Anyone have a toxic family? *rant8

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

LadyDaria

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 17, 2014
Messages
153
Reaction score
0
All I have left of my immediate family is my brother. And the non immediate family, cousins etc. Any every single one of them is bad for me.

My brother is the worst. As a child he is probably the biggest reason for any self esteem issues. But as an adult we all decided that we should be friends for the sakes of the families... but, I just can't stand it any longer. He is just so useless as a brother. He does nothing for me. Nothing. So I don't see the point of him. In March I moved into a new place and not only didn't he help me move, but I had to nag him to see the place. When he arrived I was with a contractor and he acted like I should drop everything and talk to him. He should have just waited.

We share a home we are landlords of. This is my entire inheritance. But until we sell it, it is always at risk. I have been hinting I want to sell but he won't. For one reason..he has junk car in the garage. That he is too lazy to move. But last night the renter's called to say the heater wasn't working. He says "you want to go over there?" Um -- what? When did I get my heater degree. No I don't know anything about heaters. It is so typical. You didn't want to sell, YOU go over there. Another reason I want to sell is that house is the only thing tying me to him and I want that cord cut.

He has a son who is a good kid but, I don't think i am ever going to be close with. I always envisioned that I would have a relationship with his kid but I never envisioned how my brother would poison any kids perception of me. First, my brother has never allowed me to be alone with him. Take him anyplace... second, I am pretty sure he has poisoned his son with lies about me (supported by the fact he won't let his son alone with me) Third, he is turning a good kid into a little nut like him. He teaches his son to be a nut, playing video games all the time, doing dangerous things, being rude.

Whenever we go or do anything it is always on His terms. He controls the show. 100%. Every x-mas I am allowed over there (mostly for presents) but it is his food, his time, his friends. Last x-mas he invited some people over -- his friends -- and I stole the show, the woman actually saying she didn't know I was so funny. And suddenly, they (and I) have to go. I have asked a few times if his son wanted to go to an event where I work (were I would have friends and influence) and he never responds.

I mean shouldn't a sibling relationship be a give and take? I don't see what he ads to my life at all.

So another source of tension is that he thinks I should be friendly with my cousins. And I really try. But unfortunately for me... they are all undesirable people. I am sorry I have tried. I have a 5 cousin family and they are all quasi criminals or scammers. What is amazing is that they don't even get what embarrassments they are... but even if I could get past that... what would we have to talk about? What is amazing is that also, they don't see what freaks they are. And, like my brother, seem to think when they say, jump I should say "how high?"

The worst part is that I try in every-way to divorce these people from my life. They invite me to things... I say no... I don't tell them where I live.. but, they just keep trying. Getting my e-mail from my brother -- facebook friending me (even when I decline several times) basically what I find missing from them is mostly concern about me. They want to e-mail me because they want someone to go to a concert with, they want to facebook friend me because they want more friends.

I just wish I had a normal supportive family. If I can get my brother to sell the house I think I will leave the area. I think that is the problem. They are in the area and that is what keeps them all interested in using me.

It is just so depressing to have a family of people that don't really care about you and or, or not people worth caring about. Anyone relate?
 
Hey Lady Daria, I somewhat can, but not to that extent. I'm sorry your brother is so unreasonable. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are sensible.

My mom and dad divorced when I was 18 and ever since then my parents were more like annoying roommates. My mom kicked me out of my house when I was 17, because I would not groom her dog. I swear, that's the reason, we literally got in a physical fight from it. My dad was really toxic at this time because he was so lonely and going on dates and not meeting someone like he thought he would, it was bringing me down as well.

It got a little better when I moved to college, but my mom actually deleted me completely out of her life at one time because I disagreed with her on the subject of my sister. It's really hard when your parents do that too you, because even as rotten as your parents are, you naturally want them in your life. My dad also quit talking to me at one point (which was my fault) because I was dating a guy he didn't approve of.

Now that I am out of college, and paying for my own things and living my things, they aren't as bad. I have times when I get lonely where I live, because I live pretty far and I think, maybe I should move back home. And then I get a call from Dad because he broke up with his girlfriend, or mom calls because she isn't going to talk to grandma anymore, and I think, why put myself back there when I would get tied up in all of that? Maybe I am better off alone over here.

