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Anyone have a toxic family? *rant8
#31
(05-14-2014, 08:50 PM)ladyforsaken Wrote: Oh dear Jazzbird. *hugs*

Hey.. thanks for the hug Big Grin At least I don't see my dad anymore and we moved far away from him so he can't mess things up again.

As for mom.. I'm moving to the U.S next year Toungue
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#32
(04-20-2014, 10:01 PM)LadyDaria Wrote: He is just so useless as a brother. He does nothing for me. Nothing. So I don't see the point of him. In March I moved into a new place and not only didn't he help me move, but I had to nag him to see the place. When he arrived I was with a contractor and he acted like I should drop everything and talk to him. He should have just waited.

. . .

I mean shouldn't a sibling relationship be a give and take? I don't see what he ads to my life at all.

A little late on this one too, but... In my opinion, no. I don't think that just because you're a sister or a brother to someone that you should do anything for them. If he decides to help you with something or do something for you, that would be nice of him, but not absolutely necessary. As I read what you have to say about your brother, it's almost as if you feel like he needs to be of any use to you in order for you to like him or appreciate him or want to be around him.

And to me, that is not what family is about. To me, family is about having someone's back no matter what. Not because they could potentially be useful to you. Family is not about using someone, and if you feel like he may be using you, then you need to tell him to back off. He's not obligated to help you solely because he's your sibling, and the same goes for you. We don't sign contracts at birth stating that we have to help siblings. You help someone - anyone, family or otherwise - because you know in your heart that it's the right thing. Not because you feel like you have to or need to, or because you think that you should then get something in return.

Now, I know a thing or two about a difficult brother, and I can tell you from experience that I felt like I had to stop talking to my brother. I felt like after all I ever did for him and never asked for one thing from him, he was completely unappreciative, and I don't like that in people. But I can't change him. Wouldn't even if I could. So my only option was to cut him off. I'm not telling you to do that, or saying that's your only option, but that's just what I felt like I had to do.

You aren't able to change your family. The only thing you can change and do control is how you respond to them.
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#33
The problem with family rifts is that other members of the family get dragged into the mess as well sometimes.

It gets to be .. If he is going to Xmas dinner then I'm not, and stuff like that, and then everyone is put out and made miserable, because of one toxic person. And mum in the middle (often) trying to please everyone and everyone being angry at her because each one thinks the other is the favourite.

I can see why some family members are so bad they have to be avoided, but if it is more squabbling and disagreements and not 'getting' each other then think about the rest of the family members before taking a step like cutting someone off completely.
"Nothing is softer or more flexible than water, yet nothing can resist it." Lao Tzu

[Image: ZLf3rn.gif]
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#34
(05-20-2014, 03:59 PM)Jazzbird Wrote:
(05-14-2014, 08:50 PM)ladyforsaken Wrote: Oh dear Jazzbird. *hugs*

Hey.. thanks for the hug Big Grin At least I don't see my dad anymore and we moved far away from him so he can't mess things up again.

As for mom.. I'm moving to the U.S next year Toungue

Oh that's good, and good luck with your move to the US next year.
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#35
Hello Daria,

I can relate to this post, I have a father that was mentally and physically abusive, it's very hard growing up and constantly living in fear that if I didn't even wash a cup correctly I was going to get slapped or punched!
Anyways not to get into too much detail but when I was old enough I completely cut him out of my life because that what you do with something that is toxic, otherwise the toxin will start making you ill.
Just because you share the same blood doesn't mean you have to let your family make you feel like crap, you wouldn't let a friend do that, would you?
The best family I have are people I'm not related too, there white I'm black but they've always treated me like I'm their daughter and I would do absolutely anything for them, my granddad( that's what I called him) recently died of lung cancer and it's like a part of me has gone, I felt more for him then I would ever do my own father.
If I was in your position I would send their emails to spam or a delete folder, block them on facebook and try your best to move on with your life.
You don't choose the family your brought into but you can certainly have a choice to stick with them or not, I was lucky to have another family that loved me but to be honest that was a bonus because no matter what, I would have left that man!
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#36
(05-20-2014, 06:10 PM)VanillaCreme Wrote: You help someone - anyone, family or otherwise - because you know in your heart that it's the right thing. Not because you feel like you have to or need to...

If you know helping is the right thing to do, wouldn't you then feel obligated? (feel like you have to)
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#37
(06-06-2014, 10:36 PM)ardour Wrote:
(05-20-2014, 06:10 PM)VanillaCreme Wrote: You help someone - anyone, family or otherwise - because you know in your heart that it's the right thing. Not because you feel like you have to or need to...

If you know helping is the right thing to do, wouldn't you then feel obligated? (feel like you have to)

Some would probably feel like they had to. But in reality, I say no. If you think it's the right thing to do, you should still feel like you want to help instead of it being obligatory. Helping someone out with anything, big or small, shouldn't feel like a job in itself.
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