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Found my Mojo (ranting included)
So.. It turns out that for the last few years |I have been desperately trying to change who I am... Trying to be this "awesome better person" when really I need to be the good old me!

First off, I fixed my give a damn. I mean... I did fix it. I tried so hard to not step on toes, and to not hurt people. I was still hurting one person - you guessed it! Myself. I put others and their opinions before MY OWN. And these are people who are just overall JERKS. God complex induced a-holes who don't need to be treated like they are AMAZING people.

Who am I really?

Me. Plain old me who speaks my mind and is willing to put up a fight if you decide you want to knock me around like a ragdoll. To Hell with apologizing... Unless I mean it, you won't hear it. Unless I ask for your opinion, keep it. If you feel like butting your way into my life, be prepared to face this bull's horns. I'm not afraid anymore. Not afraid of stepping on toes (I'd rather stomp them), not afraid of crushing your stupidity (right into the dirt ground), not afraid to tell you NO. If you have difficulties hearing that last one, I can spell it out for you. I am tired of trying to be all "nice and sweet" and making compromises... Especially when the compromise ends up being in YOUR favor.

What started this "realization" of the self-destruct mode I recklessly forced myself through?

The fact that in the last few months I have felt: depressed, frustrated, angry, upset, hurt, degraded, unwanted, unloved, unheard, hated, bullied, underestimated...

You know that saying "treat others how you want to be treated"? What happens when someone treats you like crap? Do you just wallow in their bullshit or do you stand up for yourself? What if standing up for yourself makes you treat them in a way you would not want to be treated? Or would you WANT someone to stand up against you if you were being a bitch? I know I would.

I have decided that if I want something done... Do it myself. Mom is 100% right on this. Stop relying on others.

-rant ahead!-

His mother. She is SO controlling. SO abusive. SHE IS A BULLY. This is not tough love - this is BULLYING. Sadly he ALWAYS agrees with her, which I KNOW is not out of respect it is out of fear... Out of always being beaten down. But the thing is... I am not afraid anymore.

I don't even care that she ignored me when I told her outright: "I AM NOT JENNY." This was said when she got all huffy about my reaction to her "advice" aka "opinion" aka "demand". "You are JUST like so'n'so's mom, Jenny. But that's fine. I'm used to her acting the SAME way."

I. AM NOT. JENNY. Don't you think it is a bloody coincidence that WE BOTH ACT THE SAME WAY towards you? Good God woman! Use your scrambled-egg-brain. It's more than coincidence. And the sad part? Your advice is solid. It's great! IT IS HOW YOU SAY IT. You TELL us to do something... Not SUGGEST. There is a HUGE difference. AND I AM NOT JENNY. I am ME. I DON'T CARE THAT YOU ARE IGNORING ME.

YOU interrupt me. YOU get all huffy. YOU demand. YOU command. YOU butt in. YOU contradict YOURSELF. See how there isn't a "me" or "I" in any of those? Get over your stupid God complex and realize YOU ARE A DAMN MORTAL. You are NO better than ANYONE else. You degrade your ex husband, your son(s), your current hubby's daughter, her children, him... EVERYONE YOU KNOW you put down. Does your life suck SO bad you have to suck the life out of everyone else to be satisfied?

To top it off my biological mother is in town. Yeah, WHOLE different province and she is here, and MOST OF US did not know. It was brought up like it was nothing "oh yeah she will be here Wednesday!" Who? Wait... Did I hear that right? Repeat it again. No... I am sure I heard it right. SURPRISE!! Then I hear her calling herself a grandma, and an aunt. Firstly, not an aunt. My brother hates her. For good reason. His GF is hostile towards her. For good reason.

GRANDMA? My PARENTS who RAISED me are grandparents. You? I told you what was on my mind, how I felt, what I wanted to see in you... You ignore 99% and that ONE percent you heard me say you blamed it on the family. Stop blaming others for your stupidity. I am not naïve. Stop being in denial. You don't take my advice, you don't seek help... Don't come near MY child; MY family.

I'm making sure to say what I feel out loud. I don't care if they don't hear me... I don't care if they turn their backs. Their eyes don't hear - their ears do. But when they turn their backs on me, then you know they are just blind. I'll take the consequences of my actions - errr, words. But I really don't need to suppress crap that in the end just makes me feel so... Crappy. THIS is me. THIS is my mind. No one understand my mind - except me. And that is the way it aught to be!

-feels better- Club


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