I hope it gets better for you too! I sucks sometimes we can't pick our family.
 
Nicolelt said:
It's really hard when your parents do that too you, because even as rotten as your parents are, you naturally want them in your life.


It is the thing that is so tough... I want to have them in my life but they want to make that as hard as possible. I am sorry about your parents. Though at least my parents seemed to understand caring about me. Something the rest of the "brood" doesn't seem to get. I happen to live in a townhome community and two of my neighbors are sisters... they have different townhomes. One in 6 the other in 14. That is what family is like-- they get excited about living in the same place as each other... they visit, they shop together... not me.

I think things do get better as you don't live with each other but still I am starting to feel like I have to leave the area just to get some relief.
 
I can relate, in regards to siblings. I love my mother, and my grandmother and feel they love me back. They support me how and whenever they can, but I don't ask for much anymore. I never knew a father. My biological dad died before I could remember him and a distant step-father was present for a few years before disappearing. Left my mother three kids and then split about 9 years ago. What a piece, right?

Two of these kids are my younger brothers. I have no love for them at all. The next part may sound horrible but I actually kind of hate them both. They're just trouble. They're loud, they're obnoxious. They're inconsiderate when it comes things big AND small. They're always getting suspended from school, picked up by the cops or running around with wannabe gangbangers. They come home high, or drunk, steal things from their own house, are very disrespectful to my mother, who is constantly fighting with them, they're just generally horrible. And they look down on me. I mean, these two lazy, worthless criminals look down on me because I'm not cool enough to steal, smoke weed and run around with other criminals every day.

The lack of a father is I guess what did it. I feel like, as the oldest, I should've stepped up a bit more when their father left but I was a kid myself. And heck, I feel like I turned out alright. Really depressed and bitter and lonely, but not criminal. So what is their excuse exactly? The older one will attempt to strike up conversation that I go along with. But there's nothing there on my part, anymore. It sounds horrible but all I have left for my brothers is animosity at this point. I'm leaving the house soon. As it is, I'm the only one who really cares about my mother's health and sanity and I help out whenever I can. I don't want to leave her alone with those two AND my little sister.

If they were to be killed by their lifestyles, or end up in prison, it would hurt my mother deeply. But, in the grand scheme of things, it would be best for our family and her health. Is that harsh? Granted but if ever two kids were lost causes...
 
A good chunk of my family is toxic. They consider me to be the black sheep of the family, which is funny because they are all so evil.
 
Maybe this is just letting off steam, but you seem highly critical of others.

all undesirable people... not worth caring about... add nothing to my life...that might be partly true, but still, kind of harsh.
 
LadyDaria said:
We share a home we are landlords of. This is my entire inheritance. But until we sell it, it is always at risk. I have been hinting I want to sell but he won't. For one reason..he has junk car in the garage. That he is too lazy to move. But last night the renter's called to say the heater wasn't working. He says "you want to go over there?" Um -- what? When did I get my heater degree. No I don't know anything about heaters. It is so typical. You didn't want to sell, YOU go over there. Another reason I want to sell is that house is the only thing tying me to him and I want that cord cut.

Can you not sell your half? I could swear I've heard of that being done somewhere before... mighta been on tv. That'd pretty much fix it though if it was something legal.
 
ardour said:
Maybe this is just letting off steam, but you seem highly critical of others.
all undesirable people... not worth caring about... add nothing to my life...that might be partly true, but still, kind of harsh.
.

See it isn't being critical to state the truth. You cannot steal, you cannot lie about your accomplishments and you cannot be sexist and homophobic and expect me to put up with you. It is always one sided too. My entire family only wants me around when they need something... but anything else... nope. At what point do you say, I deserve something too. It isn't selfish to say that. I don't think I said they weren't worth caring about.

