we started gaming together, couple of guys that seemed really decent people. We started telling each other little things about ourselves so we could get to know each other better, I tell them I skate and make videos of it, so naturally they wanna see, 5 minutes later from one of them I am getting - you're sexy, why are you straight, oh you play guitar too, that's hot, I'd do this and that if you were gay. They found out I do martial arts and it then turned into - "martial artists are all lean functional muscly guys, that's hot, so why aren't you gay ?" From the one guy.


Now I have no problem at all with anyone's sexuality whom you love is your business not mine and I dislike it being labelled as gay/lesbian/straight, why do we need to label everything ? I just see a difference between telling someone your sexuality, and then throwing it in your face, that's what I meant by "flaunting it" Hell, I don't even like it when I get random female customers at work. commenting on my muscles or stuff like that. Makes me feel like a piece of meat somehow. I'm straight, but whilst I will check out women like any straight guy, I would never make comments to someone I barely know.

I hope that clears it up a little :D

Yes, it did. Thanks.
 
I'll amend that actually, I mean more explicit comments, being told you're handsome or pretty is no big deal, since its purely a positive thing, being pleasant, but giving someone a "you're hot, I definitely would give you one" kinda sentiment in your compliments , is what I mean.
 
It is I think very difficult for a straight person to truly understand what it might feel like to come out of the closet. Indeed, to understand what it must feel like to believe that you have to hide parts of who you are for fear of ridicule, hatred or discrimination.

All I can say is that I have a number of gay friends, (male and female) and the ones who were totally out always seemed happier, to me. Not that everything in their lives has been a bowl of cherries, but just - more comfortable in their own skins, is what I would say.

I hope that you can find this out for yourself, whenever you feel the time is right for you.:)
 
Hey Peter and hello everyone else :)

We been thru situations where we are judged negatively because of our differences be it in appearance, opinions, sexuality, etc. It is a normal human reaction for one to view a person and to analyse a person by what makes them different from them. Unfortunately there is a minority where they not only note the differences but show out right ill informed conclusions.

By the sounds of it, you are hesitate to get to know other people or reacquaint yourself with your friends and family because you have been burnt in the past and I'm really sorry to hear that Peter. This self imposed isolation though can be actually benefit you for short term to allow you to recharge your batteries but the longer you do it, the harder it can be to reintegrate yourself with your beloved.

Peter, I will be a party pooper and say this; unfortunately there will be people out there who will always discriminate against you because you are Gay, but remember the only opinion you should worry about is not theirs, but your own. Let them scream and shout hot air but remember the fools don't realise they are the ones missing out on a great friendship.

I came across this forum (thanks to you) and I read your story, and coming on here and seeing these wonderful people who are here to help you is the first step. Identifying the need to over come this steep hill is the first step and congratulations :) you have done just that Peter.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top