I can get the half of the house to myself however, that would cause a lot of legal work and I would STILL need to have my brother buy me out... though that would be a court order. I don't know if I can do that just yet. It is kind of like a divorce situation.

replicated man.... some of my cousins are also involved in criminal behavior they already expected me to help them out of a jam once ... which i said no to once. They got themselves in trouble and then thought on lets talk to cousin daria... um... no.
 
My family are the most toxic I know.
My mum - self centered money grabbing slag. She has no right to be called a mother in my opinion
My Dad - I love him very much but he is an alcoholic and just is a wreck. He is the kindest man around but he just can't control his drinking. My mother left him just as I was born and he never really got over it. If it wasn't for him though, I would have had a truly hateful childhood but he was great fun and we always had fantastic adventures together.
My Step-Dad - Complete dick, used to like him until I grew up and realised I'm twice the man he is.

I can't stand being around any of them at all. They just don't exist to me anymore. I'd love my Dad to sort his drinking problems out because me and him are very similar, I just wish I knew how to help him but I think his alcohol problems are to mask the more serious problem of a very broken heart.
 
LadyDaria said:
I can get the half of the house to myself however, that would cause a lot of legal work and I would STILL need to have my brother buy me out... though that would be a court order. I don't know if I can do that just yet. It is kind of like a divorce situation.

If this was in reply to me, I meant selling your half to someone else - might actually be a positive thing for your brother to have to deal with someone new. But yeah if you aren't ready to "divorce" him then I guess you're a bit stuck for now. *hugs*
 
murmi97 said:
If this was in reply to me, I meant selling your half to someone else - might actually be a positive thing for your brother to have to deal with someone new. But yeah if you aren't ready to "divorce" him then I guess you're a bit stuck for now. *hugs*

It was... would anyone want to buy 1/2 a house? He probably would have to buy me out.
 
LadyDaria said:
murmi97 said:
If this was in reply to me, I meant selling your half to someone else - might actually be a positive thing for your brother to have to deal with someone new. But yeah if you aren't ready to "divorce" him then I guess you're a bit stuck for now. *hugs*

It was... would anyone want to buy 1/2 a house? He probably would have to buy me out.

Well I inferred since you were talking about the other place you moved into last month that this house is being rented out. That's actually half a rent payment that they're buying. If it is legal (what with possible inheritance issues), it might be something worth looking into. :)
 
I kind of think you should love your family regardless of their shortcomings (and they you) but I guess some character flaws are too much to deal with.
 
ardour said:
I kind of think you should love your family regardless of their shortcomings (and they you) but I guess some character flaws are too much to deal with.

I 100% disagree. There's no rule or law that says "you should love your family regardless". Lady D didn't choose her family and if she could have, I'm guessing would not have chosen these people.
I get where the OP is coming from and, frankly, I find your responses here unhelpful.

-Teresa
 
SofiasMami said:
I 100% disagree. There's no rule or law that says "you should love your family regardless". Lady D didn't choose her family and if she could have, I'm guessing would not have chosen these people.
I get where the OP is coming from and, frankly, I find your responses here unhelpful.

-Teresa

I meant their character flaws being too much to deal with, not hers/ If they are as bad as she describes then fair enough, they don't deserve her.

I was brought up to think that you should lookout for family rather than judge their worthiness as if they were strangers. The latter seems kind of cold, and you know... who else is going to be there for you?
 
ardour said:
SofiasMami said:
I 100% disagree. There's no rule or law that says "you should love your family regardless". Lady D didn't choose her family and if she could have, I'm guessing would not have chosen these people.
I get where the OP is coming from and, frankly, I find your responses here unhelpful.

-Teresa

I meant their character flaws being too much to deal with, not hers/ If they are as bad as she describes then fair enough, they don't deserve her.

I was brought up to think that you should lookout for family rather than judge their worthiness as if they were strangers. The latter seems kind of cold, and you know... who else is going to be there for you?

It works both ways though. If you're obligated not to judge them, then they're obligated not to judge you as well. I had an older brother who used to tease and put me down all the time, pretty normal except that normally it alternates between that and companionship. He would never speak to me beyond "you're stupid, you're ugly etc". Well into both our twenties he wouldn't have a normal conversation with me. I got talking-tos from members of my family about how I should make more of an effort to get along with him because he was all I had etc. But no-one worried about him making no effort to get on with me. As for the not judging part, he judged me much worse than you would judge any strangers. As far as I'm concerned, you might put up with more from family than you would from anyone else, but they still have to make a bare minimum of effort to get along with you. I think Lady D should probably stay in contact with her family, but minimise it as much as she can. As for me, I don't have any relationship with my brother beyond when I see him over at mum's. If he wants one, he can contact me, but he'll have to speak to me with some respect which is something he's never been capable of doing. I'm not going to put up with being treated like I'm still 5 just because he's my brother.
 
I can relate somewhat, however with me it is my Mum. She is an alcoholic and when she drinks she stresses us all out until the point of feeling like your head is going to explode. She can be mentally abusive and she brings out an aggressive side in me that never really comes out besides when I'm around her. She won't admit that she is an alcoholic and get help. The sooner I can move out, the better it is going to be for me and even though it's going to be a relief when I've left I feel sorry for my Sister because she'll still have to put up with her when I'm not visiting and/or when she's not visiting me. I get on with my Mum most of the time when she is sober and I love her, but I can't stand her when she's intoxicated. We've had to put up with it for years, but my Dad and my younger Brother are lucky because they've managed to escape with their sanity.

A bit of a rant I know, but I had to get it off my chest.

I'm sorry to hear what you have to go through. I hope that you're able to resolve the situation ASAP.
 
Glowgirl said:
It works both ways though. If you're obligated not to judge them, then they're obligated not to judge you as well. I had an older brother who used to tease and put me down all the time, pretty normal except that normally it alternates between that and companionship. He would never speak to me beyond "you're stupid, you're ugly etc". Well into both our twenties he wouldn't have a normal conversation with me. I got talking-tos from members of my family about how I should make more of an effort to get along with him because he was all I had etc. But no-one worried about him making no effort to get on with me. As for the not judging part, he judged me much worse than you would judge any strangers. As far as I'm concerned, you might put up with more from family than you would from anyone else, but they still have to make a bare minimum of effort to get along with you.

This is exactly the situation with my brother. For most of my kid and teen years he treated me horribly and EVERYONE was concerned about us getting along. But everyone just hand waived the horrible things he did to me. As we got older he seemed to mellow but even now he does grown up disrespect. Such as making no effort to help me with anything or not letting his kid ever be around me. He judges me now for things that aren't even true, such as thinking I am a lesbian, and fails to admit / remember how his behavior has effected me over the years.

It is truely too bad and strange that my brother seems to have this idea that this is how an older brother gets to behave. Abusive and useless. But you can't look at his behavior and think that he has any real concern for me.
 
Hmmm Let's see.

My (late) uncle once poured a pint of beer over my cousin in a pub because he was cheeky.

My father tried to report his brother (the above uncle) to the tax people after they had a dispute. My uncle replied by phoning me and saying the next time he wanted to hear about my father was to hear he was in his coffin.

My aunt (sister of father and uncle) used to run down the hall and throw herself at the bathroom door where my cousin (the above lad) had locked himself to get away from her.

Several cousins of father, all sisters and brothers, threatened law suits, reporting each other for tax evasion, social security fraud, you name it, in a dispute over their mother's money.

In the last 2 years my father has told me he didn't want me (to be born) and didn't want me now. He also told a cousin she was a greedy *****, a wanker and a stupid.. something.

An uncle on my mothers side went off with another woman, his wife died, so then he abandoned his kids and had them sent off as orphans to Australia after the war. That uncle and an aunt had a wrestling match at my grandma's grave and tried to shove each other in...

There is more but honestly, it needs a soap opera to do it justice...

Toxic? Radiofeckingactive in my book.....
 
LadyDaria said:
It is truely too bad and strange that my brother seems to have this idea that this is how an older brother gets to behave. Abusive and useless. But you can't look at his behavior and think that he has any real concern for me.

Sorry to be nit-picky here but when you use words like "useless" it implies you only see the value of a sibling in what they might do for you, which is, after all, how you describe your family's attitude towards you.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top